Photos
Quotes
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Jess Day : I have something from school that, um, made me think of you.
[taking various items out of her purse]
Jess Day : It's a feeling stick. Whoever's holding the feeling stick has permission to say whatever he or she is feeling without being judged. I'll go first. Um... I feel like I want to know what you're feeling.
[taking the stick, Nick snaps it in half]
Jess Day : Believe it or not, that's not the first time someone's broken my feeling stick.
[taking out another one that's slightly smaller]
Jess Day : I have a travel size.
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Nick Miller : We live in a world with rules. We knock. We have doors. And we knock on those doors.
Jess Day : I'm sorry, Nick.
Nick Miller : Just knock!
Jess Day : [picking up the feeling stick] Nick... I...
Nick Miller : Put that down.
Jess Day : But we have to talk.
Nick Miller : Nothing to talk about.
Winston Bishop : [taking the stick] I feel that Nick is not honoring the feeling stick.
Schmidt : [taking it] I feel me, too.
Winston Bishop : [taking it back] I feel Schmidt's had a particularly bad day, and I feel that if Nick is truly Schmidt's friend, he would show Schmidt what's in his pants.
Schmidt : [taking it back] I feel supported.
Nick Miller : What is going on with you two? What are you doing?
Winston Bishop : [taking the stick] I feel Nick is yelling.
Nick Miller : Stop it!
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Cece Parekh : You laughed?
Jess Day : Yeah, I couldn't help it.
Cece Parekh : Did you freak out and make that noise that you always make?
Jess Day : What? I don't always make a noise.
[flashback; in the school lunch line as a teenager, she shrieks and giggles at a hot dog]
Jess Day : Fine. I guess I missed the moment when everybody got cool about sex. I really messed up.
Cece Parekh : Ah, guys are simple. You know what I would do? I would just make it even. You've seen his, show him yours.
Jess Day : No. I can't do that.
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Schmidt : What happened after you walked in?
Jess Day : I don't know. I kind of laughed.
Schmidt : Jess, you can't laugh at a naked man, and especially Nick. Nick is delicate. Like a flower. Like a chubby, damaged flower who hates himself. Now, listen to me. You're gonna act like this never happened.
Jess Day : We live together. We're a family. Families talk about things.
Schmidt : No. Families ignore things until they go away.
[flashback to himself as a kid]
Schmidt : No wants to talk about their feelings, Jess. Never talk about this again.
Jess Day : Okay. I'll ignore it.
[singing]
Jess Day : Not gonna talk about it...
Schmidt : Or sing about it.
Jess Day : The bing-bong. I'm done.
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Jess Day : Ooh. Scary movie. I hate scary movies. Why are we watching this?
Nick Miller : We're not watching, this Jess.
[indicating himself, Winston, and Schmidt]
Nick Miller : *We're* watching it.
Jess Day : [squeezing herself onto the couch between Nick and Schmidt] So fun, hanging with the dudes, eating ice cream, watching scary movies.
[imitating Nick]
Jess Day : "We're not scared. We're dudes."
Winston Bishop : Shh!
Jess Day : You know what we should watch? Have you guys ever seen "Fame"? It's about a group of dreamers with talent to spare, taking New York City by storm, one dance number at a time. The cafeteria, the street... oh! Ooh! That's so much blood. It's spurting!
[taking a bite of ice cream]
Jess Day : Mm, that was good. That guy's gonna blow himself up. Wah, wah.
Nick Miller : Why would that guy blow himself up?
[sound of an explosion]
Jess Day : [seeing Nick's look] Sorry. I saw it in the theater. You know what else we should watch? "An American Tale." It's about a little Jewish mouse with a great big heart and a...
Nick Miller : [the guys all get up to leave] All right.
Jess Day : Wait. Where are you guys going?
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Jess Day : [after walking in on Nick naked] He's never gonna speak to me again. I'm so embarrassed.
Schmidt : Not a big deal. I've seen Nick's stuff, like, a million times.
Winston Bishop : You have? I mean... how?
Schmidt : We grew up together. Locker rooms, swimming pools, penis fights. It just happens.
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Nick Miller : Stop following me.
Jess Day : Then stop running away from me. I just want to have a mature conversation.
Nick Miller : How can we have a mature conversation when you can't even say the word "penis"?
Jess Day : I can say the word "peen..."
Nick Miller : Say it.
Jess Day : I... peernyas.
Nick Miller : What?
Jess Day : Peernis.
Nick Miller : You said "peernis."
Jess Day : [singsong] Penis.
