Reviews

Finally, at long last, we have a worthy sequel to the Jurassic Park series! 22 years have passed since the events of the first film. The island of dinosaurs has continued thriving in a newer, bigger, better park called Jurassic World. The park's geneticists have made breakthroughs including gene-splicing and hybrid engineering. They've recently created a new attraction, a cross-bred carnivore called the Indominus Rex. However, the park's owners have been experiencing problems with the new dinosaur and it's paddock. One thing leads to another, and before you know it, the I-Rex escapes wreaking havoc on the tasty wildlife and people. In the lead is Chris Pratt as former-Navy turned game warden. He's completely awesome and shows that real men still wear mustaches! Beside him for most of the film is Clare (Bryce Dallas Howard) picking up the reigns from where John Hammond left off. Clare's two nephews Gray (Ty Simpkins) and Zach (Nick Robinson) also happen to be in the park when the rampage begins. The series has always had good solid acting, even if the characters in 2 and 3 were (annoying, paper thin, crunchable, etc.) This time around, the filmmakers wisely avoided having any of those types.So now, everyone's on a race to stop the I-Rex, save the visitors, and rescue Jurassic World from permanent foreclosure! As I already stated, this is a worthy sequel. From the writing to the cinematography to the music and characterizations, everything works beautifully. You'll be at turns thrilled, chilled, saddened, and have your heart warmed again! Welcome back to the park!!!

Eli Roth is at it again! When the man sets out to make a horror flick, he seems to have one thing in mind: to make the bloodiest, most disturbing films possible. Sometimes, they turn out brilliantly (like HOSTEL) and sometimes they suck (AFTERSHOCK). THE GREEN INFERNO is definitely on the better end of his spectrum. Created as a throwback to the old Italian cannibal movies of the late 70s and early 80s, Roth goes about telling yet another grisly tale. In this one, young student activists decide to take action when they learn that a logging company plans to decimate the rain forest and thereby destroy an ancient Peruvian tribe. Upon arriving at the site, they succeed at getting global coverage. As they are being airlifted out, their plane crashes in the middle of the jungle. The survivors are about to find out that being stranded is the least of their worries. Before you can say "Cannibal Holocaust", they run afoul of some friendly natives with an unhealthy appetite. And don't even get me started with their interests in the women. Overall, it's a decent chiller. There are several moments where you're guaranteed to cringe. The ending seems a little rushed, too conventional, and confusing. But apart from that, I'd recommend this to my fellow goremongers!

Having recently gone through a slew of paranormal movies (including THE RING, SINISTER, UNFRIENDED, ALWAYS WATCHING, and THE CONJURING) I heard about this film. So I shrugged and gave it a shot. Story-wise, it's pretty good. Not entirely original, but still eerie. The problem with OUT OF THE DARK is... just read on. THE STORY: An American couple, Sarah & Paul, (played by the wonderful Julia Stiles and a bland Scott Speedman) along with Hannah (Pixie Davies) their British-accented daughter(?) travel to Colombia. Once there, Sarah takes a job at her father's paper mill. As strangers in a foreign land, they soon learn of the odd customs that their neighbors have. And along the way, they learn about the shocking history surrounding the disappearance and death of several children. Before you know it, the family starts to see weird shadowy figures in bandages and have all sorts of paranormal events. Things get even worse when their own daughter gets kidnapped by these ghostly apparitions. And it's about then that everything starts to fall apart. Instead of doing the smart thing, like call the cops or even attempting to speak in Spanish, Sarah and Paul frantically barge and stomp around town, blabbering in English (which the locals obviously don't understand), until finally learning the truth behind the ghosts. Like I said already, it's a good story. But, the film needs to be ratcheted up in some way. Either there have to be more scares, or there's gotta be more of a sense of dread and doom. Honestly, if the film were more tightly edited, (maybe if the parents were written to be a little more effective) it would be a better movie. But as it is, you can take it or leave it.

Okay, how's this for a zombie film idea? Arnold Schwarzenegger plays the father of a teen-aged girl who's slowly turning into a zombie? Sounds exciting, right? Probably will have oodles of blood and gore, right? Dear ole Arnie will be blowin' apart corpses, right? WRONG! If you, gentle bloodthirsty viewers, were looking for a cheap thrill, then look elsewhere.

