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Halloween III: Season of the Witch (1982)
Brain Damaged. A Halloween Movie?
"Halloween III: Season of the Witch" does not star serial Killer Michael Myers or Jamie Lee Curtis. While the "Halloween" title is a question mark, the movie has a lot of problems, including a villain whose scheme is a question mark. He seems to want to kill kids on Halloween night with a series of popular masks that have laser beams at the base of the neck to fry them. How nice! "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" is all over the movie, and at the center of it is an alcoholic womanizing doctor, Dr. Daniel Challis (Tom Atkins.)
How does a mask have a laser beam? It would be nice to know. The villain runs a factory that produces real-life-like robots or something, and I assume he is doing this to take over the world. It never explains anything because it's another violent geek show with unlikable characters and Michael Myers being out of the movie, presuming they did end it in the last one, makes this a "Halloween" movie?
"Halloween II" saw Michael Myers burn to death in the hospital, and Laurie was taken away in an ambulance. Director Tommy Lee Wallace moves on to a science-fiction story that is as stupid as it is grotesque. Something tells me that this is a story he always wanted to tell because there is a lot of attention to detail with the science-fiction aspect, but the story is garbage, and the plot is insane. The idea of killing kids on Halloween is something cheap to be ashamed of, but it's an attempt to make the movie scary, and it fails miserably. More so, why is this not called "Season of the Witch?
It follows Ellie (Stacey Nelkin,) who is looking for her father. He owned a toy store and has since disappeared. A man arrives at the hospital on Oct 23, clutching a silver Shamrock Halloween mask. Later, he's attacked by a man in a black suit. Shortly after, the man gasolines himself in a car. Dr. Challis gets involved when he witnesses the explosion. It's her dad. So, the two of them decide to work together and discover that the toy factory in Santa Mira, California, where the Silver Shamrock factory is, has the entire town bugged and under surveillance. Dr. Challis only attempts to save the day just to get the girl.
The factory is run by Conal Cochran (what a name) (Dan O'Herlihy,") and his goons capture Challis and Ellie during a tour guide, and the demented toymaker takes them on his own tour where he shows them a stone hedge and a weird underground lab complete with white coat technicians, and all sorts of weirdness. He arranges a showing of what will happen on Halloween night, and a mask melts and turns into bugs and snakes, it's disturbing knowing this is what he wants to do to kids. I'd like to know what the hell Stone Hedge has to do with the movie. If you can't figure it out, you're as smart as the rest of us.
Cochran has Dr. Challis locked in a room with a Shamrock pumpkin mask on, and he goes on about the ancient ruins or something stupid. It has something to do with sacrificing kids on Halloween night, and it's bogus. If I had to guess, I would say Cochran is a warlock since the theme of witchcraft is heavy throughout the movie, but it's never explored in the plot and used as a device for either dumb gruesome scenes where a woman gets her face melted off, disgusting, with a laser beam or people's heads being ripped off.
If anything, Ellie serves a minor purpose. She has a sense of humour but is not very good at avoiding Dr. Challis's creepy advances in a motel room. Ellie's trying to find out what happened to her dad in an idiot plot, but it just so happens the screenplay gave her a woman-loving idiot to mess around with. She holds surprises of her own, which are, , and twisted, with no payoff. The ending is a lame question mark where her final shots are her without a head.
Halloween III: Season of the Witch" is brain-damaged in its execution and story. It feels like it was promising, but writer Tommy Lee Wallace hasn't a clue what he is doing telling a cohesive story or the boring and nothing that happens. Despite a silly aspect, as the movie goes on, Challis becomes more unlikeable. It's a call to the producers wondering if they made the right choice to kill Michael Myers.
2/10.
Kiss the Girls (1997)
Casanova
"Kiss the Girls" is an intense thriller about a serial abductor/killer that doesn't let up from beginning to end and has some suspenseful moments until it becomes all too obvious who the killer is. Freeman plays Alex Cross, a well-known detective and forensic psychologist in Washington, DC, who discovers that his niece, Naomi (Gina Ravera,) is missing. She has been missing for four days in Durham, North Carolina. Cross suspects the worst, so he goes to find her and discovers a woman who managed to escape the abductor's lair that may be holding several girls, including Naomi, and he needs her help to find him.
The girls are being abducted by a man who calls himself "Casanova." When Cross arrives in Durham, he is left waiting for two hours at the Police Department before they head out to a homicide. Cross rides with Detective Nick Ruskin (Cary Elwes,) who always seems to say the wrong thing, and Detective Sikes (Alex McArthur.) At the crime scene, his old friend, FBI Agent Kyle Craig (Jay O. Sanders,) informs him that girls have been missing for a while. He shows up whenever the screenplay requires him to deconstruct a crime scene with Cross.
One of the victims is shown dead and tied to a tree, and Cross investigates with the Durham Police where everyone is considered a suspect. Dr. Kate McTiernan (Ashley Judd) gets kidnapped by Casanova and spends a few days in his house of horrors, a subterranean lair with cells, and candles. Judd is riveting when she breaks Casanova's rules and discovers how many girls are down there with her. She gets clever on Casanova, and she escapes. Cross wonders why there aren't more bodies and deduces that Casanovas kills only if he has to, and the girls must still be alive somewhere. He is proven right when Dr. Kate is found and confirms the girls are down there.
Cross sees Dr. Kate in the hospital and realizes she is a fighter, and is lucky to have escaped, but he needs her help to find the cave, Information, she does not have. She remembers fragments, and they team up for the rest of the movie. In the second act, they follow the clues to the West Coast, and sometimes, it feels like it's on autopilot. Judd and Freeman have great chemistry and feel like they are actually working together. You can put Morgan Freeman in anything, and he will shine.
Cross wants to solve the case, but the constant roadblocks that halt the plot, get tedious. They do a raid on the killer's house, and it ends in disaster. By this point, we know who the killers are yes, there are two, and after the riad goes bad, he escapes. One of the abductors you can guess because it's not well hidden, and the other reveals himself quite early. It's how Cross finds him that's, intriguing, and how his mind works dealing with these twisted people. Freeman brings a knowledgeable sense to the character, and you can't help but want to listen to him while he brings all his attention to the screen, and it never feels like his presence is advancing the plot. Cross is alluring and knows what he is doing.
Dr. Kate provides Cross with what she can remember, and she becomes determined to find Casanova and save the girls. When they find the location of Casanova's lair, it's the most suspenseful scene in the movie, with Cross running down hallways trying to catch Casanova, who manages to escape. It is a by-the-book thriller, but it's also a well-made genuinely spooky thriller. Casanova is never really explained, and when you see who it is, it feels cheap because he shows up in Kate's house, and she doesn't realize who he is. Alex discovers who he is and acts like he was shocked all along. We are taunted with stupidity such, as Judd handing the killer a butcher knife until she quickly figures out the killer is in her house, leading to an expected ending.
"Kiss the Girls" was directed by Gary Felder, and he creates a taunt atmosphere with some exciting moments in the film, but it's fused together with clichés. When the movie ends, we know who is who and it feels like it took a while to get there. We are left with a lot of questions. What was the relationship between the two killers? If anything, Freeman and Judd are enough to see the movie because they are so good. It's not just a thriller, it's also a drama that explores the personalities of the main leads, but when Casanova, the villain, is sidelined, it's minorly disappointing, especially when we see who it is.
7/10.
Halloween II (1981)
Bloody Geek Show
"Halloween II" is technically a sequel to the masterful "Halloween" because it picks up seconds after serial killer Michael Myers got shot and fell out of a window, but does no justice to the original with none of the effective suspense or thought-provoking terror. Instead, this a bloody geek show that tries to be as graphic as "Friday the 13th." Hammers slammed into a head, a woman is disfigured by scalding hot water in a whirlpool bath, and someone has their blood drained with an IV tube. It's gruesome, and I'm supposed to believe Michael Myers is that clever.
Jamie Lee Curtis played a high school babysitter who was stalked by a man in a white mask in a small town called Haddonfield, Illinois, on Halloween night in 1978. He stalked her and her friends and attacked them. She survived Michel Myers's rampage when his psychiatrist, Dr. Loomis (Donald Pleasance,) came to her rescue. This time, Curtis returns as Laurie only to be sidelined in a hospital bed for most of the movie while Michael tracks her down and slaughters the ten or so staff in an empty hospital.
Michael Myers escaped from the hospital earlier that day. Why he chose Laurie and her finds was never explained, and we didn't need to know why other than Michael Myers is a soulless killing machine. There is an explanation as to why he is after Laurie, towards the end of this movie, and it's bogus. It's an excuse for another sequel, although this movie does seem to end it. It does feel like two parts, but why does this have to lose the imagination of the original so we can see a doctor with a hypodermic needle sticking out of his eyeball?
Doctor Loomis has decided that Michael Myers is inhuman and rambles on, "I shot him six times," before he disappears into the night. Michael Myers stalks the streets on Halloween night and hears that Laurie is at the hospital when an idiot with a boombox walks by, and the box gives the news away. The idiot plot couldn't be any more lazy. What are the chances Michael "happened" to walk by to hear Laurie's location?
In the original movie, Curtis locked herself in a closet and grabbed a metal coat hanger. She defended herself against Michael and stabbed him in the eye. They seem to have forgotten that because he has both eyes in this one. John Carpenter wrote and directed the original, and he wrote this, once again, with screenwriter Debra Hill., and you can tell Carpenter did not want to be there because his craft is missing and replaced with scenes that spring violence on the audience to see how gory it can get. Rick Rosenthal's directing is crap, and he basically strings together kill scenes, and it gets monotonous.
Laurie is comforted by Paramedic Jimmy (Lance Guest,) who takes a liking to her and explains everything that happened and that the Police are still looking for Michael Myers. She's shocked to learn that he got up and walked away. She knows he is out there looking for her if he's not dead, so she tries to convince the nurses but is told, "You'll be fine. Rest and try to get some sleep." Laurie is smarter than that. Everyone in the hospital is the typical bait for kill scenes, while Laurie tries to tell Jimmy that Michael Myers will be coming for her when he is already in the hospital searching for her. When he does find her, she is already gone from the room, and the chase scenes begin.
Here's an example of the idiot plot. Laurie runs from Michael for the last quarter of the movie, and none of it feels suspenseful because we have already seen it. This time, it is down in the basement, and she tries to escape through a window as he gets closer and closer. Of course, she escapes at the last second. She makes her way to the parking lot where Michael has disabled every car and slashed all the tires, and I'm supposed to believe he conked out every vehicle so Laurie can't escape or so the staff can't escape, and he can kill them all.
Meanwhile, Dr. Loomis gets stuck in a subplot where he investigates a break-in at an elementary school with Sheriff Bracket (Charles Cyphers) and discovers why Michael Myers is after Laurie. Dr. Chambers (Nancy Stephens) reveals to Loomis something he didn't know, and it gives him the idea that Laurie "might be in danger." It feels like they are trying to make sense of the plot with this twist, but this is a movie where the intention is to kill everyone in mindless bloody detail.
Laurie and a young kid hide in a car, only for the dumb kid to accidentally blare the horn, and reveal where they are hiding. Of course, he does. Michael Myers is relentless because he appears on the other side of the building, under a red light, and slowly makes his way to the door while Laurie smashes on the glass for someone to open it. Wouldn't you know it? Loomis's in the hospital at the last minute to open the door. Effectively building slow scenes like this would work if we knew it could be fatal, but we know it's not, so it's pointless.