Nick Miller : Not singing.
Jess Day : [lowering the pitch of her voice] Penis.
Nick Miller : Not like a ghoul.
Jess Day : [chuckling] I... I can say it! Pianist.
Nick Miller : No, you said "pianist."
Jess Day : Enispay!
Nick Miller : Not pig Latin.
Jess Day : Peernis.
Nick Miller : Okay, not in Swedish.
Jess Day : Pemo.
Nick Miller : Not in fake Italian.
Jess Day : [shrieking] Penis!
Winston Bishop : Shut up!
Nick Miller : Say it with me. Pe...
Jess Day : Pe...
Nick Miller : ...nis
Jess Day : ...neers.
Nick Miller : Yeah, I'm the one that's immature.
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Jess Day : Something's happened. It was totally an accident. Not a big deal. I just want to do the mature thing and come clean about it. But, um...
[muttering]
Jess Day : I accidentally saw Nick's pee-pee.
Schmidt : What?
Winston Bishop : What did she say?
Jess Day : [clearly] I accidentally saw Nick's pee-pee and his bubbles.
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Jess Day : Nick, we have to talk about this.
Nick Miller : [she follows him onto the elevator] What are you doing?
Jess Day : I'm sorry I saw your doojer and your chickadees. And I didn't mean to laugh. I just...
Nick Miller : Then why did you laugh? Is there something... funny about it?
Jess Day : No! It's beautiful. Stately. A real treat.
Nick Miller : Oh, my god.
[another tenant gets on]
Jess Day : [whispering] I think it's great you dance naked to Jamaican music. That's really cool. You should explore your sexuality.
[the other tenant gets off]
Jess Day : Nick?
Nick Miller : [moving her out of the way] Excuse me.
Jess Day : [following him off] Come on, Nick. I dance naked all the time. We have to talk about this.
[he hurries back on, and the doors close in her face]
Jess Day : Ugh! Nick!
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Jess Day : I worked on something for you.
Nick Miller : All right.
Jess Day : [saying it clearly] Penis.
Nick Miller : Very good.
Jess Day : Thank you. Um, so did Amanda call you back?
Nick Miller : No, I don't see Amanda calling me back.
Jess Day : I'm sorry.
Nick Miller : It's okay. Maybe you were right. Maybe I'm not ready for meaningless sex with beautiful women.
Jess Day : Well, you know, maybe when you are, you'll be able to show her your other penis. Your heart penis.
Nick Miller : Get out of my room.
Jess Day : Okay.
[turning to leave]
Jess Day : Hey, um... when I was, um, leaving in a hurry, um, did you see... everything?
Nick Miller : Yep.
Jess Day : Even my... gumbo pot?
Nick Miller : Ugh. "Gumbo pot"? Get out.
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Jess Day : Nick, hey.
Nick Miller : Hey.
Jess Day : So, that was weird, right?
Nick Miller : I'm running out the door, Jess.
Jess Day : I think we should talk about it.
Nick Miller : Talk about what?
Jess Day : About me seeing... your peen.
[British accent]
Jess Day : The peen what I saw.
[using her finger as a mustache, with a French accent]
Jess Day : Bonjour, le peen.
Nick Miller : You're blocking the door.
Jess Day : Okay. Cool. Have fun on your date.
[indicating his junk]
Jess Day : Tell that guy to behave.
-
Jess Day : Nick, please talk to me.
Nick Miller : Jess, there's nothing to talk about. You ruined my date. Every time I tried to take my clothes off, Jess, I heard your little...
[imitating her cackling laugh]
Nick Miller : ...your little crazy giggle scream. And all I want to do is having meaningless sex with a beautiful woman who, yes, talks in mind-bending riddles. But I can't, because I can't get your little...
[imitating her laugh again]
Nick Miller : ...out of my head.
Jess Day : Well, maybe you don't want to have meaningless sex. Maybe that's not your style.
Nick Miller : I have a bing-bong and chickadees. It is my style.
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Jess Day : You have a date? Fun! I wanna talk to you guys about this stuff.
Schmidt : With Amanda.
Nick Miller : Schmidt.
Jess Day : Amanda? From the bar? Whoa! She's a looker. Hatchie-matchie!
Nick Miller : Yeah, I know how hot she is, Jess.
Jess Day : Have you been out with anyone since Caroline?
Nick Miller : No.
Jess Day : Whoa! Big-deal alert. Scary stuff, kids. Yeesh! Falling rocks. Bridge out. Duck!
Nick Miller : This is why I don't talk to you, Jess.
