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Reviews
Vesper (2022)
Ves-perfect as it is
Less is more with this one. Rather than bog it down with excessive CGI or overblown action sequences, the filmmakers slowed the pacing and gave us a more nuanced tale. And in my opinion, it works.
In a post-apocalyptic future, a gifted girl (Vesper) with a penchant for organic biochemistry learns to navigate the bleak landscape and cope with the even bleaker tendencies of humanity, until an accident presents her with an opportunity to escape her reality and flourish her talents.
Such as it is, Vesper had a lot of creative ideas and interesting story points. As expected, it's a pretty grim view of our future, but it was nice that the CGI was sparingly used, particularly in the spore and plant effects, and her bio-cybernetic floating dad-head. I also enjoyed the bit where Vesper learns of the now-extinct animals from today.
Decent acting, decent music, great cinematography, and interesting story. They lost me a little bit with the ending though. Symbolically, I guess I get it..? But it threw me a little, not sure I get why she'd do that
7/10, would maybe watch again.
The Friendship Game (2022)
The Friendship Garbage
There's an interesting idea buried somewhere in this movie, but the plot and script are too obtuse to find it. If you could figure out what in the world was going on, you faired better than I did. The best parts of it were the opening few minutes and the closing few. The rest is all just confusing.
Was it all a dream? Whose dream was it? Did none of it happen? Did they all kill Cotton? Did Cotton kill herself? Did Robbie kill them all? What the hell was the point of the computer kid? He served no purpose that furthered the "plot" other than to make you wonder if the whole thing was a computer simulation. To that point, what was with all the characters glitching, and the computer file stuff? How did a d-bag with a haircut like that bang all 3 chicks?? The only real answer I can give you is that by end, you really won't care about any of it.
The only positive things I can say is that the acting and music were 'ok'. I hope Peyton List keeps doing horror/suspense films, despite this stinker.
4/10, would not watch again.
Snowbound (2017)
$h!tbound
By looking at the names in the credits, it's clear this is a foreign film made for an English-speaking audience. It's no excuse, however, for the piece of garbage I just watched. About the only thing this movie has going for it is boobies. Everything else about it is just awful.
Acting = terrible
Dialogue = horrible
Music = janky
Cinematography = amateur
Story = bad bad bad, by far the worst part
Nothing in this movie made sense. Why were they left naked in the woods? How did the party host get them all out there in middle of a GIANT forest so fast? How did he leave no tracks from where he deposited them? Was he watching them from a secret room? Hole in the wall? Attic? Basement? What was with the little voodoo dolls, that did nothing? Was he just making a diorama? Most importantly, why did they choose such a terrible actor for the main bad guy? His line delivery was just god-awful, in every scene. And the ending makes no sense. So the chick didn't die? Where are they all trying to walk to? Why didn't they just run away from the beginning? I don't get it at all. This whole movie is a head-scratcher. Don't waste your time.
2/10, for the many boobies. No way would I watch again.
Jeepers Creepers: Reborn (2022)
Jeepers Creepers: resh!t
**any review for this film higher than 5 stars should not be taken seriously**
Love the franchise concept, first movie was great, second and third were.. well.. but this entry is a skid mark on its legacy. This is like a fanfiction that somehow got green-lit - which, now that I think about it is probably closest to what happened.
Production value is higher than an indie-film, but it doesn't make up for how deficient it is in virtually every other factor. I think the whole budget went to the lackluster cgi and everything else got the shaft. The story is by far the worst part.
At one point, it seemed it like it was going to try to be meta when they referenced the other films directly in the dialogue of this movie, but then that just sort of went away. And then there's the tired old pregnant girl-cult sacrifice-monster needs baby angle ::facepalm:: Also the creeper just looks like a hunkered frail old man, not the imposing monster he used to be. And a lot of his powers are just forgotten here.
Disappointing entry to say the least:
Acting: 3/10 - just meh
Dialogue: 2/10 - amateur status
Story/plot: 1/10 - horrible. Just horrible. Boring, unoriginal, low energy
Cinematography: 3/10 - bad bad bad portrait layovers and most kills happen off-screen
Music: 5/10 - passable, but nothing rememberable
CGI: 3/10 - downright awful in spots. Like the crows, especially at the end when they take the creeper.
3/10, and that's me being generous since I loved the first film. Avoid unless you're a diehard of the franchise. Wouldn't watch again.
The Thing from Another World (1951)
The Thing From A Lamer World
This week, I chose to watch The Thing From Another World, a 1951 black-and-white science fiction/horror film. In it, an extraterrestrial craft crashes in the Arctic and its sole survivor is discovered by officers from a nearby base. This creature is thawed and begins wreaking havoc upon the military base, and it's up to the humans to stop it and prevent it from escaping to society.