"Halloween II" is a writer not knowing what to do with the movie and sticking to the horror movie formula like "Friday the 13th," where everyone gets killed for the sake of entertainment. The showdown between Michael Myers and Dr. Loomis does feel like closure and is the best scene in the movie. I don't know where they can go after this, but I'm sure they will find a way. Let's hope they don't because even Curtis feels like she doesn't want to be there.
4/10.
Ghostbusters II (1989)
Marshmellow Roast
"Ghostbusters II" is not a terrible sequel, but a disappointing one that's too late to the party. The original was a smash, but they waited too long to do this. As a result, the writing and the story are lazy, with a 16th-century Carpathian tyrant, Vigo (Wilhelm von omburg,) somehow, residing inside a painting at the local museum. The curator Janosz (Peter MacNocil) is a wierdy pipsqueak who has a crush on Dana Barret (Sigourney Weaver) who returns along with the four original Ghostbusters: Ray (Dan Akyord,) Peter Venkman (Bill Murray,) Egon Spengler (Harold Ramis), and Winston Zedmore (Ernie Hudson.)
Five years have passed, and Ray and Winston spend their days as entertainers doing birthday parties for teenage hoodlums. Instead of being heroes after they saved New York City, the Ghostbusters are driven out of business because of all the damage they caused. Egon works as a scientist studying human emotions, and Venkman has a dumb TV show where he interviews "Psychics." He is a fraudster, and he knows it. Ray owns a spooky bookstore called "Ray's Occult," and along with Egon, they start looking into an incident involving Dana and her infant son, Oscar.
In the opening, the tyke's stoller takes off down the street, and she chases it. Concerned something might be wrong with Oscar, she takes him to Egon, where he and Ray conduct tests only for Venkman to crash the party so Murrary can put on the "Bill Murray Show." Venkam is Dana's ex, and it's never fully explored. Of course, several scenes with Venkman have him and Dana trying to figure out either what went wrong with their relationship or the fact that Venkman takes nothing seriously, and is still the "lazy Ghostbuster."
Dana works at the local museum restoring artwork, where Vigo's murdering spirit stares at her. The painting's background changes to Vigo's ugly face. "I sat on a throne of blood." He orders Janosh to bring a child so he can escape from the painting. Vigo controls a river of slime that feeds on negative emotions from New Yorkers and somehow turns into pink goo. Janosz is awakard and weird. He has an accent, and MacNicol's acting is fantastic.
The Ghostbusters are called back to action when Ray discovers the river of slime underneath the city in a subway tunnel. "Ray dangles over it to collect samples before causing a city-wide blackout. While the story is a first draft attempt, there is not one laugh in the movie. It has a darker tone than the original, with violent overtones due to Vigo being an ugly-looking thing that wants to cause savage pain to the world, and the Ghostbusters when they disrupt his plans.
The slime becomes the center of concern when they study it at the old firehouse, and Ray talks to the pink slime, and it's not funny. Music makes the slime bubble and a toaster dance, and that's what it comes down to. Lazy scenes that are elongated, and then nothing happens. The comedy doesn't balance well with the dark tone. It gives it more of a serious menace. There are some interesting moments in the film, but it's not enough to compare to the original when this is just the same story all over again but with a different villain, and some bad VFX that look like they cost ten dollars towards the end.
It follows the same rhyme as the original with a new idiot like Walter Peck. This time, it's the mayor's bodyguard. He's an arrogant clown who tries to keep the Ghostbusters away from the mayor and makes dumb threats when the Ghostbusters were right all along that something, bad was going to happen. Last time it was Jail, and this time, they get committed to the pediatric ward at the hospital while Venkman is on a date with Dana. Again, they speak to the mayor and convince him to let them handle the spooky stuff.
Where it gets dumb is when the slime covers the museum, and everybody starts seeing ghosts, and they need all the Ghostbusters to save the day again. Lous Tully (Rick Moranis) and Jeanie (Annie Potts,) are given quite a bit of time as they have a thing for each other, and it goes nowhere. Nothing in the story moves because the plot is all over the place, and the subplot with Venkman and Dana is to be expected. A villain who is given a small backstory and does nothing but control a lackey. It would've been nice to know how he became trapped in the painting.
"Ghostbusters II" is a rushed production with not much effort put into it. Bill Murray does not want to be there, and it shows because his scenes are lazy, and the only worthwhile moments are when the Ghostbusters hijack the Statue of Liberty and scenes down in a subway tunnel that are creepy when they go looking for the river of slime. For the little entertaining it is, it's disappointing knowing we could've got a much better story not being read from the first draft. None of the characters further developed, and it has a "shamelessly" similar ending.
4/10.
Excess Baggage (1997)
Excess Stupidity
"Excess Baggage" is an unfunny, attempted rom-com that wants to be a caper involving a spoiled rich girl who tries to pull off a scheme to make her father pay more attention to her because she has nothing better to do, and she might be a sociopath. It becomes an unconvincing love story with no payoff, and the rest of the movie is stupid caper garbage that falls flat and amounts to nothing.
Alicia Silverstone is Emily Hope, who stages her own kidnapping and schemes to collect a million dollars from her wealthy father, Alexander (Jack Thompson.) She uses a device to disguise her voice, locks herself in the trunk and expects a rescue so she can play the victim. It opens with her father preparing to drop off the money until slow-talking Vincent Roche (Benicio Del Toro) steals the car, unaware she is in the trunk.
Alexander is a criminal that the cops are trying to put away. That subplot gets sidelined, as he is about to get on a plane to Brussels to close a business deal for whatever he does, and the cops listening to his phone calls are used to show up at the end, with a screenplay on autopilot since the beginning. Del Toro and Silverstone, try to lead the movie, but It doesn't work when the plot is all over the place and too preposterous to care.
Emily escapes from the trunk and finds her cell phone, learning her father has sent her "Uncle," Ray (Christopher Walken,) after her, who acts like a mob boss. Vincent discovers she is in the truck and, at first, is intimated by her but becomes more amused that she isn't scared of him. She puts up a fight and gives him a hard time, and it feels like it's begging for laughs in an otherwise "serious" tone that even feels off. He locks her in his bathroom, and she kicks the wall and throws things at him.
Vincent becomes a suspect when he is believed to be the kidnapper, and he spends most of the movie trying to get her to admit it's all a misunderstanding and is sorry he stole the car. Vincent also succeeds in losing the $200,000 mob money, I guess, when Ray takes it and puts him in a bind with his partner, Greg (Harry Connick Jr,) whose role is thankless. He shows up when the screenplay tries to further along the useless plot.
Vincent is harmless and tries to get rid of her, only for the screenplay to bring it back around so he can try to save her from her demons when everything spins out of control. Emily and Vincent hit the road together, and the plot creates misunderstandings throughout. He agrees to take her to a motel, and when Uncle Ray shows up with him, she acts like a spoiled brat and refuses to go back home.
Del Toro pulls off the dimwitt and constantly tries to think his way out of a situation he only vaguely comprehends, and Silverstone is playing a familiar role. There is something about her burning down a school library, mentioned in passing by Ray. He hints that she burned down a school library to get her father's attention but, never told if she did. Given that she is an entitled moron with a fake smile, my guess is she burned it down good, and that would've made for a better movie. If there is any real meaning for her vying for her father's affection, it's coldly left out. Isn't that what the movie is about? Oh, right, it becomes the stupid love story.
Meanwhile, two idiots that Vincent works for are looking for their money, and these guys are a question mark. They show up when the screenplay needs them to and drive around in an 18-wheeler. Emily accidentally sets the chop shop on fire with a stray cigarette, and everything gets convoluted, with the criminals thinking Vincent ripped them off and stole the money. Alexander has no clue what's going on until his true colours for Emily come out, and we're supposed to feel bad for her. None of the screenplay gives a reason to care, and we are supposed to cheer for Emily and Vincent falling in love. Yeah, okay!
"Excess Baggage" is the kind of movie where we are supposed to sit back and watch the sparks fly, but there are no sparks. None of the characters have a reason to exist, and the film's execution is flimsy. Vincent starts falling in love with her when he tells her to get out on the side of the road but decides he needs her to try and clear his name, so he drags her along with him. It leaves us knowing everything will work itself out by the end, and it leaves us with a less-than-stellar ending we saw coming at the beginning.
2/10.
Porky's (1981)
High School Adolescence
"Porky's" is a raunchy sex comedy about Florida High School friends Billy (Mark Herrier,) Meat (Tony Ganois,) Mickey (Roger Wilson,) Tim (Cyril O'Reilly,) and a neurotic weasel, Pee Wee (Dan Monahan,) whose one-track mind is to lose his virginity. They pull pranks, constantly piss off the gym coach Miss Ballbricker (Nancy Parsons,) and find themselves in dumb situations. Wendy (Kiki Hunter,) the "girl" of the school, is looked at as the school w***e, and the gang converse about penis size, and a woman's reproductive organs, with lame repetitive jokes aimed at the Meat character. You can figure out why.
Pee Wee is the worst offender, and he can't stand still without a woman walking by and saying something stupid. He desperately wants to lose his virginity, and that's supposed to be the plot of the movie. Billy and Tommy set them all up in a cabin with a dominatrix, Cherry Forever (Susan Clark,) and they think she is going to take every one of them, and it's all a big ruse. A black man crashes through the door, holding a machete, and this is one of the funny scenes in the movie when they end up running naked through the woods.
"Porkys" is the name of the bar that the gang ends up at. Porky, (Chuck Mitchell,) the elephant-sized owner of the honky tonk, ends up ripping them off and dumping them in the swamp. The bar creates the plot, and one aspect of it gets quite violent, with Mickey constantly going back to the bar to get even because he is the stereotypical bad-attitude redneck that also never says anything right. They plan revenge on Porky after the kid is beaten multiple times.
Another teenager, Brian (Scott Colomby,) becomes their friend when he sticks up for Tim, who comes off as racist. Brian is Jewish and takes abuse from him until his behaviour gets him in trouble with their coach. When you see why Tim is the way he is, he's not racist, and it's sad and disturbing. While I understand the exploration of a character, and he is the only one explored, why do racist overtones have to be in a comedy trying to be about ragging hormones? Because this movie is set in the 1950's? I had a hard time believing this movie was set in 1954. It attempts to come off with a serious tone, as well, but it doesn't work, and having these racist overtones is the result of writers expressing how they feel and using Tim's father to express it.
Another subplot has the teenagers, spying on the girls after gym class in the showers. They crawl under the school and look through peepholes, watching the girls while spewing vulgar dialogue. They get busted, and the girls act as if this is funny. One of the boys does something funny, and it's the funniest scene in the movie, but it's disappointing because it's the only other funny scene. I won't spoil how the scene ends, but it involves the coach, Ballbricker.
Most audiences will be offended by the movie, while others will find it filthy and funny. The film doesn't even try to balance between the tones, and when most of the characters, aside from Brian, are sex-crazed hounds and nothing more, it becomes a lame joke throughout. Tommy, the stud of the gang, chases girls at school with an oversized rubber and pokes them while cackling with it. One-note scenes with an attempted one-note joke, and the rest is bad dialogue and awkward scenes because none of these characters are interesting.
