- Jordan Schlansky: [discussing his own water supply] This has a T.D.S. of, let's say, 400, and this has a T.D.S., probably, reverse osmosis...
- Conan O'Brien: [interrupting] You know what? I find YOU T.D.S.
- [tedious]
- Conan O'Brien: By the way, uh, Jordan, do you mind if I eat your sandwich while you...
- Jordan Schlansky: Uh, I WOULD mind.
- Conan O'Brien: Why is that?
- Jordan Schlansky: Uh, because I was gonna eat it.
- Conan O'Brien: Right. But you realize that you work for me, so I can take your sandwich if I want to.
- [takes a bite of Jordan's sandwich]
- Conan O'Brien: Does this bother you that I came in here with a camera crew, you were all ready to eat this delicious sandwich that you've put a lot of work into...
- [smacks lips]
- Conan O'Brien: and now, it's going into my fat face?
- Jordan Schlansky: Uh, it should bother you more than me.
- Conan O'Brien: [mouth full] And yet, it doesn't.
- Conan O'Brien: [after Julie cleans Jordan's office] Julie, you said that changing someone's space can change the individual, that this could be a life-altering experience for Jordan. Jordan, do you feel changed?
- Jordan Schlansky: [pause] No.
- Conan O'Brien: [chuckles] Well you don't know. Isn't it possible? Be- Julie's right here.
- Jordan Schlansky: It's possible.
- Conan O'Brien: Look her in the eye.
- Jordan Schlansky: [to Julie] It's unlikely...
- Conan O'Brien: Look! You didn't look- look at that! You went to look her in the eye, and then at the last second, if you show that on replay, you looked down and away.
- [a replay is shown]
- Conan O'Brien: Why don't you look people in the eye?
- Jordan Schlansky: I suppose it's awkward to turn my body, you're pressed up against me tightly.
- Conan O'Brien: I'm not pressed up against you tightly. Gee, dream much? Look me in the eye.
- [Jordan turns and faces Conan]
- Conan O'Brien: Okay, don't.
- [Jordan faces forward again]
- Conan O'Brien: That was awful. Oh my God. I just saw the end of the world in your eyes.
- Conan O'Brien: Do you think, deep down, you want to be clean?
- Jordan Schlansky: I'm open to it, I'm a little bit indifferent.
- Conan O'Brien: Do you think you wanna be dirty?
- Jordan Schlansky: ...Not in the way you're referring to.
- Conan O'Brien: [confused] What did you think I meant?
- Jordan Schlansky: My office.
- Conan O'Brien: What?
- Jordan Schlansky: You heard me.
- Conan O'Brien: [amused] Oh my God!
- Conan O'Brien: [while cleaning Jordan's office] Coffee. Empty wine box.
- Jordan Schlansky: That I'd like...
- Conan O'Brien: Sign of alcoholic. Why would you want to keep this?
- Jordan Schlansky: I use that to ship wine.
- Conan O'Brien: How about this?
- [pulls up another wine box]
- Jordan Schlansky: I use that to ship wine as well.
- Conan O'Brien: Okay... this is a place of business. This is a television show. You seem to think that we are running a moderately-sized Italian restaurant. You have cheeses, you have wine, you have salami, you have different waters... I see very little work going on here. Do you need a separate space to keep all your restaurant supplies?
- Conan O'Brien: [rummaging through a box in Jordan's office, Conan finds a pay stub with the NBC logo on it] Traitor.
- Julie Naylon: Was this garbage?
- Jordan Schlansky: No.
- Conan O'Brien: Oh, this is garbage.