Now, as for MAGGIE, let's continue the review. You would think with Schwarzenegger in the cast, the film would wind up playing like END OF DAYS (where he fights the Devil using machine guns and bazookas), but no. In a brilliant, and eye-opening turn, he plays a quiet, reserved mid-western farmer who has to deal with his daughter turning into a flesh-crazed killer. For her part, Maggie (played by veteran ZOMBIELAND star Abigail Breslin) tries to cope with her inevitable changes in decay and memory loss as the zombie virus slowly consumes her from within. Both actors give surprisingly nuanced, if not believable, performances. And their interactions together are even touching and heartfelt at times. The few times where violence does occur, it's handled more on the tense but brief side. And, in one instance, Arnold feels regret afterwards. So often in this movie, you'll think the movie's going to go in one direction, but then the characters do something completely unexpected. I admit, it's slow-going at first. And if you're not hooked about thirty minutes in, this may not be your cup of tea. But stick with it, and I promise it's a rewarding and thought-provoking drama about a zombie girl. For originality alone, I'll put this on my BEST ZOMBIE FILMS list.

CARNOSAUR was a blatant rip-off/mish-mash of JURASSIC PARK, THE THING, THE CRAZIES, and ALIEN. CARNOSAUR 2 was basically JP and ALIENS. In keeping with the formula, CARNOSAUR 3: PRIMAL SPECIES combines JP and Die-hard. Third time around, things are starting to feel run-of-the-mill. But here it goes: On a huge cargo ship, international terrorists seize it and expect to find crates of weapons in the hold. At the same time, a group of hardened soldiers come onboard the ship to take out the terrorists. However... yep, dinosaurs with hearty appetites. Overall, the humans give ho-hum performances. There's quite a bit of humor that falls flat. There's not really much action. And the dino footage is mainly recycled stuff from the earlier two movies. It's entertaining, I'll give it that. But it's best enjoyed if you're planning to mock it, ala MST3K. Either way, be ready to howl with laughter!

With the success of JURASSIC PARK, filmmakers were frantically cashing in on the dinosaur craze. Hence, the CARNOSAUR series. The first film was a rip-off of not only JP, but ALIEN, THE THING and THE CRAZIES. It was mildly entertaining and had decent (low budget) dinosaur FX. In CARNOSAUR 2, a team of badass soldiers investigate a potential meltdown at a top-secret facility. What they discover are dangerous (and hungry) genetically-engineered dinosaurs running rampant through the underground labs. Imagine PREDATOR, JP, and ALIENS combined and you've got the idea. Performances from the human actors are... okay. But who cares about them? Most will wind up as raptor chow anyway! The real stand-outs are the gory special FX and the carnivorous beasties. It's entertaining, so long as you don't think too hard about anything. So put your feet up, load the rocket launcher, and invite your friends over for a rip-roaring blast from the past!

In the original JURASSIC PARK, remember that sense of awe you felt upon setting eyes on the first majestic brachiosaurus? Remember witnessing the baby raptor hatching out of the egg? Remember watching the T-Rex thunder across the screen? Or the adult raptors stalking the kids in the kitchen? *SIGH* JURASSIC PARK. What started as a brilliant masterpiece has been turned into a downward-spiraling series. Much like Spielberg's similarly great shark film JAWS! By the time LOST WORLD came out, the dinosaurs became nothing more than standard-issue movie monsters that just stomped around and ate everybody who wasn't famous. By the time JURASSIC PARK III came about, the formula was already getting old and worn. Here's the story: An annoying kid goes paragliding and crash-lands onto the island of dinosaurs. The boy's annoying parents (played by William H. Macy and Tea Leoni) convince Alan Grant (Sam Neill, yay!) to accompany them to the island in a rescue attempt. Apart from some new dinosaurs (including the flying pterodactyls, finally) there's not much else to write home about with this one. Hopefully JURASSIC WORLD will pick up the reins of this tired series and pump new life into it!

