The Dictator (2012)

Jason Mantzoukas: Nadal

Photos 

Quotes 

• [Aboard the helicopter, Aladeen and Nadal are smiling at the American tourists in front of them, as Aladeen points at his sheriff's badge] 

  General Aladeen : I love being an Americans! America is number one! Oh, I am from U.S.A.! My father also from U.S.A.! My great-grandfather fought in the American Civil Jihad. I am very proud to be an American. I am America's number one douche.

  [Nadal sighs] 

  General Aladeen : [Speaking in Wadiyan]  I've fooled them. Job done.

  Nadal : [Speaking in Wadiyan]  So, how are things back at the Palace?

  General Aladeen : [Speaking in Wadiyan]  Fine, but guess who's still living in my guest house?

  Nadal : [Speaking in Wadiyan]  Ooh, Bin Laden?

  General Aladeen : [Speaking in Wadiyan]  Yes, Osama. Bin Laden flooding the bathroom every time he showers... And how hard is it to put a bath mat down, Bin Laden?

  [Tourists look worried] 

  General Aladeen : [Speaking in Wadiyan]  Hey, do you remember my favorite sports car?

  Nadal : [Speaking in Wadiyan]  You mean your Porsche?

  General Aladeen : [Speaking in Wadiyan]  Yes... the 911.

  Nadal : 911, it's the best!

  General Aladeen : [Speaking in Wadiyan]  So I was driving the 911 near the Palace one day...

  [making hand gestures of driving the car] 

  General Aladeen : and I totally crashed!

  [Aladeen and Nadal laugh as the tourists get more nervous] 

  General Aladeen : [Speaking in Wadiyan]  It's okay, I've already ordered a new one. A brand new 911 2012.

  [Tourists get even more nervous] 

  Nadal : [Speaking in Wadiyan]  You know, while you are here, you should try to see some of the sights such as the Empire State Building and Yankee Stadium.

  General Aladeen : [Speaking in Wadiyan]  And I'd love to see the fireworks over the Statue of Liberty.

  [makes exploding sounds before giving Nadal a high-five and looking at the tourists] 

  Nadal : [Speaking in Wadiyan]  Hey, have your old back problems been bothering you?

  General Aladeen : [Speaking in Wadiyan]  Oh, it's been terrible! It got so bad that I made myself a back brace.

  Nadal : [Speaking in Wadiyan]  Really?

  General Aladeen : [Speaking in Wadiyan]  Yes, look, I'm still wearing it.

  [unzips his jacket to reveal a black vest with strings on it] 

  General Aladeen : Hey, my English is getting good. I bet I can count down from five faster than you can!

  General Aladeen , Nadal : Five, four, three, two, one!

  [the tourists scream. Later, Aladeen and Nadal have their mug shots taken] 

• Nadal : I am a mac genius.

  General Aladeen : So what do you do?

  Nadal : Mostly I clean semen out of laptops.

• Nadal : When the thought of someones decapitated head upsets you, that is love.

• [Nadal notices Aladeen walking funny as they approach the helicopter] 

  Nadal : Are you okay?

  General Aladeen : My guy has a limp. I fell off me horse at the old Bull & Bush Pub because I'm a cockney.

  Nadal : Listen, listen, okay? You need to focus up right now and be prepared to deliver a small, subtle performance.

  General Aladeen : Okay, great, okay.

  Nadal : Okay, good.

  General Aladeen : [Pulling eyelids backwards]  Okay, so when we go to fly...

  Nadal : [Slaps Aladeen's hands off]  Don't do that with your eyes! You can't be a Chinese person on this thing, okay?

  General Aladeen : I'm not Chink, I'm Chinese-American!

  Nadal : No, but you cannot hold your eyes! Nobody is going to think you're Chinese-American because you hold your eyes like that! It's racist, what you're doing!

  General Aladeen : Do you know it's a fact that they cannot pronounce their R's? They pronounce them as L's. So instead you know what 'rabbit' is in Chinese?

  Nadal : I don't know how to speak Chinese.

  General Aladeen : It's 'labbit'.

  Nadal : It's not 'labbit'!

  General Aladeen : Yes! 'Who Shot Loger Labbit' was a huge hit in China!

  Nadal : Nobody... It's stup... All right, I don't care! This is stupid, okay?

  General Aladeen : Okay, I'll do Filipino. I like to work, I like to talk.

  [pulling eyelids backwards] 

  General Aladeen : I like the shit, I do the kids.

  Nadal : [Pulling Aladeen's hands off]  Stop that! Your Filipino is the same as your Chinese!

  General Aladeen : Now who's being a lacist? You're being lacist now!

  Nadal : I'm not being racist! Right now, we have to get on this helicopter and we have to act like true Americans.

