- Schmidt tutors Jess in the not-so-fine-art of dating via mobile apps. Meanwhile, Winston is desperate to make a good impression on his fellow police cadets, which backfires when Nick, Coach and Cece show up at a party thrown by fellow officers.—Anonymous
- In the morning, Jess says an awkward hello to Schmidt's third lady overnight guest in a week. When she asks how he's doing it, he tells her about a dating app called Dice (like Tinder). He shows her how it demands split second decisions based on looks and urges her not to go on it.
Instead she creates a profile, summarizing that she is "darn tootin' fun," and types out "DTF seeks same."
At the bar, Winston says he's not connecting socially with the other cadets. The gang tries to feign surprise. When he runs to the bathroom, Nick wonders if it's the end of them doing illegal stuff. It turns out Coach has never smoked weed, so Nick offers to walk him through it.
"If pot were a piano, Nick would be a nine-year-old Chinese girl," Schmidt says.
They make plans to get high. Cece will bring the brownies.
Schmidt gets a call (his ringtone is "Somebody That I Used to Know") from Jess. She diced and needs a ride. She's at a dude's apartment. He has a long goatee and is working the treadmill. His furniture is inflatable.
Jess tries to defend her date to Schmidt, saying they made plans to meet a food court, but then the guy didn't have any money so he invited her back to his place to look at his old baby clothes.
She asks Schmidt for help. "I know I'm gullible because people tell me that and I have no reason not to believe them," she says.
Schmidt needs time to process, but finally wakes her up in the middle of the night, agreeing.
The next morning in the bar, Schmidt gives a tutorial. He shows her a picture of a guy he says looks like a Hemsworth and then asks what Jess does if Schmidt shows up instead. When Jess gets a dice match, she's ready to swipe yes, but Schmidt throws her phone.
At the loft, Nick and Cece are high as kites, but Coach is waiting for it to kick in. Winston joins them, saying he took their advice and invited himself to another cadet's party. He wants his friends to go to make him look cool. Nick agrees, saying he's thought of every single thing that could go wrong.
They show up and the party is nothing but cops. The weed finally hits Coach. Nick admits he might not have thought everything through.
Back at the bar, Schmidt continues his lesson. Jess should have been tipped off when the guy last night wanted to meet near his house, because that means he was expecting sex. Jess wonders if he wanted to be near his pets, but Schmidt says that's irrelevant. She should never date a man with pets, unless it's a salt water fish.
He tries phrases out on her and asks her to parse them. "I'm just staying in a hotel right now" means homeless. "My mother is just the most amazing woman" means virgin. "I kind of prefer public transportation" means multiple DUIs. They also all mean pevert.
They're interrupted by a schlubby guy who's there to meet Jess. Schmidt reveals he set her up on 10 Dice dates in one day.
Talking to Malcolm at the bar, he says he's between jobs but "grows raisins." Schmidt pantomimes at her to end it, but she listens to the end of the story.
Later, as he's telling her that the idea of raisin's potential helped get him through his time in prison, Schmidt mercifully interrupts with his worst hillbilly impression: "Ma called, the bees are back!" Jess leaps up and runs.
In the car, Schmidt tells Jess that in situations like that she has to make up an excuse and just leave.
On her next date in a coffee bar, her bearded suitor in a cream-colored mock turtleneck and striped pants, explains that it's possible to eat a whole chicken. Jess tries to wrap it up, but the guy leans in to kiss her. She shouts at him to stand down and Schmidt swoops in, announcing to Jess: "They found your son! He's alive!"
At the cop party, Winston briefs Nick, Cece and Coach that they have to follow him and laugh at all his jokes. He heads off. They do not.
Coach seems almost normal, but Nick is freaking out and is convinced that Coach is acting really high and his voice sounds weird.
Cece wraps up her life story to a cop, who reminds her she just walked over and started talking to him.
Winston wraps up his joke about "Charlotte's Web" and it falls completely flat, mostly because it's a joke about Charlotte's web.
Back in the car, Jess doesn't like the idea of rejecting dates and hurting their feelings. Schmidt tells her she's the prize, the last piece of pie and all these guys are fat kids. He gets her chanting "I'm the pie."
She sets out on her next dates armed with Schmidt's exit excuses. To the guy who says he's not gay, but would go crazy on Michael Strahan -- an important senator is trying to contact her.
To the guy who says Meryl Streep is a "dumb bitch" -- an important document has gone missing and she needs to find it.
To the guy who's been getting in a lot of fist fights and enjoying them -- "I have an acquaintance who's in jeopardy."
To a guy wearing Velcro shoes, she just walks away.
Back at the party, Cece asks a dog what she should do with her life. Coach starts hugging cops. Nick freaks out and kicks over the grill.
Schmidt and Jess arrive for her final Dice date, "dreamy eyes Jacob" who Schmidt threw the phone over earlier. She hits it off with him when it turns out he's also from Portland. But then he also mentions that he lives across the street and she starts to bail. When he tries to explain it doesn't mean anything, he gets offended at her snap judgment and leaves. She feels like she blew it.
Schmidt swoops in, proud of Jess but she's bummed. She wonders what anything they did today has to do with her finding love. He doesn't understand why she would want that. "The point of dating is just to keep on dating, and never stop. It's like burning fossil fuels. Or seeing a therapist," he says.
She asks him if he wants to go through life just plowing through women. He does.
Back at the party, Nick, Cece and Coach are hiding in a closet. Coach suggests Cece go back to school. They start humming pomp and circumstance, with Coach laying down a beat.
Then a bunch of the cops fling open the doors and shine lights in their faces telling them to get down on the ground. They start freaking out, but then Winston explains he noticed they were high and got the cops to mess with them. The cops all laugh it off and seem to accept Winston. They even give him a nickname: Toilet, because living with those three he must have to put up with a lot of crap.
Back outside the restaurant, Jess has called Jacob to come back. She apologizes for how she acted earlier and is eager to get to know him. Then he makes a quarter disappear and pulls licorice out of his nose. He's a comedy magician. She looks around for help from Schmidt, but he's nowhere to be found.
He's back at the loft, finishing up with his date from the day before. He asks if she wants to go get coffee and she's turned off. "I don't think you understand Dice," she says, and leaves. Schmidt curses Jess.
Meanwhile, Jess is stuck watching a really terrible comedy routine that she is out of excuses to bail on.
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