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Reviews
Santa's Slay (2005)
Bill Goldberg as an evil Santa?
Bill Goldberg as an evil Santa? You may think that this would be the worst movie ever. You would be wrong. Dead Wrong.
When I saw this movie on the shelves I said to myself "Bill, what have you gotten yourself into now?" The thing is, as both a wrestling fan and hard core horror head I doubted this movie, and I have punished myself everyday since then, just call me Opus Slay.
Words can not describe my love of this movie. In fact I would say my love of this movie ties with my love of booze and porn. There are so many great things I want to tell you about this movie, so many amazing death scenes, so many gags, but alas I can not or it would take away from the genius of this movie when you go to watch it. I will give you one just to whet your appetite.
In the opening scene of the movie Billy boy slaughters a family's dog using a ceiling fan. What I can tell you about the movie is that apparently 1000 years ago Santa lost a curling match to an angel and had to only do good for 1000 years. Now the 1000 yes is up and he is angry. I'm pretty sure he is just that angry from actually playing curling
playing curl
what ever using a rock and a broom. One of my favorite parts of this flick are the fact that to explain chunks of Santa's back story they chose to use stop motion animation like the classic Christmas specials. If this film were booze I would drink it, cigarettes I would smoke it, food I would eat it, a chick I would bang it or hell if it were a dude and I were a fairy I would want it inside of me. That's how much I love this movie.
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Uncle Sam (1996)
With a 3-D Cover and a tag line like " I Want you DEAD! How could you not love every single thing about this movie.
With a 3-D Cover and a tag line like " I Want you
DEAD! How could you not love every single thing about this movie. I love cheap horror flicks and this one is right up there, but beyond that it also has a "message". I think this movie's script may have originally been about a soldier who dies, who was a real asshole in life, and most of the people who knew him aren't really sad that he's dead. Except of course for the young nephew that respected his uncle like he WAS G.I. Joe. I can only presume that the original script continued to explore this, however it seems no one wanted to make that movie so somewhere along the line the production team said, "screw it" and scrapped everything after the first half hour or so and turned it into a horror film. It actually kind of reminds me of a porn with a plot. No one really cares about the plot, but having one makes the movie cheesier and therefore far better than the director ever intended.
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Killer Klowns from Outer Space (1988)
When I am dead I want this movie to be playing at my funeral.
When I am dead I want this movie to be playing at my funeral. I don't know what combination of drugs, alcohol, molestation, retardation, insanity and compulsive masturbation lead the Chiodo Brothers (who also did one of my favorite t.v. series "Land of the Lost" to come up with this amazing piece of work, but I will swear to any god on anything that you consider holy that this will be one of the best, craziest, most amazing films YOU WILL EVER SEE! This is like sex for your eyes. For Christ's sakes, the tag line is "In Space No One Can Eat Ice Cream". I really REALLY love this movie. This is one of my top 10 favorite movies of all time. I don't want you to think that it is just some lame movie about clowns though. It is about aliens that look like clowns and kill people with popcorn shooters, shadow puppets, cotton candy, long straws to suck out their brains, ray guns, balloon animals, giant boxing gloves, turning people into puppets, Jack-in-the-boxes and other various goodies. The Klowns apparently feed off humans and can only be destroyed by popping their big red noses.
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The Gingerdead Man (2005)
serial killer kills people, serial killer is executed, serial killer's ashes end up in cookie dough, serial killing cookie man runs amuck
How Gary Busey hasn't been in more horror flicks before this is beyond me. That dude looks and sounds just as psycho as he is. If it were up to me though the GB would probably have a part in just about every movie. In fact that is why I am pretty sure I don't make movies. Every flick would star Kurt Russell, Gary Busey, a bunch of topless chicks, Bruce Willis and be about knife fighting. Tommy Lee Jones (you can't just have a few of those elements or it won't work well just look at Under Siege. It had Busey, Jones, knife fighting and a topless chick and it still sucked) would probably be in there some where. Any how back to this flick. I love the plot of this movie, serial killer kills people, serial killer is executed, serial killer's ashes end up in cookie dough, serial killing cookie man runs amuck. I gotta say, while not as good as some of the other Jack Frost inspired flicks of the last 10 years, this one still has its reasons to watch.
