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Reviews
There Will Be Blood (2007)
Horrifying, hilarious, brutal and beautiful- a masterpiece.
There Will Be Blood is an absurdist black comedy from Hell. It's a deranged, unhinged masterpiece the likes of which we've never, ever witnessed before. Forget all the Kubrick comparisons- the only thing Kubrickian is the score, and even that is only because of the obvious Penderecki comparisons. Kubrick never got this close, this dirty. Paul Thomas Anderson does not separate himself from these characters; he became these characters in writing it, namely Daniel Plainview, portrayed by Daniel Day-Lewis in what has very quickly become my favorite screen performance of all time. This is Robert De Niro in Raging Bull quality we're talking about, and personally, I think he one ups De Niro with this film. I know, I know, heresy...but that's how much I responded to his performance. It seems that Anderson somehow found a "brother...from another mother.." in DDL, judging by recent appearances where they all but cuddle in front of the interviewer, and together they have crafted one of the most indelible screen characters of recent years. Daniel Plainview is a monster, no buts about it, but he's a recognizable monster. He's not some abstraction. In Plainview, we can see ourselves, and it frightens us, and that's part of this films brilliance. Plainview acts out upon feelings that we don't even like to admit that we are capable of. He's malicious and deviant, and yet charming and likable. It's scary stuff, and DDL's performance will be studied for years to come for the sheer dedication he gives to the characterization. Forgive me if my thoughts seem rambling, I've seen the film three times now and I'm still trying to process it. It's such an experience. I can't even begin to go on about Paul Dano as the equally despicable Eli Sunday. I'd love to talk about the scenes that play out like high comedy ran through oil and grit. There's a baptism scene that could have come out of a brilliant comedy, and many scenes go into bizarre, unexpected territory that you wouldn't see coming in a million years (an uncomfortably funny encounter in a restaurant comes to mind) The film is at moments heart-wrenching, horrifying, hilarious, brutal, poetic, over the top and brilliantly mad. PTA isn't afraid to let the audience decide how to feel; he's not going to hold your hand, and I think that's the problem a lot of people have with the ending. It's definitely the litmus test for the film- if you dislike the ending, then you obviously haven't been paying attention to the character of Daniel Plainview. If you enjoy the ending, then clearly you've followed the entire ride. My advice to people that hate the ending is the same thing I'd say to the people who hate No Country for Old Men's ending- watch it again, think about the ending throughout the entire film. It's the ONLY way the film can end. I think Roger Ebert put it best in his review "Only madness can supply a termination for this story." So, with that, I end my random, barely coherent thoughts on the one true masterpiece of 2007, and really of the last decade. It's already in my top 5 EVER, and you should take my word seriously...because I'm a genius. This is most DEFINITELY not a film for everyone- most I've talked to have either loved it or despised it with a fiery passion equally, and it's most certainly a one of a kind experience, but if you are willing, then you most certainly won't be disappointed. I'm finished.
Masters of Horror: Pro-Life (2006)
Completely awful in every way...
Wow. The only people reviewing this positively are the Carpenter apologists. I know a lot of those. The guys that'll watch John Carpenter squat on celluloid and pinch out a movie and proclaim it a masterwork of horror. This "movie" is utter crap. It looks and sounds like a porno (good lord, the soundtrack is awful...), and has sub-par porn acting, which is shocking, because normally Ron Perlman is really a very good actor. I honestly have no idea what Carpenter was thinking when making this. Most likely "Beans, beans, beans.." until somebody fed him and rolled him up into a blanket for the day... They say nothing about the abortion debate whatsoever, when they could have had a very interesting central theme (how do religious zealot anti-abortionists feel when it's the devil's baby?) but instead they chose to have Ron Perlman and his terribly acted kids kill a bunch of people and have the horribly cast doctors try to calm the hysterically bad pregnant girl. Not a single person from this episode or what have you should come away unscathed. It's just awful. Like, Plan 9 From Outerspace awful. Like, good god please would somebody turn it off before I soil myself awful. Try watching this and The Thing in the same day and your mind will implode.
The Zodiac (2005)
Pretty bad...
This movie is your standard awful straight to video film that tries to look like it cost a lot more money than it actually did. Every character is from the stockroom- the obsessed cop, the kid who's smarter than the adults, the worried wife, the angry police chief...blah, blah, blah. There's no depth to the main characters descent into madness or whatever is wrong with him. He just starts drinking and swatting furniture. Wow, deep. How they suckered Phillip Baker Hall into this is beyond me, but they got him. Poor guy. Where's Paul Thomas Anderson when you need him, huh? If you absolutely MUST see a Zodiac film and cannot wait for this Friday to see David Fincher's (hopefully better) film, then go ahead and rent this as long as you can use someone else's cash.
Oh, and something that has been really, really bothering me about a few other reviews on this site- THE ZODIAC KILLER WAS NEVER CAUGHT. Christ, the movie spells it out for you at the end. I'm not going to be totally lame and quote the whole "I'm waiting for a good movie about me" or whatever, but....he's still waiting...