Okay, okay, what do you get when you combine THE CRAZIES, THE THING, ALIEN, and JURASSIC PARK? Why a low budget rip-off of JURASSIC PARK, of course! The storyline is truly bizarre (again a mish-mash of the various titles I mentioned above), but I'll attempt to get it right: In a desert location, weird genetic experiments are going on at a top-secret facility. Scientists are making dinosaurs. Why, it's never made clear. Through a few mishaps, the dinosaurs escape and wreak havoc on the local, edible, population. As if that weren't bad enough, people are coming down with a strange disease that causes dinosaurs to hatch inside them(?!) Like I said, nonsensical. But FUN, nonetheless. So long as you don't go into this expecting Oscar-worthy performances. The special dinosaur FX are pretty eye-catching for such a low budget flick. For mild entertainment, you could do far, far worse. Followed by at least two sequels.

JURASSIC PARK is a sci-fi/action classic directed by the maestro Steven Spielberg himself. After it became such a hit, sequels were pretty much a given. THE LOST WORLD (AKA: THE LOST WORLD: JURASSIC PARK) takes place some time after the events of the first film. Ian Malcolm (Jeff Goldblum) is perplexed to discover from John Hammond (Richard Attenborough, looking old and frail) that they had worked on a second Jurassic Park. What's even more perplexing is that his old girlfriend Sarah Harding (the always delightful Julianne Moore) has gone to the island to study the new breeds of dinosaurs. Going along as part of a research/ rescue team, Ian hates to have his chaos theory proved right... again! Second time around, there's less of the sense of wonder that the first film inspired when we see the dinosaurs. Now, they've been turned more into just movie monsters that stomp around and eat the disposable actors. Ignoring the annoying sub-plot involving the capture of a baby T-Rex and his angry parents, the film is still worthwhile. Followed by the completely forgettable JURASSIC PARK 3!

The prolific writer Michael Crichton was famous for writing stories about science gone awry. Naturally, he'd probably get around to genetic experimenting. Hence, JURASSIC PARK came into being. The novel was monumental for capturing the imaginations of readers. Honestly, who wouldn't want to see dinosaurs again? When the book made a splash, it was almost inevitable that a movie would be made at some point. Directed by none other than Steven Spielberg, the film is a masterpiece.

Imagine being a little kid, sitting in the darkened theater, as the credits roll on a black screen underscored by eerie vocals. The screen fades into an as-yet-unknown location. It's pitch black, harsh spotlights illuminating the area. A group of heavily-armed men stand around a fenced-in compound. A cage is slowly lowered in. The men jump back as whatever's inside screeches at them. Despite being hissed at, the group push the cage into place. But that "something inside" goes on a rampage, knocking the cage and the men out of the way. In the process, one of the workers gets grabbed. Screams and growls reverberate off the theater walls as whatever's inside slowly eats the man alive. Despite the other workers' best efforts to stop the creature. Scary? Oh yeah! And we haven't even seen the first dinosaur yet! Following the accident, the story really takes off: In order to quell the safety concerns from the park's investors, John Hammond (Richard Attenborough) invites a small team of experts and his grandchildren to take a trial vacation at his island resort. What they discover is a magnificent theme park populated by genetically-engineered dinosaurs. But their amazement quickly melts into fear when the power goes out, and the fences start coming down. Now, on the run from the dangerous prehistoric carnivores, they must find a way to survive and escape Jurassic Park. Still twenty-some years later, the special effects and CGI are astounding. Never before (or since, in most cases) have dinosaurs looked so alive on-screen. All the actors give their roles 110%. For you, the viewer, you'll be thrilled, chilled, and amazed at everything happening in this movie. Come on, it's a Spielberg movie! Followed by two "less-than-classic" sequels. With JURASSIC WORLD out now in theaters, why not go back and re-live it all over again?!

For years, THE SIMPSONS was the undisputed champion of topical animated comedy. Sure, BEAVIS & BUTTHEAD tried their best. But it usually came down to a one-joke idea that didn't go very far. Comedy Central then had SOUTH PARK, a worthy competitor. Finally, Seth MacFarlane and his team of animators came along and set up shop with FAMILY GUY. And since everyone knows about the series, I won't bother going through a synopsis of the characters. But typically, the formula for a show is this: one-liners, zingers, usually a musical number, at least one fart joke, perhaps an extended fight between Peter and a chicken, all revolving around a loosely-held-together plot. Overall, the series is funny. Though some of the jokes are a little too off-color, even if you're someone not easily offended. Some of the running jokes go on too long, also. Personally, I like the episodes that feature Stewie and Brian more often. Their banter is really witty. So, take it or leave it, FAMILY GUY is here to stay. Might as well have a few belly laughs, so long as you hang up your morals!

