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Inside No. 9: Mr. King (2022)
Modern reworking of a 1973 classic.....
Alan arrives at a small independent school in a Welsh village, we learn he has suffered mental health problems due to previous workloads and stress and he thinks a job in a smaller school will assist him in getting over this.
The children in Alan's class are disappointed that their old teacher, the 'Mr King' of the title, has moved on/. But a postcard from him, read by the headmaster, telling them he is enjoying life 'down under' seems to please them.
Alan proceeds to teach the children about the environment, focusing quite seriously on Greta Thunberg and the XR movement.
A quiet girl, Kerry, seems withdrawn and nervous. Alan senses this and questions if everything is ok at home. He makes remarks about Michael Jackson.
Later, Kerry's parents make a complaint, alleging Alan showed Kerry his penis and made lewd and unacceptable comments. The head insists on photographing Alan's penis - interrupted by the half blind school cleaner - to see if it matches Kerry's description.
As the story unfolds it's very clear that it's heading in dark direction - the discovery of a file containing photos of other penises - and it bears a striking resemblance (or homage) to a certain Edward Woodward movie.
I enjoyed this episode immensely, even though it became quite predictable. The final scenes were actually quite creepy, the actual realisation of what is happening in a colourful, cheerful classroom setting is unsettling. An all round great episode.
And for the reviewer who claimed that the scenes photographing Alan's penis bore no relevance to the story and served only to make the head look weird - rewatch the end, listen to what the head tells Alan about being 'natural'.
Free Guy (2021)
Excellent.
Great movie, slightly longer than it needed to be but very enjoyable.
The only fault I found was the guy who played Antwan. I've never seen such horrendous acting in my life. Absolutely dreadful.
American Horror Stories: The Naughty List (2021)
Complete cringe fest Bro!
If you think regular TikTok 'influencers' (ie 'adults' aged 18-30 who act fake for a social media app whilst saps make them rich) are irritating wait until you see the four nutsacks in this episode.
Four men, who refer to themselves as bro's, live together in the 'Bro house' and do bro stuff like sliding down stairs in surf boards, jumping on Christmas trees, jumping into swimming pools (these are adults by the way) and posting their 'hilarious' exploits online for their braindead followers.
To attract more subscribers to their bro'ing they decide to hang out under a bridge to see if they can catch people who are desperate enough to jump to their deaths - cool bro stuff bro!
They succeed, filming a man who throws himself off the bridge whilst they chant 'Bro House!!' instead of actually helping him. They post the video at their Bro house party, and everyone present is appalled. Their fame starts to fade, their subscribers desert them and their sponsors drop them. They decide to try to attract a gay following - cue ridiculous clips of them weightlifting and eating ice cream from each other's chests - whilst Wyatt (acting ability of Mr Ed) shouts "No homo" because they're not gay. Their popularity falls further.
A quick visit to the mall, the sexual harassment of a girl dressed as an elf, the bullying of a little person and the mall Santa has had enough. Conveniently mall Santa is also an escaped psycho - you can see where this is going can't you.
This is one of the single most crappy things I have ever seen. I only gave the one star because Danny Trejo plays the mall Santa, and he deserves a reward for offing four of the most irritating people ever to grace a tv screen.
I cannot believe the people who created such fantastic characters like Sister Jude, Lana Banana, Constance Langdon, Myrtle Snow, Madame Delphine and Twisty The Clown are responsible for this complete and utter crap.
Mare of Easttown (2021)
Extremely engaging drama.
Mare is a detective in a small Pennsylvania town. She lives with her Mother (the always excellent Jean Smart), her teen daughter and her Grandson - the child of her son Kevin who died from suicide. Her ex husband lives across her backyard with his new fiancée.
She seems to be permanently miserable, angry and confrontational. But she is also fair, cares about the people in her town and loves her family.
