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Omori (2020)
Not good
I bought Omori thinking it would be good. I thought it would be great, in fact! Literally the only reviews of the game were extremely positive. And after playing through it twice, all I have to say is that I have no idea how they like it.
I would tell people that this is just my opinion and they shouldn't harass me or say I have bad taste, but unfortunately, considering this is the internet, that's not going to happen. So say I'm a horrible person all you want for disliking a game, I really don't care.
So anyways, let's get into this crap. I'm going to explain why Omori is not a great game, so grab a snack or something if you're hungry I guess and don't if you're not and read this if you want to. Which I imagine you do, as you clicked on this. Unless you just did to say it sucks, in which case you probably aren't reading this part. Anyways enjoy the review I guess.
I'm going to start off this review with the three things I liked about the game, so as to not be completely negative. First, I really like the music. Some of it is better than the rest, but all of it is at least fine, and there's quite a few great songs in it. I actually recommend the soundtrack, it's pretty good.
Second is the artwork. I'm honestly not a huge fan of the overworld sprites, I feel like they're a bit overly simple for the game's aesthetic, but the battle sprites look fantastic. I absolutely love the way they animate and change dependent on their emotions (which are pretty much status effects). The artwork in the photo albums and stuff isn't bad either.
Thirdly, uh... I actually forgot what the third thing was in the process of writing this. Well, that's enough of being positive! Let's get into the negatives, the (unfortunately) main part of this review.
The first time I played Omori was like a year and a half ago, and I initially loved it. That was because I used to have terrible taste. But I think I got up to the Sweetheart's Castle section and stopped because of how dreadfully boring it was.
I picked it back up a few months later and played up to the Humphrey section, when I stopped because of how dreadfully boring it was. Then I picked it back up a few months later and beat it. I only got the bad ending though, because I had already seen the good ending and didn't feel like putting in the effort to get it because of how dreadfully boring it was. Recently, I decided to play through it again and do the Hikikomori route. I have no idea why. I got to almost the end and stopped, because of how dreadfully boring it was.
I think the fact I had to take multi-month breaks in between sessions of this game speaks for itself, but unfortunately, facts can't speak, so I have to speak for it I'm afraid. Every review and analysis I've watched or read of this game has started with the gameplay, so I'll follow suit. The gameplay in Omori sucks.
Now I've played other RPG Maker games with bad combat, such as Off and Space Funeral. But the difference is, those games are great in every other regard, and don't make you spend much time on the combat. I think you could say Off is a little too combat-reliant, but I don't feel like it's too annoying. Meanwhile, Omori makes you spend most of your natural life fighting enemies. And it's not like the combat is fun, either. Hylics 2, another actually good game, has encounters that last quite a while, but it makes up for that with none of them respawning and just generally having a deeper and more complex combat system. Meanwhile Omori's combat is incredibly easy and takes like 5 hours per encounter.
I've heard some people say that Omori is really tough and I have to wonder how many RPGs they've played. And I suck at RPGs. I play pretty much every one on easy mode, and Omori's still pathetic. And it wouldn't be a big deal if the combat wasn't long-winded like in the aforementioned Off and Space Funeral. But unfortunately, it's winded about as long as the Nyabarongo river. Probably longer.
Seriously, the combat takes so. Long. Just the animations take forever and there's approximately 9000 enemies in every area. For god's sake, there's two separate achievements for killing 100 enemies of a certain kind. I don't know why you'd ever do that, but it's your choice I guess. My point is that the combat sucks and it takes up the majority of the game.
The walking gameplay isn't much better than the combat. Most of it consists of solving boring and easy puzzles that take way too long, or trying to solve a puzzle and getting dragged into an extremely long, boring, and pointlessly slow cutscene that accomplishes nothing and isn't entertaining, funny, or plot-relevant.
At this point I think I should probably summarize the structure of this game. Basically, you go through 5 or so hours of stuff within the main character's mind, called the Headspace sections, and then spend like 2 hours in the real world doing side quests and furthering the real plot.
