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Reviews
Unearthed (2007)
This is not the 2004, UNEARTHED by Tom Savini...
I swear to God, and all that is holy, there should be a lawsuit against the so called 8 films to die for franchise, as each one of these pieces of garbage I've seen has simply gotten worse, and worse.
I watched Unearthed, and thought, wow, this looks familiar. SURE ENOUGH... the same film was made in 2004 by Tom Savini, only in this case, the names were changed to protect the talented.
There are reasons why God has given us natural selection and handguns, and one of those reasons is so that stupid films like this, with retarded actors won't be made.
If I see one more stereotypical Native American Shaman type in film, putting something in the palm of someone's hand, AND THEN CLOSING IT LIKE IT'S MEANINGFUL, I swear to God... I don't know what film started that cliché, but I wish it would stop. You have a cast of characters that were literally pulled off the short bus, obligatory black pimp wannabe who would trade his VETTE, for a horse to get out town, yet has no reason to do so, save for a medical supply deal that has to be kept cool. Oddly enough, no development on that front what so ever. When you introduce an artifact, or something has prominence in a film, there has to be some kind of explanation. NOPE. Apparently the guy who made this film went to the same film school that UWE Boll and every other retarded hack went to.
This movie is proof that a movie studio will literally throw money at anyone who can write something crappy.
The first time this film was made, it was okay. This time around, apparently they wanted a movie that they could show to the mentally handicapped so they could build their self esteem.
Zombie Strippers! (2008)
Zombie Strippers Ain't Pretty, but... It's different.
I am a big Zombie Movie Fan. When a movie like this comes along, you have a pretty good idea what you're getting. You're getting bad acting on purpose, you're getting clichés, you're getting naked women, and of course zombies.
The social commentary of this film speaks more than some of the more mainstream movies I've seen of late. The notion that guys don't care what they throw their money at when it comes to seeing naked women, is pretty damning all things considered. Seeing the contrast between attractive women, and then the same women only zombified, says a lot about what strippers probably live with every day. Apparently you have to be dead inside to be a good stripper, or at least have a grasp of Nietzsche, or Kant.
With that said, I've seen worse Zombie movies this year. This one had some laugh out loud moments, especially with the racial slurs, and the more vile constructs of zombie behavior. I think I'll leave the discovery of all that to those who watch this movie. There are worse films out there than this one, and as juvenile as it was, it wasn't as bad as the trailer made it out to be.
The only thing I really couldn't stand, was the actors on the so called Special Forces team. Talk about retarded. The CG effects were also pretty weak, but the practical effects however... Icky.
If you want something that will make you think a bit, while you objectify zombie women, this movie is for you.
AVPR: Aliens vs Predator - Requiem (2007)
The Brothers Strauss Make Uwe Boll Look Like Steven Spielberg.
Suspension of disbelief is something you have to have, when you watch a Science Fiction Film... TO A DEGREE.
Suspension Of Common Sense, and Intellectual Prowess, should not be necessary for people to enjoy a movie.
So I rented this piece of garbage because I sure as hell wasn't going to pay real money to see it in a theater. Within the first 10 minutes my intelligence was insulted to a degree that told me that this film no matter how cool it could be, isn't going to improve.
It destroys everything good about the original alien, and predator movies. It adds absolutely NOTHING.
Here's a few spoilers that will tell you just how stupid this movie is.
When a space ship crashes into the earth from outer space, at terminal velocity, you cannot walk over the hill to it, after seeing it crash land from MILES AWAY. You cannot get near the crash as the temperature would likely burn you, not to mention radiation. Let's also not forget the explosive impact that would have left about 10 miles of forest destroyed killing our father and son duo who are out there hunting deer.
Then... What do Predators do when they know they're going to get killed by the locals? That's right. They go nuclear. This way they kill their enemy, and never leave a trace. What happens here? Apparently THIS PUSSY PREDATOR CALLS PREDATOR 9-11!!! Then there's the instantaneous call that the predator cop on duty gets on the predator homeworld, and can be there in minutes after the call. Yeah... Like in real life space travel is that easy. Even the Millennium Falcon had to spend some time in space getting to Alderaan.
