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Reviews
Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald (2018)
COnfusing and boring
Not really sure how I can elaborate more on what other people have said, but yeah, very boring, long winded and confusing. If I hadn't watched the movie with someone who already saw it, I would have been lost. I had to keep pausing it and having them explain the plot to me. I was worried I was being a moron, but looking at other reviews, it seems I'm not the only one who was completely lost. Characters seemed to turn up out of completely nowhere, and some of the time, they're characters who have already been in previous scenes but since they weren't very well introduced or explained, I just kind of forgot they'd been in the film before. It's called "crimes of grindalwald", but he doesn't really do much of anything except walk around, all the film does is establish lore for the next movie.
The reason I hated the first Fantastic Beasts was because it felt like one long trailer for the next movie. This movie just felt like a world building info dump for the third movie in what I presume will be a trilogy. I'm still waiting for the movie I went to watch 2 years ago and they keep holding it off. The characters aren't nice or lovable, or memorable, so when they turn evil or die, I simply don't care about it.
The main character, whatever his name was, (just had to google it, Newt Scaramadger) is entirely unlikable and didn't really need to be in the film. Like, leave him as just a character for exclusively the first movie, and put all the content of the third movie into this one. all the grindlewald world building would only take like 15 minutes with him gone. And have grindlewald actually commit a ton of evil acts. His henchman does one or two bad things, but the man himself is legend for being a dark wizard and general menace, in this he just seems to be an extreme politician. I get the social commentary and all, but for a film called "crimes of grindalwald", i wanted to see him commit some. This film should have covered the period it skipped over. Why was grindalwald in jail? lets see him be friends with dumbledore. how did he become a dark wizard? all the stuff I'm actually interested in is skipped over, in favor of having some weird kid who turns into a floating black cloud who I don't care about be tracked down by everyone and treated like he has some important destiny that we aren't privvy to.
But yeah, the plot was very messy and didn't make much sense. You shouldn't need a 300 IQ to piece together the plot of a Harry Potter film. I also felt myself questioning holes in logic in the wizarding world I never even had before, because this film didn't portray the universe very well. none of the charm of harry potter, just a bunch of special effects and a drab, predictable fantasy world that didn't make me excited one bit. Overall, will only watch the next one out of obligation, and will definitely wait until a friend or family member gets a DVD so I don't have to pay to see it.
Deus Ex: Mankind Divided (2016)
A great game, for like 3 hours...
I was really enjoying this game. Honestly I was. A sci-fi RPG set in a dark future, with cyborgs, adventure and guns. What's not to love right? I was having an 8/10 or higher level of fun while playing it. But then I hit about 20% og the way into the game, and realized I had been robbed.
I got this game years after release, and was able to pick it up in a supermarket for the low price of £10, and I still feel totally, UTTERLY ripped off. I got to about 20% of the way into the game, to discover the credits rolling. "no" I thought to myself "there's... there's no way that's the end right? already? I mean... I only just started it? right?" I was utterly appealed at how short this game was. It's not a full release, its like an extended demo, its like A short spin-off game. I loved the world of Deus Ex, but if this is the length the games are, I'll not bother to play another again. It couldn't have been more that 8-10 hours of play, surely? For the amount of actual content, I would say this should be priced at like £4.99 brand new or something, as a short game to download on PSN. I feel stolen from that I paid so much for such a short game. I expected this to the be the end of the first act of five, not the end of the whole game. Outrageously short.
The Culling (2015)
Have to review because people are being too negative, good movie!
I got this movie on DVD without knowing anything about it. I watched it, and I really enjoyed it. it was good. It wasn't amazing, and I have seen much better horror movies, but it had all the good points of a horror film. A scream, an ending you don't expect, and has you theorising about what's going on throughout, and overall has a good atmosphere and length. It felt like there were some part of of it that were unpolished, the acting and directing seemed a little off in certain places, and I think that perhaps the director hasn't done too many movies before, but its a good effort, with good special effects and a very good story. Could have it been better? yes. Could it have been worse? MUCH more so. Definitely worth a watch for anyone who likes horror films.