Mare is confronted by Dawn, an old school friend who is searching for her daughter who vanished a year ago. Dawn is angry and frustrated that the police don't seem to be doing anything to find her daughter, despite them exhausting all avenues of investigation. At the same time young single Mother Erin, who loves with her clearly abusive Dad and her young baby, is fighting with her baby's Dad Dylan to provide money for ear surgery that the child needs. Dylan's girlfriend threatens Erin, warning her to stay away. Erin's only happiness lies with her best friend Jess and her imminent date with Brendan, a young man she has met online. To go any further would spoil the first episode, but needless to say a horrific act occurs and the community reels in shock.
The entire series is so well written, so detailed and totally engrossing. I watched it all within one day.
There is a permanent feeling of depression, like this small town has nothing good to offer anyone and they all simply exist in it.
The plot twists are jolting, but subtly added throughout the episodes.
Erin's missing bike, paternity tests, a custody battle, a recently reassigned priest, a novelist who takes an instant interest in Mare. It all makes for an absolutely outstanding story.
One final thing. I've never been a fan of Winslet, but she impressed me beyond words in this series. However, I can't help thinking that she (and the writers) had watched 'Happy Valley' before creating the character of Mare.
Mare is a carbon copy of Sarah Lancashire's character Catherine Cahill from Happy Valley.
The angry divorced cop, living near her ex and his new partner. The Grandma caring for their grandchild, son of their child who committed suicide. Living with her Mother (in Happy Valley it was a sister) who she clashes with but loves because she also takes care of the grandchild. The bitter second child who blames her for the suicide of their sibling. The similarities cannot be coincidental.
All in all a fantastic show that had me gripped from beginning to end. But owes a lot to Happy Valley.
Dead Again (2021)
Wtf?
Few guys got together and one of them said "Hey I've got an idea. Let's butcher Sean Of The Dead, Hot Fuzz and World's End all in one go".
This atrocity is the result.
Inside No. 9: Wuthering Heist (2021)
Very disappointed
I've been a fan of this show since day one, I love most of the stuff from Shearsmith and Pemberton.
Sadly this is one of the worst episodes I've seen - second to the dreadful Zanzibar. I often think whole point of Inside Number 9 is the way they can take what looks like mundane or innocuous situations and make them utterly horrifying - To Have And To Hold was a perfect example of that.
But this episode fell flat.
Hopefully the rest of the season will be an improvement, because it really couldn't get any worse.
Butchers (2020)
Rip off of every hillbilly/cannibal/inbred family movie ever made.
You could save yourself the pain of having to watch this by watching one of the later, lower budget, badly acted Wrong Turn movies, because that's pretty much all this is, but without the professionalism (yep, it's THAT bad).
Young couple are attacked by, you've guessed it, some backward hillbilly cannibal family types at the beginning. Man is killed, woman taken away.
Fast forward some months and another bunch of young people you wont care about are in the same area, and the same thing happens.
The 'family' are the typical cliché. The angry older Patriarch type, the angry younger man, the slow witted man (the 'actor' playing Oswald is so bad it's comical) and the stereotypical deformed creature they keep locked up, who reminds us of his presence with the odd howl and groan.
We have the standard 'missing woman' from the opening scenes locked up in a ramshackle shed where they live. She's conveniently about 9 months pregnant, Oswald utters the line "Well at least we can stop wondering about which one of us is the Father) because they need us to know they've all raped her. Because we wouldn't realise they'd raped her by using our brain.
I guarantee you will not care about a single character in this movie, it's just dreadful.
Look out for deformed man chasing the final girl through the woods after she runs away from the shack. Then ask yourself how Oswald the gurning brother manages to shoot the car window when he's back at the shack.
I watched this on a streaming site, please don't waste your time - and definitely dont waste your money - by paying to watch this utter garbage.
Amish Abduction (2019)
Need a new researcher!
The sheer volume of goofs and misinformation in this movie makes it so bad that it's actually the most entertaining thing about it. It's ridiculously far fetched.
