- [Rebecca is giving Mr. Fuzzypants a bath]
- Rebecca Brand: You're the best gift I ever got!
- Tom Brand: Just drown me.
- Tom Brand: How'd I get into this?
- Felix Perkins: You haven't been there for your family. You're gonna be stuck inside this cat until you makes things right.
- Tom Brand: But I hate cats!
- Felix Perkins: That's what makes this so perfect.
- Felix Perkins: You look familiar.
- Tom Brand: [annoyed] I'm Tom Brand, I own FireBrand...?
- Felix Perkins: Yesss. I use newspaper in the poopy boxes and I see your face all the time.
- Rebecca Brand: [Lara is cutting the cake] We could save some for Daddy!
- Madison Camden: Just put in the freezer next to last year's slice.
- Lara Brand: [Gives Madison a stern look]
- Madison Camden: What?
- [Rebecca puts a bow in the fur of Mr. Fuzzypants and holds a mirror to show him]
- Rebecca Brand: Look!
- Tom Brand: Seriously?
- Tom Brand: Sooooo... Today's the big day. Have you thought about what you want?
- Rebecca Brand: I want a cat.
- Tom Brand: Well, I don't think our building takes pets.
- Rebecca Brand: You *own* the building!
- Nicole Camden: [from trailer] Smile for Instagram!
- [takes a photo of Mr. Fuzzypants]
- Tom Brand: Hey! No, no, no, no! Back off!
- [kicks the phone from Nicole's hand]
- Nicole Camden: Hey!
- [Mr. Fuzzypants skids the phone on the floor and into the toilet]
- Nicole Camden: Ew!
- Tom Brand: Nailed it.
- [repeated line]
- Tom Brand: Nailed It
- Tom Brand: [His ex turns up] Oh great Satan's come over for dinner
- Tom Brand: [to his ex] I thought you died of a botched Botox injection
- Tom Brand: Who needs a litter box
- [pees in his ex wife's handbag]
- Tom Brand: [last lines]
- Tom Brand: [When refused a dog] So that's a no then?
- Tom Brand: I HATE Karma
- Tom Brand: [Failing to land properly on his feet] You think it's easy you try it?
- [repeated line]
- Tom Brand: Ow that smarted
- Madison Camden: [to her son] Remember you said Mommy is dad a vampire?
- Tom Brand: [Sarcastically] That's because you sucked all the blood out of me
- Tom Brand: I am not eating cat food.
- Felix Perkins: You'll eat cat food or else.
- Tom Brand: Oh, I'm ten pounds and covered in fur. What else could you possibly do to me?
- Felix Perkins: This cat has not been fixed.
- Tom Brand: [Whispers] Don't you dare!
- Lara Brand: Oh, should I take him to the vet?
- Tom Brand: Perkins...
- Felix Perkins: Let's wait...
- Tom Brand: ...if you so much as lay a finger on my...
- Felix Perkins: ...He's made progress. He's gonna be better now.
- Tom Brand: [Continues ranting, unintelligible]
- Felix Perkins: If he isn't eating his cat food or using his poopy box, give me a call. I'll clip him myself. You hear that Mr. Fuzzypants?
- Ian Cox: No I can handle the SEC. Just get me on the phone with Goldman.
- Felix Perkins: Sir. You might want to hang up.
- Ian Cox: Excuse me?
- Felix Perkins: You're not going to like where this call is going.
- Ian Cox: Thank you. Sorry some nutcase. Listen we can still take him to court.
- [a taxi cab hits Ian]
- Felix Perkins: Ian. Ian? Gotta be honest. I don't know how you're gonna get out of this.
- Ian Cox: [shown in a cat's body] I hate cats.
- Felix Perkins: That's what makes this so perfect.
- Lara Brand: [On phone with Tom Brand] Hi, Tom.
- Tom Brand: Yes, I know, I'm late!
- Lara Brand: You need to be here and you have to bring an exceptional gift.
- Madison Camden: I keep the files around lets me remember when I had the money
- Tom Brand: [Sarcastically on their divorce] Well at least you got half
- Felix Perkins: I wouldn't take that call Ian hang up
- [Ian carries on conversing into a cell phone and is promptly run over]
- Felix Perkins: [last lines]
- Ian Cox: [Now stuck in a cat as his comatose body is wheeled away] But I HATE Cats!
- Felix Perkins: [Smugly repeating what he told Tom] That's why it makes this so perfect
- Nicole Camden: Hey. My mom said you needed company right now so i'm volunteering my time.
- Lara Brand: I kind of wanna be alone right now.
- Nicole Camden: You should go wash your face. Crying really doesn't work with your complexion.
- [Lara goes to the bathroom while Nicole is alone with the cat]
- Nicole Camden: She's a wreck.
- Tom Brand: [sees Nicole writing the words crybaby on her smartphone and snatches it]
- Nicole Camden: Hey!
- Tom Brand: [the cat runs with the phone and comes to Lara who then picks it up]
- Nicole Camden: Your stupid cat took my..
- Lara Brand: Why would you share this?
- Nicole Camden: I wanted to show some boys. If they see you when you're vulnerable they'll wanna take care of you and..
- Lara Brand: You sent this one to half our class.
- Nicole Camden: That was a joke.
- Lara Brand: You know what my dad is in the hospital. Explain the joke to me.
- Nicole Camden: I was just trying to help. That's what friends do.
- Lara Brand: You know what my mom is friends with your mom and i see you over here a lot. but stop pretending Nicole. We're Not Friends!
- [she drops Nicole's smartphone into the toilet]
- Nicole Camden: I can't believe you just did that!
- [she goes to the toilet to get her smartphone out]
- Lara Brand: Good work but why did you grab her phone?
- Tom Brand: Because I'm your daddy.
- Nicole Camden: [holding her smartphone that's all wet] Ew!
- Felix Perkins: Okay, cats.
- Tom Brand: I'm sorry?
- Felix Perkins: Let's do this.
- [Turns Brand into a cat]