Before watching this, I had already seen John Carpenter's 1978 film The Thing, based on the same novella as The Thing From Another World. Carpenter's film leans far more heavily on the horror and gore aspects comparatively, while TTFAW focuses a little more on the scientific study angle. This differentiation doesn't necessarily force me to prefer one over the other, although I find Carpenter's version a bit more cohesive and put-together.
TTFAW has the benefit of likely getting more people interested in science fiction and science in general, thanks to some of the wisdom and inflection from Dr. Carrington. His pleading line to Hendry, "Knowledge is more important than life, captain. We've only one excuse for existence: to think, to find out, to learn! It doesn't matter what happens to us. Nothing matters except our thinking. We've fought our way into Nature, we've split the atom... We owe it to the brain of our species to stay here and die, without destroying a source of wisdom.", will stick with me for a while. How intelligent and insightful and forward-thinking.
TTFAW, while still tense and quick-paced, moved a bit too fast in the dialogue department, such that keeping up with the character choices and unfolding plot was challenging at times. In the end, it still managed to entertain, perhaps not as well as Carpenter's version, but still worth a watch, despite the somewhat hokey alien. 6/10.
American Horror Story (2011)
American Horror Story
Top-tier acting and cast, excellent cinematography and camera work, creepy and atmospheric music, above-average special effects, and splendid story concepts carry over every season, so far.
Unfortunately, so too, does unfocused storytelling, gaping plot holes, inconsistent character actions and motivations, and.
Season 1: Murder House - a slow-burn, methodically setting up the eventual crisis that dooms the Harmon family. Top-notch acting all around, first-rate cinematography, and unsettling music contribute to the eeriness of the first season. Some unnecessary characters distract from the overall story; the gay couple meaningly contribute little to the plot, and yet they're a focal point of at least one and a half episodes. I didn't expect the entire Harmon family to perish towards the end, so that was an interesting choice. Great writing and character resolutions book end this season. It finishes with a open-ended conclusion, with Vivian's demon baby murdering his nanny and smiling, covered in blood.
8/10
Season 2: Asylum - if there was a point to the Alien angle in the season wide arc, I must've missed it. The Alien presence in this season is nothing that couldn't have been explained with any number of supernatural elements, especially considering we get *maybe* 5-7 minutes of screen time with them for the whole season. Again, superb acting, excellent cinematography, and creepy music keep you in suspense for all of Asylum. A few abrupt character resolutions leave you scratching your head, like Grace, and Alma, and others. The running side plot with the present-day Briarcliff was confusing and unnecessary. Overall though, a decent story with a decent finish for our characters this season.
6/10
Season 3: Coven - a solid season overall, is somewhat sloppy. The story is promising, but riddled with meaningless side plots; poor Evan Peters character spends the entire season as a 'zombie' with virtually no lines, and his character contributes virtually nothing to the story progress. The Misty Day side plot is another example, with her character serving for little else than to bring back other characters. And for her service, she's given an unceremonious death. Speaking of, the 7 Wonders test felt rushed, as did the conclusions of many of our characters. Also, I don't know why they didn't flesh out the Corporation of Witch Hunters story or the Voodoo cult feud - either of those would've been more interesting than what we got. In the end, our Supreme witch was not who we were expected to believe it would be, so that was cool.
7/10
Season 4: Freakshow - this one is a depressingly grim season. A lot of violent and bloody deaths for almost all of our main characters. It's a nice thing to see the representation for oddities and abnormal people, but this season makes them look angry, aggressive, and bitter. Probably not the most flattering way to portray them. The writers made up for how little they used Evan Peters last season here; so much so that this season is effectively his character Jimmy's story, if not at least shared with Jessica Lange's Elsa Mars character. Most of our freaks are killed in the final two episodes, some in quite gruesome ways. Again with some inconsistent plot follow through and inconsistent character choices - in one scene, Dell walks into a camper and Desiree has a gun pointed at him. Desiree - "we need to talk", Dell - "I want to talk to you" Desiree - "I don't want to hear you talk" 😂😂😂 come on, guys. Overall, a solid season, heavy on drama and creepiness for sure
7/10
Season 5: Hotel - started off promising, tapered off a bit towards the end, with an especially abrupt and rather unsatisfying kill-off of the season villain, the Countess. And btw, Lady Gaga turns in an impressive performance as the Countess. Her ghost returns to tie up some ends, but that raises another issue; the distinction between ghost and vampire were not clear, and I had some trouble trying to figure out who was what and why they were still there, given the time jump cutscenes. Evan Peters gives us probably my favorite of any of his characters so far, James March, played to near perfection, imo. Also, Denis O'Hare's character Liz gets probably the most-well written and touching-yet sinister send-offs for a character I've seen in AHS. Well done. As said, strong start, lackluster finish overall.
