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Reviews
Komodo vs. Cobra (2005)
What on Earth did you all expect??
I have to admit, this isn't really a 10/10 movie - in fact, if you have read any of the other reviews on here you may well have realised that this is pretty far from being a 10/10 movie.
My point is, how good was a film called 'Komodo vs Cobra' ever going to be? Did any of you really, honestly think "That sounds quite promising - it could be good as that classic 'Alien vs Predator'"? Have a word! The only credible thought process in the head of a potential viewer (assuming it isn't the first movie they've ever seen is "I wonder if that film's so bad it's good, it might be fun to laugh at the third rate acting and 'Dora the Explorer'-esqe CGI". To then go to the effort of writing a review on here slagging it off is more or less equivalent of complaining to the Michelin guide about the quality of food at KFC.
Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm overestimating the average IMDb viewer - I suppose you might have been expecting something like 'Kramer vs Kramer' (if you've not seen it I can save you the effort, suffice to say the acting's somewhat better and if there's any CGI it's so good you'll never notice).
I did spend the first three quarters of 'Komodo vs. Cobra' nagging my film buff wife about where I recognised a couple of the female stars from, and she kept swearing blind she had never seen any of the actors anywhere else ever... it eventual dawned on me they have probably featured in pornos I've enjoyed in the past. No doubt I will see them there again.
Alice in Wonderland (2010)
career low for Tim Burton
My immediate reaction after watching this film was 'worst film ever'. on reflection of course there's at least 'Mama Mia', 'Maiden Noyage' and a few 'Police Academy' films that are worse, but it's so far below the standards i'd expect from a Burton film i would probably enjoyed sitting through 'Police Academy 26' or whatever less excruciating. Mind you, it's probably so much better in 3D?
On the plus side, the kids say they enjoyed it - they were never going to be that discerning given the limited number of years they've had to develop an understanding of what constitutes a good movie. The under fives were both nearly asleep about two thirds of the way through. Depp was fantastic as a slightly melancholy spaced out eccentric hatter, I really sensed his heart and soul had been put into that character one hundred percent. He does love playing the wacky Brit after all. The other big names phoned, faxed or emailed their performances, clearly finding no magic in the screenplay to work with. Which is no surprise. A special commendation is due to Bonham-Carter for her fine impression of Miranda Richardson playing Queen Elizabeth the first in 'Blackadder'.
In trying to make 'Alice in Wonderland' meets 'Shrek' meets 'the Ring trilogy' the filmmakers have managed to throttle all the charm and whimsy out of Lewis Carroll's world, leaving the movie devoid of the dreamlike fairytale atmosphere that has up till now been a hallmark of Tim Burton's films. I would write more, but i'm finding it depressing and annoying to remember how little i enjoyed the experience.
NB 'Planet of the Apes' was also devoid of a dreamlike fairytale atmosphere, it wasn't quite as crud as 'Alice...' mind.
Anvil: The Story of Anvil (2008)
heartwarming/heartrending
A fantastic film. I sat down to watch it fully expecting to be guffawing with laughter as I mocked the pathetic antics of the joke failed metal band... I was so wrong. That isn't to say there weren't genuinely laugh out loud moments all through the movie, but the guys in the band come across as so likable, and the innocent passion with which they are following their dream is so poignant, your heart just goes out to them. Their story is told simply and honestly, and I defy anyone not to be rooting for Anvil by the end of the film. Hell, I almost had a tear up when they came on stage near the end (and I'm tough as nails, by the way).
If you want to laugh at the Spinal Tap-esquire antics of a failing heavy metal band, I recommend 'Metallica - Some Kind of Monster',in which my former idols generally act like a bunch of tits all the way through. If you want to laugh and cry to a bittersweet tale of human spirit that is simultaneously heartwarming and heartrending, then 'Anvil' is for you. A bunch of -let's face it- ageing nobodies display characters worthy of rock legends. There are parallels with another great film 'The Wrestler', as both are tales of broken dreams and camaraderie.
Maybe Anvil are pathetic, but in the true sense of the word 'causing or evoking pity, sympathetic sadness'. I truly hope they found some of the success and recognition they have been craving for 30 odd years on the back of this film.
Magnolia (1999)
poppycock
That's not just my considered verdict on this film, but also on the bulk of what has been written about it. Now don't get me wrong here either, I'm not a total philistine, I didn't hate the movie because it wasn't enough like 'police academy 9' or whatever, I enjoy more than my fair share of high brow or arty stuff, I swear.
'Magnolia' is poor, and I am honestly mystified as to why it is seemingly so acclaimed. Long winded, self indulgent, rambling nonsense from start to finish, there is just so little that could credibly be what people so love about the movie. There's some high calibre actors fair enough, and none turns in an average or worse performance. Furthermore, my wife (a self confessed Tom Cruise hater) tells me it's his career best performance by far. But the plot is so completely unengaging, meandering between the stories of several loosely connected characters at such a snail's pace that even when significant life changing events are depicted they seem so pointless and uninteresting you find yourself crying out for someone to get blown up or something.
It doesn't help that none of the characters are very easy to identify or empathise with (well I didn't think so, but I don't like most people admittedly). They all play out their rather unentertaining life stories at great length, demonstrating their character flaws and emotions in ever-so intricate detail and playing out their deep and meaningful relationships to the nth degree with many a waffling soliloquy en route. Yadda yadda yadda. The soundtrack's dire as well, with that marrow-suckingly irritating quality that I had hitherto thought unique to the music of Alanis Morisette.
All in all, it was about as enjoyable a three hours as being forced to repeatedly watch an episode of 'Friends' whilst being intermittently poked in the ribs by a disgruntled nanny goat. The bit with the frogs is good though.