The real world sections are honestly not that bad, other than the crappy annoying side quests, but the creator at least had the fortunate idea to make those optional. The writing is honestly pretty good in the real world and the pacing is alright, but unfortunately, most of the game takes place in Headspace, which is like a mirror version of the real world. By that I mean the writing is terrible and the pacing is abhorrent. Or, in other words, it's dreadfully boring.
The plot isn't much better. Well, sorta. The Headspace story is awful. Just awful. The plot surrounds Omori, along with his friends Kel, Hero, and Aubrey, along with his sister Mari who supplies save points as they go on an epic quest to save their friend Basil. But most of it doesn't surround that and instead surrounds some random boring shenanigans happening. Then after approximately 5 hours of some random crap you fight an easy boss and then you do a real world section. And as I said, the real world sections aren't that bad, it's just that you barely get to be in them. And even then, they're still flawed in many regards. I'm not planning to spoil anything in this review, but there's a twist near the end no one shuts up about and to be honest, it's really not that great, so don't get too hyped if for some godforsaken reason your conclusion after reading this is to buy it.
But anyways, the plot in the real world is decent. Some of it's overly slowly-paced for what it is, but overall, it's written fairly well. It's just the fact two hours of well-written enjoyable gameplay is balanced out with 5 hours of mind-numbingly boring stupid Headspace crap that really bugs me. If this game was just the real-world sections, I think it would honestly be a decent little indie game. But unfortunately, the creator felt the need to add in 20 more hours of gameplay to make it worth people's while to play. I could probably rant and nitpick for another fifteen hours about random crap like the extremely unfunny dialogue that's legitimately cringey and extremely hard to sit through for a game apparently made for adults, but I won't, because I don't feel like it would add anything else to the conversation. But I will mention the incredibly annoying fandom that deflects every bit of criticism like they've just used PSI Shield.
If you mention pretty much any of the countless negatives I've just went over, a bunch of fans will immediately defend it by just saying it was intentional. If this review is sufficiently popular, I'm sure you'll even see it in the comments despite me acknowledging it. This especially comes up when you mention the tedious Headspace sections, as canonically they're meant to be an escape from something (hah get it) traumatic in the main character's past. If you say something about those segments being bad, people will immediately say "Oh they're so tedious and boring and easy and not fun because they're an escape! You just don't understand the point of the game." But something being intentionally bad doesn't make it not bad. Especially when it's as frustrating as the Headspace garbage in this game. And that's true for most other points of contention in Omori, they're just treated as okay because they're intentional. If I punch you in the face, but then say it was intentional to show how it feels to be punched in the face, you
wouldn't be happy with me, would you? I hope not.
Basically, in conclusion, I'm not a big fan of Omori. I think it's objectively an awful game and it utterly confuses me why so many people love it so much. I strongly do not recommend it, but if you enjoy it, that is fine. If that's your favorite game of all time, I genuinely don't give a crap. Like what you like, I just wanted to unload some very strong opinions I had brewing in my cranium for about a year now. I hope you enjoyed this, and if you just commented how wrong I was before reading anything, maybe don't. Hopefully this review wasn't too dreadfully boring. Bye.
Anodyne (2013)
Absolutely fantastic
So I found out about this game through this great YouTuber named Nitro Rad. His stuff is really good, go check him out. But anyways, Anodyne is a Zelda-like game that almost feels like Link's Awakening + Earthbound + Yume Nikki, which I'm sure barely makes any sense, but I'll explain.
The game takes place in a large, interconnected overworld called "The Land," in which you must save "The Briar" from "The Darkness." All extremely cliche, but intentionally so, as much of the first part of the game is essentially a parody of early Zelda titles.
The writing is one of my favorite parts of Anodyne. Oftentimes, the text is either nonsensical (like Mother 3), funny (like Mother 3), or extremely depressing and existential (like Mother 3). And it's all great. I don't think there's a single bad line of dialogue in this game.