6.5/10
Season 6: Roanoke - again, started really strong, fell apart about halfway through. This season starts off focusing on the couple Shelby and Matt, but then switches around the halfway mark to be mostly Matt's sister Lee's story, which is unfortunate imo since the character of Lee is really just not likable. I didn't care for her, didn't care for her story either. The actress also didn't sell her leg being flayed and consumed very believably either, which was disappointing. Evan Peters is underutilized again this season, which is sad but a little expected given the swelling roster of returning actors every season. Speaking of, we get some small roles from Taissa Farmiga from seasons 1&3, Finn Witrock from seasons 4&5, Leslie Jordan from season 3, and a blink-and-you'd-miss-it return from Lady Gaga (she's also under heavy makeup and costume. Pretty much everyone dies this time, for some in pretty gruesome ways. Overall, strong beginning and strong premise, but fell behind as the story started wrapping up.
5.5-6/10
Season 7: Cult - I would imagine this is one of the most polarizing seasons given it's parallels to politics today. Keenly portrayed in how these societies can grow and develop, this season starts off interestingly, but i feel like in typical AHS fashion, they got a little lost in their own plot twists. There are more than a couple head-scratching moments stemming from oddball character decisions. Thankfully, it all comes back together at the end to make more sense, at least for Ally's story. Terrific acting as usual, especially from Peters and Paulson, since this season is largely theirs, with the exception of Billie Lourd - that chick can cry on cue but she has just one expression for all emotions, and it's a straight blank face. No smile, no frown, no quivering lip, no eyes lit up, no eyes squinted or strained, and to me it's just a little distracting. Nice to see Emma Roberts back, but she's killed off far too quickly. As said, solid entry, seems to get mired in the middle but mostly recovers in the finale.
7/10
Season 8: Apocalypse - total fan service season here. Light on horror, especially as we get to the real meat of the season, which is the "showdown" between Cordelia's witches from season 3 and the antichrist child of the Harmons from season 1. I use showdown in quotations because the fight touted this whole season was all build-up and anticlimactic. For all the magical training Michael did with the Warlocks, the final battle was really disappointingly non-magical - dude gets run over by a car.. literally.
To be updated as I watch further seasons.
Frankenstein (1931)
Frankenstein
Frankenstein, released in 1931, is an early example of cross-genre science fiction and horror. It portrays the eccentric Dr. Henry Frankenstein, his wild experiments and the Monster that is a product of them, and the calamity that ensues once his Monster is unleashed upon the world.
This film introduces us to some interesting and thoughtful questions on the morality of science and (in-effect) playing God, and the humanity we exhibit when experiments go awry. Our lead, Henry, has objectively shaky morals, and his ideas and theories are relegated to the fringes of science and experimentation. When he produces an amalgam of rotting flesh that his scientific research reanimates from death, his Monster is born, and immediately misunderstood.
Although we're intended to believe that our hero in this film is Henry and the townsfolk who stop the Monster's 'violent rampage', I would argue that this interpretation is not as simple as it seems. Henry makes little-to-no attempt to nuture or cultivate his Monster, instead chaining him up and caging him, and forcing obediance by exploiting the Monster's fear of fire. His assitant Fritz is even more demeaning, blatantly antagonizing and torturing the Monster for reasons that are likely just cruelty. While the Monster does eventually commit several crimes, I'd argue that his actions are less a result of evil, and more akin to a scared animal protecting itself and trying to understand the world around it.
I believe the themes in this movie worked well at its time of release; surely moviegoers got the next big movie monster they wanted, even if the good/evil themes presented seem a little dated and more in the gray today than back then. Also, even if they didn't intend to raise these interesting questions on morality, thanks to this movie and to some clever thinking, we have those questions raised now. In my view, the Monster may not be the hero of the film, but I don't think he's the clearcut villain we're made to believe he his either.
Some great (at the time) practical effects and sets, decent acting (the Baron Frankenstein, although nepotistic, misogynistic, brash, demeaning, and dismissive, had me laughing, he was almost a caricature of a wealthy old male from that time), decent music, and themes that we still think about to this day make Frankenstein endure. Worth a watch.
7/10, would watch again.
The Blob (1958)
The Blah-b
This week, I chose to watch the 1958 science fiction/horror film The Blob, starring Steve McQueen. This movie depicts the invasion of a hostile alien creature from space that kills and consumes people, and the teen townsfolk who work together to stop the creature.