Porky is barely in the movie, and we're made to think it's about his bar, but this is sidestepped in favour of Pee Wee and his friends doing something stupid in an attempt to showcase teenage adolescence, only to bring it around at the end when Mickey is severely hurt and taken away in an ambulance. They come up with a plan to get Porky back, and it's quite the spectacle.
"Porky's" doesn't hide the fact that it hates women because the women in the movie are treated as if they are foolish sex objects. It has some humorous moments, but sticking to the story about Porky and the bar would've worked better than a neurotic story about a gang of teenagers who look way too old to be in high school.
3/10.
Porky's II: The Next Day (1983)
High School Hijinks
"Porky's II: The Next Day" is unfunny and disturbing, and we are supposed to laugh at the jokes in a comedy about teenagers and sexuality, but it's really about the writers using the characters to express their hatred. Awakard, racist and sexist, not to mention Pee Wee (Dan Monahan,) is a cyclical and obnoxious a*****e throughout the movie. Any charm about adolescence the original had is gone and replaced with stupidity after stupidity, which has the Porkys gang, Brian (Scott Colomby,) Meat (Tony Ganois,) Billy (Mark Herrier,) and Tommy (Wyatt Knight) trying to put on a school play. This movie is unwatchable to the point of nausea.
It picks up the next day, and even that feels tacked on. The night after they blow up Porky's bar, it's like that movie never happened, and it opens with Pee Wee and severely horrid dialogue about him bragging about going on the bus with Wendy. He is so obnoxious it's hard to watch him on screen for most of the movie. Since he got with Wendy (Kiki Hunter,) who was treated like a w***e in the original, talking big with his friends and telling them, "I've got bodies lined up all along South Florida." He refers to Wendy and says, "Now that she's had me, what's left?"
Porky doesn't return in the movie, so the title is for continuity, I guess, but the new villain is one of the worst things I have ever seen. He's a backwoods redneck Reverand whose acting is as bad as every time he opens his mouth. Reverend Bubba Flavel (Bill Wiley) sounds like someone kicked him in the throat and is an obnoxious weirdo who wants to shut down the Angel Beach High School Drama Club's production of Shakespeare, along with his gaggle of churchies who think it's indecent and amoral. One of them is Coach Ballbricker (Nancy Parsons.) That's all she is this time around, a stupid mouthpiece.
Flavel is a fascist in disguise who has the entire city council on his side, and they are also weirdos who watch skin flicks in the basement of the court house and their vulgar dialogue is supposed to be funny. County Commissioner Bob Gebhardt (Edward Winter) is a sleazeball all on his own. They try to get his help keeping the play going, and he assures them until Flavel convinces the entire town and the county commissioners to vote for him, and Bob turns his back on the gang.
The big prank of the movie has Pee Wee running his mouth, and his friends set him up for a prank involving a dominatrix carnival lady who calls herself "Graveyard Gloria." She pretends to have a heart attack while they all run away, and two rednecks shoot at Pee Wee in the Graveyard. They repeat the same joke with Pee Wee running up the road past the same cops from the original movie. Didn't the same thing happen the day before? They start laughing and keep on driving. "You remember the last time we were on this road?" One of the cops says. It feels like months later.
Flavel recruits the Clan because a Seminole student, John Henry (Joseph Runningfox,) wants to play Romeo in the Shakespeare play, and they don't like the idea of a Seminole man playing a white Romeo. Wendy plays Juliet, and they share a kiss that sends Flavel over the falls. The Clan are the stupidest characters I have ever seen. Horrible southern accents, zero intelligence, and, would the hell thought this would be funny?
A racist screenplay is one thing with creeps and weirdos, but they take the stupidity a step further. Principal Mr. Carter (Eric Christmas) makes a speech condemning the Revenard, and Commissioner Gebhardt reveals to his assistant that he is taking Wendy to dinner. He says, "I'm just gonna put another notch in my six-shooter." How nice! He says, "Bob, the girl is 16," and replies, "I'll only put a half notch." Why not add more disturbing content to an unwatchable movie and show the writer's racist, and perverted intent because they think it's funny?
Like the original movie, this movie hates women, and the writers make it clear when Pee Wee sees every woman as a piece of meat. He gets thrown over a drum kit early in the film when he attempts to ask a band girl into a gang bang with his friends, who know he is running his mouth. "Dirty, rotten, filthy little creep. That would be the easiest way to sum up this movie.
Just when it couldn't get worse, Wendy shows up at the posh restaurant where Gebheart is with an oversized chest full of fake vomit, and she embarrasses him that she is underage and makes him look like a skunk. She is so loud and obnoxious, and its awkward and embarrassing scenes have him falling in the pool and her pouring the fake vomit to make everyone gag.
"Porky's II: The Next Day" is so vile, racist and vulgar that it has no saving grace. I didn't think the original was good because these movies hate women and make them look like foolish sex objects. Wendy is a friend of Pee Wee's or not, this time around, and they can't even get her right. She talks sweetly to Pee Wee in earlier scenes in the music room, but it's garbage. She's an object for the gang to torment. It makes the original more watchable, and this is a disturbing, hateful movie that isn't worth a look from beginning to end.
0/10.
Hellbound: Hellraiser II (1988)
Unbearable Suffering
"Hellbound: Hellraiser II" is a disturbing nightmare no one should see. It retains the dreary nature and tone of the original; the visceral imagery and disgusting violence is worse than it was. The sexual nature of the original is gone. It's the same gruesome geek show with a paper-thin plot to see how many people can be skinned, ripped apart, impaled and self-mutilated. Doug Bradley returns as the Cenobite now, known as "Pinhead." How vivid!
It opens a few hours after the original movie but feels miles away due to the incoherent plot; Julia Cotton (Claire Higgins) is the villain, once again, and the inclusion of a doctor who becomes infatuated with her, or so we're made to think. Doctor Channard (Kenneth Cranham) oversees Kristy (Ashley Lawrence) and has a house of horrors in the basement of the hospital, where unspeakable things happen, and plenty of unmerciful screams come from down the corridors. Channard and his crew are "Explorers of the mind."
Kristy tells Doctor Channard (Kenneth Cranham) what happened to her, and she begs him to destroy the bloody mattress that her murdering stepmother died on. Channard brings a patient from the hospital, who self-mutates himself on the mattress, and his blood brings Julia back to life straight out the mattress. Elongated torture scenes are unbearable and disturbing to see. As before, this movie is not for the faint of heart. It's more of the same useless violent garbage we saw before with no beginning, middle, or end. It does have buckets of sickening blood and gore to throw at the screen.
Dr. MacRae (William Hope,) Channards assistant, witnesses the whole ordeal, and he and Kristy go to the house only for him to last another ten mins. Kristy meets a deaf-mute kid, Tiffany (Imogen Boorman,) and the two become friends. She is good at solving puzzles, including the puzzle box now known as the Lament Configuration. Channard and Julia kidnap her and force her to open the box, and the demons from hell return to make Krsity's life a living hell, or what's left of it.
Scenes go from bloody violence to someone being chased to returning characters showing up for five minutes only to get killed. Julia gets Dr. Channard to do the same thing Frank got her to do by bringing her hapless patients from the hospital so she can shove her hand in the back of their heads and suck them dry. Dr. Channard longs to be a cenobite, and Julia is the muse, only for her to end up getting killed by a windstorm or something stupid.
Nobody shows up in the movie to do anything but either run or stand stupid. Pinhead and the cenobites show up halfway through to claim Tiffany for opening the box, but Pinhead senses she is not the one who "opened the box." Kristy and Pinhead make another deal only, for Pinhead and the cenobites to last another ten mins before Dr. Channard kills them all. Isn't "Pinhead" the main villain? They are there to try and scare the audience, and they do nothing. Pinhead talks like a poet again with raspy dialogue and wants to make Kristy suffer.
Tiffany and Kirsty run through a labyrinth-like world, the Cenobite's home. Channard becomes this floating entity that uses horrible stop motion to stab people in the head, and several plot points go unanswered because nobody knew what the hell they were doing with this script. Clive Barker wrote this sequel, so he "clearly" had an idea of where he wanted to go from the previous story because it continues, but director Tony Randall has no idea what he's doing.
Even more so, they try to give Pinhead a background that he was a British military officer in 1920 India. Pinhead was human at one point and opened the box for whatever reason. Nothing more comes from this other than we see him get the nails violently slammed into his head. The other Cenobites are background shadows. The Cenobite lady with the exposed throat is back to do nothing. The teeth cenobite and the fat one are back as well, and like before, they try and scare you by their presence. What's scary is that Channard worships an elongated diamond floating in the sky with a black beam running through it. It sounds as bad as it looks and creates lightning or something. That's what it comes down to.
When the Cenobites are second nature in their "own" film, and the producers can't even get them right, you know there is a problem. Clive Barker directed the original, so why didn't he do this one? The nightmare-like atmosphere might be the only thing that works in the movie, but the VFX of Dr. Channard's heads coming off is embarrassing, so perhaps Barker distanced himself from the film when he saw the final cut. I would've.
"Hellbound: Hellraiser II" is a violent gag fest meant to dull minds. It exists solely to showcase extreme violence and mutation. There is no coherent story with this sequel, and, strangely, it makes the original slightly better in the story it tried to tell. Even if it was a bad movie, there was an attempt at telling a story. The producers know that the appeal of the violent nature is what is going to make people want to see it, just like the original. The question is, why would anyone subject themselves to this garbage again? Just like the producers of "Friday the 13th Part II," the producers of this movie know the answer.
1/10.
Hellraiser (1987)
Disturbing Suffering!
Hellraiser" is a dreary story with disgusting mutilation, sickening graphic violence and sadism. This movie is not for the faint of heart. Most of the violence is sexual in nature, which is not surprising if you know who Clive Barker is. He wrote a novella, The Hellbound Heart, back in 1986, and this movie is based on it. He is also the director of this geek show, which features a terrifying villain with pins in his head and speaks very poetically. "No tears child. It's a waste of good suffering." He's about the only good thing about the movie.
Clive Barker creates a real horror show where the majority of the movie is inside an old house where weird and unspeakable things happen. Larry Cotton (Andrew Robinson) moves to the house with his loony wife Julia (Claire Higgins) and his introverted daughter Kristy (Ashley Lawrence.) Food rots away in the kitchen, but they move in anyway. I think the house belonged to Larry's hedonistic brother Frank (Oliver Smith,) who disappeared years before.
Frank opens the movie when he buys a puzzle box from a merchant. After playing around with the box, blue shadows come through the windows in a dark room with glowing candles as he sits on the floor, and the atmospheric tension gives off a dreadful sexual feel. If you have ever read anything from Barker, there is a sexual backbeat and unnerve to his work. Frank causes the sides of the box to move when he completes the puzzle, and he gets ensnared with chains as he howls in pain.
Frank is introduced to a world of unmerciful pleasure and unspeakable pain and to the Cenobites, "Demons to some, angels to others." Spiritual entries from another world, monstrous-looking creatures. The visceral, gruelling imagery of their world is dark corridors with revolving pillars covered in body parts, and we see the lead cenobite (Doug Bradley) putting together the pieces to someone's face. The other four are equally gruesome-looking. One has her throat exposed. The other is a slob-like monstrosity that licks its lips slowly, and the last one chatters his exposed teeth.