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Blades (1989)
There have never been any words written in any language to describe what I felt after viewing this film.
I watch this film every year for the sake of tradition. AI started working in a video store when I was 16 and I worked there throughout most of high school. It was probably one of my favorite jobs ever. It was a small independently owned store where I would sit on my ass, play video games or watch movies, eat pizza, drink my bosses beer, smoke cigarettes, hang out with my friends, be mean to customers or put on Star Wars and have light saber battles using rolled up movie posters with my friends. One day when I went into work my boss asked me to take all the movies off the shelves and rearrange them according to his new plan. As I was going through the movies I would set aside ones I wanted to take home for the upcoming weekend party I was throwing. I came across a movie that all I could deduce from the cover was about golf and death. Now had I noticed it was a Troma film I would have had some warning of what I was in for, but the store I worked at would simply cut the front panel off of a video box and slide it into a plastic cover on the hard cases they used for the movies. I took the movie home, popped in and my friend Zak and I sat down to watch it as I waited for the rest of our friends to show up.
There have never been any words written in any language to describe what Zak and I felt after viewing this film. It was so weird. An evil demon golf cart was on a killing spree and taking out golfers. I mean
Jesus.
I took the film back to the video store that Sunday. The next day in school I was talking about it to someone and they didn't believe me. I told them to stop in the store and I would rent it to them. When I went to work that night it was GONE. My boss had no idea what I was talking about. No one knew of the existence of this movie. Could it all have been an awful figment of my imagination? For the next four years I would describe to people and they would look at me like I was crazy.
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Garfield in Disguise (1985)
This was probably my favorite Halloween flick when I was a kid.
This was probably my favorite Halloween flick when I was a kid. Garfield is asleep in his box as usual when he is blasted out of the sack by Binky the Clown. Binky is pretty much a rip off of Bozo hyped up on crystal meth. One thing I didn't realize as a kid, but I love now is that this is the first appearance and there is no indication that Binky hasn't been a cast member forever. Anyhow, Binky screams out that it is Halloween and that every kid loves candy.
Garfield decides that he is going to go trick or treating, and that if he takes Odie he can get twice as much candy. One of my favorite scenes takes place in the attic as they are looking for stuff to make costumes out of. Garfield is digging through this box and tossing stuff out of the way as he is describing what each item is and why it's no good. Then the camera pans over to Odie and he is wearing all of the stuff and has one of the greatest expressions on his face I have ever seen.
As they go out in search of candy Garfield realizes they can get a bigger haul if they take a boat across the river since no one goes trick or treating over there. When they get there they only see one house and when they go in all they find is a crazy old man. The old dude explains that he was a cabin boy on a pirate ship and that the house was built on the spot where the pirates buried their treasure. To make matters worse the pirate's ghosts were going to return that very night.
Garfield and Odie have the crap scared out of them and the old man steals their boat stranding them there. The pirate ghosts come and hilarity ensues.
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Stranger Than Fiction (2006)
This movie gives me high hopes for Will Farrell.
This movie gives me high hopes for Will Farrell. Especially after watching Talladega Nights and worrying that maybe it was just the rest of the cast in Anchorman and Old School that made them funny. While I would never say this movie was a comedy, in fact the moviegoer has the same feeling as the main character wondering if it is a comedy or a tragedy, either way I thought it was great. Farrell's performance was executed wonderfully, the characters were all very strong, and the entire film was filled with little details that if you paid attention to them made the whole experience better. Definitely one I recommend you check out.