The gameplay, however is the part of the game that's most similar to the Zelda series. You basically just go around and look for cards, the game's collectable of choice, as well as very occasional items to help you on your journey. These items include jump boots (which let you jump), as well as upgrades for your main weapon, a broom. And that's one of the least weird aspects of the game.
A lot of the cards and secrets are achieved by reaching an area that looks like it should have an obvious entrance in a certain room, but the real entrance is found by taking an extremely roundabout path to the same room, where you can usually open a path to the room the entrance looks like it should've been. God that was a word salad. I'm sorry for making you read that.
Near the end of the game, you unlock a tool called Swap that leads to some really neat postgame puzzles puzzles and hidden areas, but I won't spoil those. Trust me, they're really cool.
The combat in Anodyne is very generic and, once again, akin to older Zelda titles. It's also generally pretty easy, but it's far from the focus of the game.
And that's Anodyne! I heavily recommend it to anyone who enjoys Metroidvanias or Zelda-type games. It's only like $10, so just buy it.
The Henry Stickmin Collection (2020)
Good.
So nowadays it seems like the only thing Innersloth is known for is making hit game Amogoose (fun fact: the guy saying "amogus" in that one meme is from an alt-right webcomic), but they've also produced the game this review will discuss... Dig2China Free!!!!!!!!
Oh yeah and they also made the Henry Stickmin Collection.
Now if you've never played a Henry Stickmin game before, you're really missing out. They started as a series of 5 games on Newgrounds (Breaking the Bank, Escaping the Prison, Stealing the Diamond, Infiltrating the Airship, and Fleeing the Complex) starring a stickman named Henry getting into increasingly troublesome scenarios. The typical gameplay loop is that after a cutscene plays, you get a choice between 2-4 options for Henry to perform, such as using a portal gun or jumping. Typically, only 1 or 2 of the options actually lead to success and the rest lead to death, featuring funny failure screens!
The successes then lead into yet more cutscenes with yet more options, with most games having multiple endings. It's a very fun and very replayable gameplay formula that works very well within the context of the game. But, some aspects of the Newgrounds originals were sorta unpolished, which is where the remastered version comes in!
In 2020 Puffballs United and Innersloth came together to make The Henry Stickmin Collection, a fantastic remastering of all 5 original games plus a wholly new one, Completing the Mission. It's an utterly fantastic remake and wholeheartedly deserves the overwhelmingly positive reviews on Steam.
So what's the verdict? Play it. It's only $15, so you might as well. Also, this review sucked.
Super Meat Boy (2010)
Really good!
Super Meat Boy is a very hard platformer made by Edmund McMillen, and this is one of my favorite games made by him. I shall now review it.
This game starts with Meat Boy and Bandage Girl being happy, until the evil Dr. Fetus beats up Meat Boy and kidnaps Bandage Girl. So now you have to go get her, or whatever.
The real meat of the game is the fantastic gameplay, however. Meat Boy can run, jump, and that's about it, but the amount of fun they squeezed out of this simple moveset is astonishing. The levels are all diverse and unique, and they're also super short, which I quite like. As in, the levels are all one screen long. It's pretty neat. The game is also tough as nails, like holy crap it's hard. Especially in the bonus world The Cotton Alley, which I still haven't beaten.
There's also boss battles, which are pretty eh to me. They're fine, I guess, but nothing too amazing. They pretty much just entail running around and doing certain things (great explanation, I know). My least favorite part of the entire game is probably Little Horn, boss of chapter 4, as he's only beatable if you've got either insane pattern recognition skills, or you look it up. Or you spend 5 hours learning his moveset. Your choice.
I know this was a pretty short review, but I really don't have much else to say. I just really like this game and I think you should play it!
Geometry Dash (2013)
Decent
Ah, Geometry Dash. I used to be absolutely OBSESSED with this game as a child. I really don't know why, though.