Amish couple, Jacob and Annie, live in an Amish town that seems to consist of two houses and a church. They live with their small son in what looks like a very small community by Amish standards.
Jacob begins to lose all interest in the Amish lifestyle and voices his desire to go and 'live among the English', an idea that Annie rejects instantly over dinner. Jacob tells her he is sick of the same mundane life, sick of fixing barns and ploughing fields. He then catches sight of Samuel, a young man who likes to get drunk and buys whiskey from a townsman who has tried to increase his prices for said whiskey.
Jacob goes with Samuel to confront the man - as you do - and a fight ensues. Jacob punches the man, he falls, hits his head and dies. Jacob hides the body by covering his face with leaves (yes he does) and runs away.
Jacob then becomes more erratic and decides he'll run off to the big city, taking his son with him. The whole thing just gets more ridiculous from there.
Annie travels to the city with Jacob's brother for what is probably the fastest a custody case has ever taken to get to court.
Annie and the brother share a room, she dreams of leaving the hotel wearing a short skirt and seeing her son who no longer recognises her. There is sexual tension between Annie and the brother, it boils over to the point where she - shock horror - suggests he sleeps on the floor of her room! It's all a bit soap opera level melodramatic to say the least.
The custody case is resolved in record speed, Annie returns to the tiny village and Jacob follows to get his revenge. It's ridiculous to day the least, but also quite entertaining.
The main problem I have with this movie is the fact that there looks to have been very little research into the Amish lifestyle and their communities.
Annie wears an unties bonnet - Amish women wear tied bonnets.
Annie wears a short red dress - something an Amish woman would never do.
The village children wear modern coats with logos, not an Amish practice.
Annie seems to dictate to the men in her life, unheard of in Amish life.
Annie's professionally shaped eyebrows, running mascara and full face of make up, really?
The part where Annie orders a bunch of Amish elders around then tells her Dad that she is 'fighting back' for Amish women is laughable.
There are plenty of really good movies that depict the Amish way of life - Witness, Amish Grace, An Amish Murder - but this isn't one of them. It's laughably entertaining, but too far fetched and frankly stupid.
Car Share: The Cyclist (2017)
Best British comedy
Whoever wrote the description for this episode clearly hasn't watched it.
Steve is Kayleigh's brother in law, she doesn't have a 'new boyfriend'.
Anyway, the episode starts the morning after the last episode on series 1. Kayleigh has moved in with her younger sister Mandy and now travels in to work on the bus and tram. She and John pass the travel time by ringing each other, it's obvious that they miss being together in John's car.
The duo have to deal with a malicious cyclist, bad phone lines, an accidental phonecall by Kayleigh and the general monotony of travelling to work.
Not the greatest episode, but a good start to series two.
Lake Placid: Legacy (2018)
Well that was awful.
I love the Lake Placid movies, this movie needs to change it's name and stop embarrassing the franchise.
A bunch of truly unlikeable characters visit an island to do some 'urban exploring'. There's an abandoned facility of some sort.
The giant croc eats the boat pretty early on, so they're stuck on the island with no means of escape, so they head into the facility, and unbelievably the tunnels, to search for a way to contact help.
Some of the stuff they do just defies belief. They find a mesh grill on the wall, look into it and decide they'll lower themselves down into the floor below? Why? The irritating Spencer holds the rope whilst everyone starts to climb down, but how was Spencer supposed to get down? Well that doesn't matter because the big cartoon croc comes along and they run away.
It's just nonsensical. I don't even know what happened at the end, it was so stupid I started reading through social media and missed it. I didn't care enough to rewatch it.
The acting is awful. Penny can't decide which accent to use, her screams at having a broken leg echo round the island but two minutes later she can manage to hobble along with the rest of the gang.
Every cliche character is there. Angry guy, guy who knows more than he lets on, beardy saviour guy. Look out for the two drippy sisters who decide to have a heart to heart and tell each other wonderful they are whilst deciding which of them will go down the rope first. You genuinely don't care and just wish the croc would come along and eat them all.
