Change Your Image
thirstypony
Ratings
Most Recently Rated
Lists
An error has ocurred. Please try againReviews
Blade: Trinity (2004)
Drowned in it's own blood
What can I say? This movie is on the s**t list for good reasons. One, it is a film that never really established any clear direction and turned into a huge mess with no discernible plot. The only mildly interesting thing about this abomination is the nonstop violence and action sequences that really add up to nothing viewers would like to feast on later (vampire pun). This movie proves that vampires really do suck (which is a pun on vampires sucking blood). Wesley Snipes delivered a very expressionless and downright boring performance as the title character. And I was expecting better from him. The Drake/Dracula character looked more like a fashion model(with fangs) and died a silly, pathetic death for someone who is supposed to be the greatest vampire of them all. Shows how mighty he was after all. Any third film in a trilogy is supposed to end with audiences having some food for thought or an ending that nicely brings the trilogy to a satisfying close. This trilogy never got that fitting ending. It was like someone almost making it to the top of a mountain only to say "I'm tired. I think I'll turn back now". Like reaching the end of a rainbow and finding no pot of gold. Or if, at the very end of the Harry Potter series, Harry and Voldemort decided to call it a draw and become good friends. The only thing that I remember from this film: A bunch of hunters kill some vampires and their master and then go home. The end. A lot of people said the first two Blade movies were great but this 3rd film just wants me to forgot the whole series altogether. It drowned in its own blood with no one coming around to save it.
Howard the Duck (1986)
A 'great' achievement in the world of bad cinema
This movie was very fun to watch even though the ending was over the top and Howard the Duck himself looked incredibly fake (especially in broad daylight). It's a nice, cheesy popcorn flick of the late 1980s. Too bad it was a complete box-office failure and got heavily lambasted by critics. True, George Lucas was way over his head in making this film and should have stopped at the mention of "talking duck,comes from outer space".
I actually enjoyed this film right up until the big chase happens with Howard and Tim Robbins on the flying machine. Before that point, the movie seemed to be going along at a nice pace. We meet Howard, who is a kind, hard-working duck, just returning home from a tough day and about to relax. Then he gets pulled from his homeland to Earth and has to adapt to his new world. He meets a friend in Beverly but it soon starts turning into love and quickly snaps back to normal. We learn that a giant laser that malfunctioned is responsible for Howard's arrival. A Dr. Jennings is embodied by something known as the Dark Overlord and plans to call fellow aliens down from space. (BTW, Jeffrey Jones' voice of The Dark Overlord is classic and very well executed).
Back to the chase. That's when things got out of hand. Everything started to look unreal and weird. The final scene where the evil Jennings sets his plan to take over the world in motion was laughable. And when I finally saw the actual Dark Overlord I merely chuckled. It was so incredibly phony looking and not at all scary. The 'Howard the Duck' song at the end was the worst thing I have witnessed but it was a nice ending to a pointless movie anyway. This film had it many faults but I do say it had some charm and humor to it. It was a cute film that might have been good for children minus the controversial bed scene between Howard and Beverly.
Soul Plane (2004)
Don't watch this expecting any spectacular
To be honest, this movie was not as bad as the countless reviews have been saying, so I'll be nice and give this a 5. It was an entertaining film, mostly because of the infused hip-hop dance jams used, but for the humor of the movie? Eh
not so much. Very crude, nasty, derogatory jokes only go so far before you can't bear to hear or see anymore. One of the very first scenes where the guy gets stuck in the toilet and nasty bathroom related sound effects are used almost ended it for me there. The countless stereotypes (black, white, Asian, Hispanic, Muslim, homosexual) is the director thinking "Hey,if we mix all of these different styles of people together and poke fun at them we can get a funny movie!" The movie is about as funny as a picture of Joan Rivers in a bathing suit.This movie gives the black culture a bad name and even Snoop Dog couldn't save it. The special effects guy must have been asleep at the switch because they were plane (pun intended) awful. Monique was hilarious in this film acting like her usual "Oooh, you go girl!" self; everyone else just sucked. What's sad is that towards the end the film decided to get serious and incorporated a love story involving the father and daughter which seemed ridiculous in the context of this film. It's not a downright terrible movie. You could probably watch this with your friends and get a couple of laughs out of it. Just don't think of it as some sort of artistic painting of the black culture.