Bionicle 3: Web of Shadows (2005)
Meh, it was better than two
Well, after watching the absolutely abominable 'Bionicle 2', it would have been harder to sink any lower. This movie, on the Bionicle scale, is totally middling. Compared to 'Mask of Light', this movie is abysmal, but compared to 'Bionicle 2', it is an artsy masterpiece.
Unlike the previous film, there is a discernible plot that actually makes sense, and is easy enough for a ten year old to follow (unlike 2 which had a fully grown adult confused). The characters had more quips and were more likable than they were in the second movie, but still, this title goes nowhere near capturing the heart, friendship and dynamic of the first Bionicle movie.
The cheap gimmick also didn't work out too well, the Toa mysteriously transformed into 'snake like beings' this was clearly done to sell the new line of bionicle figures, as they were far too easily injected into the movie.
As for the story, it was much more gripping and exciting than 2, with betrayal, cool villains, and a big battle scene. It was refreshing to see a villain other than the Makuta take the stage, and set up the first movie better than the second ever did. As a movie overall however, it was totally flat, lacked any substance, and felt very much like it was going through the motions of a sequel, rather than deserving to be one.
While it was comparatively better than the second movie, it is not worth watching overall.
Night of the Templar (2012)
Confusing? Definitely. Bad? Perhaps...
I do love myself a good horror movie.
So when I was at the second hand DVD store and saw what claimed to be a crusader themed horror movie, I thought that it was definitely worth splashing 50p on.
Boy, was I wrong. Or was I? This film was long, confusing, and very, very low budget. The box claims that it is only 85 minutes long, however IMDb says that it is a whopping 101 minutes long. I didn't take the opportunity to time it, so I don't know if my copy is abridged or not.
Either way, calling this a good movie, even a decent movie, is an exaggeration, and to see an actor that played Daryl in the walking dead reduced to this, well it stung a little.
The first two halves of this movie were quite confusing. A string of weird, confusing characters that didn't say much. Weird props that never seemed to lead anywhere or be used, and overall it had a bizarre mood. The constant flashbacks to crusader times were overly long and quite confusingly used.
It wasn't until the final third of the movie, that these props and characters do anything, and you go 'ohh, thats what that is'. Not much makes sense until the very end. If you can stand the confusing boredom of the first half, the payoff is just about worth it. Someone I was watching it with did walk off during this section however, so it is rather a testing movie to watch.
One of the most strange things however, was the direction choices that had nothing to do with the budget. At the very end, as the 'baddie' is about to be killed, the high tension moment is interrupted with very strangely forced in comedy lines and quips, then straight back to seriousness. It was a very odd and unexpected change of pace that left me giggling with confusion and surprise during the tense ending.
Will I watch this movie often? No. Will I watch it ever again? Maybe? Give it ago for 50p, but there is a good chance that you will not enjoy this movie.
Bionicle: Mask of Light (2003)
A gem of my childhood, best boinicle title by far
Grew up watching; and loving this movie.
While the lore was kind of overly forced, (which left my parents totally confused) I was able to follow it no problem as a five year old. This is a wonderful tale of friendship, sacrifice and drama, all tied together by lovable characters. I feel motivated to write this, after seeing the truly shocking mess that was 'Bionicle 2' and after seeing that the user reviews for THAT were overwhelmingly positive, and better than this, I felt compelled to intervene here. The sequel confused and messed up all the lore put out in this movie, and had none of the heart or friendship.
Watching Bionicle: mask of light will be an utter delight for young children, and adults alike. Assuming you are willing to buy into the lore and universe without resistance (which a child is)this film will be an utter hoot. With the fun and exciting concept of 'Koli' at the beginning, right up to a cool, half and half fused Bionicle at the end, the simple and exciting plot will enthrall both young and old. Don't bother trying to watch the confusingly numbered prequel before going into this, as it will only leave you bored.
