- Jess admits she might be in possession of certain illegal substances, which complicates Winston's plans as the loft must pass a home visit and a background check as a part of his police academy training. Schmidt kisses Cece.
- Around the table at breakfast, Winston announces that his police academy background check is today. Coach has a plan to hit the outlet malls, finishing up with a sweet treat for the road. Jess has to focus the group after Winston says he fails out of the academy if he doesn't pass the check.
Jess cancels her plans with Cece to hear about her date with Paul. But she is not pleased to learn that the check involves a home visit.
Winston explains it's being performed by Lt. Tess Durado. They call her "the Fish." He thinks they call her the fish because she's tough but fair. Schmidt explains that durado is a subset of mahi mahi that pairs well with citrus.
When the guys see Jess is anxious about the cops going through their things they make up things they might find, like a stolen kiss in an envelope. Jess announces she has a bag of meth in her closet.
In Jess' room, the guy's demand answers. Jess explains she bought at ottoman at a garage sale and found the bag inside. She pulls it out. It's a gallon sized Ziploc, full of meth. They scramble to keep Winston away.
Nick is on the verge of panicking because he doesn't lie well. "Lying makes me sweat, I can't lie. It's why I don't play poker or talk to pregnant ladies," he says.
They try to brainstorm where to hide the meth, while Nick plugs his ears and sings "Landslide" because if he sees where they put it, he'll just blurt it out when Durado gets there. Jess leaves Cece a message asking for help.
Jess tosses the bag to Schmidt to get rid of it and it explodes all over the floor. Durado and Winston are in the elevator on the way up as Coach, Jess and Schmidt pick up crystals with their hands as Nick sings to himself.
When Winston comes in the loft,t he meth is nowhere in sight, but Jess's boobs are bigger and lumpy.
Durado sits down to interview the group, setting ground rules that include them not asking her any questions. She offers up personal facts to kick things off: she has two brothers that were killed in separate plane crashes and she likes music.
Jess's boobs shift. Coach offers Durado grapes to cover.
Then Cece busts in and says she got the message. She's about to ask where the meth is when Schmidt stands up and kisses her to shut her up. Then he whispers: "Play along or Jess goes to jail."
When Durado asks Jess why Winston would make a good cop, her boobs noisily shift again and she excuses herself to go to the bathroom. Winston follows her.
Durado asks anyone to answer why he'd make a good cop. Nick says: "Mustache." When Coach and Schmidt try to answer, they end up making up a boy named Duquan that Winston mentors at the Boys and Girls Club.
Outside the bathroom, Winston asks Jess what's wrong with her boobs. She says it's her cycle. He notes that she's 10 days early and his calendar must be way off on her. "Aw, Winston, some day you're going to make some lucky girl really uncomfortable," Jess says. She asks him to send Cece.
In the living room, when Durado says she's going to call the Boys & Girls Club to talk to Duquan, Coach says she can't because he's on his way here, just like he does every Saturday. Coach leaves to go pick fake Duquan up at the bus stop.
Cece joins Jess in the bathroom, where's she's furiously trying to stuff crystals down the shower drain. She also thinks the meth entered her system through her "boob skin." Cece suggests they try the toilet instead. It burbles and clogs then starts overflowing.
In Winston's room, the stress has caused Nick to completely sweat through his shirt in the back, so Schmidt puts him in a kimono.
Durado hears the pipes clanging and asks for an explanation, but the guys suggest it's just the girls trying on jewelry.
When Schmidt goes to check in on the bathroom, Winston demands answers from Nick. To avoid lying, Nick poorly moonwalks out of the room.
In the bathroom, they've sopped up the toilet water with towels, so Schmidt uses his shirt as he interrogates Cece about her date. Jess is frantic and keeps announcing that she's on drugs. When it won't go down the sink drain she says "hats off to the hill billy that made this meth," and Winston hears.
Jess claims it's legal meth for her cramps. Schmidt realizes no one is with Nick.
Nick is alone with Durado and near passing out from struggling to keep from blurting out that there's meth in the apartment. He starts singing "Landslide" again.
Cece and Schmidt try to interrupt Nick with Durado but she insists on talking to him alone, saying she's never seen someone sweat so much, it looks like his body his crying. He tries to keep quiet then says he'll talk and begins by confessing: "When I was 13 I once made love to myself behind a post office."
Out on the street looking for a stand-in Duquan, Schmidt pulls up to kids playing basketball. First he asks one to get in his car, then he tells him he needs him to come home for his friend, then he says he needs him to pretend to be in a relationship with a grown man. Then he drives off.
In the hallway, Schmidt continues to object to Cece's date with Paul, so she tells him it was with Mark-Paul Gosselaar. Schmidt gives in and asks only if he can come to the wedding. When she admits she was kidding, Schmidt tells her she made him have bad feelings about Mark-Paul for a minute and he didn't like it.
Back with Durado, Nick is still confessing. When he was nine he fed cereal flakes to a frog and it died. He repeated the experiment with all small living things and determined that anything that lives half out of water dies, but he doesn't know why. When he was 10 he put a lemon in his sleeping mother's mouth. When he was 11 he put on his girl cousin's tights and he didn't mind how they felt. In his 16th year he never got an erection. "I thought they were done. I thought my penis was dead."
In the bathroom, Winston tells Jess that he should have been the first person he told. When he realizes she didn't think he could do anything about it, she admits she never saw him as a cop. He says a prayer every time he gets on an escalator.
Winston takes a deep breath and says he's going to say the meth is his. But before he can confess to Durado, Jess runs out, wild-eyed, and tells Durado that the bathroom is covered in her meth but no one knew anything about it.
Durado orders everyone to stand against a wall and not talk, move or think while she goes to check out the bathroom.
Jess apologizes to Winston, saying he would have made a great cop. Winston already had imagined a partner named Robertson, and they were really tight until he slept with his wife. Nick takes the opportunity to point out he kept a secret. Schmidt apologizes to Cece for kissing her, but she admits she kissed him back a little. "Should we tell Paul together?" Schmidt asks.
Jess tells Nick when she's in prison he should laugh, dance, sing and live his life.
Durado comes back out with the baggie and announces it's full of aquarium rocks. Winston passed the background check because he's one of their best cadets. His test scores are high and he's passionate. She says he'll make one hell of a cop, but he won't work in narcotics.
She suggests Winston consider moving. She has no idea what kind of a person would pee on a light socket. Nick justifies that he thought it would make lightning.
Just when everyone is relaxing, Coach comes in with "Duquan," a grown Hispanic day labor, who says Winston has encouraged him to try to be anything he wants to be, including president or the Statue of Liberty.
Later, Coach shares a beer with Duquan, whom he insists on calling Duquan even though his name is Jose. When Coach shares his plans to hit the outlet malls, it turns out Duquan also ends his trips with a cinnamon pretzel.
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