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It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown (1966)
Charlie Brown NEVER gets any candy, all he gets is rocks in his bag
Seriously, who hasn't seen this tale of disappointment? I love this movie for so many reasons. Not just because the earliest memories I have with my grandfather are of watching this when I was only about three, but because it works on a few different levels. First there is is the little kid level. Hey, it's Peanuts, it's animated, its humorous. Then there is the fact that it combines Halloween and Santa Clause, and after that, when you go back and watch it when you are older, jaded and a cynical like myself you notice other things.
First off Charlie Brown NEVER gets any candy, all he gets is rocks in his bag, basically stating that life is just a series of disappointments. You want candy but you get rocks. Second, Linus hangs out all night giving up trick or treating and a party at Violet's house and the Great Pumpkin never shows. All he sees is Snoopy dressed up as Flying Ace. He passes out, threatens to get sued and wakes up shivering.
My favorite line from the movie? You may think it was "There are three things I have learned never to discuss with people: religion, politics, and the Great Pumpkin." but you'd be wrong. My favorite line is "You don't believe the story of the Great Pumpkin? I thought little girls always believed everything that was told to them. I thought little girls were innocent and trusting." http://heystupid.wordpress.com/category/stupid-movies/
The Witches (1990)
This movie is not just a Halloween classic, but a CLASSIC in every way possible.
This movie is not just a Halloween classic, but a CLASSIC in every way possible. This is one of only two movies i still own on VHS (the other is The Crocodile Hunter: Collision Course, but that doesn't really need to be explained does it?).
I have seen this movie more times than I can count, so many in fact that the original VHS cartridge became worn out, the tape was transferred into another cartridge, then years later retaped on to a new tape to hold off the film from degrading further. This year I think I am finally going to force my lazy ass to get it on DVD.
This movie is about an American kid who's parents die and he is sent to live with his granny in England. Soon the kid discovers that Angelica Huston apparently finds children stinky and wants to eliminate them all by buying up candy shops and selling goodies tainted (ha ha ha taint) with "Formula 86″ that turns kids into mice. Now maybe it's just me, but as I watch this film as an adult I always want to tell Angelica Huston that if she really wanted to wipe those kids out she should have laced the chocolate with Anthrax and kill them outright rather then turn them into mice. Hell if she doesn't want to kill them why not just lace the goodies with herpes? Any way, The kid a.k.a. Luke and his crazy old granny (who apparently knows a ton about witches) are hanging out in this hotel where the witches are having a convention about snuffing out kids when he discovers their plans. After witnessing his fatty boom batty friend Bruno turned into a mouse he tries to tell his grandmother, but is apprehended and turned into a mouse himself.
Now if it were me, I wouldn't be that upset. Think about it, you still have your human brain, you're just a mouse. You don't have to worry about money or bills or any of that stuff. On top of that it's the animal kingdom, if there is some fine mouse pussy that you want, you just mount up and go to town. No dating, no consequences, you're a mouse. Anyhow he gets his granny's help they defeat the witches, save his friend and go to America.
It is a kick ass flick.
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Marie Antoinette (2006)
Nothing happens in this entire movie.
Nothing happens in this entire movie. I had really high hopes for this, but half way through it I was trying to slice my wrists with the DVD remote. This movie dragged on for two hours and 3 minutes with only about 20 minutes of story. There was absolutely no character development, at all. If the characters did change at all it was only to fit a certain scene with absolutely no explanation as to why. When I put this movie in I had hoped for some twisted story of the French revolution and a royal b!tch losing her head. Instead my eyes were assaulted by some sh!t that was so stupid and over done only some teen age girl who just watched back to back marathons of "My Super Sweet Sixteen" and "Laguna Beach" would find it the least bit interesting.
E-Rokk http://heystupid.wordpress.com/
The Marine (2006)
This is a total TNT 2:00 am on a Saturday Night film.