A Good Day to Die Hard (2013)
It is what it is, stop hating
Enough with the negative reviews! I thoroughly enjoyed this film. All the car chases, gun firing, glass shattering, big explosions, occasional expletives, etc, etc. add up to an entertaining film that you can walk away feeling happy you saw. It may not have been the best film of the 'Die Hard' series since the storyline could have been fleshed out a little more but who goes to see a 'Die Hard' film starring action-legend Bruce Willis expecting a long, drawn-out story that will get people yawning. You go to see the ACTION! To get fired up and hear loud noises everywhere. I liked that the story in this particular film was about John McClane trying to save his son from the Russian police and the bonding that happens between them during the film. They started off not really liking each other but by the end of the film they began to accept one another and act as a father/son team. It's your typical action-hero film with a little bit of,should I say, humanity thrown in.
The pros of this film:
- The special effects were superb
- Bruce Willis showing a humorous, laid back side
- The soundtrack. Had the right tempo for any circumstance.
- Guns, guns, guns! There was enough of them and kept the main cast on their toes.
Cons:
- Bad script writing and certain dialog (even Bruce Willis could have done better; he didn't really act like he was in character most of the time, sort of lost)
- Lack of information of key characters: The movie failed to really explain why John's son, Jack, was captured by the Russians and why John was so willing to rescue him at all costs (it says why on here, but the movie was vague about it). Also, the other bad guy,Komarov, that was running away never quite got any background info fleshed out (only hints of that he caused the Chernobyl accident).
- Not your typical 'Die Hard' movie. This one was a little softer and didn't nearly contain as much profanity as previous installments.
- Choppy, nonsensical scenes: some scenes were never explained or were confusing, cutting to the next scene without a lot of reason. Certain characters, such as Komorav's daughter, changed loyalties (hero/villain) without any reason to why they would do so.
- Factual errors: Going into a radioactive plant such as Chernobyl without any protective gear on could be fatal. That's why I didn't understand how John and Jack went in there unprotected and came out not sprouting a third arm or something. Also, they fell into the pool which could have had dangerous chemicals leaked into it (or maybe not).
Still a good, entertaining film. Just not worthy of anything notable.
Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)
An Instant Classic: The Best Way to Humor anyone...even your boss
I absolutely loved this movie! It's got everything in it a comedian would be looking for. There is never a dull moment in "The Holy Grail". Graham Chapman plays a superb role as King Arthur alongside other great actors who flowed with the energy and excellent humor of this memorable film. Even though it is a ridiculous, nonsensical film (the killer rabbit, the crazy starting credits, and the ending should throw a thumbs up for that), it has a unique style that always get you laughing.
Some of my favorite scenes in this movie (there are many) have to be the Bridge of Death scene (WHAT is your favorite color...WHAT is the capitol of Syria?), the killer rabbit, and the guards who have a hard time figuring out if they should leave the room or not (so we stay here and guard the prisoner...until you leave...and then we follow you. But wait, do we take him with us?). The comic geniuses behind this film deserve a lot of credit for putting in moments in the film that were not meant to be taken seriously or require much thought but just to make you sit back and think "Man, what are they going to do next? This is hilarious!". It's just a pure fun,entertaining comedy film that anyone of any age should enjoy. Too bad a lot of comedic films these days can't be like this one. Most have submitted to the layout standards of Hollywood films and some,incredibly ironic, don't know how to be funny or take themselves too seriously. Take a page out of Monty Python's play book. Any movie that features a gang of misfits embarking on a crazy journey that ends up nowhere(except in jail, I suppose) has got to be a real winner. Ni!