Geometry Dash is a simple mobile game where you play as shapes and jump over other shapes. THAT'S IT! There's like 13 or so official levels, and they are all well-designed, so there's that. The main attraction of the game (to me at least), though, is the near-endless supply of user-made levels. Like, it's absolutely ridiculous how many there are.
Just playing all those should last you quite a while, but there's also lots of other content such as "gauntlets" as they're called, which are just a series of 5 user-made levels each. They're very difficult. Speaking of difficulty...
This game is very hard. Like, VERY hard. This game legitimately makes crap like Cuphead and The Binding of Isaac look pathetic in comparison. I'll be the first to admit, I've never once cleared a hard-rated level. Ever.
Now it seems like I'm just praising the game, but I do think it has flaws. Namely, and this is the main reason I wouldn't recommend it, it gets very boring. Like, it gets SUPER old super quick. Although, as just a thing to pop out and play when you're waiting in a line or something, this might be better.
So overall, would I recommend Geometry Dash? Eh. Maybe. It's not for everyone. At all. But I think overall, it's a relatively good game. If you're a big mobile gamer, I'd say you'd probably enjoy it.
Totally Accurate Battle Simulator (2019)
Really good!
Totally Accurate Battle Simulator (or TABS as I'll be referring to it in this review) is an utterly ridiculous and nonsensical simulator where you pit goofy-looking polygonal men against each other in fierce combat.
This review will probably be pretty short, but that's because I don't really have much else to say. This game's just dumb fun. There's both sandbox mode (where you can do any matchup) and some story campaigns (where you must beat certain teams with a limited amount of cash). There's also a really neat unit creator and a campaign creator, too! Plus, you can even download other people's custom units and campaigns, meaning the game's never really finished!
I really like the core gameplay, as all it is is putting two teams of units against each other and seeing who wins. Every unit is unique, and there's tons, and I mean TONS, of unit types. Plus, there's the near-infinite amount of custom units. The story mode's also relatively fun, even if it's pretty simple.
So overall, would I recommend TABS? YES. It's extremely fun and I think everyone should try it out sometime in their lives.
Minecraft (2009)
Good
So Minecraft: the best selling video game of all time. Huh. That feels so weird to think about, but it's true, Minecraft has sold over 200 million copies. Welp, I should probably review it!
So Minecraft is a game about blocks and placing them and fighting creatures made out of blocks. It's separated into three game modes: Survival, Creative, and Adventure. In Adventure, you just kinda walk around, and you can't break blocks or anything like that. In Creative (my personal favorite game mode), you just build whatever wherever whenever, using any block in the game (accessible from a menu).
Survival is the real meat of the game, though. In it, you start with literally nothing in some stranded place out in the middle of nowhere. You should probably start with breaking trees apart with your bare hands and melting them into a crafting table, because that makes sense.
Doing this will allow you to produce tools and weapons (made out of wood and sticks at this stage in the game) and use them to destroy blocks. You can use the destroyed blocks to build a house for yourself. Or, if you're like me, walk until you find a village, ransack it for all its crap, and "borrow" one of the villagers' houses.
After you're done building a house, the rest of the game plays out mostly by expanding your base and growing stronger by collecting more powerful materials to craft weapons and armor out of. Eventually, you'll find obsidian, and you can use it to make a portal to the Nether (aka Hell). Inside, you can find CrAzY cOoL fortresses and kill everything inside to get blaze powder, as it's called. You can use these to make potions and eyes of ender, which let you locate a stronghold.
In there, you'll find a portal you must fill with more eyes of ender to ENDter the final area: The End. Inside, you must kill the final boss the Ender Dragon to jump into a fountain to read a trippy credits sequence (it makes more sense in context).
The game uses really neat random generation to make each world unique, but you can also use seeds (not for plants) to enter specific worlds. It's a neat tool that makes Minecraft what it is.
The actual gameplay of Minecraft is relatively simple, in that you make stuff to kill stuff to make more stuff (incredibly oversimplified explanation). The combat is pretty simple, as all you do is swing, but it's still fun. Plus, there's tons of weapon types you can get, which makes experimenting with new equipment more fun!
