Photos
Quotes
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Schmidt : [peeking on Nick] Hey, man.
Nick Miller : Aah!
Schmidt : I'm the only one who hasn't seen it.
Nick Miller : What?
Schmidt : Just the gun.
Nick Miller : No.
Schmidt : Just the roses.
Nick Miller : What?
Schmidt : Just the hub, where it connects.
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Nick Miller : We live in a world with rules. We knock. We have doors. And we knock on those doors.
Jess Day : I'm sorry, Nick.
Nick Miller : Just knock!
Jess Day : [picking up the feeling stick] Nick... I...
Nick Miller : Put that down.
Jess Day : But we have to talk.
Nick Miller : Nothing to talk about.
Winston Bishop : [taking the stick] I feel that Nick is not honoring the feeling stick.
Schmidt : [taking it] I feel me, too.
Winston Bishop : [taking it back] I feel Schmidt's had a particularly bad day, and I feel that if Nick is truly Schmidt's friend, he would show Schmidt what's in his pants.
Schmidt : [taking it back] I feel supported.
Nick Miller : What is going on with you two? What are you doing?
Winston Bishop : [taking the stick] I feel Nick is yelling.
Nick Miller : Stop it!
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Schmidt : Do you know where you're taking her?
Nick Miller : No.
Schmidt : Do you need a list of my sexiest date spots? You know, it's been a while for you. Want me to stretch you out?
Nick Miller : It's not a date, Schmidt. Actually, I don't know what it is. She's, uh... she's a little hard to read.
[flashback]
Amanda : Wouldn't it be funny if we, like, went out? Like...
Nick Miller : Do you wanna go on a date?
Amanda : Yeah. We'd, like, "go for dinner," and, like, the two of us, we'd, like, do stuff.
Nick Miller : Is that a yes?
Amanda : I know, right?
Nick Miller : Seriously, do you want to get dinner?
Amanda : Right. No, I know.
Nick Miller : [return to the present] Sometimes she's so ironic that I think she's being serious.
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Nick Miller : I'm sorry about last night, Amanda.
Amanda : So you're... you're, like, super into "cuddling".
Nick Miller : No, I'm not super into cuddling. I'm just getting out of a relationship, and I think I got nervous. I've heard that I'm not great at talking about what I'm feeling all the time, and so I'm sorry about last night.
Amanda : Honesty. I like that.
-
Jess Day : Ooh. Scary movie. I hate scary movies. Why are we watching this?
Nick Miller : We're not watching, this Jess.
[indicating himself, Winston, and Schmidt]
Nick Miller : *We're* watching it.
Jess Day : [squeezing herself onto the couch between Nick and Schmidt] So fun, hanging with the dudes, eating ice cream, watching scary movies.
[imitating Nick]
Jess Day : "We're not scared. We're dudes."
Winston Bishop : Shh!
Jess Day : You know what we should watch? Have you guys ever seen "Fame"? It's about a group of dreamers with talent to spare, taking New York City by storm, one dance number at a time. The cafeteria, the street... oh! Ooh! That's so much blood. It's spurting!
[taking a bite of ice cream]
Jess Day : Mm, that was good. That guy's gonna blow himself up. Wah, wah.
Nick Miller : Why would that guy blow himself up?
[sound of an explosion]
Jess Day : [seeing Nick's look] Sorry. I saw it in the theater. You know what else we should watch? "An American Tale." It's about a little Jewish mouse with a great big heart and a...
Nick Miller : [the guys all get up to leave] All right.
Jess Day : Wait. Where are you guys going?
-
Nick Miller : Stop following me.
Jess Day : Then stop running away from me. I just want to have a mature conversation.
Nick Miller : How can we have a mature conversation when you can't even say the word "penis"?
Jess Day : I can say the word "peen..."
Nick Miller : Say it.
Jess Day : I... peernyas.
Nick Miller : What?
Jess Day : Peernis.
Nick Miller : You said "peernis."
Jess Day : [singsong] Penis.
Nick Miller : Not singing.
Jess Day : [lowering the pitch of her voice] Penis.
Nick Miller : Not like a ghoul.
Jess Day : [chuckling] I... I can say it! Pianist.
Nick Miller : No, you said "pianist."
Jess Day : Enispay!
Nick Miller : Not pig Latin.