Say what you want, I have been criticizing movies for a long time. I have a very healthy sense of culture, I love underground flicks and art films, and I get really odd ball humor. I am also a "common man" too. I like to see sh!t get blown up and asses get whooped. Films starring wrestlers have always amused me because for the longest time it was stuff like No Holds Barred or They Live where the performances were so over the top and cheesy you couldn't help but love them. Then The Rock came along. Sure he was only in the Mummy Returns for about 6 minutes, but that really generated a buzz, then came the Scorpion King which though it wasn't really a "Mummy" film, I don't think it was supposed to be and it was still great. Then came "The Run Down" which has made my top 500 list. I know I know, 500 sounds like a lot, but if you think about all the movies out there that is only a small percentage. And it isn't like it is some lame list like 500 greatest movies ever. It is 500 movies you MUST see before you die. Anyhow let's just say he raised the bar. I have followed Pro Wrestling from time to time, because lets face it for the last few years there has been nothing on T.V. really worth watching aside from the Non Anime Adult Swim stuff, Comedy Central and the random TV. show. Wrestling was one of the few weekly shows that provided characters, story line, action and comedy. If you have ever watched pro wrestling you know there are faces and heels, and every once in a while you have a super face. Some one who is the ultimate good guy everyone gets behind. Obviously the first was Hulk Hogan. No one even came close until The Rock, then like Hogan you saw less and less of the Rock on T.V. until he was almost never on at all. I figured it would be at least another ten years until we saw the earliest development of a new superface, but as early as two years ago John Cena started stepping in to that role. I won't lie, at first I didn't care for him as a wrestler or his character, but as he developed, traded in his white rapper persona for one with more staying power and clearly defined that he wasn't a flash in the pan I started to get behind him. Then I realized, he is going to be the next Rock. I am still unsure if he will be able to get there, but that is what the WWE is pushing for and I actually do hope he delivers.
Anyway I have rambled on about all that long enough I just wanted everyone to understand I was unbiased as I watched this film. I started this before I went to bed so I knew I wasn't going to make it the whole way through and though I haven't seen the end yet I wasn't really impressed with what I saw. It is a total TNT 2:00 am on a Saturday Night film. I don't blame John Cena, I think he actually acted quite well, his performance was actually pretty good, but the movie itself was crap. If it had been made ten years ago Stephen Segal or Jean Claude Van Damme would have been the main character and it would have went straight to video. If you are a Cena fan I would say see the movie, it is a fun action film, but that's it. I really do hope his career continues though, he has potential.
E-Rokk http://heystupid.wordpress.com
The Punisher (2004)
Dead on
I would like to start off by saying I own every issue of the original "The Punisher" "The Punisher: War Journal", and "The Punisher: War Zone" and have been a HUGE Punisher fan since about 1987. I was a little worried going into this after Dolph Lundgren's disgrace in 1989, combined with the fact that this movie got almost no hype in my area and I had to drive an hour away to see it, I planned for the worst.
I won't lie, I went in full costume because I am a huge fan, so I am more than a little biased about the Punisher and would accept nothing less than amazing. I LOVED THIS MOVIE. Yes, it started a little slow taking a while to get off the ground, but once he dawned the skull and went on his mission, my adrenaline was pumping.
One of my major concerns was the casting of Thomas Jane as Frank Castle, but after seeing the film, I wouldn't want anyone else. I thought the choice of not using an "action star" such as The Rock was the right decision. Just look at the steaming pile of crap that came out in '89. (I know I mentioned it twice now, but that movie was really bad) Another delightful surprise was the casting of John Travolta. I never expected this. Though "Saint" was an original Punisher villain, he was still a pretty cool character, and I doubt anyone other than die hard Punisher fans would know who Jig Saw, The Medallion, and Bushwacker are, although I did love the use of the Russian as one of the hit men.
A lot of people didn't dig this film because The Punisher isn't as lovable as Spiderman, and has no super powers, plus it was a much darker film than other comic films, and it stuck more to the character of the comic books.
