Cooties (2014)

Nasim Pedrad: Rebekkah

Photos 

Quotes 

• Doug : Could everybody please listen up?

  [they gather around to listen] 

  Doug : Guys don't make me ask again. Quiet, quiet please.

  [no one is speaking] 

  Doug : Please be quiet!

  Rebekkah : None of us are talking?

  Doug : Rebekkah!

• Rebekkah : Maybe we were created by an all-knowing God, who sent down his only son to die for us. Or maybe we were monkey people who sat around crapping in each other's mouths until one day we were like, "I don't like all this hair; just on my head and crotch, please!" Who can say? I can't, because the state of Illinois doesn't allow me to, Hank.

• Rebekkah : Buddy, I don't know what that bitch drinks out of. Here's what I do know; I know that this is a rape button. It emits a shit-crazy alarm that will inform local police who will arrive in two minutes, should you decide to get touchy and/or feely. You wanna know why I have a rape button? Don't answer, I want to tell you. Because the government of the state of Illinois doesn't trust the citizenry enough to pass safe, sensible conceal and carry laws.

• Rebekkah : Well I'd feel worse if all these dead people weren't from fucking Danville.

• Rebekkah : There's still so much I haven't done, like, like I've always wanted to fire an uzi . I don't know.

  Tracy : I wanted a bunny. I always wanted a bunny growing up and... never got one.

  Wade : You know what I want? I want to know why my brother in law makes ten times what I do. You know what he does for a living? He makes giant foam fingers for football games. Like you tell people you're a teacher and they look at you like oh you must have wanted to do something else and you couldn't get anything going its like fuck you man. I'm raising your kids. I love my job. And teachers deserve respect!

  Doug : Yeah.

  Wade : And I'm sorry that it took me till today to realize this but... I really actually like you guys.

  Doug : I always wanted to have sex with a prostitute who was nonwhite.

• Rebekkah : Once again, how do you know all this?

  Doug : I learned all about the brain when I had a six inch spike lodged in my brain as a child. Which is why, you may have noticed, sometimes when I'm talking, I use the wrong rowboat.

  Lucy : Word.

  Doug : [arms crossed, fingers splayed, street style]  Word!