Larry cuts himself in the upstairs attic, and blood soaks into the floorboards where Frank has resided for years as a liquid mess or something. Julia seems to know he was up there and has ulterior motives. There is no love in her marriage because she had an affair with Frank before her marriage to Larry, who is unaware. Frank rises from the floor like some ghoulish zombie and gets Julia to bring him back victims from a singles bar so he can cannibalize them and get his flesh back. How does Larry's blood bring back his brother?
Kristy awakens in the hospital after discovering Julia bringing someone home for Frank to scarf, and she winds up solving the puzzle box she escaped with and unknowingly summons the Cenobites. The leader is fierce, and he wants Kristy to come with them. "You opened the box. We came," he tells her. He wears a long black jacket and looks macabre. He tells her they are simply "explorers" from another dimension seeking carnal experiences, and they can no longer differentiate between pain and pleasure." Interesting, because we can no longer tell the difference between sensible reality.
Kristy is the innocent victim in the story who gets thrown around, slapped by Julia and made to feel crazy. Kristy discovers Frank's resurrection and how Julia is a part of it all. All in the name of some twisted affair that she seeks again. Is it just a coincidence that they moved into the house because she knew Frank was there, or did she know it was Frank's house and nobody knew or cared to tell the audience? It might explain the opening of the movie. But, Isn't Larry Franks' brother? Wouldn't he know If he was moving into his brother's old house? I guess not.
Kristy ends up running from some weird creature that comes out of nowhere, has a nasty set of sharp teeth and looks like a giant slug. Things come of nowhere in the movie, and we are supposed to sit back and watch the carnage unfold when a decent villain exists, caught up in a twisted love story. Kristy attempts to save her skin from the lead Cenobite when she makes a deal with him because she discovers Franks escaped from them. "Nobody escapes us!" It comes with less than stellar results for the young teenager when she has to stop whining and figure out a way to send the Cenobites back to wherever the hell they came from.
"Hellraiser" is sick in its execution of gruesome violence and grotesque imagery. Who goes to see a movie like this? Only the sick and disturbed. Beneath the buckets of blood and flayed skin, there are no surprises, and everything feels like it's on a level of tension that terrorizes the movie, itself. Who wants to watch disturbing, vile scenes with no style, reason or charm to exist outside the shock factor? Take, for instance, towards the end, someone gets hooked up in chains, and his face is distorted from the metal hooks, and he says something before being ripped apart in a bloody and gruesome fashion. There is no reason for this movie to exist other than to disgust people and it's futile when seeing the villains and their world would've been more practical but the carnage is enough to make you walk away so it's pointless anyway.
1/10.
Leave It to Beaver (1997)
Stupid Beaver
"Leave It to Beaver" is based on a TV show from the 1950s about a nine-year-old runt called Beaver and his family. The Cleaver Family paints a portrait of the Quintessential American Family consisting of Ward (Michael McDonald) and June (Janine Turner) and their two sons, Beaver (Cameron Finley) and Wally (Erik von Detten.) I'm not sure if Beaver was as dimwitted in the show because I've never seen It, but he is pretty stupid here. Wally is the teenage heartthrob who finds out the hard way about rejection. Eddie Haskell (Adam Aolotin) is the conniving abject moron who is friends with Wally, constantly acts like a self-centred jackass and comes off as a creep. Instead of telling a fun story about Beaver's misadventures, his new bicycle is used as a loose plot device, and they stretch it out over 88 mins, running paper thin.
It opens with Beaver firing newspapers off the back of Wally's bike. In true sitcom fashion, he hurls a newspaper at the idiot next door, two people standing outside their house. A satellite guy on a roof, and they cause a truck driver to get covered in pies. Beaver gets the bright idea to join the football team, only to appease his dad. He visualizes himself being the star on the team when he is the smallest kid, on the team. His father has a stupid habit of bringing up that he played a lot of "Sandlot," in his day. I assume this is a 1950s reference.
Beaver sees a red sparkly bike in a window, and Haskell arrogantly explains to him how to suck up to his parents since his birthday is coming up, and they get him the bike. It gets stolen right in front of him because he is too stupid to know the difference, and Beaver lies, trying to hide the theft from his dad. It doesn't last very long because Ward finds out in the next scene at the dinner table and gives him the gear about responsibility. "Ward, I think you're being a little hard on the Beaver." Michael McDonald is the only salvageable role because he does try his best, but being at the mercy of the material and a lazy script gives him nothing more than being a typical suburban parent.
Eddie Haskell is awkward to watch because he is such a clown. He acts like a wannabe suave playboy, torments Beaver and tries to make the dimwit think he knows everything about girls. In one scene, he tells Wally how Karen (Erika Christensen,) the local girl, will be his. He stunts his way through the door of a soda shop, and as soon as she sees him, she tells him, "Take another step, and I'll file a restraining order." Haskell gets made to look foolish, rightfully so, and she sets her sights on Wally.
Most of the plot revolves around Beaver trying to get his wheels back from two losers. One wears a bandana, looks like Axel Rose, and they both have the intelligence of a wrench. They feel out of place for a family-friendly movie. Wally is another subplot where he tries to romance Karen only to less than stellar results. They give Wally nothing to do but gush over a girl who turns out to be hostel. She takes Wally for a fool and is an excuse for him to feel heartbroken, which feels human for a suburban kid in a sort of coming-of-age way, but Karen is a horrid character with no soul to her, and it feels mean-spirited. The kid she throws Wally away for is the brother of the kid who stole Beaver's bicycle.
The bike thief appears sporadically throughout the movie, and I wondered why Ward never tries to get it back from a teenage wannabe hoodlum. It would; 've given the movie a purpose with Ward teaching his son something. Why does Beaver constantly run into him only to chase him? It's because Director Andy Cadiff reminds us that the Bicycle only appears as an excuse to further a useless plot while exploiting stupidity, along with dumb scenes with braindead characters and horrid dialogue from Beaver, Haskell, Wally, and Karen.
"Leave It to Beaver" has the charm of a family-friendly comedy but isn't childproof. Beaver acts foolish throughout the movie, and none of it is funny. There are no attempted laughs, and I don't see any kids laughing at this either. Abject scenes induce nausea when Beaver sneaks out at night only to lie to his father about his grades. The movie is another pointless sitcom that nobody asked for, and it translates to nothing because every idea goes to the dirt. It could've been a better movie with a story and a different cast and plot that doesn't drag, but that seemed too hard of a task in favour of a little misfit falling into stupid scenes that make him look dumb.
3/10.
Hoodlum (1997)
Gang War in Harlem
"Hoodlum" is set during The Great Depression in 1934, in Harlem, New York City, where the black gangsters shot first, and the Italian Mafia faced a turf war between them. It's an account of the three gangsters that defined the era. Ellsworth "Bumpy" Johnson (Laurence Fishburne), Dutch Schultz (Tim Roth,) and Mafia head Charles "Lucky" Luciano (Andy Garci.) The illegal numbers racket is the only way to put food on the table for many black folks, and the game is run by tough, and independent, Stephanie St. Clair, AKA Madame Queen (Cecily Tyson.) When she gets arrested on illegal gambling charges, Johnston takes over and initiates the war when Shultz tries to take over the racket.
When the movie opens, Bumpy is in Sing Sing Prison, and the warden tells him, "Johnston, you're different than all the other coloureds in here. You read books. You write poetry. But I don't believe you have any remorse for taking a man's life." The warden releases him, and he returns to Harlem to see how much things have changed since he got jailed. Bumpy is a violent gangster with confidence and style. Dutch is homicidal and a hothead who sees the money of the black community and wants to capitalize on it. Luciano is a gangster who is instrumental in criminal activities, from bootlegging to money laundering.
Reuniting with his cousin "Illinois" Gordon (Chi McBride,) who uses jokes to hide his insecurities, Bumpy returns to Madame Queen as her lieutenant, and Gordon introduces him to Social Worker Francine (Vanessa Williams.) Bumpy is charismatic and portrayed as neither hero nor villain, but a man who knows what he needs to do for his people, and it doesn't matter how many bodies fall. He's asked why he didn't go into medicine and become a lawyer because he is smart. He says, "I'm a coloured man. White folks left me to crime."
Francine sees the good in Bumpy, and she eventually marries him, but the screenplay gets repetitious with Dutch constantly sending his goons, Bub (Clarence William III) and Lulu (Ed O'Ross,) to make Bumpy's life hell. Bumpy knows the numbers racket provides jobs for over 2,000 coloured folks in Harlem. The mob has let Harlem run the numbers game until Dutch tries to move in. Dutch's boss, Luciano, disapproves of Dutch's arrogant attitude, and the way he dresses, "You got mustard on your suit." "I'm breaking it in." He is the Mafia boss who is prepared to do business, the way he sees fit, even if it's business with Bumpy Johnson.
It comes down to the war getting out of control between Schultz and Bumpy and Luciano having to step in when a special prosecutor, Thomas Dewey (Willam Atherton) demands Luciano stop the bloodshed in Harlem. Dewey is one of the more intriguing white characters because he is corrupt, and accepts special payments but likes to showboat that he gets headlines for trying to put Dutch in jail. He makes his demands to Luciano who feels he has no choice but to quell the violence.
Bill Duke and screenwriter Chris Brancato make "Hoodlum" as violent as it is fascinating to look at. There are plenty of bloody shootouts including set pieces where the Queen and Bumpy are ambushed in a car. Someone is tortured, and it's probably the most brutal scene in the movie, especially when you see who it is. But they try to justify the existence of the characters, and I'm not sure it quite gets that far because Dutch is the loose cannon who shoots first and is a crude a*****e. Bumpy likes to talk instead of shooting unless he has to, and it goes back and forth for most of the movie, with Luciano stepping in when he has to. Bumpy knows there is no way to stop Dutch, is to kill him. Luciano is suave, and he has conversations with Bumpy about how to move forward.
Francine tries to soothe Bumpy's violent lifestyle, only for him to turn into a completely different character with anger issues, and I'd like to know if this was how Bumpy was. Sort of a Jekyll and Hyde where one minute he is focused and sees money and bodies, if it calls for it, and the other is him soothing Franchie, only for him to rebuke everyone around him because of his violent lifestyle, including a fatal that hits Illinois Gordon hard. Bumpy holds onto the fact that what he is doing is what needs to be done, and I'm not sure Bumpy even knows by the end.
"Hoodlum" is a violent action picture with bloody shootouts but, it tries to define the era in which the black community had to survive against the rich or the Mafia and the poverty-stricken black folks of Harlem that Bumpy felt he needed to keep safe from a lunatic like Dutch Schultz. Harlem seemed like it was heading toward better things, and the postwar years were not easily seen, on its crime-ridden streets, and it's reflected through the characters.
7/10.
The Return of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1994)
Demented Mayhem
"Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation" is a horrid excuse for demented mayhem, and It's either a remake or a partial sequel that makes no sense. I don't even, think the filmmakers know what this was supposed to be. People are hung on meathooks, screamed at, and tortured. Add a dumb story about the Illuminate, I think, that's loosely shoved into the film and a slew of characters that have zero intelligence. Even worse, they make Leatherface, look like some sort of scardy cat weirdo, that screams, hollers, and looks like an over-the-top transvestite. This geek show is the fourth chapter of "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre," apparently, and not only is it an excuse to keep the series going, but it gets worse as the movie goes along, and you should never see this movie.