And for a movie about a croc you'd think they'd actually show it every once in a while.
Awful. Avoid.
Creepshow 3 (2006)
This is horrific.
Spoilers!
Found this atrocity on an online streaming site. I wasn't even aware a third Creepshow had been made, and after watching it I really wish it hadn't.
The stories are simply dreadful, no logic in them just plain awfulness.
For example, the first segment about a teenage girl named Alice. She's a typical selfish teen, not a very nice person. She returns home from school, annoying neighbours on the way. Her Dad has bought a new universal remote control, he's trying to work out how it functions. Teen brother is nasty to teen girl, Grandma is insulting, Mother whines. Each time Dad presses the remote it changes everything, First press and the family vanishes, second press brings them back but they're a black family, third press and the family is Hispanic. Then each press changes the girl. She has a deformed hand, then she has a deformed and boil covered foot. Then she's back to normal until Dad presses the button again and she's just a pile of pulsating boils - the reaction of the family is probably the worst acting you'll ever see. They chase her outdoors where the ex cop Dad struggles to hold his gun for ten seconds.
Then the old neighbour presses his remote, she changes into a rabbit and the story ends. That is how utterly crap this movie is. It is complete and utter garbage.
Superintelligence (2020)
Not one of Melissa McCarthy's better movies.
I'm a huge McCarthy fan, she has great comedic timing, she can act and she is genuinely funny. I was looking forward to watching this movie, but I was so disappointed. She really deserves better than this.
And the fact that Ben Falcone (Mr McCarthy) feels the need to pop up as irritating characters in her movies - Air Marshall John in Bridesmaids, Tammy's boss in Tammy, the Uber driver in Life Of The Party - makes him look desperate to hang from her coattails. And in Superintelligence we have the added irritation of James Cordon, who finds himself way funnier and talented than anyone else does. Exactly why the US seems to find him so endearing when here in the UK he is basically Smithy and a figure of mockery is baffling.
The basic premise is that an AI looks for the most average person it can find, and finds Carol Peters. It decides to study her and talks to her through various electrical appliances.
We have the inevitable scenes where McCarthy is transformed from the dowdy character she is at the beginning of the movie to a far more attractive looking woman, all with the standard 'let's do a funny dress up/makeover scene' that seems to be part and parcel of McCarthy's movies.
The AI learns from Carol, but also sees humanity as something not worth saving so decides to wipe out all mankind. The government becomes involved - cue Falcone as a bumbling CIA agent *eyeroll* - after a phonecall from Carol's friend (who conveniently works at Microsoft researching AI presence online). We also have the fantastic Jean Smart as the female President (virtue signal received) who had a horrible dismissive attitude that reminded me of the female who failed to become president a few years ago.
But none of this is quite as important as the AI's obsession with reuniting Carol with her ex George from three years ago - Bobby Cannavale playing the usual unlikeable wooden character he is synonymous with.
Carol's aware of the impending human apocalypse yet she happily helps George pack up his home for his move to Ireland, because that's obviously way more important.
Rewatch Bridesmaids or Life Of The Party.
I was really looking forward to this movie, and it was a complete and utter letdown. It's more of a romantic soap opera than a sci-fi comedy. I actually found myself not caring what happened to anyone.
The Crown: Aberfan (2019)
My heart is broken.
The sight of slurry crashing through a school wall whilst children cower under tables is an image I can't forget.
One of the most heartbreaking things I have seen on TV. Brilliantly done, but so sad that it happened at all.
10/10.
Come Play (2020)
Better than I thought it would be.
I watched this with pretty low expectations of just another 'creature' movie. But I was pleasantly surprised.
The story centres around a young non verbal autistic boy called Oliver who communicates via electronic devices, namely an adapted phone that allows him to 'speak', however something is 'living' in his phone and wants to be his friend. It opens an app telling the story of Larry. Pretty much friendless he lives with his bickering parents. After an incident at school, with his former best friend, his phone is lost to him leaving him more isolated than ever.
