Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV Series)

The Night Shift (2016)

Andy Samberg: Jake Peralta

Photos 

Quotes 

• Rosa Diaz : Night shift is boring. Listen to the cases I've had: Drunk and disorderly, drunk and disorderly, cyber crime...

  Jake Peralta : Ooh, cyber crime. Pretty cool.

  Rosa Diaz : Caught a drunk guy humping a laptop.

• Jake Peralta : Nuh-uh, I'm not gonna let the night shift win. Me and my main man Boyle are about to solve a case. Isn't that right, Charles?

  Charles Boyle : Oh, you know we will. We'll call ourselves the Night Boys.

  Jake Peralta : Kind of sounds like a male escort service.

  Charles Boyle : The Midnight Men.

  Jake Peralta : Even worse.

  Charles Boyle : The Dark Stallions.

  Jake Peralta : Looks like we're going with the Night Boys.

• Jake Peralta : [Jake stops a car, while in pursuit of a criminal]  Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. NYPD. NYPD, I need to commandeer this vehicle.

  Jess Day : It's a crossover!

  [Jake looks at her in question] 

  Jess Day : It's a crossover SUV, and you can't have it.

  Jake Peralta : I'm a cop, can you please get out of the car?

  Jess Day : No, this Schmidt's mom's car, and I'm more scared of her than I am of some two-bit thug.

  Jake Peralta : I'm not a thug, I'm police.

  Jess Day : Okay, then name one law.

  Jake Peralta : Don't kill people.

  Jess Day : That's on me, I set the bar too low.

  Jake Peralta : Look, can you please just get out?

  Jess Day : Okay, you can drive, but I'm not getting out.

  Jake Peralta : Right.

  Jess Day : Also, I have the seat warmer on, I don't just have a really hot butt.

• Jake Peralta : [Reacting to the gang's intervention, who are trying to give him a haircut]  Wait, wait, okay, okay, okay. Stop, stop, stop, stop. I'll admit it.

  [sotto voce] 

  Jake Peralta : I went too deep down there in Florida. At one point, I think I forgot where the tip of me ended, and the base of the tips began.

• Gina Linetti : I personally like the night shift. You know who else is up right now?

  Jake Peralta : Murderers? Armed robbers?

  Gina Linetti : [Australian accent]  Australians. It's an whole new demographic for me to conquer.

  [normal voice] 

  Gina Linetti : I already have the third most followers behind Iggy Azalea and the Perth Zoo Wallaby cam.

• Jake Peralta : [Jake and Charles try to solve a case by role-playing as two French burglars]  But then, we hear a sound...

  Charles Boyle : ...and I yell, "Les gendarmes! Ils sont ici!"

  Jake Peralta : And I know what that means because I'm French, but I ask you to repeat it in English, just to be sure.

• Jake Peralta : Sure, yeah, not a problem we'll be home by sunup. Just like a couple of sexy "Twilight" vampires.

  [as Dracula] 

  Jake Peralta : I am Robert Pattinson. I vant to turn into a bat.

  [normal voice] 

  Jake Peralta : I've never seen the movies.

  Charles Boyle : No, me neither. They're an insult to the books.

• Jess Day : I can't believe this is happening. Thanks a lot, New York. You know what, if your city's so great, then how come it's not the state capital?

  Jake Peralta : What? Who cares about the state's capital? This is the concrete jungle where dreams are made of. That doesn't sound right - "where dreams are made of"?

  Jess Day : I don't know, you tell me. It's your dumb city.

  Jake Peralta : It's grammatically odd. Whatever, I'm sure wherever you're from has strange songs written about it, too.

  Jess Day : Los Angeles?

  Jake Peralta : Damn it, all the songs there are so good.

• Jake Peralta : [Apologizing to Boyle]  Well, I kept talking about how I wanted everything to go back to normal, but if that actually happened, this little guy wouldn't be here. Or is he big? I don't know what size kids are supposed to be, or anything about kids, really.

• Jake Peralta : Damn it! They got away!

  Jess Day : Well, I spilled my soup! You tell me which is worse.

  Jake Peralta : My thing! Very clearly my thing!