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Escarpe
Reviews
The Jupiter Menace (1982)
Probably the best worst movie of all time.
And it just gets better with age, The Music is so bad it's good, the acting is so bad it's good and the plot....well. it seems that it was put together by a random plot generator, or rather a random conspiracy generator. The start is promising enough, some nice model work, a cool synthesizer re-working of Holst's Mars the bringer of war, a pre-credit sequence where some guy gets his heart cut out. Then George Kennedy pops up in a safari suit and it all goes to pot. The Bible prophecies? Emerging science? Psychics the world over? What does it all mean and what does it have to do with Jupiter and why is it so menacing? I don't think it's a spoiler to say, you never find out. A quasi biblical scene seems to arrive from another movie, not actually an account from any part of the bible but an amalgam of a few with a nameless prophet and a craven idol, it seems to be making a point
.but you never find out what that might be. Then George comes back to tell us about more biblical prophecy that probably won't come true
..then oh then
.The guy who programmed the bible into this Micro-bee and then the computer told him that the world would end, by an earthquake, so cool. I must say that the planet fly-bys are very good especially for the time. Worth watching if just for the Psychic's moustache and the amazing prediction and simulation of an earthquake in a computer
.before that was possible.
The Thing That Couldn't Die (1958)
The title lies, the thing can die, it just doesn't want to.
I saw this when I was watching an MST3K marathon, and even though it's prolly one of the better MST3K's their riffing couldn't disguise the fact that the film did have a great air or menace. The plot is surprisingly coherent and the performances, well some of them are performances rather than "look ma i'm in a movie". The story goes like this, idiot city slickers are present when idiot hicks dig up box, box is said to contain pure evil, it does! Idiot hicks can't resist opening box because any buried box to them means treasure, or cookies, or treasure. Box contains evil head, on the lookout for evil body. Idiot hicks are easily seduced by evil head and do it's evil bidding. Evil head tries to seduce beautiful Idoit hickette because she is psychic and hot. (now would be a good time for getting head joke, but I'm not going there). In a showdown between the forces of good and evil, evil head reveals himself to be none-other than someone from 400 years ago you've never heard of. Needless to say it all ends in tears. However The film does have pacing and suspense and the characters do things you wouldn't expect them to do for a 1950's film. All in all it's one of those films that if it's late, you can't sleep, and it's on, is well worth watching, from a time where atmosphere was more important that it is today.