- Johnny Carson: Where did the three balls come from? On the pawn shop? You know, where - that's the... the loan...
- John Larroquette: I think that's because they own two of yours when you leave.
- John Larroquette: [on road trips with his son] Plus, my son is 13 now. That's like - it's like being in a phone booth with a pit bull.
- Anthony Griffith: I was able to participate in a seminar to develop ways to fight drug abuse for our youngsters. And one way I came up with was to simply show them pictures of what we used to wear in the '60s and '70s. "You see this shot with the collar going all the way down to the elbow? This is what happens when you take drugs."
- Roy Blount Jr.: Woodrow Wilson once said, "I should never need to read another book, if I could but spend twenty minutes with the man who wrote it." - which is one of the dumbest things an American president ever said.
- Roy Blount Jr.: I like to go to little places, where they have places that sell - have signs out front that say: "Live Bait, Sandwiches, and Video Rentals". You know?
- Johnny Carson: Americana.
- Roy Blount Jr.: I don't usually buy the sandwiches there because, uh, sometimes there's not a comma between "Live Bait" and "Sandwiches".