El orfanato (2007)
engrossing and moving tale
Del Torro is a fine director, and having seen 'Pan's Labyrinth' recently, my expectations of 'The Orphanage' were high. It certainly did not disappoint. Although I would not describe it as an out an out horror film, it certainly has its 'jumpy' moments. The 'Final Destination'-esqe moment in particular made me swear out loud in shock. The story is beautiful and touching - the wife admitted to choking back the tears at the end. I read one negative review on here that compared the film unfavourably with 'The Others'. I personally found 'The Others' to be a terrible film, so predictable and unimaginative - I caused great consternation in the cinema when I loudly said 'well he's blatantly dead!' revealing the films mega-obvious twist long before it ever got round to spelling it out for the less perceptive viewers. In contrast, while 'The Orphanage' panned out more or less how I expected it to, there were still elements of the ending that were like the final pieces of a puzzle falling satisfyingly into place. The cinematography was aesthetically pleasing as you would expect, and the acting performances were of the highest quality. No doubt I could sit here and pick holes in the plot, but that would be pointless as any weak points did not detract from the overall impact of a highly recommended movie.
Lars and the Real Girl (2007)
unusual but worthwhile
The story of a mentally troubled man's delusional love affair with a sex doll doesn't sound like a recipe for a life-affirming quirky drama - more like a Farrelly brothers tasteless teen comedy. Nevertheless, as unusual and probably unbelievable as the premise to the movie was, it was certainly engaging, amusing, touching and thought provoking. All the performances were understated but convincing and I felt an empathy with all the main protagonists (I should point out I am a flint hearted misanthrope too). It's a bit of a slow burner - if you need Hollywood shmollywood thrills and spills to get your kicks there's plenty of Van Damme films or Jim Carrey ones that will be more your cup of tea. But if you fancy something a little bit different from the same old same old I heartily recommend this film.
The Innocent Sleep (1995)
too far stretched
The main problem with this film is the main character's accent - he's supposed to be from Liverpool I believe, however Harry Enfield's scousers were more convincing. Of course, if you are from outside the UK, the previous comment will probably seem like gibberish to you, and the accent in question won't grate from minute one and destroy the credibility of the film every time he opens his mouth. So that's OK then. The film is moderately engaging - notwithstanding that all the 'baddies' are played so pantomime villain style it is just comical - until the moment the plot stretches the incredulity gap just a little too far. At the point where homeless 'scouser' murder witness Alan is left alone in his lady journo contact's house, and innocently rifling through her videos he just happens to play a taped TV interview with her defending her decision to name a previous source who subsequently hanged themself. Cue Alan's shocked indignation and off he goes to perform whatever actions are now required to advance the plot. Too late, the film's just gone belly up. The movie's set in London, in the eighties, and it was quite entertaining to see a mid-nineties interpretation of that era. I also enjoyed the reasonably dark and gritty atmosphere that was created. I would not, however, recommend staying up till the small hours on a school night watching the film from start to finish then writing a mildly disappointed review,as you will be left with an achingly empty feeling inside, wondering what on Earth has become of your life.
The Butterfly Effect (2004)
the clue is in the casting
This gripping and complex exploration of the chaos theory and time travel kept me on the edge of my seat from start to finish, gasping with delight with every twist and turn of the excitingly original plot. That's probably what I would think of the film if I was an total moron. Make no mistake, this film is aimed squarely at the intellectually subnormal, and evidently they provide an impressively sized target audience. With Ashton K they have the idiot's idiot in the lead role -however- the quality of his acting is not the issue, it's the preposterously stupid plot, criminal lack of character development and jaw grindingly terrible dialogue that kills this film. It's a shame really because there is the kernel of a clever cult classic film in there somewhere. With the premise behind the films title, the tension of trying to rediscover blacked out traumatic memories and the device of flashback time travel, a half decent writer, fair director or journeyman producer could have made this a quite entertaining film. This is not a quite entertaining film. Unless of course you are a barely sentient imbecile, in which case you may find it quite entertaining. You may also enjoy throwing pennies at the moon, or cuffing yourself round the head with your own shoe.
Fist of the North Star (1995)
dear oh dear
I stayed up to watch this film thinking it was the incredible 1980's Japanese manga movie 'Hokuto no ken'. Little did I know there was a farcical 1990's low budget Hollywood version, and this indeed was it. This is surely the gayest film of all time, particularly in the final battle scene, in which one of the main protagonists is wearing a woman's blouse. It is all bronzed, shiny flesh and rippling muscles and plenty of 'smell the fart' acting. As I recall, the plot of the original version was quite hard to follow, but for this version it seems to have pretty much been given up on altogether. The best thing about this film is that it stars Downtown Julie Brown, who has the coolest name in showbiz.
Maiden Voyage (2004)
worst film ever?
Van Dien must cringe with embarrassment at the memory of this ludicrously poor film, as indeed must every single individual involved. To be honest I am rather embarrassed to admit I watched it from start to finish. Production values are somewhere between the original series of 'Crossroads' and 'Prisoner Cell Block H'. Most five year olds would be able to come up with more realistic dialogue and a more plausible plot. As for the acting performances, if you can imagine the most rubbish porno you have ever seen - one of those ones where the action is padded out with some interminable 'story' to explain how some pouting old peroxide blonde boiler has come to be getting spit-roasted by a couple of blokes with moustaches - you will have some idea of the standard of acting in 'Maiden Voyage'. Worse still, you can't even fast forward to the sex scenes, because there aren't any. An appallingly dreadful film.