Fantastic Four (2005)
Just Fantastic
I would like to start out by saying, I went in to this movie with the biggest doubts I have ever had, not only because of the horrible movie released in 1994, but because lately Marvels movies have been slipping. I hated Daredevil, Electra and Hulk, I hated Hulk more than anything on Earth.
Any way, within the first ten minutes my doubts were destroyed. This movie was more than "Fantastic". The casting in this movie was very well done, most of the CGI was great, and the inside jokes that were made between the characters helped to make this more of a movie for comic book fans than just another action movie for "the normals". The relationship between Ben Grimm and Johnny Storm was almost right out of the pages of the comic, and the interaction between Reed Richards and Sue Storm was well developed as well.
I felt Doom could have stood to be a little more intimidating, but Julian McMahon still did a terrific job. My other gripes are that the CGI used for Reed Richards seemed rushed and looked way to fake. Everything else in this movie looked so good that if you opened your mind to the realm of comic books it was believable, yet Reed's arm, especially in the scene where he reaches under the door, just looks dumb. My other complaint was that it was nothing more than an origin story. Both Spiderman and X-Men had character origins, but they fit in so much more, but this movie was all origin with a small fight at the end. Honestly, it seemed that they still had some fleshing out to do and may drag the origin into the second film.
At any rate, this film was very good and joins Spiderman X- Men and the Punisher in the plus column of Marvel films for me.
Batman Begins (2005)
Batman Begins With A Bang
This movie is damn good, but doubt it will ever reach the iconic status of Burton's first batman. Batman Returns was a decent film, but i didn't really like what Burton did with the Penguin, everybody has their own opinion on this, and i have found this is actually the most debated of the four previous Batman's. Batman forever, what can you say about this film. Val Kilmer is such a good actor, but was just a bad choice for a Batman film, I believe this is also the first film in which the bat suit had nipples. The Batmobile was really dumb in this, Burton lost control of the series and Schumacher decided he was going to try and return Batman to its 60's campiness, yet through all this it still had the two best villains behind Jack's Joker. Not only were Twoface and the Riddler great characters to use, but the casting was perfect. Which brings me to Batman and Robin. Arnold Schwarzenegger, George Clooney, Chris O'Donnell, Uma Thurman, and Alicia Silverstone should all be taken out and burned alive for this disgrace. Between bad casting, bad writing, and a horrible, warped version of Gotham, you end up with more of a bad acid trip and black lights than a Batman flick. Don't get me wrong, i like Clooney, and he does some really good films, but he just couldn't nail Batman. I think he was fine as Bruce Wayne, not as good as Michael Keaton, but still pretty good.
At the end of my review, all i can say is i seriously hope that in the next Batman movie they don't ruin the Joker.
Bubba Ho-Tep (2002)
I want to sue to get this time in my life back.
This move is dry, boring and more pointless then trying to take a dump and only farting. I was barely able to stay awake during this drawn out crap storm. The only thing that kept me looking at this ball of feces that calls itself a film is the acting. Bruce and Ossie gave amazing performances for what they had to work with.
This movie was a train wreck that couldn't decide what it wanted to be. I find myself questioning why I even continue to watch movies because there is a small chance I could see something this bad again and at that juncture I would be forced to kill myself.
The only movie I have ever seen that was worse than this was Liquid Sky.
Alfred Packer: The Musical (1993)
An amazing film
Ahh Cannibal, how do I love the? O.k. I will start this review by saying two things, one, this is one of the very few movies that have ever received a 10/10 from me; and two, if you are the type of person that sees a movie with preconceived notions about it because of people involved with it and their other projects, stop reading I do not wish for you to bask in my insight.
If I have to tolerate one more person saying "I saw this movie because I love South Park", I am going to start eating people and singing songs.
Above all else this is a Troma film, so it is filled with bad jokes and cheesy fake blood I have come to love. Next, it is a Parker/Stone project, so there is a series of really immature humor that all their fans have come to love.