Originally, this movie was supposed to be released in 1994, but it was recut after its limited release, and after watching it, I can't imagine why. Recut as "The Next Generation," a stupid title with nothing to do with the movie, Kim Heinkel is the director of this installment and was the producer on the original film with Tobe Hooper. It acts as a remake of the original in a lot of key scenes, and the rest is completely demented scenes with people being smacked, loud crying and screaming like idiots in an attempt to create chaos, but it's embarrassing.
0/10.
Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace (1999)
The Rise of Skywalker
"Star Wars Episode 1 - The Phantom Menace" sets the center stage for the entire Skywalker Saga and takes us back to the beginning of a galaxy far far away, and sees the rise of young Pawadwan Obi-Wan Kenobi (Ewan McGregor) and the Jedi Master that trained him, Qui-Gon Jinn (Liam Neeson.) The old characters never feel less compelling, and the new characters fit into the story with reason. We see C-3PO and R2-D2, Yoda and the Jedi Counsel consisting of Mace Windu (Samuel L. Jackson.) A new Sith Lord causes the Trade Federation to upset the order in the Galatic Republic when they attack a planet called Naboo, and the Republic's Supreme Chancellor Valorum dispatches the two Jedis to negotiate.
Obi-Wan trains under Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn, who feels he is not ready to be a Jedi Master. When the negotiations fail, they escape to Naboo, where Quin-Gon rescues a talking head called Jar Jar Binks. "Mesa Jar Jar Binks." He is a Gungan and an annoying motormouth. He's the attempted comic relief for kids to laugh at when the lightsabers are swinging, and he cowardly tries to run away. He takes them to Gungan city, to see Boss Nass, and the underwater bliss is visually gorgeous.
Essentially, the movie is about Obi-Wan's journey to Jedi Master and the rise of Anakin Skywalker. Qui-Gon meets Anakin (Jake Lloyd) when the Queen's ship is damaged and crashes on a desert planet, Tatooine. The usual Star Wars aesthetic of weirdos, and alien-looking beings is here, and one of them is a floating pig called Watto. He owns Anakin as a slave, and Qui-Gon becomes determined to free him.
Lucas has faithfully established the lore and rules of "Star Wars," and here he tells a good story, but it really begins when Anakin and Qui-Gon meet for the first time. The Master Jedi senses an unusual concentration of the Force in the boy who is fated to become Darth Vader. He meets the young Anakin in a shop when he goes looking for parts to fix the damaged ship. Qui-Gon is so confident that the kid is destined for great things, he has him enter a Podrace. He trades the Queen's ship, for Anakin's freedom.
The stadium is a coliseum-like spectacle, and we see a surprise from the previous film. Various alien-like racers take off, and the camera zooms and weaves around mountains and desert-like terrain, while the camera zooms and constantly weaves to the right around every shot, and it's incoherently bad. It is one of the movie's biggest sequences, but George forgot how to use cameras in a lot of the race, and it's shot incoherently bad, with the camera constantly panning to the right.
George Lucas has never been the most talented director, and even more so as a screenwriter, but he knows the story and the step up, but none of the characters feel connected, and it feels like the director isn't even there. Horrid Blue Screens showcases a battle in the desert between Quin-Gon Jinn and the film's mysterious villain, Darth Maul (Ray Parker Jr.)
Darth Maul provides a menacing presence throughout the film when he attacks Qui-Gon in the desert. He has a duel-bladed red lightsaber and is the apprentice of the mysterious Sith lord. If you have seen the original films, which I assume anyone reading this has, you know who the new sith lord is. Maul has a red face with black spikes on his head and looks frightening. He is equally skilled as the two Jedis but only appears a handful of times before the showdown with Qui-Gon and Obi-Won Kenobi.
Qbi Wan and Qui-Gon escort Padmé to Coruscant to plead her case to the state while the film shifts to Qui-Gon trying to get approval from the Jedi Counsel to train Anakin. Master Yoda sees a lot of darkness in the boy, something Qui-Gon doesn't see for some reason, and it feels like a point that should have an explanation. The Jedi council refuses, and Qui-Gon decides he will train the boy anyway, leading to Anakin's story of how he became Darth Vader, and I'm prepared for this ride.
"Star Wars: Episode 1 - The Phantom Menace" will divide fans as much as Jar Jar Binks is annoying, but if anything, this entry signifies a new era of "Star Wars" that I don't think fans are expecting. It feels like a new chapter in a different setting. Perhaps because this is 1999 and the 1970s esthetic of the original is not there. Darth Maul's final entrance, behind a massive door, signifies the beginning of the end when a final battle is met with fatal results, allowing, this new era to continue.
8/10.
She's So Lovely (1997)
Sid & Nancy and Elmer Fudd in the late 90's
"She So Lovely" was written by the late director and screenwriter John Cassavetes, and to understand who the characters are in this movie, you need to know what John wrote about, which was strange characters who were alcoholics, psychos, and crazy lovers, and there was always a sense of danger or weirdness around them; three characters at the heart of this incoherent junk are everyone one of those but executed with such disdain.
It's one of the most flawed and ridiculously boneheaded movies I have ever seen, with an ending so vile, and revolting it made me sick. Its fascination with impossible psychological development never becomes anything because every character is disturbing and horrid. How does one film that is executed like a junkie running through the street exist by breaking artistic values at a rudimentary level and have the decency to try and tell a story so repulsive.
Unruly Maureen (Robyn Wright Penn) is a drunk, a neurotic brat, and unlikeable to the point of nausea. She smokes like a chimney and has a dumb habit of tripping in the rain. Her husband, Eddie Quinn (Sean Penn,) is also unlikeable, neutronic and unhinged. He leaves Maureen looking like she is in a drug-fueled haze when he disappears for days on end, and she is pregnant.
John's son, Nick Cassavetes, directs this, and his bottom-of-the-barrel effort shows when It opens with Maureen living in a transient hotel with Eddie. He's been missing for three days, and Maureen acts like she is on Heroin. Is she a recovering drug addict? It would appear. She looks for Eddie in a dive bar and finds him a few scenes later, In true braindead abnormality fashion, sitting in the same bar after she has wandered around aimlessly.
Maureen is a party girl with almost zero intelligence. While her tramp-like status doesn't help her, she adores Eddie, and we're supposed to see this destruction as "eternal love." While the ending certainly tries to justify that, It shamefully doesn't work because these characters are horrible people you can't get behind and don't want to know. Harry Dean Stanton shows up in a thankless role as "somebody" along with Dezi Mazer, who do nothing in the movie but sit in the bar and show up when the screenplay doesn't need them.
While looking for Eddie, she parties with her neighbour, Keifer (James Gandolfini,) who ends up assaulting her, and she tries to keep it from him until she lets it slip. "Why are you lying to me." He goes insane in a volatile way, grabs a gun and brings a whole new meaning to mental illness. Out-of-the-blue psychosis brought on by violence and characterized by inexplicable sadness and incoherent babbling. Maureen calls ERT, and when they show up at the bar to take Eddie in, he shoots one of them and ends up in a white straight jacket.
The Implausibility of the screenplay becomes a stunning issue when Eddie gets released from the loony bin where he has languished for ten years. In the last thirty minutes, Travolta shows up, and it dives headfirst into a bad sitcom routine that turns out to be a s******w.
Maureen is clean and sober, but underneath the suburban haircut, her husband, Joey (John Travolta,) can't seem to understand why she wants anything to do with Eddie, and neither can we. She tells Joey she married him to pass the time, as she has been waiting for Eddie to get released, and she still loves him. Maureen has three kids with Joey - one of them being Eddie's kid, Jeanie, and they mean nothing to her because she is still the same brainless, demented trash she was before.
How this all modulates into a revolting ending is absurd. Maureen tells Joey that she is going to leave him, and Travolta can't hold back from the soap opera routine with F-bombs around the kids. Joey is pissed and confused as to why he even married her, but it's not like he's any less demented. He takes Eddie's kid, Jeanie, to meet her father and delivers a speech in the car to the girl about how much he loves her, and it's a crock. His real reason for being there is to tell Eddie off. He carries the scene with some dignity but not enough, like some weird alternative to the film's nihilist approach to everything.
"She's So Lovely" is offensive in its stupidity, along with these characters and the demoralizing events where the film celebrates the ugliness of both the characters and the story. It exists for superficial reasons, and everything gets trivialized when Travolta gives a nine-year-old, his daughter, a beer and says, "Shut up and drink your beer," in the middle of a violent atmosphere, to the wayward ending that shows either how sleazy scumbags like Eddie are or how demented Maurren is but, there is no point to any of it when Maureen drives away with Eddie never to see her kids again and, it's as inept as the movie is.
0/10.
Picture Perfect (1997)
Aniston Misfire
There is a good movie, somewhere, in "Picture Perfect." It's a semi-intelligent story, bogged down by flat characters, smart dialogue, and a plot that spins out of control in typical rom-com fashion. Jennifer Aniston stars as a struggling advertising executive In New York City who gets passed up for a promotion, so her best friend Darcy (Illeana Douglas) cooks up a story that Kate is engaged to a guy from Boston to get her the promotion. Nick (Jay Mohr) is that guy stuck in the ruse. He's a videographer and a sweet guy who likes Kate, whom any self-respecting man would run away from.
Kate works for Mercer Advertising, and her boss, Mr. Mercer (Kevin Dunn,) discovers that she has no husband, house, or car, so if he promotes her, nothing is stopping her from leaving his company because she lives like she is in college. Kate is good at what she does but, she is so self-absorbed, and when everything seems to work for her, the screenplay hits that autopilot, and we know how everything will turn out.
Nick comes into the picture when Kate meets him at a wedding she does not want to be at. He videotapes her, and we see her through the POV of his camera lens, hints that he likes her. Nick, who videotapes weddings for a living, just met her, and she blows him off, only for the screenplay to need him to further the plot in the second act. Nick is the straight-laced guy, and Jay Mohr plays him well, even when he gets stuck in situations where she is either walking all over him, using him or simply there just for the ruse. He wants to be more and courts her throughout the movie, only for her to rebuff him because it's all a ruse.
She constantly rebuffs him, yet the screenplay can't play it smart because the "idiot plot" has to play out so she can be the selfish executive who doesn't see what's in front of her, only to see it at the end. Kate offers Nick $1,000 to come to New York for a weekend, pose as her boyfriend and break up publicly when Mr. Mercer invites her, Darcy and Nick to attend a high-class dinner. He declines the money, and the plot takes a stupid turn when she has an affair with Sam, (Kevin Bacon) Mercer's assistant. Sam's the typical bad-boy-looking hunk that these rom-coms always come with. Kate has a thing for Sam, but he rebuffs her until she is "engaged," and then, he has a thing for Kate, and she rebuffs him only to sleep with him throughout the movie.
What got me more than the movie itself was the dialogue. Why is the dialogue smart and the characters useless? Darcy justifies to Kate, "We're in advertising, Kate. I didn't lie--I sold.'' Nick also explains to Mercer at the dinner why he videotapes weddings, the privilege to videotape important moments in his client's lives. There is some genuine heart here, but Aniston ruins it by stomping on his foot because she wants to "fight" and make the split look good in front of her boss and his wife.
Some interesting moments attempt to feel genuine, but they are nothing but scenes to further the monotonous plot. Nick constantly tries to woo Kate, and there is a scene where she is in her bed, and he is on the couch. They talk back and forth about moments from their past, but it goes nowhere. Another scene has Kate disregarding Nick when he shows up at her office to woo her one final time, and Kate acts as though everything is fine. She got what she wanted until she gets an epiphany. Why does she have to come off as an implausible stuck-up moron? Because the screenplay wants her to be that way.