The Marine (2006)
For Sheer Awful Movie-10 Stars....For Actual Film-making- 0 stars
Whether or not this movie appeals to you is how you approach it. If you approach it wanting a well made, well plotted film that adheres to common sense and common scripting, you'll be sorely disappointed. The movie is so poorly written that you're never really even sure where it's even supposed to be set. The acting is atrocious from everyone involved, the attempts at "comedy" (rock candy? What?!?) are lame at best, and the action scenes are edited with a blindfold on. However, if you approach this as you would approach, say, Plan 9 From Outer Space, or any 80's era Chuck Norris or Steven Seagal film, you will have a hell of a time. Watch it with a group of friends and take a drink every time there's an unneeded slow motion shot, or every time something explodes (we counted 32 explosions...but we might have missed double explosions...), or every time you can actually SEE John Cena thinking about his lines. The film has no internal logic, follows every horrible action cliché imaginable, contains completely nonsensical throwaway humor (the aforementioned rock candy jokes..), and even a horribly lame reference to The Terminator. This all essentially means that it's some of the most fun you'll have watching an action film. A must rent for people that can appreciate ineptitude when they see it.
The Wicker Man (2006)
the most unintentionally comedic film ever made....
This movie is a laugh riot! You'll be rolling in the aisles with all your buddies as Nicolas Cage attempts to ride a bicycle! Or when Leelee Sobieski tries to act! Or when the film totally jumps the railings in the final few scenes! I saw this movie with a few friends in an almost completely empty theatre and we were giggling from the first reel to the last. Full of misogyny, lines that are completely unintentional howlers, every horror movie cliché you can imagine, and a performance by Ellen Burstyn so awful that you'll wonder how she was ever nominated for an Oscar, let alone allowed to be in films. When the ending of your movie has your character punching out a giant fat woman, stealing her bear costume from her, and prancing along to save a little girl from a bunch of other people dressed up in animal costumes, you know you've got a stinker. Not only that, but it's from everyones favorite woman hater, Neil Labute. Hey, Neil, still scared of girls? That's too bad, maybe some day you will no longer fear the cooties. The original Wicker Man was an absolute laugh riot as well (the art school crowd will tell you it's really, really DEEP, but don't listen to them), but at least it sort of knew it was bad...I think. So, I guess I can recommend this film as an evening of laughs, but don't go in expecting anything scary.
Beyond the Wall of Sleep (2006)
quite possibly, the worst film i've ever seen...
so, I've sat through all of ed wood's films, and i'm still convinced this is the worst film I've ever seen, but also the most hilarious. the acting is sub-sub-sub-community theatre/high school acting class on a bad day style, and the directing appears as if the directors (it took two people to be this awful!) just got a bunch of new equipment and computer programs they wanted to screw around with. if you want a good laugh, and some great new catchphrases, and don't mind having no idea what a film is about and sitting through crappy scene upon crappy scene, then check this movie out. as horrible as it is, i almost recommend watching it to be flabbergasted by how awful the three main performances are. check out the wig on edward! i certainly hope tom savini was at least supplied with a delicious lunch for appearing in this trash.
Undead (2003)
Um...yeah...
So, I read on the cover that this was the most original zombie film in a long time. I probably should have checked closer, because it was stated by Harry Knowles, who is prone to such blanket statements of hyperbole. Sometimes I wonder if he even watches the films that he gets all worked up about, or if somebody just passes him an envelope with money and the name of their movie on it. Anyways, this movie would have been original if not for the films of Romero, the Evil Dead series, Brain Dead, Return of the Living Dead, Zombi, every zombie film ever made. This movie repeatedly pilfers from each and every one of them, primarily Evil Dead 2. Now, this will be explained away as "homage", which is a sorry attempt to rationalize unoriginal thinking. Come on, Quentin Tarantino tried it with Kill Bill, and people didn't buy it. In fact, I bet Tarantino LOVES this film. Everything about this film screams rip off. The zombies even yell "Join us" towards the beginning of the film, and there are several camera angles taken from Evil Dead 2, and the zombies even move and look like the Deadites. There's also an anti-hero with an unlimited supply of guns. Hm, sound familiar? OK, I understand this film is not intended to be taken seriously, and it was an attempt at making an Evil Dead type film blending slap-sticky elements with horror,but even a parody should be well made (See Shaun of the Dead, please). This film smacks of cheap production values. The awful CGI(just because it could be done in CGI, doesn't mean it should be), acting, cinematography, directing, screen writing(yes, saying the f word is fun!), and soundtrack (so, is this a light hearted comedy from the mid 50's?) all work together to make a really unimpressive experience. I understand the low budget, but if you're creative enough, you can make it work even within the confines of a limited money supply (again, see Shaun of the Dead, or this films inspiration, Evil Dead 2). This film isn't totally hopeless. The gore effects, a staple of the zombie genre, are done well, and the whole twist at the end is unexpected, but otherwise, you're better off seeing the better films that this one stole from.