I have seen many people here comparing this movie to Lord Of The Rings, which I am pretty sure they are only saying because IHE said it. This could be slightly true I suppose, but this is far more entertaining, action packed and fun than LOTR. It is an abridged version, with all the boring scenes removed. The scene in the cave with the blue plants still gives me goosebumps to watch, with the cool villain's voice.
If you want a fun, silly and entertaining time, watch the only true Bionicle movie, THIS ONE.
Bionicle 2: Legends of Metru Nui (2004)
This movie summed up in one word 'Puzzling'
Oh, where to begin?
From childhood, I had loved 'Bionacle: The Mask Of Light', despite my parents' strong hatred of the movie, and complaining every time I watched it. So when I saw The 2nd, 3rd, and 4th movie going cheap in the local store, needless to say I was somewhat excited.
My excitement was short-lived however, when the movie began. It was not until the very last 5 seconds of the movie that I went 'Oh, its a prequel!', and even then I had to look it up on wikipedia to make sure.
The lore was totally baffling, and had no relevance to anything that happened in the first movie. This left me outright confused, and scratching my head. Since when did Toa have these weird stars that appeared in the sky? Where are the Toa from the first movie? but the questions I asked most were 'what?' and 'huh?'. The main confusing part was that the film began from showing the main character from the first movie, transfigured into a half-villain/half-goodie, saving the day. It turned out that this was somebody totally different, but since it was not explained that this was a prequel, i simply thought they were one and the same.
This placed the movie for me as a direct sequel, so when the villain turned up, I was more confused than ever. 'I thought he got fused into that half-and-half bionacle? how is he back here?'. Another thing I found myself asking was 'Where is Metru-Nui? this place was never referenced once in the first movie? but it acts like they live here forever!'. If only It had told you it was a prequel on the box, I could have taken a moment out of my utter bafflement to actually enjoy the movie.
Even without the confusion factor however, the plot still doesn't make much sense, and if it does, the sheer amount of lore-detail put out is enough to leave one's head spinning. The story was poorly written. Clearly an an ensemble movie, like 'Avengers', the plot focuses on six matorun, who somehow turn into Toa. It is meant to be a story of friendship and bonding, but the movie was so short at 72 minutes, there wasn't enough time to get to know the characters. The first movie had lovable personalities and great interactions, this felt stale and by the book. Nothing felt like a real interaction, just like a list of klee-shays from the first movie minus all the heart. The story is too confusing to get any moral out of.
Very reminiscent of the phantom menace, in the way that it is a confusing, lore-bending prequel that came out the blue. Very odd, and pretty insulting to the original movie.
No kids movie should be so complex that I have to go to Reddit just to see if anybody can explain the plot to me. Your children will probably enjoy the action, and maybe grasp the plot IF you show them 2&3 before the original, but not follow an epic story and learn a lesson like they can with the first movie.
The animation looked about half as good as the original movie did, seems like it was rushed. Will watch the others out of obligation, but only 'the mask of light' will have a place in my heart so far. If you loved 'mask of light' and wonder if this is a worth getting for nostalgia; it is not.
Rogue One (2016)
Skull-burningly boring, miserable.
While I did not grow up anywhere near the release of the original trilogy of the star wars series, I did grow up watching them again and again on VHS tape. The original trilogy, and even the prequels to a degree, presented a bright, fun world full of intrigue, action and adventure.
The fact that on my very first viewing of 'Rouge One', I actually fell asleep half way though the movie, tells you everything you need to know. I attempted to watch the movie a second time, and once again dozed off at a few points, relying on my family to periodically wake me up so that I didn't miss the plot too much.
This movie's attempts to breakaway from high fantasy action-adventure, and make a dark, gritty sci-fi, has resulted on one of the most insultingly dull movies that I have been made to sit through. Most of the story is an unintelligible confusing mess, impossible to follow plot, no lovable or relatable characters, and an annoying monk who won't stop chanting (which is WAY more annoying that it sounds, trust me).
