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Jordan-11
Reviews
Nothing to Lose (1997)
The funniest film of 1997
Normally a film such as this would not garner my highest rating. However, Tim Robbins and Martin Lawrence are fabulous here, displaying excellent timing (see Lawrence's line "please don't kill me, freaky Jason"), and Patrick Cranshaw as Henry the clerk is unbelievably funny.
Lawrence and Robbins avoid the Tucker-Sheen trap here, and much credit should also go to Odekerk for both his behind-the-scenes skills and his wonderful cameo as a security guard.
I know, I know, some of you hated this film. Just remember, some of you also enjoyed "Toys" and "The Stupids." I will admit that almost everyone involved in "Nothing to Lose" has flubbed in other movies, but here, I can honestly say that I can watch the "there's a spider on your head" routine for six hours straight.
That's good enough for me.
Mac and Me (1988)
Okay, the product placement?
So this movie was bad, right? I mean, I understand the "E.T."- slash-Reese's Pieces combo, but Mac the alien and McDonald's? Come on. The dance number . . . more bumbling mobsters . . . or were they government agents? I don't know; it was bad, leave me alone.
Interestingly, the young lady who works at McDonald's (The neighbor?) was marginally attractive, yet her other film roles are nonexistent.
Oh, and did I ask why no one lost their mind when they realized that THERE IS AN ALIEN BEING IN THE MINIVAN?!?
Finally, I know it's a McDonald's movie, but it was a little too weird P.C. for me--one of the kids was Wheels from the BK Kids Club sans the wig and bad glasses.
Bad.
At First Sight (1999)
How incredibly bad is this movie?
First of all, a note to director Irwin Winkler: one "powerful" monologue per ninety minutes is okay. Maybe. However, one every five minutes is not. You're not revolutionary, you're sloppy. Monologues with bad, supposedly uplifting background music do not replace plot or motivation or emotion. This is your last warning, Irwin.
Secondly, a note to whomever wrote the adapted screenplay, or, really, to everybody who was involved with this film in any way: doctors should know what's going on. Now, I'm not a doctor, but I do know that when an adult who has been blind since toddler-hood has his sight restored, adapting to this new sense will be very difficult. How does this come as a surprise to *anyone* in the film, especially the "best . . . on the eastern seaboard"?
I almost forgot: no one in the film is likable or sympathetic, not Sorvino, not Kilmer, and certainly not McGillis. The only exception is the always flamboyant Nathan Lane, who, while not especially good, was tolerable.
Never again.
The Stupids (1996)
Unacceptable.
Okay, in the first place, Tom Arnold is not funny. Ever. He's not funny. Got it? Secondly, Tom Arnold is not funny. Did I fail to mention the lack of funniness that is Tom Arnold? Now, the last movie I shut off before its conclusion was Robin Willams' "Toys" (also not funny). This movie, however, is somehow unfunnier than "Toys," or "Apocalypse Now," or "Platoon." It's anti-funny. I was actually in a less happy mood when it was over. Not because I wasted my time, but because it was simply so unfunny. You know what the opposite of funny is? "The Stupids." Now, it's not the worst movie ever, not by a long shot, but one could say that it is not funny. In any point. During any scene. Even conceptually? Not funny.
Toys (1992)
Not funny. Not interesting. Not good.
Guess what's not a funny movie? That's right, Robin Willams' opus "Toys," in which he stars with such comedic trail-blazers as LL Cool J and the always effervescent Joan Cusack, who, surprisingly, are not funny. Now let's get past the unfunniness for a moment. Willams et al fight the bad toys (tanks, planes, whatever) with good toys. Want to know how? By making the good toys fight. What a lovely idea. Let's recap. LL Cool J: not funny. Joan Cusack: lucky to be John's sister. Robin Williams: get back on "it." You know what I'm talking about. Just trust me. And finally, LL Cool J, not funny.
Beethoven (1992)
Ladies and Gentlemen: Sir Charles Grodin
Do you enjoy movies with excessive groin biting, stupid mobsters (see "Blank Check"), nauseating cuteness, and the precise timing and rapier wit of Charles Grodin? Then, God help us, Beethoven is for you. Memo to David Duchovny: start buying the copies before the kids who watch this are old enough to stay up for X-Files. It's called credibility, Dave, look into it. Watching Beethoven in the theaters is wonderful. Just me and a friend, and a Mormon family, who, after walking into the theater seventy-five minutes late, gave us dirty looks for yelling well-deserved sarcastic remarks at the screen. "Beethoven" is for people who think "Blankman" was robbed at the Oscars.
Hobgoblins (1988)
How Did They Do It?
It is incomprehensible that this movie was approved by anyone, anywhere, under any circumstances. Forget "Plan 9 from Outer Space," forget "Manos, the Hands of Fate," forget even "Yusei Oji" (also known as "Prince of Space"). Those three films are brilliant masterworks compared to the brutally poor "Hobgoblins." I can only hope that writer/director/producer Rick Sloane is an unrecognized genius past his classical stage and into his abstract stage. To loosely paraphrase a well-recognized theater critic who spoke of a similarly bad work: "There are now two types of people: those who have seen 'Hobgoblins,' and the lucky ones." May the gods of cinema save us from another film like this stinker. Amen.