In '97, Matt Stone and Trey Parker set out to make an animated series that would rival THE SIMPSONS. And to date, they're still chugging along. During the early years, their team used the most basic of animation techniques (everything looks like construction paper cut-outs) to create a world of demented, quirky citizens all living in the fictional Colorado town of South Park. More recently, the team has discovered CGI. Which has further helped them envision the town and characters more thoroughly. Typically, here's how an episode goes: The four main characters: boys Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Cartman, get mixed up in some sort of shenanigans; the town gets threatened by some kind of disaster; and usually, Kenny dies in some inventive way. Almost all the jokes are adult-themed, clearly not for children. Usually, there's a smattering of socially-relevant current topics that crop up in the show. Most of the time, there's no plot to speak of. There's also a healthy dose of profanity and scatological humor (fart and poop jokes are their favorite). Like with any TV series, some episodes are hits while others are misses. However, there is one episode that stands as their finest work: "MAKE LOVE, NOT WARCRAFT" that parodies on-line gaming. It was so well-received that it even won an Emmy or two!

The first three TERMINATOR movies were all time-traveling capers in their respective eras of 1984, 1997, and 2003. Here, finally, in TERMINATOR SALVATION, we get to see the war between man and machine in the dusty post-apocalyptic year of 2018. John Connor (Christian Bale) is a soldier in the human resistance movement. Not yet the leader, he inevitably takes it upon himself to track down a very young Kyle Reese (the late great Anton Yelchin), who will one day turn out to be his father. Meanwhile, a mysterious man (Sam Worthington) wakes up in an underground facility that the resistance fighters come across. Traveling through the barren wasteland, he soon learns of his origins and purpose. Admittedly, the plot is virtually a shoestring, keeping the events loosely tied together. But that's fine, because the real strong points are the spectacular and epic battles on display here. And yes, fans of the series, Arnold Schwarzenegger DOES make an appearance in this film. While some have felt that this movie was a let-down, I disagree. In fact, this is the movie that TERMINATOR 3 should've been!

In 2029, the battle rages on between killer machines and human resistance fighters. In a plot to eliminate John Connor, leader of the rebellion, the machines sent a Terminator back to 1984 to eliminate his mother, Sarah Connor (Linda Hamilton). When that failed, the machines sent one more. This one about thirteen years later, to eliminate John himself while still a child. This time around, the resistance chose to send another protector: a re-programmed Terminator T-800 (Arnold Schwarzenegger). Flashback to '97 (though filmed in '91), John Connor (Edward Furlong) is a disrespectful, foul-mouthed, little punk. As for Sarah, gone is the mousy woman from the first film. She's now a hard-as-nails survivalist. Because she tried to blow up a computer company, she got put into a mental institution. With steely determination, the new Terminator, T-1000 (Robert Patrick), tracks down and attempts to kill them both. But the T-800 proves quite a worthy defender! Building upon the original movie, Terminator 2 goes further into the back story of how Judgment Day came around. As well as the scientists responsible for the fateful events. The relationship between the three central characters is at turns touching and even heartbreaking. Personally, I got a little tired of John's wise-ass attitude after a while. And perhaps Sarah's tough persona was a little too violent and unstable at times. But the movie does have some thought-provoking comments to make on technology gone awry, and man's inevitable slide into self-destruction. Visual effects have never been put to better use, especially in regards to the T-1000, who has the ability to morph itself into virtually anyone. My only real complaint is with the re-issued special edition that adds about thirty minutes of footage back in. Some of the extra stuff seems unnecessary. But apart from that, this film is pitch-perfect. Representing the best that sci-fi/ action has to offer!

