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Hammygoodness
Reviews
Afganistan - The last war bus (L'ultimo bus di guerra) (1989)
Not even good for a bad movie
I watch a lot of bad movies to make fun of them. Blame Mystery Science Theater 3000, and its biggest fan, my friend Ethan. Though this had still been a pastime of mine before I ever met Ethan.
So yeah, I've seen my share of bad movies. They can be a lot of fun to watch. A lot of bad movies are so bad (I'd never call them "so bad they're good"), they're enjoyable, especially with the right crowd. War Bus Commando, however, is not one of them.
This movie was bad. And it was slow. They need to use a rundown old bus, modified to make it a "WAR BUS!", to escape hostile territory. Fixing a bus will never be exciting film. It was just agony to sit through this horrid movie. It wasn't even funny in its badness. It was just wrong. The funniest part of all of this was to learn that this was actually War Bus 2. Someone had made a movie about a War Bus before and thought it a worthy concept for a sequel. Thank God an alternate title was Afghanistan- The LAST War Bus.
Full Contact (1993)
Great cover
Okay, so I've never actually seen Full Contact, but I've been so close to renting it on many occasions. And all because of the cover of this video. Come on, look at that package! This is the most blatant depiction of male camel toe that I've yet seen on a movie cover. I will certainly see this eventually.
Above and beyond the tight, tight shorts are the facial expressions and bad techniques evident. Right on the cover! They actually are using these images to PROMOTE the film. The marketing for this movie is incredible.
Of course, this movie was made during the mad rush of Americanizing martial arts films. The late 80's and early 90's were the worst time period for these cookie cutter movies. So I imagine the actual film itself is much the same as all the rest: bad. But I give the cover an A+ for sheer gall in displaying genitalia so prominently.
Gymkata (1985)
Arguably one of the worst movies containing a martial arts gymnast
This movie was God-awful, from conception to execution. The US needs to set up a "Star Wars" site in this remote country? This is their premise? The way to gain access, the US concludes, is to win an obstacle course like cross-country race, where the winner can ask anything of the leader. And who better to win this race known as the "Game" than a gymnast? Of course! A gymnast would be the perfect choice for this mission. And don't forget that his father was an operative. Lucky for our hero, there happen to be gymnastic equipment in fortunate spots, like the stone pommel horse in the middle of a square (for no reason) amidst crazy town. Perfect.
But above and beyond the horrible, HORIBBLE premise, is the awkward fumblings of the romantic scenes, the obviously highly depressed ninjas whose only job seems to be holding a flag to point out the race path, and the worst climax ever. After winning the race, our hero puts forth the wishes of the US government. And lo and behold, all the effort was worth it, because the US gets its "Star Wars" site! Huzzah! THIS IS YOUR TRIUMPHANT ENDING?! Wow.
But still, being such a bad movie, it can be great fun to watch. The cover alone, depicting ninjas with machine guns, was enough to get me to rent this film.
But if I were ever to meet Kurt Thomas (the gymnast-star) in real life, I would probably kick him in the face after a double somersault with 2 1/2 twists in the layout position.
Napoleon Dynamite (2004)
Deadpan delivery with lots of comedic timing
ND is an odd movie if ever there was one. Many have called the acting bad, but I found the quirky characters to be quite realistic... in a fictional kind of way. I'm not really sure how to explain it. The plot is... who cares. There's not a whole lot of attention paid to the plot in this film, and for good reason. This is straight up a comedic film, and as such its purpose is to make you laugh. Now, people have different senses of humor, so for some it will be hilarious, while others will be left scratching their heads.
I suppose the best litmus test for whether you'll like this film is if you like deadpan delivery, and if you can appreciate timing. A lot of this movie is slow. VERY slow. But that only seems to add to the awkwardness of the characters giving the dialogue, thus making them more realistic, and to me, endearing. But for those of you out there who need flashing lights, explosions and sweet electric guitars wailing, I think this film will go over your head. The non-sequiturs and one-liners are perfect for the characters, but if you can't appreciate the characters themselves, you'll hate this movie.
I think all the talk about relating this movie to your own childhood, or how it's a movie for the Gen X'ers might have SOME merit, but let's not overdo it. Comedy is 90% good characters in my opinion (think Seinfeld) and this film has some of the best I've seen in a LONG time.