Town & Country (2001)
Biggest Waste of $90 million
This movie was BAD!! It had a totally incoherent plot that was doomed right from the get-go. The movie felt so choppy and badly edited (considering it was re-edited and rewrote many times). Characters went from one place to another without any reason. I mean, one minute Porter was in bed with a lady (he met just a few "movie minutes" ago)and then he was back home again. I couldn't understand what the hell was going on in the movie most of the time. The only saving grace that kept me from totally tuning this film out was when Jenna Elfman came on screen but her role was so miscast and she didn't fit in at all with the dumb story. This movie made little sense and was way too serious to be considered a comedy. There wasn't much at all funny about this. I probably laughed maybe twice, and they weren't even good laughs either. Town and Country spent 3 years gathering dust on the shelf before it was pulled down and finally finished, and the result was this fiasco. There was a great cast of actors and actresses who all had successful careers before this film; three of them won Oscars. Now after this film, some of these people are struggling to find work such as Warren Beatty who hasn't been in a film since this one. Others have been more lucky such as Diane Keaton and Elfman and the director managed to stay a float as he did some other films that weren't exactly home runs (Hannah Montana: The Movie), but fared far better than T & C.
The only thing I got out of this movie: A man cheats on his wife, pays the consequences, another man does the same thing, then comes out as gay, and a man comes in with a shotgun. Oh, and the polar bear scene that was rather strange and kind of funny. The movie's dumb, cheesy ending didn't give me any bit of hope that I would like to come back and give this film another shot to try to make some sense out of it. I kept on checking the time to see when this train wreck would end. It really did feel like the cast and crew had to find a way to end the nightmare so the ending it was.
I expected this movie to be a disaster based on what I read about it being one of the biggest box office flops in American film history and reading reviews. It exceeded my expectations.
Showgirls (1995)
You know a movie is a disaster when the only good award it gets is for the DVD packaging...
A momentous task in my life is done - I have watched Showgirls- and I have to say it was better than I expected but still not worthy of more than 3 stars.
Let's start off with the lead actress (Elizabeth Berkly). She is the worst I have seen. She had one facial expression, sucked at trying to be serious, and couldn't dance her way out of hell(lots of huffing and puffing). I didn't even think she was that good looking, she has a horse- face. She had no grace at all and looked ridiculous in her role. The lead character, Nomi , said she wasn't a whore but oh she really played the whore/slut card pretty darn well throughout the whole movie.
Every single character seemed to blend together and was lifeless. Really, there were no stand-out characters, they all were one-dimensional and had less expression than a plastic Barbie doll. There was nothing genuine about anyone, they were just trashy, self-centered, sex egotists, and didn't have the slightest emotional appeal. Throwing in that Andrew Carter guy was a very bad mistake as he served no purpose in the film and the background on him was non-existent. He was a big jerk to begin with and when he said "I like your ass", he turned out to be just a dirty- minded scumbag who thinks of women as nothing more than something to grab onto and enjoy. At least he got his ass kicked by Nomi.
Surprisingly, this movie proved to have some entertainment value, albeit in a different sort of way. Lots of sexy dancing and adult oriented behavior but other than that the movie seemed to drag on for more than its worth. The first time I saw the nudity and sexual scenes, I was like "Yeah, this movie isn't so bad" but then it started to be poured on and on, relentlessly, making it hard to watch. It's hard to appreciate the beauty of seeing some naked body parts on screen when you're almost seeing it the entire time. It should be treated as a reward for watching the film, that is built up to instead of making it look trashy and tasteless. Even for me it got to be kind of sickening to see all of those women walking around naked for a half hour.
The plot was just plain stupid. Nomi, a drifter supposedly from New York, comes to Las Vegas wanting to become a dancer and has to climb the ladder and fight the odds to become a top Vegas showgirl. For what? Is she that trashy and desperate for a living that she has to resort to selling her body? And it was played out in even worse fashion. The jokes and humor in this film were crude and just plain unfunny. Who came up with "she looks better than a ten inch dick and you know it"? That ugly hoe popping her boobs out again and again was supposed to be funny? Terrible script and actors/actresses alike who were about as exciting and thoughtful as a glass of water.