This movie, like many other creature features not adapted from novels, is a product of its time. The acting and dialogue are silly in some spots, and completely unnecessary in others; the car race between the teens, and the police officer playing chess, among other sequences, add nothing substantive to the movie in any way. They really serve no purpose other than to flesh out our characters a little more, but end up being more distracting than evocative.
Additionally, I don't know who they hired to do the music, but he should've been working on another film. The score is jarring and ill-fitting at moments, to the point that it feels like we're watching a drama or love story rather than a science fiction/horror film, especially with the opening samba/beach style musical ditty, aptly named after the titular monster of this movie. This setup song completely removes any chance of suspense or fright in my view, and just makes you chuckle. But then again, that's probably what they were going for with this whole movie.
With regard to artistic substance, The Blob does little to question humanity or present any relative morality. It's clear from the start who the villain is (The Blob itself) and who the heroes are (the teens Steve and Jane). On top of that, when the creature begins killing townsfolk, everyone comes together to try and stop it. This is expected, but also rather plain. It's all over rather quickly, also, with a speedy closing montage showing our monster allegedly drop-chuted into one of the poles of the Earth to remain frozen for all-time.
In the end, The Blob still manages to entertain for an hour and a half, but that's really all it has to offer in my view; entertainment. There's no world-shaking twist to make it anything other than a space-creature hunt. It still works, just in a silly, dated way.
Some clever uses of camera angles and gelatinous substances for the practical effects, but speed and pacing are inconsistent and off. Also, Steve McQueen plays a 17-year old, but looks 34. His classmates look and sound similarly; one of the "kids" has the deepest voice for a teen I've ever heard.
5/10, don't see the need to watch again.
Pâfekuto burû (1997)
Puzzling Blue
Perfect Blue is worth watching for the world-class hand-drawn animation alone. The captivating story and themes are a welcome bonus as well. It adeptly portrays the psychological trauma and mental hardship that comes with maturation and identity crisis, as well as our perception of reality.
Perfect Blue follows the story of Mima, a member of an all-girl J-pop idol trio. Mima has aspirations to grow out of and beyond the idol persona and move into full-fledge acting. Our opening sequence establishes this desire, and also the sinister element that accompanies idol fans and admirers in the form of a disfigured and creepy fan.
We learn that Mima also has an online fan club, in the form of a diary written from her perspective, but written by a fan, not Mima. This diary expresses displeasure with Mima leaving Cham (her J-pop idol group) and regret for her career transition.
Mima is able to successfully make the transition to actress, with the help of her manager, Rumi, a former idol herself, and talent agent, Tadokoro, but at great personal cost. Mima is given a more prominent role in her feature show, at the price of her personal dignity and modesty in a brutal rape scene; despite this, and despite the objections from Rumi, Mima goes through with it.
Lingering regret and a form of psychosis take hold of Mima after this, causing her to question her sanity and reality. Not long after, many of the people surrounding her career change end up being killed, and Mima begins to wonder if she herself is responsible.
This builds up to a confrontation with the disfigured fan, who we are meant to believe is the culprit of the crimes happening around Mima's life. Mima is able to escape this rape and murder attempt, only to find herself in a mock up of her own apartment and her manager, Rumi, revealed to be the true culprit and architect of the online diary.
With this, a final reality-questioning, sanity-uncertain confrontation ensues, between Mima and Rumi's Mima persona, as Rumi chases her across town attempting to finally end Mima and take her place, restoring her own pride and glory as a former idol. Just before Rumi's demise, Mima saves her in a last desperate act.
Fast forward some time, and Rumi is now committed to a mental ward, where we see Mima visiting her. Mima is now a successful actress, and some nurses murmur under their breath whether or not the real Mima would be at a place such as that. Our final line is from Mima, looking in her vehicles rear-view proclaiming "No, I'm the real thing!"
It's easy to see why this is lauded and praised as much as it is. What the filmmakers have put to film is a master class on obsession, idolatry, and identity and sanity. Perfect Blue, although I can't figure out why it's named this way, is a captivating watch from start to finish. As long as you have the patience for animation and subtitles, it's definitely worth your time.
8/10, would definitely watch again.
Mind Game (2004)
Mind Games
What a ride! This movie is a visual feast, using several different animation styles to weave its tale. It might take a degree of patience to absorb all that Mind Games brings to the table; certainly, those who don't enjoy anime, can't handle subtitles, or aren't big on animated movies, this one's not for you.
Mind Games follows the repressed Nishi, a reserved coward and loser, and to a lesser degree his not-so-secret crush Myon and her sister Yan. A series of rapid montages littered about the film help to tell this story.