Oliver's Dad finds and ipad in a lost property box at work, takes it home and the story of Larry reappears. Larry is, according to the story, a 'Misunderstood Monster' who simply wants to be friends with Oliver, but Oliver senses all is not right and he hides the ipad to protect himself.
Thinking that she can help her son to come out of his isolated existence, Oliver's Mother invites his old friend and two other boys to a sleepover, in the hope that they will befriend her son. However when the boys find the ipad that Oliver had hidden Larry decides to make himself known to them.
The story is pretty good, the parents are nice people, the kids are lovely and you actually root for them.
There are a few genuinely creepy moments as Larry pops up in different places or skulks around in the background. And there are also a couple of quite touching moments, something which I didn't expect.
It's a good movie, not a groundbreaking horror by any means, but I've seen a hell of a lot worse in the past few lockdown months.
The Call (2020)
Disappointed
I wanted so much to like this movie, I'm a huge Lin Shaye fan.
Sadly it's not one of her best.
Set in the 80s (presumably so they could centre the entire story around calls on a telephone with actual wires) this is simply a 'teens get into trouble after tormenting local old lady' movie.
There's nothing new at all.
The four teen (yeah right) leads are totally unlikeable, their acting is as wooden as it comes and not even Lin and Tobin Bell can save us from the sheer awfulness.
In a nutshell:
Three teens befriend a new teen who moves into their town. They are the typical cliche group of horror movie teens. The new weird guy (who seems to have the strangest skin on his face), the flirty girl, the tough guy and his little brother. You don't care about any of them, they're literally awful people.
They visit a fair then decide to go and torment an old lady who flirty teen claims killed her little sister in her daycare business (if you don't see the obvious twist then you need better glasses) years earlier.
They break the old lady's window, she confronts them and tells them she'll save them a seat in Hell.
The old lady then commits suicide after telling her husband that she can no longer stand being blamed for the murder of the child.
In the following weeks (could be months, the movie was that boring I was playing a game on my phone) the brats are invited back to the house, hearing that if they manage to endure a one minute phone call they will inherit a share of a small fortune, as instructed in old lady's will.
The film then descends into utter stupidity, predictable storyline, typical horror cliches, dreadful dul acting from the teens and 'reveal' that a toddler could have worked out.
It's awful. Not worth wasting an hour and a half of your life on.
No redeeming features except Shaye's always great acting.
Avoid.
The Witches (2020)
Very enjoyable. Ignore the outraged middle aged fans of the original.
It's pretty sad to see a bunch of adults getting so bent out of shape at a film aimed at children. I have seen so many comments on horror groups from outraged men and women who think 'true horror fans' will hate this movie. They need to grow up.
We know that the original was great, get over it. Kids will love this, they'll also love the original. Shut up and let people enjoy things.
Ok so onto the movie.
The story has moved to 1960s Alabama. Little Hero loses his parents in a car crash, and his Grandma comes to take him into her home. Not ashamed to say that the first 15 minutes really moved me, actually had a lump in my throat. Grandma singing "Reach Out, I'll Be There" to a clearly traumatised little boy is genuinely upsetting.
The story hasn't changed much. The Witches are holding their annual meeting at a posh hotel (where Hero and Grandma are hiding after they encounter a witch near their home) under the guise of a conference for a child protection group.
The action is very slapstick, the mice are very cute, the acting is great and the story is pretty heartwarming.
I was slightly put off by the fact that Anne Hathaway was playing the Grand High Witch because I've never been a fan, but she was great - although her accent jumps around quite a bit.
Octavia Spencer is one of my favourite actresses, so there was no question of me not watching this movie. She is excellent in it, just the right mixture of stern Grandma and loving Grandma.
The children are excellent too.
Your kids will love it, the whining adults who need to grow up and let people make up their own minds need to stop living in the past. This movie does not erase the original. If you don't like how it looks just don't watch it.
