- When Sadie tells Jess and Cece they only have so many eggs available for having children, Jess is worried and insists she and Cece get tests done. Schmidt tries to find confirmation for his sexual prowess. Nick finishes writing his book.
- Jess hosts a five year anniversary party for her gay friends Melissa and Sadie. Nick totally relates as Melissa explains the secret to their relationship is her love of boobs.
They all try to block out Schmidt's moon landing mission foreplay coming from his bedroom where he's "entertaining" his boss Emma.
Sadie takes the moment to announce she's pregnant. As a gynecologist, she tells Cece and Jess that a woman's fertility drops when she hits 30. Melissa mentions a test you can take that tells how much fertility you have left.
"Get this baloney- I'm 32, but my eggs are 48 and my vagina is 97," Melissa says. "I am so uncomfortable right now," Nick says. "And it gets better with age -- it's like the vagina Helen Mirren. I've got big plans for the centennial," offers Sadie.
Jess wants to take the test immediately.
Winston comes in to leave for his new night shift and Nick begs to go with him to escape the vagina talk.
In his room, Schmidt basks in his post-sex glow, but his boss says it was "fine." Then she tells him it was essentially horrible for her.
Nick goes to Winston's middle of the night radio show and is inspired. He says he's going to go home and write his zombie novel, but Winston has his doubts.
Before Sadie leaves, Schmidt has a few questions for her as a lesbian and gynecologist, which makes her a "vagenious." She tells him to make an appointment.
After they leave, Jess freaks out about her dwindling baby making years. "What if all that's left are the weird eggs and the evil eggs? I can feel them, they're turning. They watched their brothers and sisters die and now they want to be birthed. I need to be fertilized!" Jess says.
She runs to the window and shouts "give my nipples a purpose!"
Cece and Jess visit Sadie to have blood drawn for the test.
Back in the loft, Jess gets rid of anything with toxins, including the microwave. "It makes burritos delicious!" Nick protests.
Schmidt interrupts, saying his inability to satisfy Emma has rocked his world. Nick tries to work on his zombie novel but gets nowhere.
When Jess worries who might impregnate her some day, Schmidt volunteers. Then Winston steps up, offering his "Blair Underwood-like skin." Nick does not volunteer, even though he says he'd love the child.
When Winston asks Nick how his novel is going, he resolves to live more like Ernest Hemingway. "I need real life adventure, like Ernest Hemingway had at my age. I've gotta run with the bulls. I've gotta kill a man with my bare hands after making sweet love to him and then sleep in the warm belly of his horse. I've gotta eat my way out of a sandwich house!"
"How much you know about Hemingway?" Winston asks. "Not a lot, but I'm gonna learn! I'm becoming Ernest Hemingway, idiots!" Nick says.
Sadie meets with Schmidt and, using a diagram and many, many euphemisms, they discuss their approaches to lady love making. "I like to arrive at the bridge, meet the troll, and answer his riddles three," Schmidt says, turning Sadie on.
"It's the baby hormones, they are not as gay as me," she explains. She proclaims him a "vagenious."
Nick wakes Winston up to take him on a "real life experience" to the zoo. Winston tries to stay with it on 13 minutes of sleep. Nick drinks from his midday flask of "writer's fuel."
Jess and Cece wait to hear their results from Sadie. She tells Jess her hormone levels are outstanding, prompting her to sing about being "queen of the eggs." She looks at Cece's, pauses, and then says they should talk in private.
Later, Cece says Sadie told her if she wants to have a kid she has to start right now. She didn't want to have to think about it.
In bed, Schmidt waits for his reviews from Emma, after playing out her most secret fantasy "French Maid handyman does Studio 54 busboy." He's covered in feathers and jewels, but she only gives it an "eh."
She's disappointed, but he assures her he knows what she's doing. After her divorce, she thought she could go out and have meaningless sex with an underling, but it turns out she has to feel something. Schmidt tells her with his ex-girlfriend it was effortless and he just felt connected. She tells him that's love, idiot.
They pleasantly consider their sex contract void.
Jess and Cece meet up with Winston and super drunk Nick at the zoo. Nick wants to go look at snakes as Winston complains that with his adjusted schedule he needs some sleep.
Winston tells Nick he's not a finisher, which is why he didn't finish law school and is only three episodes into "Downton Abbey."
Cece calls Robbie to meet her at the zoo. He wants kids in, like, ten years.
Back at the loft, Nick wakes Winston up to show him his finished novel "Z is for Zombie." He stayed up for 14 hours to finish it and even peed in water bottles.
Jess drops in on Nick.
"I knew it, I knew you'd choose me to get you pregnant," he says. Schmidt comes in, upset to realize he's in love with Cece.
Winston comes in, proclaiming that the book is the worst thing he's ever read. Nick spelled rhythm 14 different ways. Winston begins a reading.
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