Reviews

First off I would would like to extend special thanks to the theater I saw this at for accepting my free pass. Saving me the $10.00 I would have otherwise spent on this piece of crap is the greatest gift anyone could have given me this Christmas.

Actually I can't say I was disappointed by it because I thought it looked terrible and it was. Though I would like to state for the record that despite the fact that I am a huge fan of the 1974 version I went into this film with an open mind hoping that it would justify itself to me by holding it's own with the original. Well, it failed. It failed miserably.

The plot is so unbelievably stupid that I don't even know where to begin. A bunch of sorority girls are holed up in a beautiful mansion sized house for the holidays. Of course the house has a history and was once the scene of a horrific murder or two. Back in 1970 a boy by the name of Billy lived there. His alcoholic mother hated him because he looked so much like his father (who was actually a nice guy). The mother finds herself a new man and has to off the father. Little Billy sees this so the mother locks him up in the attic and subjects him to a life of abuse. Don't fall asleep, there is more to this story. Flash forward to 1982 and we see the mother enjoying life with her new man. Well being that the new guy is a drunk too he can never seem to finish the deed when they are having sex. What's a girl to do? Solution! Go up to the attic and rape your son. She then becomes pregnant with her son's child. Nine months later she gives birth to a girl named Agnes. Flash forward to 1991. She adores little Agnes (oh and by the way this may be the grossest family unit I ever seen on screen. They make the Sawyer family from the original 'Texas Chainsaw Massacre' look pretty sexy) and Billy is just not having it. He finally goes on a murderous rampage and kills his entire family.

Or does he? Flash forward to 2006 and here we are back at the house with the girls. With the exception of Lacey Chabert (who I also thought stole the show in 'Mean Girls') these actresses couldn't act worth a damn. Paris Hilton suddenly looks like Dame Judi Dench compared to some of these broads. Chabert only has about four lines but two of them are the best in the entire movie. The girls are all given their own beaten to death stereotypical personality. That includes a spoiled rich girl, an uptight Christian, the drunk, the slut, the innocent one and Michelle Trachtenberg (I have never really understood where Trachtenberg fits in anything I've seen her in.) Andrea Martin (who you may remember from the original 'Black Christmas') returns only this time she is playing the part of the den mother. It was nice to see her again but I'm sad to say that was way too over the top in this film. But she's not the only one! Wait until you get a load of the chick who plays Billy's mother.

Getting back to the storyline......

Billy escapes from a mental institution and is on his way back home to do what he does best. The girls receive threatening phone calls but are unable to leave the premises due to a really bad snowstorm. People start getting bumped off one by one. Now this movie has a few pathetic twists and turns so even though Billy is set up as the lead killer it becomes quite clear that he is not the only one responsible for the carnage. This leads to an annoying parade of suspects who just show up inexplicably out of nowhere.

This movie should have been called 'The Dummies Guide To Clichés' since it uses EVERY SINGLE ONE KNOW TO MAN. Wait, I take that back! It did not contain a cat popping out scene and that is probably it's most creative surprise. There are no good scares and I sat very still in my chair during all of the scenes that were intended to make the audience jump. Not good.

This film does not follow the same path of the original by crafting a suspenseful and creepy tale. Instead it chooses to go down the gore route. So how does the gore fair? Not very impressive in the first hour (the camera cuts away too soon during the kills and/or we just get the same old tired ass shot of blood spraying against the wall. YAWN.) However it does get much better in the last half hour. There is one actual 'DAYUM!!!!' death scene and some very cool yet not very Martha Stewart like Christmas decorations.

The only other nice thing I can say about 'Black Christmas(2006)' is that the filmmakers gorgeous use of colors and lighting translate into some big screen eye candy. On the other side of the coin, it works against the film too. It almost looks as though they were trying to make a Tim Burton version of a slasher movie. And unlike chocolate and peanut butter that is not a combination that goes well together.