Not rocket science is it?
Hubie Halloween (2020)
Enjoyable, but.....
I'm not a huge fan of Adam Sandler, but I do like quite a few of his movies - Grown Ups for example.
This movie is a standard Sandler job, get together a few of his friends, behave in an over the top - almost cartoonish - way and entertain the audience. He does that here.
The story is ok, very predictable.
Hubie, a grown man who still lives with his Mother (her thrift store t-shirts are hilarious) and is the town joke. He's abused by young and old alike, bullied and ridiculed (The throwing things at him whilst he rides is bike is funny the first time, it gets old by the third, fourth and fifth...) on a daily basis.
He loves Halloween, and is the descendant of a woman killed in the Salam Witch Trials.
The story is pretty much secondary to Sandler's showboating. The cast comes together fine, they do the job and it's pretty funny to watch.
But....
Sandler's ridiculous habit of twisting his mouth and doing that ridiculous voice that he finds so hilarious is cringeworthy.
Kevin James' disillusionment that he is some kind of heartthrob is confusing. He seems to find himself way more attractive and entertaining than anyone else does, and pretty much plays the same character in everything he does.
Play Misty for Me (1971)
Took me years to actually watch this.
I'm embarrassed to say that even though I'm a Clint Eastwood fan I didn't watch this movie until yesterday. It was on a late night horror channel this week, and I recorded it for something to watch over the weekend.
Clint stars as a jazz DJ in a Californian town (Filmed in Carmel where he later became Mayor), he's a bit of a womaniser who seems to sail through life. He has a regular caller to his show who always has the same request, "Play Misty for me". When he later visits his local bar he spots a good looking lady, he plays a made up game with the barman to get her attention, and it works. As they talk he recognises her voice, she's Evelyn, the 'Play Misty' woman.
After a couple of no strings nights of sex Clint becomes less than thrilled at Evelyn's obvious obsession and tries to push Evelyn away. It's obvious that she has some kind of mental health issues.
What follows is Evelyn's slow descent into full blown psychopathic obsession. She becomes increasingly violent, she stalks him, insults and attacks any woman she sees close to him and basically tries to ruin him.
Add to the mix his ex girlfriend and a pretty good twist I didn't see coming and this is a great thriller.
It looks dated (it's almost 50 years old) the incessant jazz music is irritating as hell and it's a bit far fetched, but it's a really enjoyable film and definitely worth watching.
Antebellum (2020)
Ignore the bad reviews.
I started this expecting a horror movie. This is a different type of horror altogether.
It starts with a fantastic sweeping shot through a Southern plantation. We see slaves, Confederate soldiers and cotton fields. We see two slaves, a man and a woman, being restrained by soldiers. The man is taken down, the woman runs and is lassoed, dragged and shot.
It's clear within the first 20 minutes that our heroine - Eden/Veronica - is living on a brutal plantation. The depiction of outright cruelty and degradation isn't nice to watch, but being confronted with the truth about slavery isn't and shouldn't be comfortable. Talking is forbidden, escape attempts are punished with branding, beatings or death. The daily routine is harsh and the soldiers rape the slave women whenever they feel like it. Eden is raped regularly by a General known as 'Him'. She falls asleep after another rape.
When she awakes we see her in her upmarket apartment, with her husband and daughter. She is a successful writer. She flies off to a different city to give a talk to an eager audience.
Sound confusing? Well it is.
As time progresses we start to see clues, we see familiar faces from the plantation in the city. Then there's a slow realisation what has actually happened.
It's a good film, I much prefer this to Us or Get Out. But there's no denying that it bears more than a passing resemblance to The Village.
The acting is outstanding, especially from the always excellent Janelle Monáe.
Some of the middle part of the movie slows the pace and could probably have been dumped and it still would have made sense.
