Conan (TV Series)

Recipe for Disaster, No Wait, Onion Soup (2014)

Jordan Schlansky: Self

Photos 

Quotes 

• Jordan Schlansky : [discussing his own water supply]  This has a T.D.S. of, let's say, 400, and this has a T.D.S., probably, reverse osmosis...

  Conan O'Brien : [interrupting]  You know what? I find YOU T.D.S.

  [tedious] 

• Conan O'Brien : By the way, uh, Jordan, do you mind if I eat your sandwich while you...

  Jordan Schlansky : Uh, I WOULD mind.

  Conan O'Brien : Why is that?

  Jordan Schlansky : Uh, because I was gonna eat it.

  Conan O'Brien : Right. But you realize that you work for me, so I can take your sandwich if I want to.

  [takes a bite of Jordan's sandwich] 

  Conan O'Brien : Does this bother you that I came in here with a camera crew, you were all ready to eat this delicious sandwich that you've put a lot of work into...

  [smacks lips] 

  Conan O'Brien : and now, it's going into my fat face?

  Jordan Schlansky : Uh, it should bother you more than me.

  Conan O'Brien : [mouth full]  And yet, it doesn't.

• Conan O'Brien : [after Julie cleans Jordan's office]  Julie, you said that changing someone's space can change the individual, that this could be a life-altering experience for Jordan. Jordan, do you feel changed?

  Jordan Schlansky : [pause]  No.

  Conan O'Brien : [chuckles]  Well you don't know. Isn't it possible? Be- Julie's right here.

  Jordan Schlansky : It's possible.

  Conan O'Brien : Look her in the eye.

  Jordan Schlansky : [to Julie]  It's unlikely...

  Conan O'Brien : Look! You didn't look- look at that! You went to look her in the eye, and then at the last second, if you show that on replay, you looked down and away.

  [a replay is shown] 

  Conan O'Brien : Why don't you look people in the eye?

  Jordan Schlansky : I suppose it's awkward to turn my body, you're pressed up against me tightly.

  Conan O'Brien : I'm not pressed up against you tightly. Gee, dream much? Look me in the eye.

  [Jordan turns and faces Conan] 

  Conan O'Brien : Okay, don't.

  [Jordan faces forward again] 

  Conan O'Brien : That was awful. Oh my God. I just saw the end of the world in your eyes.

• Conan O'Brien : Do you think, deep down, you want to be clean?

  Jordan Schlansky : I'm open to it, I'm a little bit indifferent.

  Conan O'Brien : Do you think you wanna be dirty?

  Jordan Schlansky : ...Not in the way you're referring to.

  Conan O'Brien : [confused]  What did you think I meant?

  Jordan Schlansky : My office.

  Conan O'Brien : What?

  Jordan Schlansky : You heard me.

  Conan O'Brien : [amused]  Oh my God!

• Conan O'Brien : [while cleaning Jordan's office]  Coffee. Empty wine box.

  Jordan Schlansky : That I'd like...

  Conan O'Brien : Sign of alcoholic. Why would you want to keep this?

  Jordan Schlansky : I use that to ship wine.

  Conan O'Brien : How about this?

  [pulls up another wine box] 

  Jordan Schlansky : I use that to ship wine as well.

  Conan O'Brien : Okay... this is a place of business. This is a television show. You seem to think that we are running a moderately-sized Italian restaurant. You have cheeses, you have wine, you have salami, you have different waters... I see very little work going on here. Do you need a separate space to keep all your restaurant supplies?

• Conan O'Brien : [rummaging through a box in Jordan's office, Conan finds a pay stub with the NBC logo on it]  Traitor.

  Julie Naylon : Was this garbage?

  Jordan Schlansky : No.

  Conan O'Brien : Oh, this is garbage.