Strangely, the only character that does work is the good-natured boss, Mr Mercer. Kevin Dunn brings a charm to him, and he's smart, but he's there to further the plot until the eventual revelation. It's a shame that the plot is so contrived because there is a story that wants to be told, let down by a screenplay that has all the rom-com tropes, and refuses to rise above it. Characters come in and out as if they are there for cameos, and the "love story" feels like an afterthought.
"Picture Perfect" doesn't want to be anything more than a typical romance-comedy, with zero laughs, that feels flat. Aniston can't save the movie because she is at the helm and plays right into it, hoping she will be enough to make the movie. No! Aniston can't save it with her charms, so all we're left with is an unconvincing rom-com with no bite and a character that you can hardly sympathize with when she is rude and crass throughout most of the movie, and the funky dresses she wears seem like advertising companies couldn't wait to get out there chequebooks for this misfire.
4/10.
A Christmas Story (1983)
Christmas Fun
"A Christmas Story" is set in the 1950's and this picture shows that, at the time, Christmas was very conservative. It's based on the memoirs of Jean Shepard, who wrote a lot of books about growing up in the 1940's. One piece, in particular, was about him wanting a Red Ryder BB Gun for Christmas. "Porky's" was a raunchy piece of junk that was so mean-spirited and stupid. Bob Clark redeems himself and finally directs a good comedy that the entire family can enjoy.
It's about a nine-year-old boy, Ralphie Parker (Peter Billingsley) who dreams of owning a Red Ryder Carbine air rifle for Christmas. Ralphie's wish is rejected by his mother, Mrs. Parker (Melinda Dillion), his father, The Old Man (Darren McGavin) and his school teacher, Miss Shields (Tedde Moore). Will Ralphie get his wish? There are many great moments in the film. You ever get your mouth washed out with soap for using bad language,? Ralphie does. Apparently soap cures bad language. This was something that was utilized a lot in the 1950's by parents who had children with salty mouths. It's one of the many humorous scenes in the film when Ralphie blames a curse word on another kid.
Ralphie's life revolves around getting the BB gun he wants for Christmas. Despite everyone telling him, "you'll shoot your eye out." I guess no one wants him to have his Christmas present. However, the film is not about BB guns, it's about childhood and being innocent. He plays with his friends, goes to school and gets picked on by the school bully, Scutt Farkuis (Zack Ward). Scutt is the mean-spirited kid and "villain" of the film but he is just as innocent as all the kids, we learn this in the second act. Ralphie's little brother gets stuffed into a tight snowsuit and looks like a penguin and the funniest character of the picture is Ralphie's Dad, The Old Man who likes to assault the broken furnace in the basement.
Have you ever seen a lamp in the shape of a woman's leg? Ralphie's dad wins a "major award" and to the families shock, it's not what they expected but the Old Man becomes determined to put in the living room window anyway. I liked the film for what is but I was left feeling uncomfortable after Ralphie visits a department store Santa Clause, whose helpers scare and thrown kids down a slide after they have been thrown on Santa's lap.
I think the purpose was missed here and the Santa looks like a drunken wreck with a mean spirit and I didn't find this entertaining or funny. However, one of Ralphie's friends is Triple-Dog-Dared to stick his tongue to a frozen lamp post and the fire department has to be called to rescue him.
Bob Clark finally gives us a great comedy that will be watched over and over again and become a traditional comedy classic at Christmas time. There are many moments when "A Christmas Story" feels right and the finale of the picture is in the true spirit of Christmas when the family shares a turkey too many humorous laughs. But it begs you to ask questions: Will Ralphie get his BB Gun for Christmas,? Will the Old Man finally fix the busted furnace? And will Ralphie discover the true meaning of Christmas?
8/10.
Basket Case (1982)
Cheap Bloody Case
"Basket Case" is a gore-fest from beginning to end, giving us nothing special but ripped limbs and bloody remains. Everything here has blood stained all over it, and the over-the-top humour isn't funny; this film is disgusting.
Before we get into this, this movie was wack. Gory and stupid with a villain that won't hold up. There seems to be a weird attempt at humour throughout the film that doesn't work either. It comes off as a horror comedy, but this is a bloody movie that doesn't quite work.
Duane Bradley (Kevin Van Hentenryck) arrives in New York City with a wicker basket in his hands. He checks into a cheap hotel and sets out the real plan for his visit. Inside the basket lives his deformed Siamese twin brother, Belial. Years before, the brothers were surgically separated at birth, against their will, and now they seek revenge on the doctors that performed the surgery. Well, the Basket brother does.
For one thing, this picture is a dark and eerie film that features a lot of characters that we don't care about, and it follows too close to "structure" for other horror movies, similar to a stupid story used as an excuse to showcase bloody violence with people being maimed and slaughtered. None of the characters are written for any effect and serve as bait along with a jumbled mess of a story.
So what is the villain of this picture? It's a head with mangled teeth and two arms that hops around on a floor once he gets out of the basket in the second act. When we first see him, he is hanging off a wall, and a light comes on, and we are supposed to be scared of this thing. It is the scariest scene in the movie because of the setup. That's about it. They use stop motion to move him, and it looks awful.
He is a violent and vindictive creature. Strangely enough, he has some interest as he is designed weirdly for a chalky horror film like this, but we never see anything beyond violence and gore, so it doesn't matter.
One of the characters is a ridiculous tool named Sharon (Terri Susan Smith), who is about as dumb as you can get. She befriends Duane early into the picture, and it never takes off from this setting. They tried to put a romantic aspect into the picture and failed even further.
Besides being dark (almost unable to see anything) and cheesy, there is something I couldn't figure out, not that I cared, but it makes no sense. The ending to this garbage is depressing when a character is killed, and Belial does something disturbing to her to end this garbage. The question is, how? Besides that, it's one of the most disgusting sequences in a horror film; it's also stupid and leaves the picture ending on a cliffhanger.
Granted, this is a low-budget picture, but it features a terrible screenplay, and there is a sequence where police officers inspect the hotel room they stay in. After finding nothing, somehow Belial removes himself from a toilet. It's almost like the director, Frank Henenlotter, didn't even try with this picture, and it's a sad excuse that hurt my eyes watching it. Most will have difficulty getting through this picture due to the extreme violence and disturbing scenes, which they are better off avoiding altogether.
1/10.
Airplane! (1980)
Fly High
"Airplane" is a spoof comedy of the disaster genre and it shows that great writers like Jim Abrahams, David Zucker, and Jerry Zucker can write material that is actually funny. Slapstick and surreal humor are the focus of the picture but it's the characters that are a laugh riot and the movie will have you spilling over in your seat laughing.
Peter Graves - Captain Clarence Oveur : "Surely you can't be serious." Leslie Nielson - Doctor Rumack: "I am serious and don't call me Shirley" This is one of the funniest gags in the whole picture.
It's about an Ex-fighter pilot turned taxi driver, Ted Striker (Robert Hays) who has a hard time keeping a job because of a fear of flying. His longtime girlfriend, Elaine Dickinson (Julie Hagerty) is a flight attendant and leaves him. Striker grudgingly boards her plane to Chicago and hopes to win her back. Shortly after the plane takes off, dinner is served and the passengers succumb to food poisoning. Ted must get his act together to win Elaine back, save the passengers and land the plane safely.
"Airplane" has two characters that made me laugh just as hard as Chevy Chase and Goldie Hawn in "Foul Play:" Captain Oveur and Doctor Rumack but the main characters are Ted Striker whose experiences in an unnamed war have made him scared to fly. Elaine plays a stewardess and he must overcome his fear if he is to keep her. The film jumps back and forth with Ted telling the story to random people of how they met, not before they kill themselves in a comical matter because they are bored. The funniest scene is the flashback sequence that shows how they met in a Casablanca-style bar.
There is a sequence in the first act where Ted purchases a ticket for the plane and he is asked "Smoking, or Non-smoking? To which he replies "Smoking." The lady at the desk proceeds to hand him a smoking ticket. These are the kind of jokes the pictures holds your attention with. In the second act, it's one joke and gag after another when everyone succumbs to food poisoning and the passengers freak out. From here we are introduced to Otto the Autopilot, an inflatable pilot who keeps the plane level. Lloyd Bridges plays tower supervisor who always choose "a bad day to quit smoking cigarettes, drinking or smoking crack." and The Doctor who attempts to keep everyone alive with humorous results. Oh, I almost forget about the guitar-playing nun and the two black gentlemen who speak "Jive."
The picture is incredibly dumb but it's meant to be dumb and the payoff is the most rewarding part of the film. All the romance scenes are spoofed from early pictures and it has no problem begging and borrowing from early pictures like "Casablanca,"Saturday Night Fever" and "Airport 1975" and the opening credits are done with music from "Jaws" so you can expect to be in for a funny ride.
10/10.
A Fish Called Wanda (1988)
Python Funny Farce
I like it when a good cast works so great together and this picture has a fun cast that will make you laugh. Comedy and Caper are always great and this might be solely personal interest but Jamie Lee Curtis is to die for. "A Fish Called Wanda" is one of the funniest movies I have seen in a long time.
George Thomason (Tom Georgeson), a gangster in London and his assistant Ken Pile (Michael Palin,) plan a jewel heist. To help them, they bring in con artist/femme fatale, Wanda Gershwitz (Jamie Lee Curtis) and Otto West (Kelvin Kline), a loudmouth who thinks he's always right. When the heist goes according to plan and they get away with a large sum of diamonds, George is betrayed and thrown in jail only for Wanda and Otto to discover the loot is missing as George has hidden it elsewhere. With time ticking away, Wanda puts a plan in motion to seduce George's Barrister, Archie Leach (John Cleese) and find the jewels before everyone else.
I haven't laughed this hard for a while and this picture had me howling from the beginning to the end. I have never seen Jamie Lee Curtis with a mean spirit but it's a mean spirit that works because no one is getting seriously hurt in the process. Now mind you, all the characters in the picture are full of themselves and trying to outsmart each other to no end. Michael Palin, whom you may remember as Biggus Dickus from "Monty Python's Life of Brian" is in love with a tank of tropical fish, one fish he names Wanda. One might think the title is about the fish, but it's not.
Jamie Lee Curtis is central to the plot as she tries to outsmart everyone so she can discover the whereabouts of the jewels. Kelvin Kline is humorous as an Anglophobia "weapons expert" who hates being called stupid. In one scene he desperately tries to find a key that he hid in a fish tank. Someone has taken it and he tries to make Palin talk by sticking French Fries up his nose and then proceeds to eat his fish one by one until he talks. John Cleese (another Monty Python member) plays the Barrister who is unhappily married and falls under Curtis's charms. He has a vindictive wife, Wendy (Maria Aitken) and a spoiled daughter, Portia (Cynthia Cleese). Unknowingly, he gets sucked into the unfolding plot.
Michael Palin is the funniest character in the whole movie. He has a stutter and sounds like a jackhammer. His mission is to try to incite an old lady, who happens to be a prosecution witness, into a heart attack by attempting to drop a safe on her dogs. It only takes him three attempts and this sounds awful but the idea is so ridiculously stupid that someone would use a massive safe to make anything appear to be an accident, you can't help but laugh at the idea. As I said before, the picture has a mean spirit throughout but this is a comedy where everyone is against each other and the mean spirit works.