Upon a trip to Myon and Yan's father's restaurant, a couple of gang members come seeking revenge for past grievances. A tense exchange follows where Myon's fiancée is knocked out, Myon is nearly raped, and Nishi has a fatal encounter with the gang members when he finally finds his courage.
Nishi finds himself in the "lobby" before the afterlife. When ushered towards the nothingness beyond, a red portal, by a form-changing entity that is apparently "God", Nishi's spirit finally senses its courage and purpose, and he makes a break for the blue portal at the opposite end that leads back to life. "God" is impressed by Nishi's tenacity and allows him to return.
When Nishi comes back, seconds before he died, he does things differently, killing one of the gang members and stealing the others car with the girls in tow. A wild car chase ensues between our heroes and more gangsters in cars that climaxes in a spectacular bridge plunge that sees our heroes swallowed by a whale.
In the whale, the trio meets an old man who has been trapped inside for a good 30-some years. He nurtures our heroes, feeding and clothing them, and allowing them a respite from the chaos of the fatal diner ambush and ensuing car chase fiasco.
After some reflection, and learning the whale is dying and time is running out, our quartet now develops a plan to escape. Another insane sequence follows as the heroes row a boat, swim, and literally run on the water to escape the whales gullet, which eventually, all four do.
We now get an animated closing montage that mirrors the opening one, also woven with a different unfolding of events from the films beginning, showing our characters lives and choices, resulting in different life paths, with a closing tagline of "this story has never ended".
Unlike other anime films, Mind Games doesn't take a lot of mental gymnastics to understand the messages and themes. Additonally, the animation is blazing-quick, epileptic, and borderline seizure-inducing with all its flashy imagery. The story probably could've been told without all the wacky animation, but I understand why they chose this approach; to illustrate the fervish uncertainty and creativity that envelops our minds and thoughts.
Overall, if you have the patience for it, Mind Games is worth a watch, if for no other reason than to enjoy the hand-drawn artistry at play. 7/10, would watch again.
The Deadly Spawn (1983)
The Dorky Spawn
Ultra-low budget here, but it mostly works. Script is wonky, characters are odd and quirky, the story is wild, and the effects are decent, given the budget, but put it all together and it's at least entertaining.
A meteor crashes to earth and with it, a deadly alien menace takes root. Some kids from a nearby town discover it, and in their attempts to understand it, unleash it upon their families and neighborhood. Mayhem ensues.
As I said, the script is wonky. I doubt anyone does any proofreading before filming starts. Character choices are always head-scratching in movies like this. This is especially so in the eldest brother, the supposed "scientist", who for some inane reason believes that scientists shouldn't have imaginations. Umm, I thought imaginations were how hypothesis are formed.. oh well, he's kind of a douche-y character anyways.
A second-act death will catch you off-guard. I know I didn't see it coming, I thought the way they showcased that character that she'd be one of the survivors.
Some decent effects considering the budget. The alien puppetry was alright.
We close out the film on a cliffhanger, with a giant, underground alien emerging to consume the rest of the town. Sequel? Probably not, but nice try.
5/10, would maybe watch again for laughs.
Satanic Panic (2019)
Satanic Problematic
Decent, likeable characters (even the villains), decent acting, decent music, great pacing and action, decent story, but subpar plot follow through and inept dialogue.
Satanic Panic follows one insane night in the life of our hero, Sam (her name is important, it turns up multiple times throughout the film and is critical to the climax), a hard-working, down-on-her-luck cancer survivor and musical hopeful. Sam takes a job from her friend (an older, horny, creepy guy who thinks she wants him) delivering pizzas around town. Sam's inconsiderate boss sends her on a delivery to the far end of town, an upscale rich suburban neighborhood, full of eccentric wealthy families with nothing better to do than - gasp - worship Satan. The rich people don't tip, and Sam needs tip money for gas back home, so she plods in to demand a tip, and gets unwillingly and unwittingly caught up in their quest to sacrifice a virgin in order to summon Baphomet - the King of Hell. Hijinks ensue.
As stated, some plot holes and plot follow through are present here, such that it is mildly frustrating upon review. For example, our primary villain is Danica, coven leader and mother to our secondary protagonist, Judi. Danica apparently has the ability to read human intestines to determine... we don't know, and never find out. She also apparently cannot be killed by plunging a 12-inch metal tent spike through her skull and brain, but can be killed by decapitation.. a little inconsistent, no? Another example, somewhere in the 2nd act, our two heroes are staging their escape, Judi calls the villains to come get them, hangs up the phone and turns to Sam and says "remember what to do?" as she hands Sam a hammer and nails, as if they have a prearranged plan, and the next sequence shows them... running. The hammer (and plan) simply vanish. Also why did she even call to them? Their big escape "gotcha" was this haxan cloak monster created by Danica that Judi and Sam trap in a closet, that I guess they hoped would jump their pursuers. Is this supposed to stop the coven? It works for the coven. Dumb plot reasoning. I can continue, there's more, but let's move on.
