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Reviews
Annapolis (2006)
Don't know why I saw this film
I don't know why I went to see this. We missed the last showing of New World, and decided to see whatever was playing next. It was an unlucky night, since not only did we miss new world, but Annapolis was the next movie playing. I'll be honest, within about a half hour from when the movie started I fell asleep. If i had been stoned maybe I might of found the performances funny, but in a sober state it was painfully mundane to watch.
People are calling this a popcorn flick, its not. Popcorn flicks, while brainless, are still entertaining. Something this film failed to be. All right so i missed everything after the first half hour, but i doubt the film got any better as it went on.
an absolutely forgettable film. Look for it in two years for less then a buck at wal-mart, and even then you might not even remember it ever being released in theaters.
Beyond Bizarre (1997)
I caught this on the sci-fi channel
It was really an intriguing show, something to check out if you enjoyed unsolved mysteries. Most of the stories weren't mysteries and were easily explainable phenomenons that were still interesting.
I hope they show it again sometime, would love to catch it again.
Topics included were : trepidation, Vu quang ox(sp?), crystal skulls, a man who single handedly built his own house with no tools in the shape of a dragon, Freak shows, vlad Dracula, a house made of newspapers including all the funiture inside like a piano etc, mummies, museum of death, etc etc
The host was also excellent and had a creepy voice much like Robert Stack.
**** out of ****
The Sweet Life (2003)
Not perfect, but enjoyable
I had a teacher who produce this film so during one class, the director came in and showed us his film, excited to see what younger people would think of it. I got to say, I really enjoyed the film too. Its surprising, very funny, and observant of human behavior. Its low budget,(Including some parts being shot in my school's bathroom to be a bars bathroom) and it certainly was not trying to be mainstream with its ending that i think caught a lot of people off guard because it twisted expectations a bit(Which i think is great). You always expect the guy to get the girl at the end.
However, it isn't a great movie, the lead actor can tend to seem one note. I would definitely recommend it for anyone looking for something funny to watch thats a little out of the ordinary. Also film makers might enjoy how resourceful the film is considering its low budget.
The Fog (2005)
The Bad Movie
This was a waste of time. I enjoyed the original which is a classic horror film. maybe thats why I was hoping this wouldn't be a dumb horror remake to make a buck for Halloween. The acting is terrible, and its partly the scripts fault because the characters actions and reactions lack any motivation. Selma Blair is not very convincing as a radio show host. She could of put some effort in and taken a class to learn how to be a disc jockey for research. Maybe listened to the radio and heard how others use their voice properly on the radio. The superman guy is one of the lamest characters in the film(even the token black guy is better written). The blonde girl who is the dumbest lead in a film you'll see for a long time. The part with her mom was funny in how bad it was and as incoherent as the plot. The film makers went for a cheap thrill (hence the bad CGI) over mood and ruined anything that might have been good with this picture. At least the original movie you could understand the plot going on.
An utter mess.
The Honeymooners (2005)
You know what i think?
if crap had wings, this movie would be able to fly. And it should fly in to the trash. I'm not going to waste my time reviewing this mess. I've already wasted too much typing this. If you really want to know what this movie is like, see it. See it with a girlfriend so at least when you realize it sucks you can just spend the rest of the film trying to get laid. In fact i dare you to enjoy it. Not the sex, the movie. Maybe its not the worst but its far from mediocre. The show in itself was a rip off of the Flintstones.
Can't wait to see Cedric (The non-entertainer) replace Rodney Dangerfeild in the BACK TO SCHOOL remake. I'm sure then I'll think this movie was much better after they massacre one of my favorite 80's comedies.
I recommend seeing the old show for those who might be interested
Is this filling the ten line minimum yet?
Dracula 3000 (2004)
1 is too good of a rating!
I hate the fact i had to give this movie a 1. it deserves a 0, it deserves negatives.
I've got scars from things more entertaining then watching this movie.
Okay it's called Dracula 3000 right? So lets call the Vampire... um... I don't know. Let's call him Count Orlock. Makes sense right? Count Orlock was the name used in Nosferatu for Dracula because they were making a version without the rights. So never in Nosferatu do they mention Dracula. I guess these filmmakers were so clever they are retarded.
Plot... ha ha ha ha.... Okay there's a planet of Vampires( called Transylvania... I know its incredible). Don't ask why or how? You'll never know. If they drink the livings blood how does it get to the planet? Don't matter!
The vampires are stowaways being brought back to Earth. So, in the good thinking of these clever filmmakers, the vampires would of course run crazy and kill the crew members destroying any hope of achieving their goal.
