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Reviews
Clash of the Titans (2010)
This movie didn't suck... It SLURPED!!!
Fortunately I had heard all the bad reviews prior and didn't waste my money watching this train wreck at the cinema. But I stayed at a hotel last night and there was nothing else on so i watched it on a "what the heck" kind of motivation and out of curiosity to see if I agreed with the critics. All I could say when it was over was "ugh".
So what was bad about this movie?
1. The characters. There was not one likable character in this whole movie. They were all just bland boring vacant wooden actors and most weren't in the movie long enough to even know or care what they were all about.
2. Perseus. He didn't look remotely like a Greek hero at all. He looked more like a young marine who just got out of boot camp. At least black curly haired Harry Hamlin wore a tunic but in this one, he's a shaved headed muscle head wearing a green sleeveless T Shirt. If this was a modern day war movie in the desert somewhere, he'd fit right in but not in a Greek mythological.
3. The action. This was the worst part of the movie. The action scenes were so fast paced and everything was a close up that zipped across the screen and the scenes changed every half second that you couldn't see what was going on. It not only plays with your eyes and gives you a headache but also makes you want to shout "Hold the damned camera still" at the TV.
4. Calibos. In the first movie, he was the main villain who played an integral part. In this one, he's reduced to almost a cameo. No story behind him, he's just an ugly troll who is sent by Hades to kill Perseus and is killed too fast.
5. The special effects. Way too much eye candy and CGI. The monsters looked like polished cartoons and not scary or mysterious at all. To me, visual effects are like salt. The right amount can add spice and flavor to a meal and make it more tasty. But too much can ruin it. Hollywood these days prefers the latter.
6. The story line. OK I get it. The director wanted to do a remake without following the original script by script but this one strays way too far. In the first one, Perseus' main concern is saving Andromeda from being devoured by the Kracken at the will of an angry Goddess. In this one, Perseus is out for revenge against Hades for killing his foster family. In other words, a whole different ball park.
So what you're left with is "action scene.. talking... action scene... talking... action scene... talking."
All in all, this movie was boring and lifeless and just your average run of the mill CGI saturated action film that is no different from any other one we've seen in the past 10 years. The fight scenes are all the same and you always have to have at least 3 "slow motion" scenes in every fight... you know the drill.
The only thing missing was the "walking away unaffected by the huge explosion behind you" cliché.
Police Academy 6: City Under Siege (1989)
Chinese food
The Police Academy franchise is like Chinese food.
The first PA movie was like when you first bring it home from the restaurant, it's fresh, new, tasty, and superb.
The second PA movie was like the next day leftovers. Not quite as good as yesterday but still a pretty satisfying meal.
The third PA movie is still edible but starting to become pungent.
The fourth PA movie is when it becomes the equivalent to pig slop that you can barely keep down.
And by the fifth and sixth PA movies unless you have the stomach of a goat, you'll be puking your guts out. I didn't bother with the seventh but I'd imagine it would be lethal by then.
Star Wars: Episode VI - Return of the Jedi (1983)
Very Disappointed
What's wrong with this movie?
1. Ewoks. I mean come on!!! The Empire that terrorized the galaxy and can destroy an entire planet with a single laser blast can be defeated by cute little teddy bears armed with sticks and stones? Ewoks were an obvious merchandising ploy. It's a damned shame Lucas sold out his masterpiece saga to sell a few cheap toys.
2. Luke. He's no longer the young wide eyed panicky novice we knew him as in the first two. He now plays a Mr Migagi like character who talks like he's reading a fortune cookie. "Your overconfidence is your weakness" is a perfect example.
3. Han Solo. The man who played vital roles the first two movies is now reduced to comic relief with a few unfunny wisecracks. And I'm no military expert, but how can he go from a self centered smuggling scoundrel barfly who wanted nothing to do with the rebellion against the empire to a general overnight?
4. Luke and Darth. They were furiously swinging light sabers at each other in the previous film but are now calling each other "Father" and "My son"? And when Luke said "I know there's good in you". Really Luke? He murdered your mother, mentor/teacher, aunt & uncle, your buddy Biggs, the entire planet of Alderann, and many of your rebel colleagues. He also froze your buddy Han after he tortured him for no reason, and he chopped off your hand. Where exactly do you see the "good" in him?
5. Darth Vader. The dark, menacing, most bad ass villain in movie history is now a cowering wimp in front of the emperor. Until the end of course.
6. Jabba the hut. This ugly wormlike blob who laughs like santa claus with a hangover and speaks some orcish language but always manages to throw about two or three English words into each sentence. "ME WONG UGH DOOG MA ZUL GUV OLD JEDI MIND TRICK".
7. Boba Fett. This lurking villain has little dialogue in the whole series and none at all in "Return" so why is he even in this saga? Just to end up a burp joke? What a waste.
8. The Sarlac Pit. OK first of all, who lives to be a thousand? And secondly, with no oxygen in it's belly, they'd probably be dead in less than an hour. "Slowly digested in over a thousand years"? Wow, just like when you eat a bagel.
9. The Luke/Leia sibling thing. OK George. It worked in "Empire" when you shocked your audience with Darth Vader announcing he's Luke's father. But the Luke/Leia thing was an obvious attempt for a second shocking but it missed this time. Don't you remember they tongue kissed each other on Hoth?