The dialogue is goofy as well, especially from Judi, the foul-mouthed, sassy friend that Sam rescues from death. At one point, she is desperate to survive and escape, demanding that Sam listen to and trust her, and in almost the same breath, she also says to Sam that "it's cute you think we have any choices". Why are you bothering fighting your fate then if you don't have a choice? - Script editor fail
This movie is billed as a horror comedy, which admittedly is a tricky balance. While I still considered this one a fun ride, it delivers little in the way of laughs. Most of the comedy comes in the first act, but because the practical effects were decent, some of the gore can actually count for laughs too, so that helps. The scene with Jerry O'Connell comes to mind, when he shoots himself in the neck 🤣. Also there's a really weird bit with a giant strap-on earth-borer drill. That isn't really explained either, but sort of funny..?
There's a lot that works here, and a lot that doesn't. What doesn't work won't ruin your enjoyment, thankfully. It's still a quirky and fun ride the whole way through.
6/10, would watch again (maybe)
Slaxx (2020)
Slaxx
Goofy premise, goofy characters, a goofy story, goofy plot, but it still works... mostly. It should be obvious going in, based on the movie description, that this is a horror-comedy.
A killer pair of cutting-edge jeans - infused by the death of an Indian cotton farmer near an experimental science plot - goes on a rampage at a clothing store during a lockdown for an influencer's shopping spree. Over-the-top characters are portrayed by actors hamming up their roles, the dialogue is dark and wild, and the gore is decently done. Some of the deaths are wacky and unrealistic, but still entertaining. There's also an oddball Indian dance number towards the beginning of the second half.
The laughs are decidedly thin in the final act, and we get to the meat of the plot. As said, it's goofy, but as long as you remember it's supposed to be funny, you can enjoy it.
There should be no reason to take 'Slaxx' seriously. The humor is a little dark, and the scares are silly, but overall it works.
6/10, would probably watch again.
God Told Me To (1976)
God told me to... watch a better movie
I've seen a few other reviewers give this one a 8 or a 9 out of 10. I don't know what movie they were watching, maybe a director's cut or something. But based on what I saw here, I, personally, and in good conscience, couldn't give 'God told me to' more than a 5/10 - a 6/10 if I'm being REALLY generous.
The acting and music are fine - nothing special. The cinematography and pacing are ok. But the story is unnecessarily hard to follow. The script and dialogue are obscure and confusing, and character interactions are obtuse and opaque. I'm all for viewer interpretation and imagination, but in this case it's too much work for a movie that just isn't that awesome. I shouldn't feel like figuring out this movie is a chore.
The good news is that on first look, I thought this would be a slog. Thankfully, it's not boring, at least. We get into the meat of it quick enough. There's also plenty of religious overlay intertwined with human interpretation of subconscious messaging, which is sort of the central theme of the film. A lot of interesting ideas happening here, just not put together in the best way, in my opinion. The ending is pretty wild though.
If you're a Larry Cohen fan, you'll probably like this one. Everyone else can probably skip it, and not miss much.
5/10, wouldn't watch again.
Lifeforce (1985)
Nudeforce
This is one of those wild concept movies that not only sounds great on paper, but it also bewilderingly works when you get it on film: naked sleeping space vampires are found trailing Halley's Comet and are brought back to Earth, they regain consciousness, and calamity ensues.
Aliens - who inspired the vampires of lore - have been visiting Earth with every visit from Halley's Comet, and they drain the energy from humans to sustain themselves, and have been for centuries. An exploratory mission to study Halley's Comet awakens them, and disaster unfolds. The exploratory ship returns them to Earth, where they awaken again and disaster unfolds on Earth on a large scale. It's up to the last remaining survivor of the exploration mission to save the earth, with the help of a RAF colonel.
There's a lot to love in Lifeforce; the acting is better than average, the practical effects are top notch, the music is good, the story is wacky, and more. Swords, blood, spaceships, zombies, and our lead vampire/alien spends the majority of the film completely naked, for those boobie fans (and she's certainly not hard on the eyes either) - it really just about has it all, even a pre-TNG Patrick Stewart.
Give this one a watch, you won't be disappointed.
7/10 would watch again.