There's also two optional bosses you can fight in Minecraft (namely, the Wither and the Elder Guardian), but they're both pretty easy.
So there was my crappy review of Minecraft. Overall, would I recommend it? Yes! Don't let the fandom of insane rambling children scare you off, it's a fantastic open world sandbox game.
Castle Crashers (2008)
Fantastic
Hello! I'm back today and writing up another review, this time of Castle Crashers! I've specifically played the remastered version, but most of this info applies to the original as well.
So Castle Crashers: it's a beat-em-up made by The Behemoth starring four knights (plus like a million bonus characters) as they rescue four princesses (the fourth of which turns out to be Tricky the Clown from the Madness Combat series). It was originally called Ye Olde Side-Scroller, and I'm very glad that changed because dear god that name is terrible.
So the gameplay is pretty much just a normal beat-em-up (such as River City Ransom or Streets of Rage), but still somehow very fun! The best strategy in this game is to pick up the enemies and just kinda carry 'em around until they die. Apparently you can also "juggle," which involves picking enemies up, smacking them down, and picking them up again ad infinitum, but I suck at video games, so I'm bad at that technique.
The game's pacing is quite strange, with some levels like Lava World that go on for 2 years, and then some like Cyclops' Gate, which has no enemies and like 3 minor obstacles. But it does succeed in making nearly every area visually distinct and immediately recognizable.
Combat in the game is pretty great. It's hyper-satisfying with all the sound effects, and the bosses are cool too. They're all pretty different as well, so you never feel like you're doing the same thing twice.
In terms of replay value, the game is okay. Each character has different magic skills they can use to damage enemies. Some character's magic is amazing, like the Industrialist or Fencer, while some are godawful, like the Barbarian or Green Knight. Replaying the game is fun the first (somehow) 5 or so times, but it gets boring after.
So overall, would I recommend Castle Crashers? Definitely! It is amazing and I think everyone should play it sometime in their life! And come on, it's only $15. Just buy it.
Off (2008)
Please play this
OFF is possibly the best game I've ever played. It's also a 2008 RPGMaker game created by Unproductive Fun Time. The game features an amazingly written story and fantastic characters all around, so let's talk about it!
The first thing to discuss is the plot. It surrounds The Batter, a being on a vague quest to purify the world. He must venture through 5 Zones, purifying them of the evil specters, with the help of a cat named The Judge and a shopkeeper named Zacharie. That, however, is barely scratching the surface of the plot, but I'll cover that later.
The combat in the game is fairly standard. You can attack, guard, flee, use items, or use skills, known as "Competences" in this game. Nothing all too special. There is a weakness system in the game, but I didn't really use it. You get three party members or Add-Ons throughout the game, Alpha, Omega, and Epsilon, and they appear as floating rings.
The game's difficulty is fairly low. My experience is, the first Zone is the hardest in terms of combat. The first boss, Dedan, is especially difficult, at least compared to the others. The second Zone and boss, Japhet, is reasonably tough. The third Zone and its boss, Enoch, were pathetic, though that may be because I accidentally did a bunch of grinding and leveled up more than normal. The last areas, the Purified Zones and The Room, didn't present a challenge either.
The puzzles in OFF are absolutely brutal. I personally hated them, but I can see why people might like them. They go from simple keypad-type puzzles to the abomination you see above.
This stupid freaking stamped note puzzle is the bane of my existence. Basically, the room you use it in is very large, and stepping off the path brings you to a fight with a specter and you have to restart the area. I fought SO MANY SPECTERS, and by the time I was done, the walkthrough I was using had the characters at level 9, and mine were at level 12. That may have been why the game was so easy.
Lastly, before I discuss the story, I'll talk about the music. It's fantastic. The entire soundtrack's great, but my personal favorites are "Burned Bodies," "Midnight At High Speed," "Pepper Steak," "Fake Orchestra," "The Face of A Killer," "The Race of A Thousand Pounds," "Brain Plague," and "Avatar Beat."