OH, and for those who drive cars, what happens when you lose your keys? Yes, that's right, you go get your other set. HOW MANY PEOPLE DON'T HAVE A SPARE SET OF KEYS TO THEIR VEHICLES??? It gets dumber and dumber and dumber, and this movie is a complete waste of time. If you want to watch a movie with a few new iterations on a crappy theme, and a retarded screenplay written by retards, this movie is for you. This is the reason why I don't go to theaters anymore, because I don't want my stupidity to be public.
Undead or Alive: A Zombedy (2007)
Mango Goes West.
I've seen bad films, and I mean BAD films. I fully expected this movie to suck like an event horizon, but... It really wasn't as bad as all that.
It's a zombie flick, set out west with supernatural zombies. Geronimo puts a curse on the white man, and when they're bitten by the undead, they too become zombified.
The acting is good in this, nobody's phoning it in, and the only thing that was kind of iffy on this thing was the story itself. Had they played this as either serious, or as a straight comedy, it would have been good. I think they were trying for a balance of both, but that's the only thing that kind of suffers. Chris Kattan is a funny guy, and has some good lines in this, as well as James Denton, and the female lead. There are some plot holes that are small, but when you pare it all away, it's still better than Diary Of The Dead, and well worth a rental.
The Deaths of Ian Stone (2007)
The Deaths Of Ian Stone... Or, I want a free rental please.
I am so sick of the so called 8 movies to die for series. This movie was reprehensibly bad. The script, dialogue, and story were likely written by a high school kid, and the ending of this movie more than proves that fact.
It's a story about a guy who keeps dying and is pushed from one life to another, and of course in the most convoluted ways. The promise of this movie is betrayed after 10 minutes, as the first 10 minutes of this movie give you the impression it's something cool, new, and scary. Nothing could be further from the truth. It's a complete waste of your time and your money. Fortunately for me it was a half priced rental, and to think that I'd actually pay real money to own a copy of this piece of crap would be like thinking you can get surf at turf at McDonald's.
Between the bad writing, tepid acting, and of course the obligatory wardrobe from Rammstein's closet to scare people, the cg effects looked like something I could have done in my studio.
On my trusty scale of 1 to 10, the drop down won't let me post negative numbers. That's how crappy this thing is. I remember a time when movies used to be scary. The only thing scary about this movie, is the fact that it ever got made.
Slipstream (2007)
Slipstream. A movie David Lynch would love.
I rented this movie on the merits of what the trailer showed, and of course Sir Anthony Hopkins.
If Jackson Pollack teamed up with David Lynch, and Timothy Leary to make a movie, this would be the end result. I don't think I've seen a movie like it that made an LSD trip look like an episode of Sesame Street.
It's a bunch of set pieces where the characters flash in and out of reality, or various realities, and the film doesn't culminate into anything until the last 5 minutes, where all of a sudden it makes sense. I wrote a scathing review on my movie review blog that essentially gives everything away, and I won't do that here. It's a well acted piece of cinema, and the soundtrack was written by Sir Anthony Hopkins, and let me say this, if there's one redeeming feature to this film, it's the music. It fits perfectly. Some of the dialogue is unbelievably good, and unbelievably bad all at the same time.
I enjoyed parts of this movie, I truly did, and once you get to the end of it, you'll actually figure out what's truly going on. It's unfortunate that you have to wade through 2 hours of crazy to get to a salient point, which minimizes the effect of the entire movie.
I give it a 3 out of 10 for the simple fact that the real problem with this film isn't the acting, it's everything.
Diary of the Dead (2007)
Diary Of The Dead.... You have gotta be kidding me.
This is by far and away the worst film I have ever seen. This movie makes that new Mulberry Street movie look like Citizen Kane. I have never in my life imagined that I would come out of a movie, after spending $28.00 on tickets for 3, hating not only the theater, but the people who were involved in making this movie. I would build a time machine so I could go back to the Pleistocene, and get the angriest mammoth I could find, to trample the ancestors of every actor, and George Romero, just to make sure this movie was never made. If there were ever a time for George Romero to get out of the film business, it's now. I desperately wanted to like this film, but after seeing it, all I want is my money back. I will never watch another film with George Romero attached to it, not even if he was just the guy bringing donuts to the set.