Change Your Image
bookembarnes
Reviews
See No Evil (2006)
Thank god for matinée prices...
Okay, okay so I read the reviews of other IMDb reviews among others and understood the reputation of this movie. However, being the horror movie fanatic that I am, I could not resist Kane walking around with a big hook in an abandoned hotel stalking trouble-making teenagers (who are in their mid-20s). I've disagreed with critics about horror films on more than 50% of occasions, so I don't make decisions based on people that cannot grasp the concept. That said, this movie is complete trash. From the first 5 minutes of terrible directing and skip-clip editing, I knew I had gone to far. God, I can't even think where to begin....let's start with the good. Kane does a believable job as the 6'9, religious tattoo-loving, hook wielding serial killer. A couple of the death scenes towards the end were well-done and fun to watch. That's it. The acting was about as bearable as listening to a 75 year old English teacher scratch a nail across a blackboard for 84 minutes. I mean when I say bad, I mean not even B-horror movie level. This is one of those movies that literally have you turning in your seat from the sheer stupidity of the characters. It's not like I expected Shakespeare acting but Jesus Christ I would have preferred an entire WWE cast, at least they act on a regular basis. Who wouldn't want to see Stephanie Mcmahon getting her eyes easily gouged out by Kane's rotting fingernails? Now that's a hit. The directing really was porn-like style here. There must have been some really really terrible scenes in this movie because the first 40 minutes is edited so tightly it's like watching clips from your grandma's trip to Europe in 1953....only with some hooking, if you catch my drift (God that was terrible). The plot was nonexistent and consists of a lot of holes and inconsistency that I'm not going to waste my time analyzing. Just know it was bad. The writing was stiffer than the oak tree outside, and I would have rather just watched previews for the whole running time of the film. What else can I say to thwart you from paying your hard earned money to see this? Go see Over the Hedge? This is coming from a man who's seen almost every horror film Blockbuster has to offer, and sees every one that pops up in the movie theaters. That means, go buy a 12 pack and sit at home watching baseball or the O'reilly Factor instead, you will probably get better acting. 3/10
Mission: Impossible III (2006)
decent...
I must say I think DePalma's version was clever and fun to weave through, while this one focuses more on Hunt's running abilities. Tom Cruise gives us lots of "intense" looks while breathing as hard as possible. It's like they shoulda campaigned for Michael Mann to direct so everything could break off in pieces and randomly explode. The plot is just average and lacks the initial wow factor of the first. Phillip Seymore Hoffman does what he can do with the shallow screenplay and acts his ass off as usual. The action is definitely up to par with the summer kick, and pulls no punches in how far it goes. There are a couple cool gadgets throughout, and not to mention missile throwing helicopters. With it's fun it compromises some key elements to a good movie. Tom cruise does his best to over act Ethan Hunt's character. The plot was so thin, i could slice through it with a butter knife.and The "twists" are easy and predictable. It just doesn't have that classy spy-thriller feel that the first M:I: had. It's like they dumbed down for the audience. We never find out what the "rabbit's foot" does or is, only left to assume. Don't get me wrong, this is a fun and semi-engaging movie. It just doesn't live up to the hype it was given or the rating is sustains on IMDb. When I think of Mission Impossible, I think classy and mentally engaging (of course totally disregarding M:I: 2) and this just doesn't stay close. I'd make this comment more witty and interesting except I'm tired and watching Family Guy. 6/10.
War of the Worlds (2005)
Breathtakingly terrible.
I would say "War of the Worlds" is the worst Steven Spielberg movie ever pushed to eyes of innocent humans, but I forgot that the aliens were offended as well. How can you guys really justify giving this heap of trash anywhere CLOSE to a 7? I forget how many dumb people truly exist until I read some of these reviews and look at some of the "weighted" scores. Yes, I'll admit that making the camera run away from the special effects with Tom Cruise and his downright annoying family was a good idea....it just really missed it's point. H.G. Wells novel was focused on scientific ideas as well as theology and the attempted destruction of mankind. It was only focused on the protagonist as a sense to get you involved in the mayhem. Therefore, Spielberg's vision of running away from the whole point of the film....DEFEATS THE PURPOSE not to mention is just straight-up annoying having every scene a close-up of Tom Cruise looking like a convicted child molestor on his way to prison. I mean come on, this movie just misses every single point it tries so hard to hit. I truly wished Dakota Fanning would get snatched up by an alien and her punk brother smacked around by Tom cruise, yet it does not happen. Okay I'm done man, you people make up your own minds, but don't come crying to me when people don't remember the garbage that is "War of the Worlds".
Elephant (2003)
Am I a movie outcast?
I am becoming more and more disturbed by IMDb's "weighted" user ratings here. This movie is campy feeling and downright boring. Seriously, do not be duped by these frauds who comment on films such as Elephant and call it artistic and breathtaking because it has a home camera feel and long, drawn-out sustained shots of high school kids in corners talking about nothing. It's like they just tried to fill an hour and 15 minutes up so they could just get on with the Columbine-like massacre. The shooters were downright horrific actors and did not disturb me a bit until they started taking showers together. The video games they were playing were stupid and looked more like a bad version of Nintendo's "Duck Hunter". I'm a big fan of independent films when done artistically and with a purpose with a message to spit at me, but I don't like being spit on by a movie with no clear redeeming value other than the schock value of a cheesy shootout at the end. I mean seriously guys, analyze this film. Watch it again if you have to to see how downright boring it truly is. I say again, don't be fooled by Columbine loving teenage reviewers or ones that tend to think every home camera makes a beautiful film, because they are fooled themselves into thinking they are not fools by watching foolish entertainment. The only reason this movie gets a 4 outta me is because the genuine emotion showed in the last 15 minutes. 4/10
Donnie Darko (2001)
Does this really deserve a top 100 list?
