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Reviews
Sly (2023)
It's basically a Rocky documentary, not a Sly documentary
Is this a real documentary about Sylvester Stallone ? I'm not sure, 60% is about him making Rocky and his abusive father who never loved him.
He seems to have taken some advice from the bad reviews of the "Family Stallone" tv show so he does admit having made quite a lot of bad decisions in his life, professionally and on a personal level (he doesn't touch his short porn career). But his focus is too much on "I'm a writer, I'm constantly rewriting scripts" and "my father was jealous of my success". We get it, it must have been harsh growing up with a narcissistic father but as a 75 year old healthy man who's been an iconic worldwide famous figure for the last 45 years (!!) .. I mean, just let it go man; your father was an a-hole, fok him.
Stallone also talks too much, he takes himself too serious and it is telling that only his brother, John Herzfeld and Talia Shire have some words to say about him. I mean : this man IS Hollywood, surely they could have filled 1.5h with other famous people praising his greatness ?
As I said Stallone loves to hear himself speak and he even pulls out some old audio tapes of interviews with him in the 80's, the added value of that was absolutely zero. All of it felt rushed, like it was filmed in 2 days. Again (as in his "Family Stallone" show) he visits the neighborhood where he grew up and pretends he "hasn't been here for 60 years", yeah right.
He doesn't really talk about his family or wives, only that he missed major milestones in their lives because he was working all the time. And then the elephant in the room which shall not be named : his deceased son Sage Stallone.
Suddenly there is this weird collage of Sage Stallone images while Sly is talking about regrets etc but not once does he mention the name Sage, the man is simply not capable of talking about the death of his eldest son (nor of his other, autistic son Seargeoh). Weird weird weird and a missed opportunity.
What I take home from watching this is that Stallone worked his ass off to get where he is today and that the man has an incredible talent to feel what the audience expects from a movie, he is the ultimate action hero and the world will be a much darker place the day he leaves this planet. But he is also a troubled little boy, still yearning for the love of a parent while the world passes by real fast and he's starting to realise this, the world is vanishing before his eyes, his time is almost up and he's afraid. I don't understand why really, he leaves a legacy that will live on for centuries to come and there will never ever be an action hero that defined an era like Sylvester Stallone did, not even Arnold Schwarzenegger can compete with that.
Ragnarok (2020)
It was all fine until that last horrible, offensive episode ..
Ragnarok was interesting because of different reasons : a typical modern Norwegian town where people wear different kinds of cloths (it's a cultural thing I guess), some beautiful people, a mixture of English in their native language and obviously : the Thor myths adapted to modern times.
The main characters are likeable and weird at the same time but they reflect society as it is, they have heartaches, inclusion & genderidentity issues, rich vs poor, unemployment etc.
We get to see a normal Norwegian boy acquiring Thor power and surrounding himself a crew of misfits that somehow obtain God-like powers. The rich people of the town represent Giants and basically its Gods vs Giants, some people die and every episode follows the "official" classic Thor story including mythical creatures, the Thor hammer etc.
And all was well although season 3 was slower and things happend that didn't make much sense but anyway I was wondering how they were going to wrap it all up because season 3 was going to be the final season.
So we enter the final episode and oh my God it was a stinker. I won't spoil it but suffice to say the 3 seasons felt like a waste of time, it had a big "Dallas" vibe to it (if you are old enough to remember what they did in Dallas one time to get out of a story line ..)
and felt like a kick in the balls from the writers/director towards the fans. This was by far the most BS ending of a series I've seen in a long time, it doesn't make sense at all. There is no excuse for it, it was BS. The director tried to explain it on social media but that made it even worse, this is unexplainable.
Such a waste.
No One Will Save You (2023)
tense alien experience with a confusing ending
The story is about a 23-year old woman who lives alone in the woods and is apparently hated by the town community of something that happened +10 years ago. Strange I know but hey that's how I understood it. She doesn't talk at all, in fact no one talks in the whole movie which is quite annoying and very unnatural, I don't know where the director was going with this.
The production quality is top notch, nothing says that this is a low-budget movie, not even the appearance of the aliens. About that : they are in your face from the get go and that's a good thing. The director made this movie quite suspenseful but after an hour it starts to drag on, I mean : how many times can you battle and escape aliens without just giving up "let them take me, I'm tired of this". It just goes on and on and eventually she cannot escape her fate and that's where the 3rd act of the movie kind of derails; it's hard to understand what goes on in the end.
My take is that the aliens released her, set her free of the demons (regret, remorse, shame, guilt) in her head and rejoined the community who are suddenly all very friendly so my guess would be that everyone is being used as a host and are basically alien-controlled zombies. The final shot kinda confirms this.
