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Reviews
The Green Slime (1968)
Mystery Science Theater 3000 Fodder
This Movie is a Crack-up! I am watching this thing on TMC right now and had forgotten it even existed. This movie is a wonderfully campy mix and precursor to films such as THE THING and that weird SPACE 1999 episode where a non-recurring character's crew is killed by an alien life form and he goes back to destroy it. I'm also thinking James Cameron saw this flick as a kid, and used it as a template of sorts for ALIENS. Basically, it's a FORT APACHE/ALAMO premise set in outer space. Replete with red, one-eyed, tentacle flailing, green aliens, who look suspiciously like those spinning pinball machines from the DR. WHO serial painted green-"EXTERMINATE!" The Anglo actors here will be familiar to anyone into old horror/sci-fi flicks of Japanese origin (i.e. The GODZILLA and KING KONG series among others).
It's good kitschy fun, so check-it out if you get the chance. My guess is, only hardcore fans would be willing to spend money to see it though. Only problem, be forewarned, it goes on a lot longer than it really deserves to.
The Giving Tree (2000)
Not Awful... God Awful!
This is an unbelievably bad film. It was so utterly forgettable that I spent 5 minutes on here trying to remember the title. It is one of Lifetime's Rape-of-the-Week flicks, apparently done by a director with a John Hughes complex, as it stars Molly Ringwald and the principal from "Breakfast Club" as a blind doctor(?) I am so filled with contempt right now, I don't even know where to start.
Christina Applegate's character (Emily) is forced to witness her two friends be raped after things at a house party get flirtatious to the point of hostile. Thing is though, there are two women in the back of the house that have just been there(?), looking like they're ready to go. Not to mention, in the time it takes Emily to find the bathroom, the two friends have been roughed up, tied up and gagged in a back bedroom. That house certainly seems to have a lot of adjoining doors. Implausibly, one guy would rather rape these two skanks while the other forces Emily to watch. Instead of Applegate! Are you serious? Christina dodging the old nudity bugaboo again.
Anyway, eventually the truth comes out to the assembled friends after the preggers one spills the beans. She then begins to spontaneously deliver and the entire house hoists her onto the dining room table. I guess nobody's ever heard of 911, much less a car. The slow one comes back and notifies everybody that there's a doctor living next door. The guy is blind but manages to deliver the baby. He actually turns out to be Emily's father. In turn, the father of the newborn "takes full responsibility for Emily's death... I am sure there are questions you want to ask me." To which the doctor basically responds "No, I'm good." Moon Zappa looks more like the smarmy guy that knocked-up Jennifer Jason-Leigh's character in "Fast Times At Ridgemont High" every year. Molly Ringwald is "pushing maximum density," as Judd Nelson told her she would in "Breakfast Club," and the guys in the movie look like Maroon 5 or Third Eye Blind rejects.
Oh yeah, and the soundtrack sounds like it was done back in the early '70s. Excuse me now, I am going to rinse my eyes out with chlorine.
The Ice Harvest (2005)
Same Ol' Shiz-Ack
Like most of John Cusack's work, you won't hate "Ice Harvest" but you won't love it either. He does the everyman antihero walk through that he always is and does. His movies also seem to always be highly derivative of a big hit that came out sometime earlier. In the case of this one, I'm thinking "Fargo." Although my girlfriend has told me she would leave me in a heartbeat for him if the opportunity ever presented itself, I do not hate Cusack. He just always seems bored, so why should I care? It would be much more interesting for Cusack to pair with the likes of the Cohn brothers (Raising Arizona, O Brother, Where Art Thou?) and see what develops. The artistic stretch could do him good.
In closing, I would say check out the strippers in the opening montage (I like the second one with the tattoos in particular). Then change the channel.
Black Christmas (1974)
"It's Me Billy"
Oh man, this one still creeps me out when I watch it and that's a rarity for me. Canada virtually invented the "slasher"-genre and this one's the proof. The interesting thing about this one is the fairly big name cast of the time: Keir Dullea, Margot Kidder and John Saxon. Someone must have seen this movie when they cast him as the cop/father in "Nightmare on Elm St." Be sure to see Kidder in the hysterical FELATIO-9... scene. I take 1 off out of 10 only because there's no closure (anti-climatic) and it doesn't really explain what the killer's deal is. I can't believe they're remaking it. If you're a true horror connoisseur like me, check the original out first. Though, if you are, I doubt you missed this one. IT IS A CLASSIC!
The Crazies (1973)
Topical Flick
THE CRAZIES plays like a low budget ANDROMEDA STRAIN, but without the competent government response. CRAZIES is replete with official ineptitude and bureaucratic bungling ala today's Dubya administration and FEMA. Common sense takes a back seat to autocratic protocols as townspeople assault soldiers and helicopters get shot at-oh yeah, very Katrina-esquire. This movie also takes a jaundiced eye towards the military. Post-Vietnam sentiments like, "You trust the army?" and "The army ain't nobody's friend" abound throughout the film. Although, where the priest torches himself out of protest like the infamous Buddhist monk is a little heavy-handed.
70s buffs will also be interested in the song "God Help Us" at the end. It was written by Carol Bayer Sager and Melissa Manchester and sung by someone that sounds very much like Karen Carpenter. I liked the performance of the actor who played the Colonel and thanks to another reviewer, I figured out who the daughter was. She's been in some other 'B' horrorfests as well. I wish I was a screenwriter because with an updated treatment, this script would be gold in today's 9/11 world.
Final Justice (1984)
Best Part- The Blonde Stripper Chick!
What reviewers and MST3K left out is the best part (and only memorable scene) of this otherwise dreadful movie: There is a very good rape-in-the-shower scene committed by the bad guy (Ben Gazzara look-alike) on Maria (as mentioned, killed later through T.J.'s ineptitude). Perhaps rape is too strong a word, "prison mating ritual" may be more appropriate. The background behind this chance, yet forced meeting is the mobster who is hiding "Ben Gazzara," introduces him to the girls hanging out at his pool. The 30-ish blonde disses him, but our villain must be quite smitten by her, because the courtship is on at that point. His first move is to attempt drowning her, until his mafia don benefactor tells him to knock it off. Kind of like the girl in high school you didn't like, but still wanted to have carnal knowledge of anyway... Let's just say, he catches UP with her in the cabana later.