So what can else can I say? This film is a mess from start to finish. My advice would be to avoid it. Avoid it like you avoided that Carmen Electra/Dave Navarro reality T.V. show

It really irks the s**t out of me when people refer to the original 'Rocky' as a "sports" movie. It's not. Boxing is used a a metaphor in that film . Basically what I'm saying is put yourself in Rocky's shoes, replace boxing with whatever your dream is (or was) and that's what the spirit of 'Rocky' is all about. It's the story of an underdog (I'm sorry to use that word because I know it's been beaten to death this week but honestly no other word fits) who overcomes all the obstacles facing him to have his moment in the sun. It's an endearing classic with a timeless and simple message. Don't ever give up.

'Rocky Balboa' starts off on the same note as the original did. Rocky has fallen back to square one. His boxing career is over and he now owns and manages a restaurant named after his beloved late wife, Adrian. That's right she dies and no spoiler warning is needed because it has been made public in every newspaper and magazine I've read in the past three months. Rocky is pretty lonely and his relationship with his son(Ventimiglia),who has chosen to go in the opposite direction of his father by climbing the corporate ladder, is not good.

One thing Rocky still has is his brother in law, Paulie, played by living god Burt Young. True story: Young is the only person I have ever been too intimidated by to go up to at a horror convention. He smiled at me and I smiled at him but I was just too damn nervous to approach him. Anyway getting back to the movie, Young rocks this movie. He gets the best lines in the film. Example: Stallone takes Young to the ice skating rink where he and Adrian shared their first date. The rink has since been torn down and the mangled pieces of it look depressing. Rocky starts to wax nostalgic about the connection he felt with her that night. Young, who can't take much more of Rocky's wallowing since her death snaps out with what I thought was the funniest line of the year.........

"Ice is stupid! People standing on ice are more stupid!"

In addition to his hilarious one liners, Young also shares some of the most moving and tear jerking moments of this film with Stallone.

Young clearly deserves a supporting Oscar nod for his role though I doubt he will get one do to the snottiness of the current Academy members.

Moving along, Rocky also develops a very sweet friendship with a bartender named "Little Marie" (played by Geraldine Hughes). What's great about this relationship is that is does not go the predictable root and develop into a romance. It's more of a father/daughter thing and it works beautifully.

Okay so one night ESPN pits Rocky against the current lightweight champion, Mason Dixon(Tarver), in a computerized/televised fight. The simulated fight sparks interest in the now has been Balboa. Dixon is looking for a challenge himself due to the fact that he seems to knock all of his competitors out in the first round. He has become bored a a tad bit lazy with the sport.

An exhibition match is arranged between these two. Not only does Rocky have to get his body back in shape but he has to deal with backlash he's going to receive from pretty much everyone about being "too old". The underdog story now transforms into a fight against ageism (and could it be anymore timely with America's increasingly alarming and disturbing obsession with youth?)

The night of the big fight comes and Stallone does some great work with photography and choreography here. Actually, I think this film contains some of the most satisfying fight sequences I've seen since 'Raging Bull'. The blows look gritty and real, no CGI, no bullshit. As for the ending, this is not an M. Night Shyamalan film. It does not take a rocket scientist to know that there are only two possible endings this film could have. Stallone chose the right one. Trust me you won't be disappointed. I wept like a bitch and if you are a fan of the series you probably will too. Speaking of Stallone, this is the best performance he's given in quite some time. He deserves an Oscar nod too but probably won't get one either for reasons I have already mentioned.

Before I end this review I would like to talk about the end credits. As the 'Rocky' theme music blares we are treated to the sight of Philadelphians of all ages running up the art museum stairs and doing their little Rocky dance. I found it cool as hell for these homages to be put in the film. I am from Philadelphia and my friend and I use to run up those stairs all the time back in the day. The best time to do it was at night. When we got to the top we would just sit down at stare at the city. Philadelphia is a gross and dirty city but it sure did look beautiful up there at night.

'Rocky Balboa' is by far my favorite film of the year.