The crew members are completely inept and unrealistic(even by horror/sci-fi standards)
Now, the ending(SPOILERS) is incredibly unique. They kill Van Helsing( didn't see that coming) and let the black stereotype and b*Itch vice captain live. Oh don't miss Orlocks demise, you'll laugh yourself sour. The ship is heading towards a star and the remaining people will be killed.
Perfect time for The "Vice capt" to let us know before she was a narc she was a Pleasure bot. And so the black stereotype and his pleasure bot go off to ... well I guess its masturbation cause real sex will always require TWO PEOPLE. Then again if screwing a toaster is sex in your opinion maybe he is having sex.
A split second after he picks her up we see the ship hit a star and blow up. End credits.
Maybe WE're all the idiots for not getting this movie. That must be what the directors and writers are thinking. How could they not get the subtle explosion(ejaculation ending)?
They must of hired a seven year old to write this script. I hope they do make a sequel. It wouldn't be hard to make a movie better then this. Unless it takes place on Planet Transylvania, where incoherent ideas are logical.
Alone in the Dark (2005)
Awful, One of the worst of 2005(Maybe the worst big budget)
What an incoherent Mess!
They needed to add a five minute long title scrawl to help people understand what was going on, and even if you do pay attention to all that is said, good luck trying to make sense of the movie anyway. That could of been fixed easily though. They should made the prologue visual, 5 minutes of words and dumb voice. Give me a break. Its just one clue that everything is downhill from there.
The first martial arts fight(Why does every one know martial arts in movies?) is hysterical. To make the scenes more intense, the actor knocks down doors and jumps through windows. He could just have easily opened them and come in!
They gave Tara Reid glasses. OMG! its not Tara Reid, its an Archaeologist! She has a sex scene with Christian slater that isn't sexy(Yes, You don't see anything, which would of been a redeeming factor if the film had some tits, i'm a guy and thats how i am). Not to mention, the scene really adds nothing between the characters romance and doesn't add anything to the film. Its like the writers and directors were thinking"Okay, Now a sex scene. okay, Now back to the story."
The photography was horrible. Its so Generic. This movie could of greatly been boosted had it had some excellent lighting. When a film is called Alone in the Dark and parts of it are suppose to be bare of light, you can really do some clever scary stuff.
There are a lot of dumb things happening here, but i'll name my favorite. When they give the guy the key and he starts opening the door(The door they tried opening) they all scream "No, don't do it!" only to kill him and walk inside the door. WTF!!!! Where is the logic? Who wrote this steaming pile of dung! Who consented to make this film!
I don't think the film makers know what they are doing? Is this a horror movie? is this an action movie? Or is it just some product with big names attached to make money? With crap like this you'd probably make more money robbing a McDonald's.
I watched this with a friend who turned to me when it was over and said "That was pretty good." He's a bit retarded and likes movies like The Fast and Furious "Cause it has cars."
In conclusion, THIS IS A GREAT FILM if you don't think much, really don't have opinions on things, can't take a scan tron test, and are boring as hell. No offense to my friend(Who there are probably a lot of people just like him), he's good guy but he wouldn't know a good film if his life depended on it and this really proved it.
Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966)
Its a bad movie and i love it
There are times when you go to the theater and leave thinking, wow, that was bad. You actually mean, wow that was mediocre. Unless you can say the acting, the directing, the scripting, the cinematography, the editing, etc., were bad its not really a bad movie. its probably just an uninteresting movie.
Manos: The hands of Fate is a bad movie for all the reasons listed above and more. I don't know why, but when a movie is very terrible, i tend to enjoy watching. maybe its because i'm a filmmaker and like seeing others fail. i don't think its that though, i think its more that I understand the process going on to make this junk and its delightful in a funny way.
Keep in mind, Manos is Hal Warren's first and only film. Losts of people overlook that fact and its taken for granted how hard movie making truly is. Even Warren took it for granted by making the bet to make this(He lost the bet obviously. The guy he lost to went on to win an Oscar(Screen writing) for In the Heat of The Night for those of you who like Manos trivia). Most directors today who come out with a great big first feature have actually been directing for decades in music videos, television, and commercials. You hardly ever will meet someone who just all of sudden picked up a camera and begin making gold.
Orson Welles had much knowledge of what makes a great story and had a flare for the dramatic. He was also a very talented magician. all which aided him(along with others like Toland) to make him great. Hal Warren sold fertilizer, he shouldn't have been able to make a good movie even in the 1960's.
This is one of the strengths of the film i feel. Its a raw look at someones first attempt in to the art of cinema. I would really have loved to see Warren make a few more films. Every film is a learning process, he might have learned from his mistakes how to shoot a good action scene, how to write good dialogue, and how to treat a crew and actors to maximize the film.