What doesn't work is the finale. We have laughed our heads off and everyone has been beaten up, pushed around, attacked or threatened. At this point I'm thinking, Wanda, is going to get caught. Well, I was a little surprised by how it ended. It's not a bad ending but I don't like it when evil/bad wins. I also don't like it when we get a film as good as this and we have sat through only to get a floppy end. It is the biggest rip-off any movie could do, and this picture, unfortunately, does that.
8/10.
Conspiracy Theory (1997)
Gibson's Nightmare
"Conspiracy Theory'' has all the elements of a suspenseful thriller and an engaging story about a man who is a conspiracy theorist. Jerry Fletcher (Mel Gibson) drives a cab in New York City while bantering on about theories of the JFK assassination, and the more we learn from him about who he is, the more you can see there is something about them that seems off. There is a reason why he is the way he is, and he is a well-developed character by the end of the movie, thanks to screenwriter Brian Helgeland. Alice Sutton (Julia Roberts) is the U. S. Justice Department lawyer whom Jerry has a thing for and, she gets roped into his world when a group of shadowy figures try to catch him in "Conspiracy Theory," the new film from "Lethal Weapon" director Richard Donner and it has his frenetic style all over the movie.
Jerry has a history with Alice because he saved her from muggers. He confines to her by barging into her work, and she begrudgingly talks to him. She is trying to solve the mysterious murder of her father. Meanwhile, after she pushes Jerry out, he is down on the streets and spots two CIA guys. He knows who they are by the way they move. He follows them, and they capture him.
Jerry escapes from a hospital of horrors and winds up handcuffed to a hospital bed, forced into a drug-induced coma. Alice visits him, and Jerry begs her to switch his chart with the criminal across for him before he falls asleep, or he will be dead in the morning. Alice returns to the hospital the next morning to find the criminal is dead, and she starts to believe that Jerry might not be crazy. Maybe he has something to do with what happened to her father.
Dr. Jonas (Patrick Stewart) is the nazi-like doctor responsible for everything going on with Jerry. He and Alice run from spies, CIA, and FBI agents who shoot up every corner and, even more boring, when FBI agents, or whatever they are, rappel down on ropes from Helicopters hovering over a street in New York City. Jerry takes Alice to his apartment, and the bond between them becomes apparent that a love story is going to come out of this, and it does, with contrivances that try to derail the plot. Since it's an action thriller, it's expected, but it doesn't mean it always works.
Some of the quieter moments are when Alice and Jerry escape into a saferoom when his apartment, which is basically a hatch trap, goes up in flames. Turns out Jerry designed his own apartment. Alice discovers a mural on the wall of her sitting on her horse and a building with three smoke stakes somewhere in New York. She is at first upset and wonders who Jerry is. They go to her apartment, where Jerry accidentally reveals he has been watching her, and she demands to know why, but he doesn't know. These moments further the plot, and they don't feel forced.
Where the film derails toward the end when it feels like the producers knew the love story was unconvincing, so they set up a different ending than what was intended, because, not only does the movie come to a close, and everything seems resolved, but it feels like they left it open for a sequel. I won't spoil the ending, but it feels like rewrites took place, and I'm curious to see what the original ending was because this one ends as you would expect with, Alice saving the day, and the government assassins are no longer after them.
I have to say, if they did make a "Conspiracy Theory 2," there might be an idea. Jerry is an interesting character, and the movie does have a trilogy feel to it, but it also feels like a very self-contained story, meaning we don't need a sequel. But, if they could get it right, It might be worth revisiting these characters. Possibly, married and exposing conspiracy theories. Let's hope they don't do that.
"Conspiracy Theory" is an intriguing thriller with genuine suspense, thrills and an energetic concept that they use as a plot device rather than execute the story with ideas of conspiracy theories. Gibson pulls off a bombastic performance, and Roberts comes off as a strong woman only to fall into the "love interest" role. Unfortunately, alot of the movie is buried under cliches, and the love story is unconvincing, but it's an entertaining thriller with some ideas that don't always work, although Gibson's performance is enough to see the movie.
7/10.
Money Talks (1997)
Annoying Tucker
Comedian Chris Tucker jams his foot in his mouth and is annoying, at times, unbearable, in his new movie "Money Talks," and Charlie Sheen doesn't do much else either. He looks like he doesn't want to be there, and his role is that of the typical idiot news reporter who wants a scoop and is getting married to a woman who knows nothing about him. Add an action plot with guns firing and people running. All the usual suspects of formula action comedy are here.
Tucker plays con man Franklin Hatchett, a fast-talking motormouth who runs a small-time car wash and is a ticket scalper. He owes money to a local mobster and has caught the attention of investigating news reporter James Russel (Charlie Sheen,) who has Hatchett arrested. French criminal Raymond Villard (Gerard Ismael) is the film's villain, and he is too vicious for a comedy that comes off as lighthearted. Not surprisingly, the prison transport gets intercepted by mercenaries, and Villard escapes with Hatchett handcuffed to him. No one thought of the possibility that Villard could've blown up? It's strange to me that only Hatchett and Villard survive the assault.
Hatchett manages to escape and is now wanted for the murder of several police officers and escaping custody. Sound familiar? It should. It's straight out of the buddy-comedy formula handbook. Sometimes, the performances can make the movie with a standard story, such as "Lethal Weapon." No! There is nothing new here. The plot is so dumb, with Villard trying to retrieve a stash of diamonds and Hatchett trying to get them before the criminals do. As a result, it becomes an excuse for Tucker to do his comedy routine and act like an idiot.
You may remember Tucker from "The Fifth Element" a few months ago. He plays the same annoying character here as he did in that movie. Except this time, he seems to be trying to act because he has more of a character to develop, which he doesn't. He uses improvisation by mostly threatening to knock everyone out in a rant style. "Who do you think you messing with?" Only to get punched, and he says, "Alright, you win." "Alright. I'm a stop."
Russell gets fired from Channel 12, and Hatchett is fingered as the mastermind for the prison break. Anyone with eyes could see that Hatchett doesn't have the skill to pull off the escape. Yet, the news mentions the terrorist who escaped. You think he might have had something to do with it? No, because a manhunt ensures for Hatchett, and he turns to Sheen for protection.
Seeing an opportunity to get his job back during "sweeps week," Russell hides out Hatchett at his girlfriend's parent's house when his name gets on the news as a wanted fugitive. Grace's dad, Guy ( Paul Sorvino,) is so dumb he thinks Hatchett is Vic Damone Jr. Her mother (Veronica Cartwright) is an alcoholic and the most thankless role in the movie. James's fiance, Grace (Heather Locklear,) is a daddy's girl, nothing more, and of course, it doesn't feel like anything because there is no chemistry between James and Grace.
Where the movie does pick up some steam is towards the end. It's a full-blown shootout on a Football field where a dirty detective is revealed, and it's no surprise because you see it coming early in the film when he first appears. You're not left with anything but sparks flying and endless banter. However, Hatchett's friend Aaron (Michael Wright) sits in the stands, with his hulking henchman and shoots at everybody. They even have fun, humorlessly blowing the place up with an RPG. Why could he be in the film more?
If you are expecting a twist ending, stop thinking so hard because it's exactly what you've come to expect. Sheen and Tucker are friends after an hour and a half, and the movie has left us with stupid comedy gags, useless prop characters, flat writing, and a stock standard action comedy story we have seen countless times with the black and the white guy. Only this time, Sheen looks like he wants to jump in the river for most of the movie and never moves past the pissed-off guy with a scowl.
"Money Talks" is useless in every aspect, from Sheen to Tucker to the story. Tucker can't help himself when he goes on verbal rants and has the thankless task of trying to be taken seriously. It's the kind of stupidity that begs for laughs, and none of it is funny. You can see the intelligence in Tucker when he shuts up for a moment, and that cheesy smile is enough to pull you in, but what he is capable of, I'm not too sure what that is yet.
4/10.
Lethal Weapon 2 (1989)
Lethal Riggs
"Lethal Weapon 2" is a sequel that doesn't feel forced and, in some ways, is better than the original masterpiece. "Lethal Weapon" was a friendship between two very different people, and played on the fact that they were both in Vietnam, changed their lives, and Martian Riggs (Mel Gibson) was a killer who had to come to terms with the horrors in his head, It was about their friendship, and it felt like two torn men finding a new meaning to exist and trust among one another.
It opens with Murtaugh and Riggs in a shootout, chasing after a car. Murtaugh is driving his wife's new station wagon, and his constant fear of his wife is hilarious, fearing she'll catch him doing something stupid. Captain Murphy (Steve Kahan) listens in on the car chase at the station, and the officers start placing bets when they find out about the station wagon. Aside from the violent tone, the film is funny.
Of course, Riggs gets in the driver's seat, and the car gets smashed to hell. When the side mirrors come off, the look on Murtaugh's face is humourlessly fantastic. The car gets severely damaged throughout the movie and is a constant source of humour even when it loses the back door. Riggs discovers the getaway car's trunk is full of Krugerrands (South African money.)
Riggs lives in his trailer near the beach, and Murtaugh is still the family man. His kids are older and tease him about getting older, something he begins to feel, and, he starts thinking about retirement. Captain Murphy assigns them to babysit a pipsqueak informant Leo Getz, (Joe Pesci,) who never shuts up and, is going to turn state evidence. Riggs and Murtaugh, find themselves up against a ruthless gang of South African Diplomats, who are dealing illegal gold when they stumble onto the scheme with Leo's help.
Mr. Rudd (Joss Ackland) is not happy about the money, being seized, and orders his hitman, Vorstedt (Derrick O'Connor,) to send Murtaugh a warning. Leo was an accountant for Rudd, and he figured out a way to launder half a billion dollars in illegal drug money and, even more, found a way to cheat the system and get tax deductions. When the cops go to apprehend him, Rudd invokes Dimpolmatic immunity to hide, and they are told to leave the case alone.
Riggs is the main focus of the movie when he catches the eye of Rika (Patsy Kensit) and begins to harass Rudd with humorous results. Rika hates her boss and doesn't follow his views on race. Riggs has Murtaugh create a scene at the consulate so he can sneak in, and it's hilarious in a way only Glover can pull off. Leo asks "Alfonse" if he wants to go to South Africa during Apartheid, and, oh my, is it ever funny.
While the comedy hits in the right moments, there is a dark tone like the original film, and the villains steal the show and cause tension. Vorstedt murders all the officers investigating them, Rigg and Murtaugh's friends, and they declare war on the LAPD, while Rudd attempts to ship the money from his money laundering scheme from the United States to Cape Town, South Africa.
The darkest scene in the movie, and I won't spoil it, will have you on the edge. Riggs finds something out, and it sets an unnerving tone because they have a connection to him, "I'm the one who changed the course of your life mate." Riggs discovers why they are after him, and it's riveting when something gets revealed and tragedy strikes. Riggs becomes an animal, and Gibson smashes the performance.
Riggs and Murtaugh, expectedly, crash the gateway on Rudd's boat, and Riggs finds himself in front of someone with a violent score to settle. Screenwriter Shane Black, who wrote the original, knows where to go with these characters, and Director Richard Donner knows what to do with them. Effectively, he knows how to use them in elaborate action sequences and, how to draw them right in the center of the story, and this avoids a re-trend when Black knows how to write a story that ties to the original.