10. The Death Star. Where's your originality George?
Rocky V (1990)
I'll pass
Being an 8 yr old kid going with my friends to the one screen corner theater to see the first Rocky movie in 1976 is an experience that will be forever stamped into my childhood memories. I'll never forget how thrilled and excited the whole audience felt when leaving the theater.
A few years later when Rocky II came out, the charm and emotion was still there and it was a pretty good sequel. But the problem with it was it was too predictable. You knew before the movie began that Rocky would win this time or else why would they bother to make a sequel in the first place? Rocky III was a good adrenaline pumper and served as a good promotional movie for Survivor's new album as well as a launching pad for Hulk Hogan's and Mr.T's careers. But the problem with it was Rocky's character is so far removed from the one we grew to love. He is no longer the 2nd rate underdog boxer or the "wise guy" street tough who lives in squalor. He's now a rich classy celebrity type figure who speaks articulately and now has an iron jaw and can take a thousands punches that should have rendered him unconscious.
Rocky IV was a clear indication that the series had gone way too far. Although a good popcorn movie, it was still pretty lame. The movie was more like an hour and a half long MTV video. Way too many songs, montages, and dragged out training scenes that served as fillers in lieu of an actual script and the idea of a boxer turned world peace negotiator was just cringe worthy.
And finally, Rocky V was just all around bad. Rocky losing his fortune and moving back to the Philadelphia streets was an obvious attempt to recapture the charm of the original. But unfortunately, it fell way short. The movie was more like a "Daddy's not paying enough attention to me" soap opera that focused too much on Rocky's dorky and unlikeable son who's daddy is too busy training his new protégé Tommy Gunn and is constantly hounded by the Don King type character Duke to get back in the ring. I'm sure that even Sylvetser Stallone himself would love to have this stinker surgically removed from the series.
Sex and the City (2008)
garbage!!!!
This movie should be a lesson for all of us as far as movies are concerned. When something like the Sex and the City series becomes a huge success and gains millions of loyal fans worldwide, the directors see dollar signs in their eyes and easy ones at that.
They know they can just throw together any old cheaply made replica of it with little to no thought or effort put into it. Why? Because all they needed was that first week after it's release. After depriving the fans of Sex and the City for four years, the directors knew that they would come flocking the day of it's release in hopes of recapturing the old charm of the series.
But before the word-of-mouth had a chance to announce that the movie stinks, the directors already received their tidal wave of money from it's first week and couldn't care less about it afterward.
Now that that's out of the way, if you are an avid Sex and the City fan hoping this movie will recapture the charm and wit of the series, you're in for a big disappointment.
The only similarities this movie had with the series is the name of the movie and the characters. Other than that, it bares no resemblance at all.
Gone are the days of Samantha hounding after hot young guys and having a sexual romp every 5 minutes as well as her open discussions about her sexual prowess. Gone are the days of Miranda's failed dates and witty cynical one liners about men. Gone is Charlotte's dream of finding the perfect man and having the perfect family. Gone is Carrie's funny narrations and column writing and meeting guys who never compare to Mr. Big. And most of all, gone are the girls usual getting together for lunch and discussions.
Instead we get a very long tedious depressing drama that drags on and on and on. I kept saying to myself that it will get better but it never did.
Save your money and spare yourself the agony of this 2 and a half hour pickle.
Rendition (2007)
Let's keep that propaganda machine rolling boys
As usual, those mean old Americans are out bullying the poor helpless little Muslims again.
If you haven't seen this film, don't waste your money. It's just your average routine leftist propaganda film peddling the same old "America's the real terrorist" tripe that's been done a zillion times since the beginning of the war on terror written by another "Blame America First" Michael Moore wannabe.
However, if you're part of the "Hate America" crowd, you'll get off on a film like this one because it paints the American meanies as cruel sadistic bullies.
Jaws: The Revenge (1987)
worse than getting teeth pulled.
If the directors of this stinkeroo just had the actors eat beans, sauerkraut, broccoli, and raisins and washed it down with prune juice. Then had them stand shoulder to shoulder on a beach with their backs to us then had all of them bend over at once and give us a recap of the Blazing Saddles "chili" scene and then it's the end, it would've made a better movie than this diaper pail of a sequel to a once great film.
This movie is so bad the audience members had to plug their noses and wave the air when they left the theater. In fact, the ushers should have given them a gas mask after he ripped their ticket.
First if all, one doesn't have to be an oceanographer to know that sharks have a brain the size of a walnut. They aren't exactly brilliant animals. How one knows the members, travel plans, and history of a certain human family is beyond any reasonable explanation.
Second of all, the thought of an aging Michael Caine and menopausal Lorraine Gary doing the nasty doesn't make for a romantic plot. It turns your stomach.
And last, when in the history of the world has a shark ever stood up on water and roared?
I think a plastic blow up shark would be more convincing than the extremely fake looking herky jerky robot shark they used.
At least in Jaws III, we got to see a very hot young Lea Thompson in a bikini. But this joke of a movie had absolutely no redeeming qualities.
Even Michael Caine and Lorraine Gary themselves commented on what an awful movie this was. In fact, i'll bet this movie is the reason she left movies altogether. And I'm surprised Roy Scheider didn't demand they remove his background picture off the wall.