Invaders from Mars (1986)
Insanity from Mars
Saw this on Shudder recently. I'm not sure it belongs there, since it's not scary or gory at all. Maybe because it's a Tobe Hooper film.
This is a wacky ride. Nonsensical and silly, this movie is perfectly enjoyable despite its whimsy.
The music is decent, the acting is goofy but passable, the script is odd, the story and plot are bonkers, and you really have to suspend your disbelief to accept the sequence of events - like, how is a *kid going to convince army MPs to let him through an armed barricade and across a military/NASA base to have a one-on-one with the base General... c'mon... - but the practical effects used here are top notch for their time. And that's really the shining star of this movie; the elaborate sets and practical alien effects.
Kai Winn from DS9 fame takes a turn as a nosy, snooty, overbearing elementary schoolteacher in this one. Not a far departure from her role in DS9.
There's also no way - NO WAY - you can convince me that the brain alien didn't inspire Krang from TMNT (since this apparently came first). Too many similarities.
All in all, not a bad watch. It was enjoyable, if wackadoo.
6/10 would watch again, for effects alone.
Await Further Instructions (2018)
Await a Better Movie
There is *not one bit* of humor or joy throughout this whole film. Not one. Not even a small joke or wisecrack between family members. And for a holiday family movie, every one of these characters seem to straight up DESPISE one another.
The entire movie, from start to finish, is just one big mess. It's disjointed, the scenes are jumbled and miss-timed, the music is forgettable, the character decisions are outlandish and bizarre, and on and on. The one positive thing I have to say is that the acting is fairly decent, despite the wacky script and story. Speaking of the story, plot holes are abound, likely forgotten on the editing room floor, along with anything else that might make this movie better.
Kudos to the filmmakers, however, for portraying perhaps the most racist, ignorant, duplicitous, numb-skulled, and uncaring families I've seen on film.
Pass this one right on by, even if you're a fan of alien horror. You won't be missing anything you'd regret not seeing.
2/10 (just for the decent acting), absolutely wouldn't watch again.
The Seed (2021)
The Suck (thumbs down)
"Meh" is about the best I can muster to describe 'The Seed'. Largely devoid of humor and action, it's a little bit of a slog to get to "the meat" of this film. The acting, the score, the cinematography, the effects and the dialogue are all passable, but not exceptional. The story is less than stellar, the pacing is slow, and the characters are horrid.
Right off the bat, our three leads are made largely unlikeable, to the point that we really don't care what happens to them. They're drinking, druggy, foul-mouthed, social media-obsessed (two of them), ditzy attention-whores. This is an odd choice in my opinion, since their character writing and motivations are inconsequential to their fates. It just makes your viewer lose interest somewhat when none of them are really likeable. It isn't until the 2nd act that "the wildcard" of our trio begins to awaken and emerge as our "heroine", so to speak. Even then, her journey is less than noteworthy.
Our middle act introduces us to the alien, it's abilities (mind-control), and it's apparent intentions (seducing and impregnating humans for reproduction). Practical effects are used for the creature, and they are decent, but again not exceptional. The trippy mind-control segments are decent as well. It's in this act that we have a noteworthy montage where our three leads, all small women, mix just about every type of drug there is and somehow avoid overdosing or hospitalization. Suspend your disbelief here.
When we get into the final act, things pick up, slightly. We get to pretty much the only action of the film, although it's towards the finale, and it's disappointingly anti-climactic. We're left with a somewhat open ending (more aliens inbound).
All-in-all, not the worst I've seen, but definitely could've been better. 5/10, wouldn't watch again.
The Thing (1982)
The Terrific Thing
This is how horror should be done.
'The Thing' is one of the greats. A masterful blend of suspense, action, mystery, science-fiction, and gore, this movie does right what a great many others have done wrong. And even after repeat views, it's enjoyment holds up.
The acting is top-tier, the score is eerie and thrilling, the effects are genuine and creative, and the story works from top to bottom. Pacing is great, cinematography is effective, and the characters are relatable and well-written.
If I had to nitpick anything, at all, it would be some of the dialogue. It's a little goofy in spots. But it doesn't detract from enjoyment of the movie in any way.
8-9/10, absolutely would watch again.
They Live (1988)
They Control Us
Cleverly written and crafted, 'They Live' is political and social commentary adapted for sci-fi unlike just about anything else out there.
Importantly, the themes in this movie cover gross over-consumerism, needy materialism, greed, and a working-class level of society being manipulated and controlled by a power-hungry upper-class (in this case, aliens) with an assist from the unscrupulous, also-greedy scoundrels of humanity that care more for a taste of power themselves than the well-being of their own kind.