Jess Day : Peernis.
Nick Miller : Okay, not in Swedish.
Jess Day : Pemo.
Nick Miller : Not in fake Italian.
Jess Day : [shrieking] Penis!
Winston Bishop : Shut up!
Nick Miller : Say it with me. Pe...
Jess Day : Pe...
Nick Miller : ...nis
Jess Day : ...neers.
Nick Miller : Yeah, I'm the one that's immature.
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[last lines]
Nick Miller : [turning on the shower] Get out, Schmidt.
Schmidt : [getting out soaking wet] I'm the only one who hasn't seen it.
-
Jess Day : Nick, we have to talk about this.
Nick Miller : [she follows him onto the elevator] What are you doing?
Jess Day : I'm sorry I saw your doojer and your chickadees. And I didn't mean to laugh. I just...
Nick Miller : Then why did you laugh? Is there something... funny about it?
Jess Day : No! It's beautiful. Stately. A real treat.
Nick Miller : Oh, my god.
[another tenant gets on]
Jess Day : [whispering] I think it's great you dance naked to Jamaican music. That's really cool. You should explore your sexuality.
[the other tenant gets off]
Jess Day : Nick?
Nick Miller : [moving her out of the way] Excuse me.
Jess Day : [following him off] Come on, Nick. I dance naked all the time. We have to talk about this.
[he hurries back on, and the doors close in her face]
Jess Day : Ugh! Nick!
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Jess Day : I worked on something for you.
Nick Miller : All right.
Jess Day : [saying it clearly] Penis.
Nick Miller : Very good.
Jess Day : Thank you. Um, so did Amanda call you back?
Nick Miller : No, I don't see Amanda calling me back.
Jess Day : I'm sorry.
Nick Miller : It's okay. Maybe you were right. Maybe I'm not ready for meaningless sex with beautiful women.
Jess Day : Well, you know, maybe when you are, you'll be able to show her your other penis. Your heart penis.
Nick Miller : Get out of my room.
Jess Day : Okay.
[turning to leave]
Jess Day : Hey, um... when I was, um, leaving in a hurry, um, did you see... everything?
Nick Miller : Yep.
Jess Day : Even my... gumbo pot?
Nick Miller : Ugh. "Gumbo pot"? Get out.
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Nick Miller : [hearing a knock on his bedroom door] Come in.
[with her eyes covered, Jess pokes her head in and knocks on the wall]
Nick Miller : Jess, you don't have to knock once you're in the room.
-
Jess Day : Nick, hey.
Nick Miller : Hey.
Jess Day : So, that was weird, right?
Nick Miller : I'm running out the door, Jess.
Jess Day : I think we should talk about it.
Nick Miller : Talk about what?
Jess Day : About me seeing... your peen.
[British accent]
Jess Day : The peen what I saw.
[using her finger as a mustache, with a French accent]
Jess Day : Bonjour, le peen.
Nick Miller : You're blocking the door.
Jess Day : Okay. Cool. Have fun on your date.
[indicating his junk]
Jess Day : Tell that guy to behave.
-
Jess Day : Nick, please talk to me.
Nick Miller : Jess, there's nothing to talk about. You ruined my date. Every time I tried to take my clothes off, Jess, I heard your little...
[imitating her cackling laugh]
Nick Miller : ...your little crazy giggle scream. And all I want to do is having meaningless sex with a beautiful woman who, yes, talks in mind-bending riddles. But I can't, because I can't get your little...
[imitating her laugh again]
Nick Miller : ...out of my head.
Jess Day : Well, maybe you don't want to have meaningless sex. Maybe that's not your style.
Nick Miller : I have a bing-bong and chickadees. It is my style.
-
Jess Day : You have a date? Fun! I wanna talk to you guys about this stuff.
Schmidt : With Amanda.
Nick Miller : Schmidt.
Jess Day : Amanda? From the bar? Whoa! She's a looker. Hatchie-matchie!
Nick Miller : Yeah, I know how hot she is, Jess.
Jess Day : Have you been out with anyone since Caroline?
Nick Miller : No.
Jess Day : Whoa! Big-deal alert. Scary stuff, kids. Yeesh! Falling rocks. Bridge out. Duck!
Nick Miller : This is why I don't talk to you, Jess.