"Lethal Weapon 2" balances the comedy and the action while retraining its violent tone. Peschi adds a charming element, but when the cops start getting killed, it adds a sense of danger to the movie that carries throughout the last half, and it doesn't let up until the sparks fly. It also shows the side of Riggs we have seen before, but It shows Murtaugh finally understanding why Riggs can be so violent.
9/10.
Mimic (1997)
Aggressively Scary and Unnerving - Best of 1997
Kids in New York City, are dying from Stickler disease, and cockroaches spreading the disease are the cause. Dr. Susan Tyler (Mira Sorvino,) uses genetics and creates a new breed of bugs called "Judas," a hybrid between a mantis, and a termite that can mimic cockroaches and, the opening establishes that the bugs are meant to die off in a few months. The effective atmosphere, from visionary director Guillermo Del Toro, adds a disturbing texture that makes everything stylish in "Mimic," one of the most aggressively scary and best films of the year.
It opens with Dr. Peter Mann's (Jeremy Northam,) deputy director of the CDC hiring, Susan, to combat the bug problem. She designs the new bug, and, it's effective in New York City wiping out the disease. The opening is a bit flimsy, but established enough that we have an idea of the movie we're in for. Three years pass, and Susan, an Entomologist, is sold a box by two local boys with a "weird bug" inside. She discovers the bug has DNA from the "Judas," which alarms her because the bugs she released were all female since they were supposed to die, which would have ensured they wouldn't live another generation.
Turns out, the bugs evolved. A priest is dragged underground, and a little boy, Chuy (Alexander Goodwin,) witnesses the ordeal. He has a set of spoons that he uses to Mimic the screech that the bugs make. He refers to the attacker as "Mr. Funny Shoes." His guardian, Manny (Giancarlo Giannini,) a subway shoe shiner, disbelieves him. Before she can examine the specimen further, it's stolen from her lab.
Del Toro creates an abandoned Subway Station as the centrepiece of the film and, it is spooky with flickering lights and claustrophobic hallways. While looking for more bugs in the subway, the two boys are killed by the same assistant when they find an egg sack and try to escape. Chuy is soon kidnapped, and Susan discovers something standing, in a trench coat with a human-looking face. She realizes it's the Mantis-like "Judas Bug," that hauls her off, and she gets captured and disappears down the lower levels of the subway station. These scenes are the suspenseful moments that build throughout the film, leading to effective payoffs.
Down in the dark, She discovers the "Judas" bugs are alive and that screwing with genetics was probably not the best option. Dr. Peter, his assistant Josh (Josh Brolin) and MTA Officer Leonard (Charles S. Dutton) unknowingly, venture down into the subway to look for clues. They get stuck, down in the tunnels, and the sense of danger is thrilling. These bugs are your typical villains that "feel dangerous," they are. Yes, they are a genetic experiment, but they come off as violent when they try to smash a train cart that becomes a safe haven where most of the movie plays out.
Dr. Susan explains that she accelerated the "Judas Breed," metabolism allowing them to reproduce at an accelerated rate, causing them to evolve over thousands of generations, and they have developed the ability to mimic their human prey. The bugs have lungs, and Peter, explains "Biology 101. Insects don't have lungs." The dialogue is thrilling, and it ramps up the suspense when they deduce that their experiment, will try anyway to kill them, and Del Toro has the audience right where he wants them.
Susan gets the idea to fire up the subway cart to escape, and Del Toro uses their fear to raise the tension, and Manny shows up looking for his kid. Susan pulls out two pictures and realizes that when, they're put together, they makes the quasi-face of a human-sized roach. Del Toro pulls the camera back, and we feel the loneliness everyone gets stuck in.
Where the tension ramps to its fullest is, when Peter decides to stop the bugs, and he sends Susan up an elevator while she screams at him. He finds himself trapped in a room where one single noise will get him killed. The explosions start, and the "villain" appears, and we do not see much of him, but it's fine, because we've seen the Roaches enough. It's the chaotic scenes that lead to his appearance behind someone, that holds the tension high towards the end of the film.
"Mimic" takes what might be an old concept and breathes new life into it. Del Toro is a director with a visual style that has a way of drawing the audience into the world he creates. Mira Sorvino is fantastic as Susan, and she and Peter have to get creative if they're going to live, and the danger feels real. Every shot is suspenseful, and Del Toro, relying on the darkness to create fear, is brilliant.
10/10.
Air Bud (1997)
No Game
"Air Bud" is supposed to be a family-friendly movie, but it has one of the cruellest openings I have ever seen. A golden retriever is in the back of a truck, and Norm (Michael Jetter,) dressed like a clown, makes an ass out of himself at a kid's birthday party. He looks like he just got released from prison. His truck bellows smoke and backfires. He is an idiot, and his idiocy is supposed to be a point of laughter when he rips his truck door off and jumps on it like a kid, but how do you laugh at this idiot when he is abusive towards the animal?
Josh (Kevin Zegers) is depressed because his father recently passed away, so he moves with his mother Jackie (Wendy Makkena) and sister Andrea (Mather Twins) to a small town where he becomes the outcast at the local school. He lacks the confidence to try out for the school basketball team, but the school janitor Arthur Chaney (Bill Cobbs,) who used to be a player for the New York Knicks in the 1950s) takes on the typical role of someone who inspires the depressed kid.
Josh starts shooting hoops at an old abandoned church when he discovers the golden retriever. He names the dog Buddy and hides him in his mother's house. Of course, Wendy discovers the animal and allows him to keep it if he puts up missing flyers. Josh discovers Buddy can bunt basketball, and the underdog team will become the hero team, in the end. Buddy can somehow enter Josh's 2nd-floor bedroom window, walk across the roof, and nobody sees him. On the court, he turns out to be a star when he never misses a shot and bunts the ball into the net every time.
Norm is barely in the movie, and that's a good thing. He is not someone kids should be seeing, as an abusive grumpy alcoholic who physically abuses the dog, and I find it absurd that the director would show this in a family-friendly movie with themes of abuse strong even to make adults shutter. Director Charles Martin Smith doesn't seem to know how to balance the two elements because you see the couch aggressively throwing balls at a student to the point when the child looks stunningly abused. The principal intervenes, and you hear he was fired, but why, do we have to see this? Norm Sneverly is enough. It's an excuse for Bill Cobbs to come back on screen and couch the team. How he goes from a famous Basketball player to a janitor is never explored.
Cobbs tries to teach the boys skills and confidence, and the kid of the Elmer Fud father throws a tartan, and Fud movies his kid, the school bully, to another team in two states over. What? Okay, so Josh becomes the team manager, and the dog is, by his side. It's preposterous, but since this is a kid's movie about loss and companionship, seeing the dog, is what is supposed to bring the smiles.
Norm eventually returns when he discovers the dog is a star and wants him back. He comes off as a creep when he leans up behind Wnedy and asks for the dog. The dog growls at him, and you see him dragging the animal by the collar in an abusive manner, and the cops aren't called? Everyone in the neighbourhood shuts their blinds? Again, why do kids need to see this?
Surprisingly, it has a serious tone that doesn't work because it gives the film a dreary sense due to how psychotic Norm is. When he discovers the dog being rescued, he chases after Josh and Buddy and tries to run them down. His truck falling apart is supposed to be funny, and, it is, but, he smashes through monuments, destroying property, and no cops appear? When the wheel pops off, he floors it into the lake. These are funny slapstick moments, but the unbalanced tone stops the movie from being funny.
The last fifteen minutes of the movie, are absurd when Norm decides to take everyone to court over ownership of the dog. He waltzes into the courtroom dressed as a clown, spouts garbage, and the judge says, "You look like an idiot." The judge, played by Eric Christmas, is reduced to a snivelling cameo where he can't put two sentences together. Every time he bangs the gavel, the dog barks, and, this is supposed to be funny.
There are moments where the dog and the kid bond, and it's cute, but it doesn't take away the fact that "Air Bud" has a mean spirit, and a gloom over it that kids may find unnerving. The scenes with the dog wearing shoes and playing ball are cute, but the depressing, and alarming tone is not something kids should see in a family movie.
1/10.
Free Willy 3: The Rescue (1997)
No Rescue Needed!
"Free Willy 3: The Rescue," is a pointless sequel that retreads the original with Willy being in danger. "The Rescue" in the title is exactly what it is, with Willy needing Jessie to save him, and It feels underwhelming. At the heart of the movie is Max (Vincent Berry,) a grade school kid who, feels like Jesse from the original film; a lonely and lost kid, but it's not taken very far. His father, John (Patrick Kilpatrick,) is a whaler, and when Max gets to go out on his father's boat, he becomes sad when he discovers his father illegally hunts whales.
Jessie (James James Rictor) is sixteen, now and works as a researcher on Noah, a research boat, with Randolph (August Schellenberg. Oceanographer Drew (Annie Corley) takes a liking to Jessie. He signs on for a summer internship where he plays harmonic whale noises to bring Willy to him. It brings the whalers, who do a good job of hiding what they are doing, and Jesse in the usual scenario where he needs to find evidence, and he'll get himself into preposterous trouble trying to bring them in.
John doesn't have any chemistry with Max, and he says "I'll teach you everything I know." He explains to Max that he misses the days when hunting whales meant bringing light to the world." with oil lamps. He gets $200 a pound, for whale meat. He explains that he comes from a long line of whalers, and he, wants Max to follow him but doesn't seem to see that Max is distraught throughout the movie. There is no meaning between any of them. John is focused on one thing, and Max is an afterthought until the screenplay says, "Put them together in this scene."
Meanwhile, Jessie tags Orcas, while whalers lock on to the signal and use it to bring the whales to them. Max falls overboard and has a magical moment with Willy underwater where he decides what his dad is doing is wrong, and John refuses to listen. None of it feels cohesive, and feels like it's thrown together, with bland and garbage photography, because the producers had to release another movie.
When the whalers attack, we are supposed to feel the tension, but it's garbage because this is a family-friendly movie, and John misses it every time. Of course, he does! There is no sense of danger throughout the movie if there is supposed to be. We don't see much from Jesse or Max, but neither character feels like they are here for a purpose other than to tell another story nobody asked for.
Jesse tries to convince Max that what his dad is doing is wrong, and Max knows this but won't say anything until Jesse takes him out to meet Willy. He never even mentions that he fell in the water and saw him. Of course, when John finds out his son doesn't want to follow in his footsteps, he becomes hard-pressed to defend what he does, telling him it's put a roof over his head. Of course, there is going to be a resolve, and it's a bland conversation about mortality that Max doesn't seem to understand because he is a kid.
Jesse sneaks aboard John's boat, in an attempt, to find evidence, while Randolph tries to get funny in a bar. I thought Jesse was, going to get caught, but no, he doesn't. Instead, Max finds him and decides it's time to stop his dad after being quiet for most of the movie before Willy magically appears to get shot at for the final scenes of the movie.
There is no doubt kids will like "Free Willy 3: The Rescue," the squeak of Willy is enough to make them smile, but the movie, itself, doesn't tell a strong enough story and falls apart when the characters do nothing, and everything feels like an afterthought when the story is a campaign ad for "Save the Whales," instead, of putting heart behind It. There is nothing smart because screenwriter, John Mattson didn't care. Yet, he wrote the last movie so I'm confused! The oil spill in "Free Willy 2: The Adventure Home," was much smarter and gave the movie a sense of danger, not this time around, and it's a disappointing conclusion to the trilogy.
4/10.