- Leanne: Honey, the truth is relative. The plain and simple truth is rarely plain and it's never simple.
- Crystal Clemens: No kids for me yet, not with our hectic schedule. My husband's a oil man.
- Leanne: How old is he?
- Crystal Clemens: No, OIL man.
- Leanne: Oh, oil, wow.
- Crystal Clemens: Yeah, but I mean he's old too.
- Nancy: It was a minor mistake!
- Alan Dickinson: You accused a city official of bestiality. On the air.
- Nancy: It's not my fault that he got rid of the evidence before animal control intervened.
- [Bumbling Billy and J.T. attempt to break in]
- Leanne: It's a one-story house, why do you have a ladder?
- Leanne: The only way to make it in this business, honey, is to be a triple threat. Look at Miley.
- Patty: Great role model, mom.
- Donald: Yeah, she's a triple threat. She can sing, dance and take off all her clothes!
- Leanne: Well, she's got a great body. She works very hard for that. Why not show it off?
- Matt: So are you like the disgruntled one, always a bridesmaid, never a bride?
- Nancy: No! I mean, I was an outstanding student, obviously. You know, I was head of our yearbook committee and newspaper editor. I was Vice President of the senior class. That was great! I had to get votes for that.
- Matt: So a giant dork.
- Nancy: I hate you.
- Patty: I do miss my parents and everything, but it's actually kind of nice to have a break from my life. It's the most downtime I've ever had.
- J.T.: Downtime? You're a kid, what do you know about downtime?
- Patty: Well, let's see... So, I go to school at 7 o'clock, and by the time I come out at 2, I have either dance class, show rehearsal, acting classes or singing lessons. And then most days I have two classes back-to-back. So that means I come home around 7-ish. Then it's dinner, homework, and my mom hounding me to practice with her 'til I'm ready to pass out. Oh, and let's not forget all the neverending competitions and pageants I have the pleasure of being forced to do.
- J.T.: Oh, your mom's one of THOSE moms.
- Patty: She means well, I guess.
- J.T.: When do you see your friends?
- Patty: Well, friends? No, friends aren't in the schedule.
- [first lines]
- Leanne: Patty Wilson, please tell us what is your favorite hobby?
- Patty: I like going to school -and playing the violin.
- Leanne: No. No. Patty Wilson, please tell us what is your favorite hobby?
- Patty: I like helping the homeless.
- Leanne: Right. Great, great, great. Ok, if anybody ever asks you anything, you always answer with charity, Ok? Homeless, pets, old people, doesn't matter. This is your pageant, honey.