Okay I was a "Johnny Come Lately" to this flick. I had heard the title before but I didn't know anything about the movie. Last year I bought it despite the fact that I had never seen it(not something I do often). When I came home I placed it in my DVD rack and kind of forgot about it. Why? I don't know. I guess I just got busy with life. So a couple of months ago, my friend wrote a review of it. Not only did he remind me that I owned it, he also made it sound pretty f**king cool. So one night I pulled it off the rack, dusted it off and popped it in the DVD player. Here was the result.......

I F**KING LOVED THIS MOVIE! This is the kind of 70's creepy that I would rank very highly up there with 'Burnt Offerings'.

While on a winter vacation/road trip with their wives stoic sexual beast, Peter Fonda, and lovable curmudgeon, Warren Oates, accidentally witness a girl being murdered by a satanic cult. Not good! To make matters worse, they are spotted by the cult and pursued through the rest of the film. They try to do the right thing and tell the police but when they go back to the crime scene all the evidence has been cleaned up and removed. Of course the police don't take the matter too seriously so the boys continue on their journey. Unfortunately for them they run into trouble no matter where they stop. There's a very eerie and effective Hitchcockian feel to these situations. They are never quite sure who to trust and neither is the audience. This movie just creeps you the f**k out! The satanists give these folks a nightmarish set of situations to survive. They included, animal mutilation/murder, excellent car chase sequences (and by the way, only Peter Fonda can make driving an RV look badass) and a Fonda/Oates throw down with a couple of snakes that will make any 'Mystery Science Theater 3000' fan shout out "I'M TIRED OF THESE MUTHA F**KIN' SNAKES ON THIS MUTHA F**KIN' RV!!!!". And then there is the ending. And what an unforgettable ending it is! I don't want to give too much away but remember that this film was made in a simpler time (1975) when you didn't need to sugar coat things for a huge opening weekend at the box office.

The hottie wives in this film are played by Loretta Swit and Lara Parker. They don't really have much to do in this film other than look good and scream. Although to Parker's credit I will say that she does elevate the creepiness factor of the film by emoting paranoia through her eyes in many scenes. She is clearly the most intuitive character in the film and she does a good job with what little the role has to offer.

Is this film without flaws? No. Quite frankly there are loop holes in this film that make about as much sense as Penélope Cruz trying to place an order at a Burger King drive through. For instance there is a scene where Swit and Parker decide that they are going to go to a library(in the middle of nowhere) and check out a book (though they have no membership card) on satanism ( I'm sure small red neck towns in 1975 were well stocked with books on the subject). But do I care about the lack of realism? F**K NO!!!!!! It's a 70's drive in movie. Check your brain at the ticket booth, sit back, relax and have a good time!

Film Review: The Wicker Man (2006) Directed By: Neil LaBute Starring: Nicolas Cage, Ellen Burstyn, Leelee Sobieski, Molly Parker and some chick with grotesquley big lips.

WARNING: THIS REVIEW CONTAINS SPOILERS....but does it really matter? Question: Are you the type of person who could enjoy a movie in which Nicolas Cage karate kicks a bunch of annoying feminists? I AM!!! I really enjoyed this film. Not because it was good mind you, but because it was so entertainly bad. This is the real deal, the very foundation that 'Mystery Science Theater 3000' was built on! One thing elevates this film from being an unwatchable piece of s**t to pure comedic gold and that one thing is Sir Nicolas Cage.

Let's talk about Cage for a moment. What can I say? The man is an enigma. Is he more than a little strange? Yes. Am I disturbed by the fact that he named his son Kal-el? Yes. Do I still find myself oddly attracted to him? YES. I think he's a brilliant actor who's capable of handling dark dramatic roles (8MM), eccentric comedic roles (Raising Arizona) and weird Christopher Walkeney type roles (Vampire's Kiss). He is now heading into Charlton Heston territory.