Gives this director a Hollywood-budget and see what he can come up with next.
Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny (2023)
Cartoonlike action but kudos for the director
James Mangold is a great director, for me he comes closest to Spielberg when directing action packed chaotic scenes and make it viewable instead of using wild shaky camera as in Transformers. This movie has some of those typical Spielberg slapstick action scenes and Mangold really pulls it off.
That said, most bigger action scenes are *very* cartoonlike, Roadrunneresque even ; the chase with the tuk tuk, Helena chasing a plane in the rain on a bike, the horse riding scene in NYC. It was all just a bit over the top and the result is that bad cgi is so in your face it ruins the sensation. Really, Helena riding the bike in the rain is the most idiotic thing I've seen in a long time.
The story is a bit thin and I don't really care for Archimedes as some kind of sorcerer and openings in time and other far-fetched George Lucas stuff, this movie could have done without. Also ; NAZI's ... again ?
CGI was ok for the most part but to be honest young cgi Indy in the opening scenes annoyed me like hell, they simply can't get the eyes correct using cgi, perhaps that a future AI-assisted re-release can fix this ?
Is this the ending of Indy Jones ? For Harrison Ford for sure, he's gotten really old and this movie feels like one too many. For the series I doubt it very much. The Young Indiana Jones tv-series is still a joy to watch and made it clear that other actors can play Indiana Jones as well. But why did it work back in the 90's : because of the LACK of cgi.
Is this the end of John Williams movie scores ? As a huge fan of Williams I almost daily listen to his movie scores. I couldn't help but notice (again) how much samples Williams "borrowed" from other movies like Jurassic Park/World, Harry Potter and Superman. Perhaps the good maestro should stop while still ahead. Example : the end credits plays the famous Indiana Jones tune, it struck me how bland and slow it was played so I compared it to the End Credits tune of The Last Crusade and the latter plays almost twice as fast, has more orchestra supporting it, a full sound. Did Williams do this on purpose as some kind of sad farewell ? I doubt it, the man is 91 years old, he hasn't got the speed anymore he used to and I simply cannot believe a 91 year old still hears everything, heck I'm 45 and I'm missing quite some high tones already.
But enough of that, final score : 7.
The Family Stallone (2023)
Sly the reality show director - no depth to be found
Oh how I wanted this to be good, to catch a glimpse of the real Sylvester Stallone, superhero for every +40 something out there. What is he like waking up, does he cook, how much does he work out, does he do chores around the house, take the dogs for a walk, does he eat pizza in front of the TV and falls asleep with a beer on his lap ... If that's what u expect from this reality show then I have to disappoint you. From the get go it is clear that Sly agreed to do this show only to make his daughters rise to fame because he feels that he's in the last stage of his life and time is running out.
The problem is that Sylvester Stallone can't let go of directing, of keeping control of every aspect in his life. The man is not interested in sharing anything profound with the fans, even in this "reality" show he plays a 24/7 cool guy which is just ridiculous at his age. He has major issues with his +20 year old daughters having boyfriends, he wants them "to stop wasting valuable time" with simply dating guys, imagine that ! It's called living Sly, living and learning and experiencing heartache. But no, Mr Stallone doesn't want any of it, his daughters need to stay with him forever because he's 76 years old and he worked all his life, mostly missing out on every major milestone of his children's lives and now he wants to catch up. Well Sly, who told you to shoot Tulsa King, at the age of 76, being the multimillionair you are, in a different state and be gone from home for 6 months ? He doesn't NEED to do anything anymore, he even states that he's "done" with shooting far away from home, he wants to be with his family he says. But then why does he have at least 5 more movies in preproduction ??
Anyway, Frank Stallone is in almost every episode even though in the 1st episode the girls spill that they never ever see uncle Frank ... So again Sly is pushing Frank into the spotlights. In that same 1st episode there is a cameo from (a very old) Al Pacino, no idea what that was all about, it looked like a geriatric gathering.
Every episode takes 19 minutes so you don't really waste time but I'm afraid most people will have a different opinion of Mr Stallone after seeing this. And as a last remark : the man doesn't do kisses. He doesn't kiss his wife or his daughters, he kinda hugs and throws a cheek .. Again no idea what that is all about.
Conclusion : I tell everyone to watch the "Arnold" documentary, I really loved it, Schwarzenegger doesn't play roles, what u see is what u get. He lives alone and feeds his donkey & pony and smokes cigars and he is content with what he achieved in life.
Sylvester Stallone is another story .. even though this is obviously not a documentary, I'm quite certain an Arnold reality show would be more fun and more honest to watch.