  General Aladeen : I guess you don't want me to play black, then.

  Nadal : Of course, I don't want you to play black.

  General Aladeen : Okay, just throwing it out there.

  Nadal : Okay. Don't.

• [Aladeen and Nadal are dispiting the shape of the nuclear missile] 

  General Aladeen : Have you consulted Professor Bobeye about this?

  Nadal : Professor who?

  General Aladeen : Bobeye. He is the one whose forearms are very large in proportion to his body.

  Nadal : I believe his name is Popeye.

  General Aladeen : Bobeye.

  Nadal : Popeye. And he is not a professor. He is, as the song says, a sailor man.

• [Aladeen and Nadal are at Gotham Helicopter Tours, preparing to board the helicopter] 

  Nadal : Here's the plan: We're going to take this helicopter tour and fly over the Lancaster to spot its weaknesses. Remember, we're just two ordinary American tourists looking at the sights.

  General Aladeen : [Wearing an American flag jogging suit and a sheriff's badge]  Don't worry, nobody gonna suspect anything. It's a great plan, pointy.

  Nadal : Don't do anything to arouse any suspicions.

  General Aladeen : Don't worry, I am Wadiya's number one actor. You don't win four Wadiyan Golden Globes for nothing.

  Nadal : Yes you do, because you gave them to yourself!

  General Aladeen : My performance in 'Aladeen Jones and the Temple of Doom' was outstanding.

  Nadal : I gave it thumbs down.

  General Aladeen : Have you seen 'You've Got Mail Bomb'?

  Nadal : Yes, I've seen them all! They're all terrible movies! Listen to me, okay? You are a terrible actor. I urge you, right now, keep your performance small and real.

  General Aladeen : All right. Can you get me a cloak?

  Nadal : Why?

  General Aladeen : Because I think my guy would be wearing a cloak.

  Nadal : No. Your guy wears an American flag sweatsuit and a sheriff's badge.

  General Aladeen : I need the sheriff's badge.

  Nadal : For what? You're the sheriff of American douche-town!

  General Aladeen : That's rude.

  Nadal : Listen: We're going to walk over there, act very inconspicuous.

  General Aladeen : Okay, no problem.

  Nadal : This has to work.

  General Aladeen : Don't worry, just relax.

• Nadal : If this constitution is signed, there will be free press, women drivers, civil rights!

  Aladeen : What are "civil rights"?

  Nadal : I'll tell you later. They're hilarious. Look, you alone can stop these terrible things from happening. You are the last great dictator! All of the others are gone! Qaddafi, Saddam, Kim Jong, Cheney.

  Aladeen : You are right, Nadal. I will become the greatest dictator of all, the envy of madmen everywhere!

  Nadal : Yes, Supreme Leader!

  Aladeen : From the mountaintops of North Korea to the jungles of Zimbabwe, let every child laborer and sweatshop factory worker sing, "Oppressed at last! Oppressed at last! "Thank Aladeen, I am oppressed at last!"

• General Aladeen : I've discovered this amazing thing. I have to show you how to do it. It's called self juicing, You put your hand on your bilbul and you rub it, and then you can make your own labeneh come out. You don't have to spend any Rolexes. You don't have to give any dirty diamonds.

  Nadal : I cannot believe I'm having this conversation with an adult man.

  General Aladeen : What do you mean? You knew about this?

  Nadal : Everybody knows about this. We all know about this from the age of 12, 13.

  General Aladeen : Why does nobody ever tell me anything?

  Nadal : Because you have everybody executed who tells you anything.

• Nadal : Look, where has being a nice guy gotten you, huh? Standing on the edge of a bridge about to commit suicide? Still wearing Crocs?

  Aladeen : What's wrong with Crocs?

  Nadal : They are the universal symbol of a man who has given up hope! You might as well put sweatpants on and go to Applebee's for the rest of your life!

  Aladeen : I'll give you that one, I do look ridiculous.

• General Aladeen : You are such a schmuck!

  Nadal : Why are you speaking Yiddish?

  General Aladeen : I picked it up.

  Nadal : What do you mean, "I picked it up"? Who picks up Yiddish?

  General Aladeen : I'm in New York!

  Nadal : We're trying to erase that country off the map!

  General Aladeen : I don't like the people, but I like the way that their words really sound like what they're meant to be.

• General Aladeen : Listen, I'm thinking of revealing my true identity to the hairy titted ape woman.

  Nadal : Whoa! No, what? Why would you even do that?

  General Aladeen : I think she'll be cool with it.

  Nadal : She will not be cool with it.

  General Aladeen : How is she to judge? She shaves her armpits once a year, and she takes lovers outside of her ethnic group. Are my crimes any worse than hers?