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1/10
Unbelievably Stupid - both Fans and Movie
19 August 2006
I don't know what I have more contempt for: this movie or the people who lionize it. It's by far one of the worst movies of all time. Not because it's acting is bad, the music ques obvious, the story completely ludicrous; but because none of this was intentional. I read how people think Dante's a genius for his camp and retro references and lame excuses like it's meant to be bad.

But unlike post modernist gems, like the demo film in "Dodge Ball" or Austin Powers, this film takes itself entirely seriously. There's no wink, wink, nudge, nudge saying that it's meant to be that way. If you don't believe me, listen to Dante in the interviews. He really thinks his work is visionary when it's actually, recycled clichés not done well. Critics and fans have been seduced by decent music and great production design and cinematography. At the core is bad acting playing out a play school story.

At least the films he so much extols from the 70's and 80's, had a certain level of craft that DT clearly lacks. Spooky lighting, framing and production design cannot in of itself create genuine tension and suspense that the films from 70's had. Don't Look Now, Audrey Rose, The Thing all had wonderfully crafted plots, with good actors and were told in a way that made your insides churn and your bladder weak.

DT's sense of pace and plot are remedial at best. A hammer in the head is a nice way to whack someone but in of itself it's just like saying "boo" when someone comes around a corner. A little shock. But with no build up, it leaves you cold with no lasting experience.

All of SP's kills are staged like this. No build up. As Hitchcock said, it's not the surprise but everything leading up to it. And for God's sake, learn to stage violence or get a decent stunt coordinator and editor. 500,000.00 maybe peanuts to Hollywood but no reason to have kills that kids pretending to play WWF in their back yard can out do.

Further testament to a lousy story is that he cannot seem to cast good actors, in any of his films. Not like they have to be famous but they're loads of unknowns who can act circles around DT's hall of fame lineup. I believe he avoids them because skilled actors will expose his crap stories and his inability to direct them. Bad actors are like cattle - they're all too happy to be alive on a set. In fact, the key to low budget horror is casting good actors.

I believe his fans, like most gore heads are social misfits who can only find a sense of belonging by hailing tripe like SP. You know, the kid who thinks it's cool to like really bad movies. There's a reason none of films get theatrical.
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6/10
Too Damn Long Weeping Hobbits...
7 March 2004
Yes, it's battle scenes were second to none. But battles are not all the stuff of great epics. The fact that none of its actors were nominated says alot. I feel in time the recollections of this film will be revalued to nothing more than a good movie.

The edit of this film was criminally long. At 3 1/2 hours without intermission it felt like six. The ending upon ending was one weepy hobbit scene after another - emotionally redundant.

I feel that two phenomenoms in hype are at play. First , it was released at a time when most epic adventures are directed without the wit, sensitivity and storyline Jackson has. Two, after investing all day into a movie, if it's good you liable to say it's great, especially after recovering from severe butt cramp.

When the hype dies and people look at the film again, they'll see it for what it is. A good film with great battles and mediocre to in some cases below the line performances. Elijah Woods shades of torment read as the same response except at different volumes. While diffusion, a good sound mix save Liv Tyler from utter ridicule as she gives us her unequaled rendition of the gaumless pout.

It is her stoyline I find the most distracting. Her lack of craft amidst a well trained cast, cheapens the overall perfomances. Her attempts to looks deep are as vain attempt to show life behind her eyes as her Oscar Night spectacles. Thank God she wasn't in a scene with Cate Blanchett. The contrast would reveal the babe casting truth. Was this an appeal to Frat boys far and wide. Surely they could've found a comely brunette with chops.

In the end, the endless moaning and weeping of Hobbits, especially in the last reel, will be viewed for the sentimental drivel it really is.

Had they cut down on this along with Liv Tyler's distraction, the film could have been a tight 2 1/2 hours with far more resonance.

And on a philosophical note, are we too take the somewhat physically and sometimes mentally feeble Hobbits seriously as heroes. Their inumerable flaws often stretch the line of credibility. In this orc eat orc world of Middle Earth how they survived at all is a fantasy unto itself.

On the good side, for a third installment it didn't fall into the entertainment abyss of the Matrix.

In all 6 of 10 Egahd.
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