The plot of the The New 'Wicker Man' is as follows: A police officer (Cage) witnesses a freak car accident (really freak because it makes no goddamn sense and is never explained). It tramatizes him (I guess?) so he just lays around on his couch popping pills. One day he receives a letter (no stamp on it so don't ask me how it got there) from his ex fiancée (played by the fish lip lady) begging him to come help her find her daughter who has been missing for two weeks. She lives on a remote island that has no phone service so the information he gets in the letter is all he has to go on. Now his ex dumped him in a pretty harsh manner so why he chooses to go help that bitch is beyond me. Though one of his co-workers is of sound mind and tells him to not go...guess what? Cage then ends up on this "Fantasy Island" which is inhabited by a cult of hairy arm pitted, birkenstock sandal wearing, Indigo Girl listening, Lilith Fair rejects. Mere moments after his arrival he becomes instantly annoyed with these people. Wouldn't you? He meets up with the ex and she tells him that no one on the island believes that her daughter actually exists. Apparently, the cult is run by an "earth mother" type known as Sister Summersisle (played by Burstyn) who doesn't take too kindly to fish woman's "wild ways" (being as how fish woman once ran away from the place and became involved with Cage). Therefore fish lady thinks that Burstyn is hiding the kid. But as Cage starts to ask around he gets a variety of stories. He's told everything from "she's not really Fish Lady's kid" to "Fish Lady's kid did exist but she burned to death in an accident" and back to "Fish Lady's kid never existed in the first place". Okay, then Cage goes back to fish lady to vent his frustration over his failure to come up with any evidence. She then tells Cage that the girl is his daughter. Didn't see that one coming! (Please note the sarcasm.) We are then subjected to more cryptic scenes such as Cage being attacked by bees, a few dream within a dream pop out sequences, and a "what's behind that door?" chase sequence through Burstyn's house in which Cage stumbles upon a naked man covered in moles. At one point during the film, Cage looks at the Fish Lady and says "I'm completely lost.". I can't begin to tell you how f**king funny that line was to me. This movie does not make one lick of sense and it has plot holes wider than Jessica Simpson's "ravaged by the cast of Jackass" vagina. But like I wrote earlier, there is some comedy gold here. Cages sarcasm towards the islanders is hilarious! You just want him to punch one of these broads in the face and sure enough...HE DOES!!!! He also has a complete throw down with Leelee Sobieski (who's looking really hot in this flick!). As for the big sacrifice scene, be prepared to bust a gut! This is the only part of the movie that sticks to the original except here it's not scary. Prior to hoisting Cage up into the Wicker Man (where he will suffer his firey fate) the islanders break Cage's legs prompting him to yell out "MY LEGS!!! MY LEGS!!!! YOU BITCHES!!!!!".

But wait until the "six months later scene" which takes place in a bar. The last five seconds are the funniest I've HEARD all year! Will you like this sort of thing? That I don't know. I want to recommend it to those who love "good bad" movies. I'm not sure that you would want to spend the full ten dollars on it so maybe just do a matinée. But if you miss the matinée, please be sure to rent it when it hits DVD. It truly has to be seen to be believed.

Film Review: Snakes On Plane Starring Samuel L. Jackson and Julianna Margulies (Some of you will remember her as the actress who left the ENORMOUSLY successful T.V. show "ER" to pursue "other interests". Apparently "other interests" included a string of Lifetime movies and the film "Ghost Ship". Julianna, tell your agent I said to keep up whatever it is he's doing to help advance your career because it's really working.) Long story short, I was hoping this film would be campy fun but the fun seemed to be missing. The jokes fell flat for me in this one. I did become more engrossed in the film when the snakes arrived and it took a grim and suspenseful turn. The CGI is horrible (I've seen better special effects on a View Master) however they did manage to sneak in a few pop out scenes that made me jump. There are some very intense "Who's going to die next?" scenes and some of them are downright depressing. They include a sweet couple on their honeymoon that meet their untimely demise in a god awful manner, a little boy who survives a horrifying snake attack only to suffer in excruciating pain throughout the remainder of the film, and a baby in jeopardy. Though these scenes held my attention, I really wanted more laughs from this film. I wanted this to be a "great bad" film that would have made me bust a gut like "Manos: The Hands of Fate", "Blood Feast", "Plan 9 From Outer Space" and "Steel Magnolias". I guess you could say that I was disappointed because though "Snakes On A Plane" was bad, it should have been so much worse.

