Photos
Quotes
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Schmidt : Look, we're not trying to be mean. We just don't want you to be yourself... in any way.
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Schmidt : Oh, there's Brooke.
Jess Day : Who's Brooke?
Nick Miller : He's been into her since freshman year. She used to get drunk and pass out on our porch. It was like having a hot, alcoholic cat.
Schmidt : I'd always leave water out for her. Okay. Tonight just got real. She goes on top of the kill list.
Jess Day : Is that because you're gonna attempt to kill her by having sex with her?
Schmidt : More or less, yeah.
Jess Day : Oh, Schmidt, one day you're gonna kill the nicest girl.
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Winston Bishop : Hey, Nick, how you doin', buddy?
Nick Miller : They want me to leave the booth, but I'm staying. This is my home now. It's got everything that I need.
Schmidt : You can see by looking at these pictures that he's experiencing a variety of different emotions. This one is... well, that's actually his butt.
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Winston Bishop : We've got a problem.
Schmidt : What?
[seeing Nick and Caroline talking]
Schmidt : Jess, what did you do?
Jess Day : What? They're fine, they're just talking.
Winston Bishop : No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, with Caroline, he is not fine. Okay, he ran into her at a party two months ago, then sent me a ten-page e-mail about what she meant when she said "I'll see you soon."
Schmidt : She will flirt with him until she knows she can have him. It's like he's her backup plan.
Jess Day : I didn't know that.
Schmidt : You wanna live with Nick, when he's not showering and crying all day?
Winston Bishop : Yeah, he sounds like this.
[he pantomimes babbling sobbing]
Schmidt : You ever heard a grown man sob and listen to Simon and Garfunkel?
Jess Day : Yeah, my dad.
Schmidt : Yeah.
Jess Day : Okay, I get it. I'll go. But I just... these bicycle shorts are really tight.
Schmidt : Come on, work through it, woman.
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Jess Day : Schmidt! Schmidt, I need you to help me get these off so I can go find Nick!
Brooke : God, are you friends with that girl?
Jess Day : Schmidt!
Schmidt : Okay, look, I... I didn't want to have to tell you this, but... she was a mistake I made when I hit rock bottom. It was like I was her Sid and she was my Nancy, and then I got sober and she couldn't deal with it, and the poor thing just went... she went crazy.
Jess Day : Schmidt, I need you to come help me slap my thighs around!
Schmidt : Look, I don't want to scare you, but she can be really dangerous when she drinks. Okay? I shouldn't even be in the same room with her, it's just... it feels so good talking to you.
Brooke : Maybe we should get you out of here.
Schmidt : What a great idea. Yes!
Brooke : I just have to go to the bathroom really quickly.
Schmidt : What-whatever you need. Whatever you... of course.
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Schmidt : Jess, what happened with Brooke?
Jess Day : What?
Schmidt : She just left here in tears because she said that you threatened her with a knife?
Jess Day : No! I was talking you up.
Schmidt : No, you shouldn't have been talking me up. You should have been taking care of Nick. Why is it so hard to do one thing?
Jess Day : How is this my fault?
Schmidt : Ruiner.
Jess Day : Did you just call me a ruiner?
Schmidt : Yeah.
Jess Day : Okay, you know what? Forget it. I'm not helping you guys anymore. Give me my teeth back.
Nick Miller : Stop it.
Jess Day : [searching his pocket] You don't appreciate them.
Nick Miller : Cool it!
Jess Day : [taking them and putting them in] Give them back. I'm gonna have fun, 'cause there's nothing wrong with who I am, and I like having fun at weddings. And I like dancing. And if you don't like that, then tough tater tots, tooter.
[storming off]
Jess Day : Jess is back!
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Winston Bishop : Yo, let's go. We can't be late. I am in the wedding.
Nick Miller : You're the usher, so relax.
Winston Bishop : Yeah, I'll be busy. That way, I won't have to sit around answering a bunch of stupid questions all day. Like, "do you have a job? Are you still playing basketball?". Does it look like I'm still playing overseas basketball?
Schmidt : What is the matter with you?
Winston Bishop : This is the first job I've had in, like, two months, dude, and I really want to just get in there and ush this wedding in the face!
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Schmidt : [seeing Jess in her dress for the wedding] Who let the dirty slut out of the slut house?
Nick Miller : Wow. You look great.
Jess Day : [wearing fake plastic teeth] Let's go knock biscuits, brother-cousins.
Schmidt : No!
Nick Miller : No teeth, Jess. You can't use prop teeth.
Jess Day : Come on, guys. These are hilarious. Kids love these.
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Jess Day : It's our first wedding together, so we need nicknames. Nick is Knickknack or Mr. Suspenders.
Schmidt : No nicknames, okay? Your only job tonight is to be Nick's girlfriend, okay? And make sure that he stays out of trouble with Caroline.
Jess Day : Why can't you and Winston help?
Schmidt : We've tried. He doesn't listen to us anymore.
[flashback; Nick sits crying on the floor in his bedroom]
Schmidt : Look, she's not coming back.
Nick Miller : [return to the present] He's right. I don't.
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Schmidt : Hello, Gretchen.
Gretchen : Uh-huh.
Schmidt : I see you wore the pantsuit again.
Gretchen : This is a new one. It's got way more stretch...
[indicating the crotch]
Gretchen : In the pants.
Schmidt : That's horrible.
Gretchen : Are you ready for tonight? I'm gonna tie you down and show you pictures of my river-rafting trip.
Schmidt : Oh, my god, how many are there?
Gretchen : It's a two-hour slideshow.
Schmidt : No, Gretchen. We can't do this anymore, okay? It's not... it's not healthy. All right, please? No more.
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Jess Day : Who is that?
Schmidt : It's Gretchen Nelson. She's a terrible person. We can't stand each other. At every wedding, we end up... we end up having sex.
[flashbacks to previous weddings]
Schmidt : I mean, look, the sex is amazing. She's coming over.
Nick Miller : [leading Jess away] Hey, there are those people that we know.
Jess Day : Oh, what people?
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Jess Day : Is it bad that I can't feel my legs?
Schmidt : Yes. Now let's talk about my problems. Jess, I have to go home with Brooke tonight. I deserve someone like Brooke. She's perfect, and it doesn't matter that I have gymnastic, mean-spirited, highly educational sex with Gretchen. It's just, that's not what I want to do anymore, okay? Not tonight.
Jess Day : What's so bad about liking Gretchen? I mean, you guys obviously have, like, a weird connection.
Schmidt : No, no, no, no. I want to connect with Brooke. I want to connect with her in the shower, on the floor...
Jess Day : Okay, you know what?
Schmidt : ...sitting Indian style.
Jess Day : You can keep talking, but I'm gonna put my hands over my ears.
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Nick Miller : That is the ugliest dress I have ever seen, Jess.
Schmidt : I'm really gonna need you to step it up tonight, okay? When I see you, I want to be thinking "Who let the dirty slut out of the slut house?"
Jess Day : [adopting a Cockney accent] Probably the slut butler, right?