Let me start by reminding my readers Donnie Darko is not a bad movie. Jake gyleminahalfardein or whatever does an exceptional job as the weirded out high schooler with evil bunny vision and supersonic god hearing. The movie is set-up nicely and paced right on time. The idea, though not concrete is original and intriguing and is a potential conversation storm. Thus, I cannot give "Donnie Darko" any less than a 7/10, but it's flaws detract from its success. When I watch a movie, I need to have images and themes bootprinted in my brain like jackie chan just kicked my ass....brain or something like that....anyways, one reason this movie failed to be great is it tries to be classic. They try to inject Donnie with super smart intelligence and emotional anti-social speeches which just don't move me in the slightest. I wasn't even nudged by his "gripping" lunch room monologue. I don't like subplotting religion into a film like its supposed to be some sort of subliminal message only heard by listeners and then calling the bulk of said message science fiction because you add some time travel and an exploding plane. You have to give me downright explosiveness to be considered for my top 250, nevertheless my top 100. Yes, Donnie Darko is an exceptional piece of artwork. No it does not deserve to higher than Full Metal Jacket. 7/10
Idle Hands (1999)
Fun movie deserving more respect.
Okay guys, this is not "Taxi Driver". This movie doesn't have Al pacino being a gay bank robber, or Marlon Brando being a mobster...but damnit it has Senseless violence, a lot of pot smoking, and hot high school breasts being molested by a severed demon possessed hand. That's gotta be worth a viewing. Where else can you find a handless Devon Sawa sharing bonghits with a dead Seth Green who just happens to have a broken soda bottle shoved in his forehead? That's just a flippin' good time folks. I mean from the get-go you should realize this movie takes nothing seriously and is willing to compromise good horror for a good laugh if necessary, and it achieves its goal. Okay so it's not a drama infested masterpiece and there are no plot twists. But rent it, grab some popcorn and prop your feet up on something because this is a movie-night movie and deserves a 6/10
The Hills Have Eyes (2006)
Wes Craven should bow his head.
Wes how are you going to let Aja outshine you my friend? This movie definitely stands it's ground as one of the best horror movie this year. I left the theater still in awe in how sinfully satisfied every drop of blood and senseless massacre made me. It is no secret to those who know me, I reek of horror movie fanaticism and leap at every attempt to see a good one (though few they may be). Not only did this version of Wes Craven's cult classic surpass the gritty feel and hell-like conditions of the original, but the acting was superior and the gore was laid on you like a Hilary Clinton speech. By that of course I mean full force, never knowing which way its going, Switching its mind regularly, and playing the louder of the two in question. With that said, This movie does have it's flaws. The deformed nuclear mutants with super strength was a bit far fetched at times, and at one point at the beginning almost reminded me of al gore after being mauled by a the ever gruesome global warming. Yet, it is not bad enough to give this movie any lower than a 7/10.
Slither (2006)
This is more like it!
Wow! What a fun and engaging movie. This film packs more punch and originality in its presentation that any comedy horror since "Dead Alive". If you are a horror fan like me YOU WILL NOT BE DISAPPOINTED. The acting is well-done and the comedy is blended perfectly. If you like body piercing alien tentacles, and slimy slugs crawling down your throat and controlling your brain, this movie's for you. Every scene is a homage to great cult classics and hits its target audience in the head with a 50 pound bag of fun dropped from the Empire State Building. Granted, I'm no film expert but I am an avid moviegoer and I give this one a very anti-ebert 2 thumbs up (16 tentacles and 100,000 slugs). The reason this movie isn't rated higher is simply it's not a great or a classic by any means. It is just a no-holds-barred good time, and sometimes thats the best time you can have in the confines of a movie theater with a fat red haired woman sitting next to you chomping her week-size tub of extra buttered popcorn and screaming every time she sees the firefly guy in danger. ....sigh....7/10
Waiting... (2005)
Waiting for realism....
I've worked in the restaurant business all of my life, and therefore was critical going in about how they would structure the comedy. I'll tell ya, some of it was dead-on accurate and extremely funny....including the "penis showing game" which I have been exposed to in past employment. While fun in it's premise, it is flawed in it's execution. The actress who plays the generic, loud, bitchy waitress is almost as annoying as listening to Barbara Streisand talk politics. The character was written right, but portrayed horribly wrong. She'd make a great porn star though. Also the Andy ?mikalowskiesneigenbager? or whatever his name is, was just retched and made me want to fast forward through every ridiculous moment. His "wannabe" friend was just as bad, and lowered the movie a complete star on my rating. I won't go on about negative things, but there aren't enough positives to continue either, so I will just shut up and only recommend this film to people looking for a movie to make fun of, or fans of fart-like comedy....good luck. 4/10