I'm a fan of Gabourey Sidibe, but her character in this movie is awful. She's rude and condescending to an admirer, overbearing in her desire for attention, obnoxious and under the impression that she is irresistible to all who lay eyes on her. The fact that she gropes the Uber driver and thinks it's hilarious when he flinches is awful, a man doing the same to a woman would quite rightly be accused of sexual harassment, but as it's a woman doing wit we are expected to find it funny. I didn't.
So don't believe the 1 and 2 star reviews, watch it for yourself and draw your own conclusions.
And the reviews stating the low ratings come from 'a certain section of society' or that you can't get the message unless your are 'marginalised' or a poc simply stand to inflame racial tension, not to help resolve it.
Grow tf up folks.
The Rental (2020)
First half soap opera, second half thriller.
Firstly I'll just say I liked this film, it was an entertaining way to spend a Sunday afternoon with a slight hangover. It's not particularly original (gang of people on a holiday weekend being stalked by a stranger) and it didn't offer anything new, but it's still an ok watch.
So, the soap opera bit, two couples - brothers with their wife and girlfriend - go off to a ludicrously posh weekend rental.
Creepyish manager had previously refused to rent to Mina (she's a Muslim woman) but then happily rented to Charlie, her brother in law and business partner, an hour later. And there we have the PC, 'let's be woke' element which, in reality, doesn't really go anywhere except for Mina huffing around for a while and disliking aforementioned creepy manager.
They unpack, Michelle (the only likeable character who I actually rooted for) has brought some 'Molly' which she gives to the others, she doesn't take any because she wants to hike to a waterfall the next day. Best of luck with that Michelle.
Michelle goes to bed, the other three stay up, get high and drunk. Josh, Mina's boyfriend and Charlie's brother passes out. Mina and Charlie jump in the hot tun, things get a bit heated and you can guess the rest. They end up having sex in the shower whilst their other - better - halves sleep.
Next day Mina and Charlie claim hangovers and stay in the huge house whilst Michelle and Josh go off on the hike. During the day Mina discovers a camera in the shower head, throwing her and Charlie into shock in case Michelle and Josh find out.
On the hike Josh gives Michelle a few home truths about Charlie, which upsets her and she is cold to him when they return to the house.
This is the point where the movie actually starts to move, because up until now it's been nothing more than a soap opera at best.
Charlie and Mina now set about finding and disposing of the evidence. Michelle - upset, high and drunk - rings creepy manager to fix hot tub, and the whole thriller starts.
Accusations, a fight, a body (the cliff scene is ridiculous), road spikes, a missing dog, remote controlled showers, and a few more ludicrous elements all come into play. It's pretty effective, the stalking and violence are well done.
Like I said, the only person I gave a damn about was Michelle. The characters are pretty awful people, shallow and predictable. It's an ok way to spend a couple of hours, just don't expect too much. Slightly overhyped online.
Host (2020)
Very pleasantly surprised.
I'd seen recommendations for this movie (does 56 minutes qualify it as a movie?) in a couple of online horror groups, it was pretty much unanimously liked by all who had seen it.
It's a pretty simple premise - 6 friends in Covid19 lockdown having a Zoom chat (think Unfriended), something which a great many of us did. Difference is they've hired a psychic to conduct a seance with them. They giggle about how it's not real, mock the paranormal, then admit the psychic to the chat.
From there on in it's a pretty creepy movie, quite a few jump scares, some very irritating actors (the one male friend and the girl named Jemma are just awful) and quite a few 'nods' to Paranormal Activity, The Blair Witch Project and REC (look for the camera in the loft scene and you'll see what I mean), as whatever has been invited in via Jemma's stupidity begins to seek out the participants one by one.
It starts with little scares then builds to some pretty good jump scares.
It's not big budget, it's not the best horror movie ever, it's not even top 100, but it's pretty good considering that it was filmed whilst the actors were actually locked down.
Considering I was expecting another predictable horror I was genuinely surprised at how good it is.
In Their Skin (2012)
The Strangers: Prey At Night meets Funny Games.