The Black Demon (2023)
Don't believe the 5 star ratings, it really is bad
This movie is really as bad as all reviews say it is. It starts already with the opening scene under water : it is absolute garbage, the director and cinematographer have no idea how to shoot underwater scenes, you can't tell what's going on and this happens each time they go under water. Somehow the protagonists end up on a abandoned oil rig surrounded by a ghostly superstition Mexican Megalodon of some sort, brought upon by the white man and the oil rig. I wasn't really paying attention when this part was explained because it took the pace out of the movie and was clearly "we are destroying the environment, global warming etc" nonsense, anyway the main cast make the most idiotic decisions and there is no plan, there is no goal, things just happen and then suddenly the movie is over (thank God !). The director has no idea how to keep tension; there is constant noise on the platform, presumably from the Megalodon doing ... something, we never get to see what it's doing because you only see flashes of this monster, where did it come from and what does it want ? We will never know. You don't feel any sympathy for the main characters, Josh Lucas is and always will be a B-actor and I was constantly wondering what this man was doing in a 100% Mexican produced movie, he is literally the only American in this flick.
Anyway he plays an oil company inspector of oil rigs and arrives at this oil platform, completely unaware of where everyone is but then halfway the movie there is a plot twist that makes you go "huh ? Then why did he act like that in the beginning ?". As another reviewer already pointed out : the script was probably written by AI. Avoid at all cost.
Jurassic World Dominion (2022)
In a world where elephants the size of a building roam free ..
Are we to believe that
- Alan Grant is still digging up dino's while real dino's are walking amongst us ?
- that dino's breed like rats, multiplying in an unbelievable rate ? Because thats the only explanation for every kind of dino to appear everywhere around the world.
- that killer dino's the size of buildings are not tracked by any government agency but just let them be, let them show up wherever they want !
- when 2 killer dino's show up in the center of Valletta (where did they come from in the first place ??) that pedestrians casually ride their e-step in between these giants ?
If you believe such nonsense then this movie is for you. It's one big epic cluster-fok of idiotic ideas and situations. This movie wants u to believe that in a couple of years, the public has become so accustomed to dinosaurs that compy's now live in city-parks, next do ducks and u can feed them like you would a duck. Colin Trevorrow single-handedly killed the awesomness of dinosaurs.
Scream (2022)
Why was this made ? It makes no sense
My guess is the positive reviews come from people who weren't even born yet when the first Scream movie hit the theaters in '96. That movie was exciting, it was a new kind of horror, it had suspense and plot twists, creepy vibe, Wes Craven at its best. The 1st sequel was mediocre but doable, the 3rd not so much, the 4th had inventive kills. And then we have this installment which got me thinking : WHY ? Why make this movie ? The return of Courtney & Neve is forgettable, their screen time is minimal and they add nothing to this movie. The kills are completely uninspired, the killer is indestructible and the reason for all the killing is the biggest fail of all and believe me this movie has lots of epic fails. Example : when a sheriff calls for immediate backup at her own house, how long will it take for patrol cars - remember it's a small town - to arrive ? 2 minutes ? HAHA think again, in this movie it takes forever, more than enough time for lots of bad things to happen. The cast : Billy Loomis returns but rejuvenated with CGI, it was horrible. Suffice to say you don't give a damn about the cast (except for Dewey), also there is a Freddie Prinze Jr lookalike, whats up with that ? The remainder of the cast is woke all inclusive tri gender etc, you don't care, they are not very likeable. Skip this one and while you're at it : skip the new Texas Chainsaw Massacre too.
Baywatch (2017)
Just plain old fun - review from a 39-year old former Baywatchfan
I honestly don't get the negative reviews, I was 13 years old when Baywatch aired and immediately I was hooked and had major crushes on Eleniak, Anderson and Eggert. I watched many seasons back then so I know very well how campy the series was and how 50% of the time useless slow-mo scenes were added, just to fill the story-gaps. I had no expectations at all, the trailers were quite funny but I feared it would be a National Lampoon's or Broken Lizard Baywatch, too much slapstick funny stuff .. Luckily that wasn't the case, the movie doesn't take itself too serious and SFX is almost laughable compared to 2017 standards but frankly : you don't care when watching this movie, you just go with flow and accept its a silly flick about 2 beefcake lifeguards doing many things ordinary lifeguards wouldn't dream of doing (just like in the series). There is NO nudity at all, some dick-jokes, some sexy ladies in a tight swimsuit and the Rock & Zac Efron playing the "destined to become buddies" story line. Yeah so what the bad guy (lady) is miscast, Kelly Rohrbach isn't as pretty as she should have been and Daddario wears too much clothes .. Btw, don't expect too much of the cameo's from Hasselhoff and Pamela Anderson, its just stupid how they forced in an extra scene for these 2.