Over the years, James Cameron has made quite a name for himself. Especially in terms of "sci-fi" and "action/ adventure" movies. But long before TITANIC, AVATAR, and ALIENS, he came up with this original idea. In the not-too-distant future (now anyway), a nuclear war has taken place between the world superpowers. In the wake of the fallout, homicidal machines have risen up; attempting to exterminate the human race. In a desperate effort, the machines have built a time machine and sent a nearly-indestructible cyborg assassin, The Terminator (played icily by Arnold Schwarzenegger), back to 1984 to kill Sarah Connor (Linda Hamilton), who will one day give birth to the leader of the human resistance. To protect her, Kyle Reese (Michael Biehn) a future soldier is sent back through time as well. Combining the best parts of horror, sci-fi, action, and crime drama, James Cameron keeps the movie going at a blistering pace without sacrificing the compelling (and necessary) human story. In many ways, this film was (and still is) a classic from the 80's. Now with TERMINATOR GENISYS due out in the theaters this summer, maybe it's time you go back in time and see how the series all began!

What SHAUN OF THE DEAD did for the UK, ZOMBIELAND did for the US. The story: A mysterious virus (reminiscent of mad cow disease) has swept America, turning people into bloodthirsty "mad zombies". Columbus (Jesse Eisenberg) has a list of rules that he follows to a tee in order to survive. However, his loner existence is soon shaken up when he meets Tallahassee (Woody Harrelson in his best, laidback, nonchalant role). Teaming up, the duo exchange witty banter while looking for the one thing post-apocalyptic society can't live without: Twinkies. But their plans are further complicated by sisters, Little Rock (Abigail Breslin) and Wichita (Emma Stone). Late in the film, there's a memorable cameo by a "famous comedy actor", but I won't reveal who it is... Just in case you're one of the few people who hasn't heard the secret already! Overall, this popular zomedy (or zom-com) has a healthy dose of chuckles, quotable zingers, funny and fresh characters, as well as the requisite of gory zombie violence. So sit back, relax, and have a bloody good time!

What SHAUN OF THE DEAD did for the UK, and ZOMBIELAND did for the US, this film does for Cuba. Juan is a deadbeat slacker trying to reconnect with his daughter before she moves with her mom to Miami. But wouldn't ya know? The locals are acting weird, eating and attacking people. Government officials and the TV insist that it's just a capitalist conspiracy, but it soon becomes hard to deny the zombies in the street. So Juan, along with a few friends, sets about doing what any normal person would do: Start a zombie-extermination business (hence the title of the film). Armed with an array of unusual weapons, the team makes a good living. That is until... Overall, it's an even blend of humor and horror. There are some rather inventive zombie deaths in this one. Also, a good portion of the comedy is based on the characters and their interactions with each other. Sometimes, the subtitles are hard to follow. But aside from that, this is a worthy zomedy (or zom-com) that's worth tracking down!

Okay, what if you woke up one day and discovered that everything was pretty much the same except... now there are flesh-crazed zombies out there, trying to eat you? What would you do? Well for Shaun (Simon Pegg), he plans to: 1) Save his girlfriend, Liz; 2) Save his mum, Barbara; 3) Go to his favorite pub, The Winchester; and 4) wait for everything to blow over. However, things don't go as planned, because... watch the show. This movie almost single-handedly launched Simon Pegg's career, and justifiably so. In SHAUN OF THE DEAD, there's a plethora of memorable one-liners, quirky characters, and (yes, gentle bloodthirsty viewer) a healthy smattering of bloody zombie action. Though the emphasis is more on laughs than chills, this Zomedy (or ZomCom) will leave you rolling in the aisles!

Cloning. One of those hot button topics that sometimes crops up during political debates... nowadays. Back in '79, when this film was made, it was only a sci-fi idea. It's amazing the difference thirty-some years can make, isn't it? In PARTS: THE CLONUS HORROR (AKA: THE CLONUS HORROR), we're introduced to a seemingly idyllic life. On a remote campus, everybody's beautiful and blissfully happy. However, despite living in this Utopia, Richard has grown disenfranchised. He knows there's something more out there. But he's not getting any answers from the teachers, coaches, and guides. Upon learning the shocking truth, that he's living in a clone colony, Richard escapes with the evidence. Now, he's being hunted down by CLONUS scientists, security guards, and politicians in a race to silence him. Though the title is somewhat misleading (there's no HORROR to speak of), the concept is terrifying: That we all could be cloned for the sole purpose of harvesting our organs. Performances, on the whole, are excellent. Peter Graves is only in three scenes, though. Also as an interesting side note: THE ISLAND (starring Ewan McGregor and Scarlett Johansson) seemed so similar to this film that fans began to protest. And since then, the makers of CLONUS received compensation.