I hadn't heard of this movie until I was scrolling through an online site, so I thought I'd kill a bit of lockdown time and watch it.
Starts with a scene on a bridge, a guy in his underwear struggling to get away from someone. He falls and is killed by an unknown assailant.
Cut to the Hughes family travelling to their vacation cottage, clearly struggling after the death of their young daughter. Quick stop at a gas station and the attendant tells them they're early, the usual families aren't due for a couple of weeks but one or two have arrived.
Early next morning Mark Hughes hears a noise and goes outside to find a family outside his house, they explain they are leaving him some firewood. Mark is initially rude to them, but softens and caves in to their suggestion they call back later for a meal.
What then ensues is pretty predictable, the pushy Father, the timid - mentally challenged even - wife and the creepy son, try to find out about the loves of the Hughes. As the evening progresses tempers become frayed and the Hughes ask their guests to leave. Following that we're talking a straight home invasion movie.
There is quite a bit of brutality, a pretty gross forced sex scene (because everyone is watching) and a couple of revelations.
It's very predictable, and you kind of wonder why the Hughes would even invite these awful people into their home.
The Hughes' son is a drippy, teddy bear clutching nine year old who clearly has issues, whilst rhe son of the other family is quite possibly the oddest, creepiest bad actor ever.
I enjoyed it, probably wouldn't hurry to watch it again but it's a good movie. Selma Blair and James D'Arcy outact everyone else on the screen.
Judy (2014)
Why?
Why would anybody take the worst character (played by an dreadful 'actress') from Sleepaway Camp and make a movie with her as the star?
Her acting hasn't improved since the 80s, she seems to think gurning, poking her chin out and opening her eyes wide passes for acting.
Watch out Meryl Streep.
Truly awful.
Sleepaway Camp (1983)
Greatest twist ending ever.
I genuinely don't know many horror fans who don't love this movie, it's one of the best teen Summer Camp movies ever, certainly up there with Friday the 13th.
Angela goes to live with her Aunt and cousin after her brother and her Dad (who has a little secret) are killed in a boating accident. This leaves Angela with a fear of water. Her Aunt is quite possibly one of the battiest and most ridiculous characters I've ever seen, to the point of being irritating to watch - and yet she's only the second most irritating character in the movie.
A few years later we see Angela and her cousin Ricky being waved off to summer camp by the loony Aunt. When they arrive Ricky is well known to many but Angela isn't and she becomes a bit of a loner.
Now the most irritating character comes into play, Judy. Judy is an old girlfriend of Ricky, a revolting spoilt brat who bullies Angela. She's truly awful, her head looks way too big for her body, she can't act and she gurns her way through the movie, her jaw juts out, she rolls her eyes and flicks her hair, apparently that passes for acting. You actually pray that the killer finishes her off.
Pretty soon the little camp mates start dying. There are some pretty good kills, one in particular made my eyes water (you'll know when it happens) and when suspicion starts to fall on the wrong people we realise things aren't quite as they seem.
The ending scene is legendary in the horror movie world, you're not expecting anything like it, I was stunned.
So watch it and enjoy it. I wish I could watch it for the first time again, the ending is just brilliant.
Scarecrows (2017)
Not as bad as I anticipated.
This is just a typical low budget slasher, but it's not as bad as you'd think.
Ok so the main four characters - four horny college kids on a road trip - are a pretty unlikeable bunch, you honestly don't care what happens to them. But they're not bad actors and they carry the movie along pretty well.
The movie doesn't actually pick up until halfway through, the first half is just teens skinny dipping, having sex and cheating on one another, then getting lost in a cornfield owned by a psycho farmhand - it's pretty boring (except for a rogue dismembered thumb and a body stashed in a scarecrow).
Second half is standard run and hide from the psycho. It's predictable, not particularly scary or suspenseful and it seems to have 'borrowed' a few ideas from other more successful horror movies.
But I didn't hate it.
It's not the worst way to spend 90 minutes.