First of all
IT IS A MUSICAL
so let's start with the songs.
Shpadoinkle- Probably my second favorite song of the film. For those of you that are South Park fans, you'll realize this is the same song that plays during the "Braniff" part of the end credits of the show. This song is happy, up beat, and makes my hart as full as a baked potato. It is a great song to start the film.
That's All I'm Askin For- Still good, still perky, still during the "happy part" of the film. This song helps to introduce you to the characters and what they want out of their adventure.
When I was on top of You- "The Love Song" This is the song that shows you just how connected Packer was to his horse Trapper Song- This song is sung by
you guessed it the trappers. In my opinion this song is a reference to the songs of the rival gangs from "West Side Story" The lyrics are well written and funny.
This Side Of Me- My least favorite song of the film
but what can you do.
Let's Build a Snowman- This is the greatest song ever, no question. It represents the point in the film when the members of the party begin to go crazy. This song is just as weird as the title suggests, and I love it. I sing it every winter or on road trips to annoy my friends.
Hang The Bastard- A tribute to classic western musicals, but with Trey's twisted lyrics, this is a classic too.
Some of my favorite parts of this movie are the Trappers, Humphrey's lies, the Indianinjas and the Cyclops, but honestly in the entire running time there isn't a moment not to love.
Comic Book Villains (2002)
Four men, one collection
What is to be said about this wonderful film? A lot of my friends liked this movie until the end and then found it to be offensive and in poor taste
but then again a lot of my friends still live at home with their parents and have no jobs.
This film is a tale of a comic book shop owner, and the young man who considers him the only person he can talk to, and a rival comic book shop that simply "got in to it for the money". The two factions apparently have minor skirmishes from time to time as competing businesses, but they go to war when a fan-boy in the neighborhood dies and it is rumored he has the "ultimate collection" On the surface it presents itself as a simple tail of comic book fans going nuts
which it does in fact include, but down deep, it is a tale of greed, deception and insanity.
This movie is great for one liners and quotes, and though I give this movie an 8 out of 10, I wouldn't recommend it to you if you want to see a Kevin Smith film.
Actually, I take that back, I wouldn't recommend this to you if you want to see a Kevin Smith film that isn't Clerks or Mallrats. If you aren't a comic book fan, don't even bother, you probably won't like it, but if you are a fan, and have the ability to watch a movie for what it is and not try to make comparisons to everything else, you just might like it.
Yes the end is a little lax, but the director was trying to make a point
The things you own, own you.
Enjoy.
The Specials (2000)
Great Film
First of all any one who wants to see this because they liked Mystery Men, it is not even close to the same kind of film.
Second of all anyone, who didn't like this movie because it wasn't like Mystery Men, you're an idiot and no one wants to hear what you say.
The key differences are. Mystery Men was based on actual characters from a comic called "The Flaming Carrot" which is in its own right an amazing piece of work. On the other hand "The Specials" was completely fabricated.
Also if you want to see this because you liked "Spiderman" or "X- Men", yet have never read any comics, you probably won't get it.
The entire premise of the movie is to show what the members of a team of superheroes do on their day off. It shows all the petty bickering, and the flaws and downfalls of the characters. It tries to say "Superheroes are people too", and it does this beautifully.
I loved both Mystery Men and The Specials, but would never try to compare the two. That would be like trying to compare "Sin City" with a movie based on "Johnny the Homicidal Maniac" just because they are both graphic novels.
If you watch this movie, it definitely helps to be a comic book fan-boy or fan-girl, the jokes are very tongue in cheek, and very well written. Yes there are the standard poop, fart and penis jokes, but keep in mind, it is a comedy and these things make people laugh as well.
This is one of very few movies I give a 10 out of 10 too, and while in other cases with other movies I would listen to any intelligent argument put up by anyone with a different few, in this case, if you didn't like this movie you were just to dumb to get it and don't deserve debating with me