I just got back from seeing 'Superman Returns' in IMAX 3D and I was simply blown away by how good this film turned out to be. Granted it failed to top 'Superman 2' but then again part 2 is a tough act to follow. Those of you that will be going to see this for the 3D should be warned that only parts of the movie are in 3D, not the whole thing. There will be a green icon shown on the screen when it is time to put your glasses on and a red icon for when it is time to take them off. However this will not disrupt the viewing experience.

The previews where also in 3D however they were for a bunch of stupid, animated, kids movies so needless to say, I didn't give a damn about any of them. And on a side note...what is with the animation overkill? Will there be any adult films coming out in 2007? Just wondering.

On to the film.

Director, Bryan Singer, deserves major kudos for pulling this one off. Here is a man who really knows how to handle superhero movies. Let's face it, it's no easy task! He is more than capable of working out an equal balance of action and character development.

Speaking of characters, let's get to the casting. Brandon Routh is perfect in the role of Superman. Though he is still relatively new to the entertainment business, he comes off like an old pro demonstrating a wide range of emotions and natural charisma. I must say though that it is not only eerie how much he looks like Christopher Reeve but he sounds a lot like him too.

Kevin Spacey kicks ass plain and simple! I really prefer him in the Lex Luthor role over Gene Hackman. No offense to Mr. Hackman but he was a little more comedic in the role where as Spacey portrays Luthor as a demented psychopath.

Character actress, Parker Posey, gets the funniest lines in the movie and manages to steal a few scenes away from Spacey.

The biggest surprise for me was Kate Bosworth who I haven't actually liked in anything up until this. This time around, Lois Lane is a little more take charge and a little less damsel in distress. Bosworth pulls it off wonderfully! She also makes a very stunning brunette!

The special effects are straight up jaw dropping! And the 3D is truly the cherry on top of the sundae. I will go on record as saying that this is some of the best CGI I have ever seen in my life! None of the effects seemed cartoonish to me and that is amazing. One of the biggest crowd pleasing moments is a scene in which a bullet bounces off of Superman's eyeball.

The love story between Superman and Lois is well written and quite moving. There is a twist to their story but I won't give it away (though I did figure it out before I even saw the movie).

There are some moments which will require you to suspend disbelief. Like the fact that Lex Luther can just wander into Superman's ice crib at any given moment. Hey Superman, you may want to invest in some type of security system! But it's a comic book movie so how realistic do you really expect it to be? My only complaint is the running time. Ever since 'Titanic' came out it seems that every big budget blockbuster has to be 2 1/2 to 3 hours long. What the hell is up with that? Still, 'Superman Returns' is one hell of a good time so I am giving it.............

9 OUT OF 10

Oh, I almost forgot to mention, the opening credits are done old school style with the original John Williams music.

It doesn't get much cooler than that!!!!!!!!

Okay, I'm sorry to have to admit this but this movie wasn't actually that bad. Granted, it's about an 85% carbon copy of the original that didn't need to be remade in the first place but it was and now it's out there so I am just going to judge it for what it turned out to be.

Let's start with the good: The performances are great, especially Liev Schreiber. He is the glue that holds this film together. Julia Stiles gives a decent performance too and that kills me to say that because normally I don't care for her. Great supporting cast as well. Mia Farrow looks like she is having a lot of fun in the role of Mrs. Baylock and the very underrated David Thewlis steps into the role of the ill fated photographer. And then of course there is the brilliant Pete Postlethwaite as the priest who is facing a ticking time clock on the eternal damnation of his soul. The only casting choice that didn't work for me was Seamus Davey-Fitzpatrick in the iconic role of Damien Thorn. Is he cute? Sure. But Damien isn't suppose to be cute. He's suppose to be cold and emotionless. Any attempt that is made by Seamus to be scary merely comes off as being hilarious.

The cinematography is beautiful and the imagery is freaky as hell. Though the plot is predictable due to how straightforward this adaption follows the original, there are still scares a plenty. Some moments are incredibly disturbing so think twice before you take 5 year old Johnny to see this.