There were some highlights, if any, in this movie that seemed to hold up what was a essentially a piece of garbage film that I'll never see again. The dancing was sensational, and the Elvis-look- alike guy in the truck was cool...and...well...that's about it. The costume design was downright trashy and it seemed like every flashy dance scene had the women stripping off their clothes and being groped all over. Only a movie to see in your private time. This movie doesn't even deserve an NC-17 rating, if you even call this a "movie". It wouldn't even qualify as a good porn film. It was like a bunch of D-list actors thrown together who don't know where they are going or what to do. They just partied, danced and what not until it was over. There was no chemistry between any of the characters and the progression of getting to know any of them was lackluster.
There is so much more wrong with this film but that would probably take a while to write about so I'm just going to say this movie should not be on anyone's wish list. It is the movie that should be banned all across the world (and space if there are civilizations out there). Guard your sons, guard your daughters, this movie is the god of everything terrible and an example of bad-movie making to learn from. A trashy film that even landfills would be scared of. Why it spawned a sequel, I have no clue.
Spider-Man 3 (2007)
Had So Much Promise But Fell A Bit Short
OK, the movie wasn't that bad as people have been saying, except the overall plot was a mess. The whole problem was incorporating 3 villains into one movie. It was a near impossible task because each character needed an ample amount of screen time in order to get established and work together. If one was left off screen for too long then the whole point of them being in the movie started to fade.
The butler coming in and telling Harry that "Peter didn't kill your father, it was his own blade that killed him" was a bit out-of-nowhere and hasty (this previously unimportant butler character all of sudden found the answer to Harry's father's death and he's an expert in identifying wounds?). It's like the writers needed to find a way to change Harry's villain status so that it wouldn't complicate things in the end, which does make sense in a way.
So while the Sandman and Venom are attacking Spider-man, with MJ hostage, here's come Harry on his glider who helps fight off the two villains and is now loyal friends with Peter and then dies at the end. Peter cries over his dead body, which was kind of awkward and silly but maybe I'm being a little harsh, his "best friend" died. But didn't Harry try to steal MJ away from Peter and now Peter acts like it's no big deal? The whole friendship thing between the two was a little too late to be believable.
What I also didn't understand was how the Sandman asks Peter Parker/Spider-man to forgive him for killing Peter's uncle because he did it for money and his daughter. This comes only a few minutes after Sandman was trying to kill Spider- man and now all of a sudden he's come to heart with his feelings.Give me a break!
There were some cheesy moments in this film, especially the part where the "possessed" Peter struts and twirls down the street like in Saturday Night Fever, to no good avail (he looked like an idiot). And Harry and MJ dancing to the Twist in the kitchen while making breakfast was really unnecessary. At times, I thought this movie should have been called "The Notebook: Spider-Man Edition" with all of this love affair and musical stuff going on, taking away from most of the real action. And the singing in the Jazz Club, Peter playing the piano (rather good) and after about 10 minutes away from the action I was like "What happened to Spider- man?".It turned into sort of something out of "Cassanova" which quickly died and became rather stupid. With a little more thinking and a much sturdier plot this movie could have been so much better. I felt like it was all over the place and couldn't concentrate on one thing for very long like a kid with ADHD.
And can someone please explain to me where that black goo came from? Outerspace? And why was it so interested in Peter Parker? The whole hype about Peter Parker becoming this evil Spider-Man didn't quite live up to my expectations. Sure, the black suit demented his personality but shouldn't this movie in the trilogy have been placed second, so as to give the viewers a feeling of darkness falling over Spider-Man and everyone else? There could have so much more to play off from an evil Spider-Man who has to work his way back from the "dark side" (yep, Star Wars reference) and the last movie could have been of enlightenment and Spider-Man returning back as a hero. Of course, that's been done too many times before.