- Vice-Principal Nero: I need a few minutes to rosin my bow.
- Count Olaf: Don't say that in front of the children.
- Violet Baudelaire: You can never give up!
- Klaus Baudelaire: You can never give up if you find yourself in terrible circumstances. You must keep struggling.
- Violet Baudelaire: You must struggle until you find a safe place to live!
- Klaus Baudelaire: You must struggle until you find noble and reliable friends.
- Violet Baudelaire: You must struggle!
- Klaus Baudelaire: And struggle.
- Violet Baudelaire: Until the world can see who you really are!
- Count Olaf: I was young. I was finding myself. You know, trying out new fashion, new music, playing with matches.
- Lemony Snicket: This story ends the way all stories end - with the motto of Prufrock Preparatory School. That motto is, "Memento Mori," and it means...
- Count Olaf: Remember, you will die.
- Hook-Handed Man: I had it tough at school too. Did I ever tell you what my nickname was?
- Count Olaf: Did you ever tell me what your name was?
- Vice-Principal Nero: O.K., everyone, settle down.
- Count Olaf: Settle down? Do you hear what Vice Principal Shapiro just said?
- Vice-Principal Nero: Nero.
- Count Olaf: How often I hear those words come out of people's ears and into my mouth. "Settle," a word which here means, "Settling for less" and, "Down." My personal least favorite direction. Let me tell you a story. Some years ago, a woman came to me. She needed my help. "Coach Genghis," she said to me, "I'm a failure. I have no job. My love life is in the pits. I can't seem to lose these last 20 lbs." I bet that describes just about each and every one of you. Am I right?
- Vice-Principal Nero: They're schoolchildren.
- Count Olaf: Exactly. And what did I say to her? Do you think I told her to settle down?... I told her to stand up. I told her to actualize and incentivize. I told her to keep her eyes in the clouds and her feet on the stars. Do you know what happened? She died in a mysterious fire.
- Vice-Principal Nero: Wait, what?
- Count Olaf: Settling down is what losers do.
- [last lines]
- Lemony Snicket: If you have lost a friend, you know it makes your world feel incomplete, like a puzzle with a piece missing, or one half of a broken spyglass. I'm sorry to tell you that this story does not end with the rescue of two brave and noble triplets. This story ends the way all stories end. With the motto of Prufrock Preparatory School. That motto is "memento mori," and it means...
- Count Olaf: Remember, you will die.
- [chuckles deviously]
- Count Olaf: My whole life is just going around and around in circles, like one of those things a hamster plays on before you put it in the oven.
- Count Olaf: My body is a temple. I would never sully my skin the way so many young people do nowadays, with their hedonistic lifestyle of loud music and abstinence.
- Violet Baudelaire: This knot's called the Devil's Tongue. It was invented by female Finnish pirates in the 15th Century.
- Lemony Snicket: It can sometimes be overwhelming to witness the series of unfortunate events that rumble through one's life, like a mysterious automobile with its engine running. Which is why some people need to excuse themselves from time to time to a place where the world is quiet. Like a crystal ball, ready for anyone who has an important question.
- Lemony Snicket: If you have ever lost a friend, you know that it makes your world feel incomplete, like a puzzle with a piece missing or one half of a broken spyglass.
- Librarian: In a world too often governed by corruption and arrogance, it can be difficult to stay true to one's philosophical and literary principles.
- Lemony Snicket: In a world too often governed by corruption and arrogance, it can be difficult to stay true to one's philosophical and literary principles. It's something you don't need to hear twice, because you already know that it is so.
- Lemony Snicket: "School spirit" is a curious term. The phrase might sound as if it refers to a ghost or other undead phantasm haunting an educational establishment like very old gum clinging to a trophy case. What "school spirit" actually refers to is the belief one particular school is better than another.
- All: Our particular school is better than others!
- Lemony Snicket: Though, as the Baudelaires were about to learn, there are worse things that can haunt a school.
- Count Olaf: This school has a new kind of spirit energy. A sense of unity and joy which you usually cannot find unless you are at a birthday party or a public hanging.
- Arthur Poe: I'm Arthur Poe from Mulctuary Money Management.
- Count Olaf: I know who you are.
- Arthur Poe: Really? You do?
- Count Olaf: Uh, it's my job to know. I'm a gym teacher.
- Arthur Poe: Obviously. You're a grown man wearing athletic shoes.
- Count Olaf: My whole life is just going around and around in circles. Like one of those things a hamster plays on before you put it in the oven.
- Lemony Snicket: Sitting with friends, talking about something important is one of the most powerful and necessary forces in the world. It is the way so many noble organizations begin, with a conversation between associates or even brothers.
- Count Olaf: Tell me, would you ever be interested in a self-actualization workshop held in the vault of your bank?
- Count Olaf: Hey, Gomorrah! Sass!
- Mr. Remora: It's Mrs. Bass, and my name is Remora.
- Count Olaf: We'll find out who's full of "remora" soon enough.
- Violet Baudelaire: The whole school is falling for the treachery of an unhinged villain!
- Duncan Quagmire: That always happens at pep rallies.
- Larry: [Quoting Jack London] "He laughed at his own foolishness. As he laughed, he noted the numbness in his bare fingers. Also, he noted that the feeling which had first come to his toes when he sat down was already fading away. He wondered whether the toes were warm or whether they were numb. He moved them inside the moccasins."
- Count Olaf: Do you hear what Vice Principal Nero just said? "Settle down." How often I hear those words come out of people's ears and into my mouth. "Settle," a word which here means "settling for less," and "down," my personal least favorite direction.
- Mr. Poe: You can't argue with technology.
- Count Olaf: Well said, Hat Stevens. You must be a very self-actualized person.
- Klaus Baudelaire: This man is Count Olaf, and we can prove it.
- Violet Baudelaire: Count Olaf, who is wanted for questioning by the authorities, for fraud, theft, murder, and child endangerment.
- Henchperson Of Indeterminate Gender: And arson.
- Mrs. Bass: Question two: "What are the dimensions of the vault at Mulctuary Money Management?" Question three: "How far apart, in decimeters, are the security cameras?"
- Count Olaf: [to Klaus] My body is a temple, young man. I would never sully my skin the way so many young people do nowadays with their hedonistic lifestyle of loud music and abstinence.