Speaking of disturbing, let's get to those death scenes.

I thought the beheading of the photographer in the first one was impressive but in this one it is just downright spectacular!!! It almost made me leap out of my seat and shout out such ghetto soaked phrases as "AW, SNAP!!!" and "NO THEY DIDDDDDDNNNNNN'TTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!" Mia Farrow's send off is priceless as well! Now, let's get to the bad: There is a loooooooonnnnnngggggggg slow spot in the middle. Try to hang in there though because the last half hour is worth the wait! Now, I know there are very few people on this Earth who are not aware of the contents of the book of revelations. The makers of "The Omen' remake do not share this confidence in the audience. They feel the need to explain it about 15 or 16 times during the course of the film. It kinda of makes you want to rip your hair out and scream "WE GET IT!!!!! BIG BEN, PARLIMENT!!!!! LET'S MOVE ON NOW!!!!! Okay, you get the chance to remake "The Omen". Here's a thought: WHY NOT SHOW THE SCENE WHERE THE JACKAL GIVES BIRTH TO DAMIEN?!!! You know everybody wants to see that!!!! That's how I would have done it! That's how I roll! But all in all, this is one of the better remakes I've seen recently.

Are movies fun to watch? Yes! Are they fun to make? Not really. Even Steven Spielberg himself has often referred to "Jaws" as his own personal Vietnam. Now we get an inside look on just how "not fun" it is in the hilarious mockumentary "Actress Apocalypse".

Filmmaker David B. Lincoln the 3rd sets out to make what he believes will be his magnum opus, an epic slasher film called "Clearwater Canyon". And what is this movie about? Get ready..........a big, gay, mulleted Indian who likes to murder women. Where is it being filmed? In a shed. Lincoln has so much confidence in his project that he hires a film crew to document the experience.

An actress shows up to read for a role. She is then exposed to the script which, needless to say, contains some of the worst dialogue ever written. This sets her off on a rant in which she insults the filmmaker and his would be film.

Enter the director's psychedelic nut case of a brother, Vance Lincoln, whom he puts in charge of the auditions. These two are as different as day and night. David wants to realize a vision and Vance just wants to get laid. Vance refers to the actresses as hookers and questions his brother's film-making methods. This leads to one of the funniest moments in the film in which Vance proclaims "He doesn't even make these girls suck his c**k! You call that professionalism?"

After a procession of bitchy actress, Vance starts to become unhinged right before our very eyes. He decides that he wants to take control of "Clearwater Canyon" and turn it into zombie movie. A gay zombie movie. This in turn causes even more tension between the two brothers. More bickering ensues and then the inevitable happens. Vance kills one of the actresses and slasher turns to snuff. David however is determined to get his film made so a dead actress is merely a temporary set back. He continues to leave Vance in charge of the auditions and the bodies continue to pile up.

Actress Apocalypse is one of the funniest off the wall comedies that I have seen in awhile! It takes the world of independent film-making and turns it on it's pretentious, overblown head. The performances are great too! Greg G. Freeman is a star in the making. An actor of immense charisma and talent whose convincing performance as the murderous brother will leave you hoping for some sort of continuation of the character. Jay Ingle also provides many laughs as a camera man whose flamboyant wardrobe would cause Elton John to do a double take. And last but not least, David Nigoghossian's dead on performance as the dim witted yet egotistical director.

I should warn you that there is a large amount of nudity in this film so if nudity is something that offends you then ummmm.........good luck with that.

Speaking of nudity I was very impressed with the caliber of women that the filmmakers found for this. Usually, when a film is this low budget, you tend to end up with broads covered in bruises and track marks. The girls of "Actress Apocalypse" are all very healthy and drop dead gorgeous.

Being that this is such a low budget film, the audio isn't exactly THX quality but if you are a Herschell Gordon Lewis fan like myself, that shouldn't bother you too much.

So be sure to check out "Actress Apocalypse". I don't think I'll ever look at backyard film-making in quite the same way!