- A premium parking spot becomes available in the apartment building and the group fights over who deserves it. Nick, Jess, and Schmidt sit in the spot to see who gives up first. Winston meets up with Daisy but does not have a condom.
- Nick and Jess awkwardly brush their teeth. Nick mentions how glad he is that things aren't weird between them, as things are totally weird between them. She suggests they celebrate with a fancy dinner, and he suggests having sex afterward, thereby making things totally weird again. Schmidt comes in breathless to announce there's a parking spot. Down in the garage they debate who gets it. Schmidt settles it: "Gimme that spot or I'll kill you all!"
Back in the loft, Jess argues they share it. Winston is distracted sexting Daisy, who travels a lot, thereby providing a small sex window. Jess attempts to play the lady card, Winston goes race card, Nick goes "lazy drunk" card, Schmidt claims he deserves it.
Every morning, Jess has to wake Outside Dave up off her car hood. Winston leaves when his sex window with Daisy opens. Jess and Schmidt intimidate Nick into bowing out, but then say he has the deciding vote between the two of them. Jess claims it's destiny she get it. "'Destiny might be a lady, but victory has a penis' -direct quote, Scott Caan," Schmidt says.
Jess comes to Nick's room wearing his sweatshirt with an "invisible shirt" underneath. He realizes she's flirting to get the spot and he's totally OK with it. He suggests they hug, but she goes purple nurple instead.
Winston arrives at Daisy's and they immediately start stripping. But he forgot a condom. He suggests alternatives: "You got tinfoil? Hand sanitizer? Grocery bag and a twist tie? What about a baseball cap, I got quick reflexes." He goes out to buy some.
Schmidt brings Nick beer, expecting to get the parking spot. Nick says it's going to Jess. She comes in and sits next to him. Nick gets oddly polite. Schmidt is on to them.
"The stench of filth and lust is all over this room, it smells like frickin' Tijuana. What happened here?" he says. Jess says nothing, while Nick goes with "hardly anything." Jess says they kissed. Schmidt glowers.
Winston races into the pharmacy, but can't pay because he's wearing Daisy's pants and has no wallet. He addresses the whole pharmacy, saying he's in desperate need of a condom. He gets escorted out.
Jess and Nick try to assure Schmidt that nothing has changed, but he points out that now Jess has a parking spot. Nick cracks under the pressure and gives the spot to Schmidt.
Jess finds Nick in the hallway and tells him he's making things weird. They offer alternate examples of what's actually weird including faces, gestures and dances. She argues they need a long term solution. Nick runs, announcing he's taking the spot. They all race out of the apartment to get there first.
Schmidt's car is stuck in the middle of his lot, Nick takes the cardboard off his under the overpass. He pays street kids to push it when it won't start. Jess has to stop to pick up litter, yield to a driver and take a picture of cats on her car. Nick bails on his car and takes a chair to occupy the spot. Schmidt inches into it, tapping Nick with his car. Then Jess drives up and pushes Schmidt's car out of the way with hers. They all stand in the spot, announcing they're there all night.
Cece tries another date with her Indian man, meeting him at home and thanking him for giving her another chance. She's defending her friends as really "chill" when Winston pounds on her door in search of a condom.
Down in the spot, Nick crawls for Jess' hard candy and Schmidt is in pain from having to pee so badly. Winston comes back in his quest and races upstairs. He finds a giant box of condoms in Jess' room with one left.
In the spot, Schmidt talks himself into reabsorbing his urine. "Did you just pee inside your body?" Jess asks.
Schmidt reminds Nick that the three of them took a "no nail oath" when Jess moved in and Nick violated it by nailing Jess' mouth. And now she's acting like he owes her something because of it.
Winston comes back to Daisy's apartment complex late at night, but all the buildings look the same. He doesn't have his phone and collapses in the street shouting he deserves protected sex.
In the garage, Jess acknowledges that Schmidt is right. "I thought we could go back to the way things were, but we can't. You nailed my mouth. You nailed it good and hard and strong," she tells Nick. Nick says kiss was the dumbest thing he's ever done and he regrets it. Jess walks away upset, giving him the spot.
Schmidt points out every second Nick doesn't go after her, he's more of a "pud rod." Nick points out Schmidt peed himself. But he's still in the spot.
Back in the loft, Nick tells Jess that he doesn't regret kissing her, just that it made things weird. He admits he was the reason for the "No Nail Oath." They're pretty close to violating it again when Schmidt comes in. He reads the oath, which includes the clause if one of them nails Jess, they all get to. Schmidt suggests that to move past the weirdness, he has to kiss Jess, too. They do and it's gross for both of them. Winston comes in to see it and goes on a rant about being sex deprived and needing a win. Down in the garage, they let him have the spot. But it's so tight he can't get out of the car.
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