I first saw this film on MST3K. And, as usual, it was ripe with comedic brilliance. On it's own, the movie wasn't too bad. Though it was a blatant rip-off of THE MOST DANGEROUS GAME (1932). Four college kids are on vacation. Bored, and with only one more day to party, they spot a tropical island from their boat. Despite the drunk captain's objections, they row towards it. As you can guess, they'll wish they had heeded his advice. Once on the island, they come across an odd gentleman with a passion for hunting. For almost half the movie, we're introduced to a cast of expendable characters. Here and there, a few of the kids get into Scooby Doo-type hijinks. And discover a bizarre trophy room. The film really takes off during the second half, when the men are separated from their girlfriends and sent out into the jungle to be hunted. A couple of shocking brutal deaths help keep the movie interesting. And the villain gets a nice comeuppance at the end, though it does seem a little too convenient. Overall, it's held up pretty well. But definitely see THE MOST DANGEROUS GAME first.

In the early 90s, John Woo films were all the rage following the success of HARD-BOILED. At the time, Jean Claude Van Damme was making a name for himself as well. When the two of them came together, this masterpiece was made! Set in the lovely city of New Orleans, it follows a group of rich hunters as they track down and kill homeless war vets. But the killers meet their match when they fix their sights on Chance Boudreaux (Van Damme) and his girlfriend Nat (Yancy Butler). The Big Easy has never looked so gorgeous! Many famous locations (like Bourbon Street and St. Louis Cemetery) get featured in the movie, making the city a character in its own right. Add on to that the icy performances of Lance Henriksen and Arnold Vosloo, as well as Wilford Brimley as Chance's colorful Cajun Uncle Douvee. And you're guaranteed to have a thrill ride filled with epic gun battles, memorable one-liners, and a rip-roaring good time!

In Seattle, Jack Mason (Ice-T) lives on the streets. His dog got run over and he just lost his best friend. With nothing left to live for, Jack plans on ending it. Until he's stopped by Walter Cole (Charles S. Dutton). He offers Jack a job to be a guide for some rich hunters out into the wilderness. At first hesitant, the poor man agrees. But, upon touching down in the vast Wenatchee National Forest, Jack becomes increasingly suspicious of the hunters. Early the next morning, he learns the horrifying truth. Giving him a head start, the hunters are determined to track him down and kill him. So now, running for his life, Jack must try to find a way to outwit and defeat the group of sadistic maniacs. In some ways, this film is kind of like HARD TARGET. But with less of the wit and fun. In its place, however, the filmmakers put more fully-fleshed out characters and moments of questionable violence. It also has some telling things to say about the plight of the homeless people. Though not nearly as enjoyable as HARD TARGET, it's still a worthy action/ adventure film.

In light of the recent successes with films like THE HUNGER GAMES and THE PURGE series, I'll be reviewing "Death Match" movies for a while. Originally, THE RUNNING MAN started life as a book written by Richard Bachman (AKA: Stephen King). The story is pretty straightforward: In the near future, criminals are given the opportunity to win back their freedom. But only if they participate and survive in the televised game show THE RUNNING MAN. To date, no-one has made it. But all that might change when Ben Richards (Arnold Schwarzenegger in one of his best roles ever) enters the arena. All to the chagrin of game show host Damon Killian (Richard Dawson in a slightly more sadistic version of his FAMILY FEUD persona), who tries increasingly desperate tactics to kill Richards and his pals. Filled with moments of witty jabs at TV, brilliants little cameos, and pulse-pounding battles, you're guaranteed to have a good time!

When Roger Corman and his crew set out to make a movie, you weren't always guaranteed a good time. However, with DEATH RACE 2000, you'll be happily rewarded. Here is, perhaps, the best "death match" movie ever made! In the not-too-distant future, a cross-country auto race is held once a year. Participating drivers are given the opportunity to run over unwitting citizens. And score points based upon their age, race, social status, and so forth. In this year's current race, there's the ever-popular Frankenstein (David Carradine), Machine Gun Joe Viterbo (Sylvester Stallone), Calamity Jane (Mary Woronov), Matilda the Hun (Roberta Collins), and Nero the Hero (Martin Kove). Who will win? Who will die? Watch and enjoy! And flatten all the remakes along the way!!!