To touch on these themes, 'They Live' takes us through the journey of John Nada (Roddy Piper), a dim-witted but well-meaning blue-collar workman. Nada meets and teams up with Frank (Keith David), another blue-collar guy doing what he can to support his family. After finding a pair of glasses that allows the wearer to see the true nature of the advertising abound in every corner of the city, as well as the true nature of some of the upper class, who turn out to be aliens in human disguises, Nada and Frank work to stop the aliens from sending any further signals and exerting even more control over humanity, and to push back against the continued oppression from the upper class.
Witty and fun, 'They Live' is enjoyable from start to finish. It's also thought-invoking, socially relevant, relatable and reflective, and it's messaging stays with you long after you've finished watching. There's also a highly entertaining extended fight scene (~5 or so minutes) in an alley between Nada and Frank.
This one is one of Carpenter's stronger films, in my opinion. 7-8/10, definitely would watch again.
Stridulum (1979)
The Visi-Turd
I saw Lance Henrikson on the cast list here and thought I'd found a decent sci-fi film. I was terribly, terribly wrong.
Everything about this film was just a mess. The camera work was awful, the music was jarring and ill-fitting, the actors didn't sell their parts, and the story is just incomprehensible. The only one who seemed to take their role even sort of seriously was Henrikson, but even he couldn't save this one.
Hardly anything in this movie makes any sense. The scene transitions are bonkers, the characters act nonsensically in their circumstances, the music is obnoxious and out-of-place for the scenes, and the plot - its wildly convoluted and hard to follow.
I could go on and continue to bash this movie up and down, come up with new insulting phrases, but you get the idea. It might qualify for so-bad-it's-good, I know I laughed at how terrible it was.
2/10, D- wouldn't watch again.
Fried Barry (2020)
Fried Bulls%#@
If there was a plot for this movie, either I missed it or the director forgot to include it. After what I saw in Fried Barry, I'm inclined to think it's the latter.
This was sprinkled with sparse, nonsensical dialogue, which was mostly drug lingo and swear words, along with bizarre musings from passersby.
Each scenario just felt like a scene being filmed from a checklist. The only common thread between them was Barry. Other than that, it was a messy hodgepodge of sequences with goofy goings-on, little cause, and even less reason to care as it drags on.
I will say that visually, the filmmakers captured the essence of drug-induced calamity, with a smattering of clever camera tricks and lighting and such. Also, the Barry actor decently pulled off the fish-out-of-water, stranger-in-a-strange-land act pretty well.
Classified as a horror/comedy, but there's very little horror, and also very little humor. The alien angle is also sparingly present, really only at the beginning and end.
Overall, a C grade effort from me. 5/10 wouldn't watch again.
Pánico en el Transiberiano (1972)
Horror Express
Worth watching just for Peter Cushing and Christopher Lee together in the same film. Telly Savalas also turns in a funny performance as himself in a Cossack captains coat.
The special effects were impressive for their time. Solid story, decent pacing, 1st-rate acting, but really not scary. Suspenseful would be a better descriptor. The nice little alien twist towards the end was neat, also. Overall, a worthwhile watch for classic horror fans.
B+\A-, would watch again.
La región salvaje (2016)
The Undirected
The acting, the cinematography, the soundtrack, and the sets/locations are all well above average.
The plot and direction of the movie are less so, unfortunately.
Truly, many parts of this film are simply gorgeous to watch. It just doesn't really go anywhere, though. None of the characters are very likable (the Veronica character ends up serving little purpose, and her story arc goes almost nowhere consequential to the film), and the sci-fi element is just that; an element. The Untamed plays more heavily as a character drama rather than an alien sci-fi or a horror film.
I wouldn't call this a waste of time; there's a lot to enjoy here. It was clearly a passion project and the effort shows. It's just an incredibly slow burn with almost no brevity or humor. Be prepared for very little action, only a few creepy moments, and a good deal of nudity.
C+, would watch again, reluctantly though.
U.F.O. Abduction (1989)
The McPherson Trash
The good thing is this is just over an hour, so its not too terribly long.
The bad thing is this is just over an hour, and it feels way longer. Because its not good.
At its time, this might've been enjoyable for some. It hasn't aged well, and its micro-budget shows.
There are exactly two "exciting" moments in this film. Virtually no humor, nothing scary, and lackluster "action". Just that annoying shaky camera and horrible viewing angles common for the found-footage style.
The acting is passable. Nothing special. The oldest brother is kind of a d-bag. Also, not one person in this movie has the name McPherson - character, cast, or crew.. so I have no clue where the movie name comes from.
D+, wouldn't watch again.