The Thick of It (TV Series)

Episode #4.7 (2012)

Peter Capaldi: Malcolm Tucker

Photos 

Quotes 

• Malcolm Tucker : You know Jackie fucking Chan about me. You know fuck all about me! I am totally beyond the realms of your fuckin' tousle-haired fuckin' dim-witted compre-fucking-hension. I don't just take this fucking job home, you know! I take this job home, it fucking ties me to the bed, and it fuckin' fucks me from arsehole to breakfast! Then it wakes me up in the morning with a cup full of piss slammed in my face, slaps me about the chops to make sure I'm awake enough so it can kick me in the fucking bollocks! This job has taken me in every hole in my fucking body. "Malcolm!", it's gone, you can't know Malcolm because Malcolm is not here! Malcolm fucking left the building fucking years ago! This is a fucking husk, I am a fucking host for this fucking job. Do you want this job? Yes? You do fucking want this job? Then you're gonna have to swallow this whole fucking life and let it grow inside you like a parasite, getting bigger and bigger and bigger until it fucking eats your insides alive and it stares out of your eyes and tells you what to do.

• Malcolm Tucker : I'm gonna leave the stage with my head held fucking high. What you're gonna see is a master class in fucking dignity, son. The audience will be on their feet. "There he goes!", they'll say. No friends - no *real* friends. No children, no glory, no memoirs. Well, fuck them.

• Malcolm Tucker : [Malcolm is trying to find the back door on a police station, to avoid the press. He and his lawyer got lost and ended up in a room full of garbage] 

  Malcolm Tucker : This is literally rubbish!

• Oliver Reeder : Well, who says I even want to be you, Malcolm? Who says that?

  Malcolm Tucker : Nobody says that.

  [pauses] 

  Malcolm Tucker : Except every screaming atom of that etiolated stick of fuck you call a body says that. Every fibre of your being, every stamen... says that.

• Malcolm Tucker : I knew Malcolm F Tucker, sir. And you are not Malcolm Fucking Tucker. You're not even fucking Manchester's top Malcolm Tucker tribute band. And trying to be me, you? Trying to be me will fucking kill you. I give you 18 months before you're a washed-out, weeping alcoholic with no fucking bladder control. Sleeping on your brother-in-law's sofa.

  Oliver Reeder : And so on and so on, it doesn't have to be like that now, Malcolm, politics has actually changed.

  Malcolm Tucker : Oh?

  Oliver Reeder : Right. Yeah, yeah. And you probably haven't noticed because you've been on transmit for the last fucking eight years Waa-waa-waa-waa-waa! And whilst you've been doing that, everybody else has been changing, and it's all a bit softcore now, it's all a bit algorithms now. You don't have to be Malcolm Tucker to sit in that chair.