The plot begins with The Batter (and you, yes you) entering Zone 0, the tutorial section. The resident cat and guardian, The Judge, greets you with some very longwinded sentences that sound like they came straight out of Hylics (another great game, please play it, that uses randomly generated text for its NPCs). He shows you how to fight and solve puzzles, and then proceeds to devour food as you suck it up and do the rest of the puzzles yourself. Eventually, you head to the world map and enter Zone 1.
Zone 1 is the agricultural side of the land, generating the world's 5 elements: plastic, smoke, meat, metal, and sugar. It's run by a foul-mouthed inspector named Dedan who lives in Alma, the capital of the Zone. It's also here you're introduced to the neurotic Elsen, the people who live in the world. They're terrified to do much of anything (remember this for later). The Batter ventures through smoke mines, barns, and a post office to reach Alma, meeting The Judge multiple times along the way. The Batter also meets Zacharie, the fourth wall-breaking shopkeeper. Dedan's extremely cruel demeanor is shown throughout the Zone, reinforcing the idea that The Batter is wholly good. Eventually, The Batter slays Dedan and the Zone becomes purified, turning completely white.
Zone 2 is the residential area, where all the Elsen live. Not much happens throughout the Zone, although you get introduced to The Judge's brother, Valerie. You fight him and learn he rules the Zone, or, moreso, Japhet rules the Zone. Japhet is a firebird that possessed Valerie and turned him evil. Eventually, The Batter and The Judge ascend to the top of the Library and confront Valerie, now fully consumed by Japhet. The Batter kills Japhet, and by extension Valerie, and The Judge gives up on helping him, seeing that he's an awful being. The Batter, however, moves on to Zone 3, with Zacharie taking the place of The Judge.
Zone 3 is the industrial area of the world, where Elsen work. The Elsen are shown to be addicted to some sort of sugar, which is soon revealed to be... ground-up corpses of dead Elsen. When the Elsen die, they're tossed into a furnace and turned into addictive sugar which is fed to them to make them continue working. They're shown in this Zone to be more fight-ready, killing specters by themselves just to get more sugar. The negative sides of sugar withdrawal are also shown, however, during a terrifying encounter with a Critic Burnt, which does nothing but scream for help. The Batter doesn't care. He kills it anyways. Eventually, The Batter reaches the guardian, Enoch, who chases him until he tires himself out, when The Batter strikes. After The Batter decapitates Enoch, the guardian delivers one heck of a revelation - without a guardian, a Zone and everyone in it fails to exist. The residents of all three Zones you've purified - all dead. The Batter doesn't seem to care.
The Batter can return to any Zone at any point to explore them, but all he finds are Secretaries, strange mutilated babies that attack him on sight (what is this, The Binding of Isaac?). Zone 2, specifically, holds 2 terrifying sights. First, is one singular surviving Elsen huddling in a building talking about how he's completely safe. The second one, however, is The Judge, on top of the Library, eternally crying out for his dead brother. All he does is ask you if you've seen him.
Finally, The Batter enters The Room, a ridiculously trippy visit into his child/creator Hugo's mind. It's revealed that Hugo created the entire world, after interacting with the formerly kindly guardians. It's revealed he hates The Batter, as well. Eventually, in Chapter 1 of The Room, The Batter kills his wife, The Queen, and proceeds to kill Hugo as well. Before he can finish his mission by flicking a switch to turn off the world, however, he's confronted by a familiar face: The Judge. He's come back and proceeds ask you, the player, if you want to join him or The Batter. Choosing either of them results in a pathetically easy final boss battle.
If you choose The Judge, you battle The Batter and once he's dead, you simply wander for the rest of your life. As The Batter, you kill The Judge and reset the world. A depressing end to a depressingly themed game.
So what's the verdict? Play OFF. Just do it. Please.