Jurassic World (2015)
A refreshing sequel to Jurassic Park 1
No movie should ever get a 10 but I gave it a 10 because it delivered the best Jurassic sequel possible. Don't read the negative reviews by some who argue that the main characters do stupid, illogical things, that the story is predictable, blah blah. Walking into the theater, 22 years after I saw the first Jurassic Park in 1993 as a teenager, I had the following expectations: a full working Jurassic Park with lots of visitors and exciting attractions built on the foundations laid out by Jurassic Park 1, kids getting into trouble, a male (or female) lead who do ballsy things and cool dinosaurs whose realism should surpass the previous 3 Jurassic movies. And that is exactly what Colin Trevorrow delivered. The dinosaurs look bad ass ; the hybrid dinosaur is believable and the velociraptors rule the movie. The pace is fast, the actors well cast and lots of people die. I won't spoil it any further so you just have to know that you can feel throughout the movie that it was directed by a new generation of directors who understand better than the old masters (Spielberg) how to combine humour, cgi, action and a tight direction. Humour you say ? Yes, Trevorrow manages to put in lots of funny bits even at tense moments and watch very closely to the dozens of winks to the first Jurassic Park movie he put in. The movie's score is somewhat in the background and makes full use of the original score by John Williams which was a smart move by composer Michael Giacchino, he knew not to try and do better than Williams. At certain scenes it was so quiet in the theater you could hear a pin drop so a bombastic score would simply have ruined it. Oh and the last 15 minutes .. pure epic dinosaur magic.
Forbrydelsen (2007)
not even close to being genius - don't believe the hype
I watched all episodes for 3 days in a row so you could say I was immersed in the story, unfortunately that's when the huge plot holes also become very apparent. I found myself saying quite often "why would they do/say that ? It makes no sense at all !" The 2 detectives wrongfully accuse someone almost every day based on nothing else but a hunch or "evidence" that could point to the whole population of Kopenhagen, I hope the real Danish police has more sense. I still don't understand some of the subplots, for example : why did the police chief have to leave, what was he covering up when there was nothing to cover up ? Why did the murderer do what he/she did ? He/she gives a sort of understandable explanation at first but why rape and beat the girl to dead ? Why take her to the woods, how did the murderer get home, how could the girl have lost so much blood, how much can a politician endure in 2 weeks without suing the whole police department, why why why .. Acting is not bad although the female investigator is a stubborn annoying woman, she sometimes pulls a face, the camera zooms in but for no apparent reason ? And what is up with those hideous woolen waved pulls she wears, I mean I haven't seen those since the eighties ? The mother of the dead girl also suddenly turns into a labile crazy woman, they probably needed a reason to show the grieving parents ? On day 19 one of the boys has a birthday and they are singing and everyone is kinda happy but only 3 weeks earlier their daughter of 19 was brutally killed .. I mean, if this were to happen to you I don't think the grieving would be over after 3 weeks right ? It could have been so much better if they'd cut the episodes in half, one of the other reviewers already said it : you can skip day 2 to day 14 because they have almost nothing to do with finding the real murderer, they are subplots of unlikely suspects. Surprisingly though I knew after the first episode who was the killer and where he/she kept the girl but that's because I suspected the most obvious person to be the killer, I'm certain that in real life the killer would have been caught the day after the killing .. I give it a 7.
Abominable (2006)
Not that bad actually
I bought this one for the dvdcover which shows a scarier monster than is actually in the film and that is my only negative comment : the monster's face. It was almost laughable and thats a shame because this low-budget movie is well-made, it makes me wonder what the director could do with a bigger budget. Protagonist Matt McCoy is one of those actors you've seen before but you can't seem the recall from what movie, anyway he's good in this one, putting him in a wheelchair was a good move as it restricts his movements and creates a tension when the monster comes into view. I won't go into much detail, the other characters aren't worth mentioning (the male nurse is annoying), there is some nudity, a big monster, not too much gore and some cliché characters. All in all, 90 minutes well spend but Harry & the Hendersons is still my favorite Sasquatch movie.
The Unknown (2005)
just what to expect from a D-movie
This one is bad ! Bad acting, bad SFX (if u can call it that) and even worse plot. Bigfoot - who looks like he is made out of paper mache by a 6-year old - is angry for some reason but u never get to know why or why it starts killing people. While Harry & the Hendersons was big fun this one is dull, uninteresting, the plot goes nowhere and they added an Indian that wanders the woods to make it look more authentic .. or so I think. The movie could have been made by your neighbour and his kids with their digital camera .. absolute amateurism
I'm not going to waste any more words on it : utter utter utter crap (like my English)
I'll give it 2/10 because of the cool poster (for the "Clawed" version)