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Antichrist (2009)
1/10
For the love of all that is good left in the world do not see this film
26 May 2010
Warning: Spoilers
I have to write this but I don't want to because I would desperately like to block out the images I saw in this film. I have seen some pretty terrible films in my day but as I explained to a friend after watching Antichrist, I could take every terrible film I have seen previously in my life, put them all together in a continual loop of unmitigated misery that I would be forced to watch while slowly having my skin flailed off painfully and by centimeters with a spoon, then to have my raw exposed nerves coated with honey and rolled into a giant African Red Ant hill and it would STILL not even come close to how terrible this film actually was.

There are some things you should never see. You should never see Charlotte Gainsbourg in a film, let alone, naked, let alone, forcefully masturbating herself, let alone having sex with Willem Dafoe and a number of other horrific things which included her pathetic acting and screaming in the woods with a piercing repetitive sound that would make local dogs bark and whine for release.

You should never see Willem Dafoe having torture-porn sex with Charlotte Gainsbourg (or anyone, thanks for the searing image that will not ever leave my brain of your white clenching buttocks thrusting) or acting (is that what this pitiful thing they did on screen is called) according to the direction of Lars Von Trier, a fake auteur if there ever was one who is apparently not only a misogynist but completely and totally insane and should be locked up because what he has done here certainly can be considered a crime against humanity and without a doubt is extreme brutality to women.

If you want the details of the film please read other reviews here or actually spare yourself the details entirely and just make the best decision possible and do not lose your precious innocence by watching Antichrist. If only I read the reviews here first.

It doesn't get to the real horror until near the end of the film and I will tell you that I have never in my life wanted to hurl and burst into tears at the same time while watching a film.

Some reviewers and fans of Charlotte Gainsbourg have actually called her an earthy beauty and I don't know what kind of mind-altering substances these people are on but she is one of the sinfully ugliest women I have ever seen and that she has been allowed to make films and been paid for it is some kind of outer limits, beyond the beyond lunacy that I cannot cope with nor can I that she actually received the best actress award for this performance at Cannes last year.

For a long time the media has forced actresses upon us and told us they were beautiful when they are in fact anything but. Yet Charlotte Gainsbourg is actually uncomfortable to look at, unsettling to watch move, speaks as if she is holding a glass of water and marbles in her mouth in a dull thick monotone and can only be described as the anti-erection. No make-up, lank, stringy hair, skin and bones body, no shoulders, being forced to watch her in a pleasant film would be a kind of torture of its own. But in this film? I cannot even guess or fathom what would have made her agree to be in this film except perhaps her evening rampages through villages where she tortures babies by making them look into her lifeless eyes was on the wane.

The world has become a dark and evil place (or it has always been so, only there were at least a few pleasantries here and there) is all I can surmise from this and to know that Charlotte Gainsbourg took part in this film as a married MOTHER of two only terrifies me more and makes me consider that this actress may be the embodiment of pure anti-feminist evil.

I also take great umbrage at the weaving in (with absolutely no knowledge or background whatsoever) of a ridiculous sub-plot involving women and witchcraft. No one involved here obviously did any research and used this as a device to not only insult every woman currently living on the planet but every woman who has passed on as well.

This is a film about hate. A film about hating sex, toddlers, snow, mothers, fathers, animals, trees, bugs, ferns, clouds, flowers, penises, vagina's, erections, masturbation, and hating women so deeply that the filmmaker allows the most graphic and horrible depiction of female genital mutilation ever filmed. You know there are serial killers in prison who could view this film and think, wow, that's harsh, I just filleted and ate my victims.

Of course it is purely calculated on Lars part, and I'm sure he has laughed himself silly watching people remark at the films beauty and significance. What a power trip for Lars – look at what I can do – waste 11 million dollars on making the most revolting thing ever put on film and people will tell me I'm brilliant and give my lead actress an award and then others will give me more money to torture other actresses on screen for their amusement. How delightful.

Ten years ago this film would have never been made. Twenty years ago it would have never even been conceived. If you have any doubts that we clearly exist within a hell realm that should let you know that we do, indeed.

I weep for the future.
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Fanboys (2009)
1/10
You'd have to be a nerf herder to like this
26 May 2009
Warning: Spoilers
I bought this and was so completely put off by it that I happily deleted it immediately after watching it. It is so bad that it is embarrassing and I shudder to think that poor George Lucas allowed them to film at the Skywalker Ranch. Maybe George is just getting old and sentimental.

How could this garbage have been greenlighted and over 3 million sunk into it? What was there - a let's find some utterly pathetic script and make it into a movie freebie day at Triggerstreet? Did Kevin Spacey actually read this script and say - I know I have two academy awards and all but I really really want to put my name as producer on the worst film I can possibly that isn't porn with dwarfs and mechanical bulls. Well Kev - this is it. Go back to the theatre - where you can do little harm.

The characters are offensive stereotypes, not a single heartfelt emotion exists in the film even after putting in a character dying of cancer (you find that out in the first ten minutes). He's lucky that he gets to die before the cheezy end but not so lucky that he doesn't have to go through most of the ridiculous film although he looks healthy and fit as a fiddle I might add with only a few months to live.

I know that people think that nerds like this cannot possibly have real lives but many nerds do. They get married, they have kids, they even tend to have good jobs. Being a nerd is not the pathetic loser thing that it was in the 80's though a film like this acts like the dotcom boom never happened and that there are no Google and Yahoo billionaires. It's just so out of date - even taking place in 1998-1999.

It copies the Judd Apatow/Kevin Smith variety of gross-out, frat boy humor, even including a cameo by Smith and Jason Mewes, as well as a couple of cameo parts played by Judd Apatow's favorite dish - Seth Rogen. I assume this was to give the film a connection with more successful nerd guy gross-outs like Knocked Up and others too numerous to mention - you know the drill - nerdy, loser, drug-user guy hooks up with extraordinary babe who falls for him (which does not happen in real life unless nerd guy is actually one of those Google billionaires). Fanboys even has that happen. .

As a Star Wars and Star Trek fan I found it insulting. I did enjoy William Shatner's cameo, because the Shat is the shezit. He was the best thing in the movie. They dusted off Billy Dee Williams (well-preserved) and Carrie Fisher (not so well-preserved) and I cannot believe that they stooped this low. Maybe they got to hang out together on the set and talk about when they made a really great film like The Empire Strikes Back.

The film looks very much like some guys made it in their backyards for You Tube.

It could have been done so much better if there had been a decent script without the gross unfunny jokes, if the characters had not been cardboard cut-outs with no depth or characterization, if the film hadn't looked like it was shot with a handy-cam and if every on-screen moment had not literally been a smack in the face to fans of Star Wars and Star Trek.

As it is - it belongs right in the Death Star trash compactor with the slime and the walls closing in.
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