All in all, it's a dreadful film and most everyone hates it. I love it cause like an Ed Wood movie, it's a sincere attempt at something, and its an absolute car wreck.
Note: The rating of one is to reflect the value any normal viewer will feel. for film fans or film junkies(if you like bad movies) this is certainly a ten.
High Strung (1992)
no wonder no ones heard of this movie, it stinks
I was telling my friends recently about a movie i saw in '92 or '93 that had Jim Carrey as first bill but he didn't show up until the last five minutes. No one knew what i was talking about and so i came here to find out what it was.
High strung is one of the worst comedies and thats why its unknown. it's marketing was poor if it had any and had to milk the success of an actor who was in it for five minutes to get it released.
I can describe this movie very easily, nothing happens but you as a viewer will be bitched at for the whole movie about some pathetic persons life. despite the wit to some of the ideas, its absolutely boring. Its been awhile since i saw it but the one repeated thing that comes to mind is the character's inability to accept that no matter how little milk he puts in his cereal there is always some left when he's done eating. It's so stupid even a real person would not bitch about it, in fact they would just drink it or not , Thats a simple solution but to bitch repeatedly about it is dumb.
It tries way too hard to be funny. Even Carrey is unfunny in his cameo. This is a movie that should of been shelved and never released.
I did see one person liked this movie, maybe that one person is enough to justify its existence, for me its not.
A BOMB
Showgirls (1995)
a Bad Bad movie but not as bad as always claimed
While most reviewers ripped this movie apart when it first came out, it isn't a bomb i can say that much,
However, it is a bad movie in the sense of an Ed Wood movie.
The plot is silly, the dialogue bad, the sex scenes embarrassing, and not one character has chemistry with any other.
I usually love Verhoeven's films because he is so talented. I loved the Fourth man, and Robocop still is a favorite movie of mine. However, these are art films(Yes, RObocop isn't just an action movie as it wants you to believe). Showgirls isn;t art. its trash. Its what you expect to see on a soap opera only with the nudity and sex left in. Berkley is decent, Gershon was wonderful choice, but the script just let everyone down. Whatever the appeal first was when they read the script obviously doesn't translate to the screen.
The movie now plays on VH1 with the directors name removed(he should of done that before the release), even in a edited version you can see there is no hope in to making this mess good.
some claim it's a retelling of all about eve and Cinderella. Maybe it steals its themes from there but its no where on par with any of those.
still, i've seen worse so i can't completely trash the film. it would make a great MST3K episode however
Da Hip Hop Witch (2000)
Don't see it, don't give it a second thought
I hated this movie. In fact, hate is too weak of a word to describe the sheer misery i have had inflicted on me.
I'll admit it, I could not watch the whole thing. I gave it thirty-five minutes and knew it wasn't going to improve.
Do not see this movie, even if someone dares you, do not take the dare.
For vanilla ice's career, this film is a low point(And that says a lot, remember he did Cool as Ice). Actually this maybe one of the few films that is worse then Cool as Ice but i might be going too far.
1 is too high a rating. I wish i could give this negative numbers. And even then i'm not sure how big of a negative number would really be appropriate. Let's say -25.
This should be used by us to torture terrorist we are holding in Cuba. They will certainly crack if only to stop Da hip hop witch.
Please, don't see it, don't even joke about seeing it.
Chaos (2005)
Lame, sad, pathetic, and insulting to horror fans
I was not aware of the awfulness of this film when i first saw it. I love seeing horror(or slasher) flicks in theaters where you can sense the fear of the other audience members around you. I was aware this was going to be a remake of Last House on The Left and while i thought that was decent at best, i knew of its cult status and assumed a true fan of the horror genre might remake it and turn it in to something more.
Boy, was i disappointed. This film goes purely for shock and is extremely tasteless. Normally, i don't mind those two aspects in films as long as they can offer a little something else to redeem it. There is nothing redeemable here.
This film is as pleasant as rolling in excrement and then washing it off with four year old urine. I can't see anyone actually enjoying a film this bad. I won't describe anything because I know people will want to see this just because no one will ever enjoy it. Its like driving pass a car wreck, you got to look, its in our nature.
To sum this all up, let me just say, I would never recommend even to someone blind and deaf to see this. And if you really have a desire to see whats so bad about this movie, I implore you, don't waste your money on it. DOwnload it off the internet, steal it off someone's cable, make a friend rent it(When its available), or whatever.
It isn't even worth a dime you might find on the street on your way to the movies. You've been warned.