- Homer Simpson: Me, the patriarch of a pigeon-racing dynasty.
- [Thought bubble shows Homer with trophy; Danica Patrick appears]
- Danica Patrick: Congratulations, Homer.
- Homer Simpson: Danica Patrick in my thoughts?
- Danica Patrick: That's right, Homer. I'm contractually obligated by my sponsors to appear in random fan's fantasies. Better not tell Marge about it.
- Marge Simpson: You brickyard bimbo!
- [They fight; the thought bubble fades]
- Homer Simpson: I ended that a little too soon.
- [Thought bubble reappears with Danica and Marge beating up Homer]
- Homer Simpson: What they don't suspect is that I'm into this.
- Marge Simpson: A doctor who treats kids and pets?
- Dr. Thurmond: Hey, in this economy I'll even remove tattoos.
- Homer Simpson: Can you remove my tramp stamp? I got the idea from watching a show where people regret these.
- Homer Simpson: Listen to the man, Marge. He pays Bart's salary.
- Marge Simpson: No, he doesn't.
- Homer Simpson: Why don't you ever support my gibberish? I'd do it if you were stupid.
- Lisa Simpson: Looks like you're going to have to take care of it, Bart.
- Bart Simpson: Me? What in my long, sad history with frogs makes you think I can take care of a bird?
- Homer Simpson: [chasing Santa's Little Helper around the backyard] Stupid dog! Let go of that delicious bird!
- Moe Szyslak: Have you ever thought of racing that bird?
- Homer Simpson: You can bet on pigeons?
- Moe Szyslak: Hey, if it moves you can bet on it.
- Bart Simpson: What about the Detroit Lions?
- Moe Szyslak: Hey, lay off Detroit. Them people is going through Mad Max times.
- Bart Simpson: I don't know. This coop looks a little flimsy.
- Homer Simpson: Flimsy, eh? This gentle pat says different.
- [Homer pats coop; the staples pop off and the frame collapses; the chicken wire rolls up back into the box and the staples fall in place to close it]
- Homer Simpson: D'oh!
- Bart Simpson: Why are we taking it with us? And this time I don't mean Lisa.
- Lisa Simpson: I'ts amazing how I can pity you and hate you at the same time. I bet there's a German word for it.
- Edna Krabappel: I won't ask who sent the message if I can use the pigeon to send an message of my own.
- Bart Simpson: As long as we're not learning.
- Edna Krabappel: Deal.
- Mr. Burns: [Reads note from pigeon] "Do a little dance while wearing no clothes." Bad grammar. Good advice.
- Nelson Muntz: What do you think, Mom?
- Mrs. Muntz: Why don't you ask your new father?
- [Birthday clown honks horn]
- Nelson Muntz: You haven't earned the right to call me that!
- Bart Simpson: Go ahead, make fun of me. I lost my heart to a bird.
- Nelson Muntz: [Unenthusiastic] Haw-haw.
- Bart Simpson: Man, you are not into that. What's wrong?
- Nelson Muntz: My mom ran away with my birthday clown.