This movie attempts to fill in the gap between Episodes 3 and 4, and does a pretty poor job. If the first hour and twenty minutes had been cut from this movie, and the last forty or so left in, it would have turned out exactly the same, in terms of plot. We didn't learn anything worthwhile or important during the set up, just a fairly good action climax at the end. Even the ending stand-off between the opposing sides felt like a watching a video-game, rather than a good movie.
I highly recommend that you do not watch this movie, as it is a failure as a Star Wars title, and a movie in general. Or, just skip three-quarters of the way into the run time, and watch from there. The anti-hero side character has an annoying voice too. Everything that's meant to be chilling or gripping, like the monk or the anti-hero, come across as boring, or annoying, and in this case, both.
I do not believe that the director could have watched this movie back and felt proud of it, as it is just outright uninspired. Pointless Star Wars title that should never have been made. I would EASILY consider this to be the worst Star Wars movie that I have ever seen. (yes, even the Phantom Menace was better. WAY better.)
Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy (2004)
Truly a stellar effort in making a genuinely terrible expirence
I don't know what exactly it was that even possessed me to pick up a copy of 'Anchorman'. Maybe it was the great reception it is known to have, its importance in pop culture and reference. Or maybe it was the fact that is only cost 50p in the second hand DVD store. It was probably a mix of those factors, but even for such a low price, I still consider this a monumental waste of my money. I have not turned a movie off half way through due to lack of quality since 'lawnmower man 2'.
The biggest failure was labeling this boring, turgid, waste as a 'comedy', as nothing truly funny ever happened. In fact the only thing that elicited a laugh at any point before I turned it off in annoyance was a dog wearing pajamas. The first and last funny thing before I firmly planted my finger on 'eject'.
From the moment the movie starts, everything looks plain bad, and that isn't just mentioning Will Ferrell's ugly misshapen teeth, pitted face, creepy mustache and chest hair that is so off-putting, your teeth zing with utter disgust. Everything about the movie seems low quality. While I understand the movie was filmed with 70's quality cameras to give it a retro feel, it just comes off as dated, and as for the 'comedy', well that was never funny, no matter which era you live in.
The story revolves around the main character, Ron Burgundy, perving on a new female news anchor, while his group of truly detestable, unfunny, unlikable friends sit back impressed. Whether its Ron standing on someone's dinner playing a flute, men making sexual actions in front of a woman, or a disgusting smelling cologne, simply nothing that's meant to be funny, is actually funny. If the jokes had been written and executed well, it might have been just about enjoyable, but every character's trope was so obvious, none of it worked. The idiot one was an idiot, the pervy one perved, the 'playa' one played. Nothing quirky, or out of the ordinary occurred.
While my family had been asking me to turn the movie off for about twenty minutes, the ting that finally motivated me to do so was a cringy moment where Ron attempts to sing a 'touching' song about love to his co-workers, who have never felt it. I truly have no clue what else happened, because I shut it off then, and moved onto something actually enjoyable.
Totally unfunny, boring, and generally an abysmal piece of cinema, 'anchorman' if not worth 50p in a second hand shop, and it isn't worth getting for free. If someone offered me 50p to take the film off their hands, I'd probably turn it down.
avoid this movie at all costs, as it is not a comedy, it is simply Will Ferrell making a fool of himself in the most stilted and unenjoyable way for... well I guess the time it takes depends on how quickly you switch off the movie, because you sure won't make it to the end I can tell you that much. I find it hard to think of enough adjectives that describe how poor this film is, but certainly 'abysmal', 'terrible', 'pathetic', and 'rubbish' come to mind. there are many more that I am sure are not allowed to be typed into this website, so let me say this...
DO NOT BUY THIS BORING TERRIBLE MOVIE, AND DON'T WATCH IT FOR FREE, ANYWHERE UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.
how it got a sequel is beyond me...