- Jefferson Steel: You know what happened to the last director who thought they were smarter than me?
- Dorothy Nettle: They won an Oscar?
- Nigel Dewberry: [about Jefferson Steel] Let's face it, he is no Laurence Olivier. In fact, he might even be the first actor in history that's actually too old to play Lear. He'd make a damn good Yorick.
- Kevin Patel: Who's Yorick?
- Nigel Dewberry: The skull in Hamlet.
- Jefferson Steel: Nigel. You're acting like an ass. If anybody acts like an ass around here it's gonna be me.
- Jan Kopye: [At casting call] Amanda. My people loved you in that Pride and... eh... Punishment thing.
- Amanda Blacke: Yeah, thanks.
- Jan Kopye: Can you get naked? We want to get on with it.
- Amanda Blacke: Excuse me, what?
- Jan Kopye: Just take your clothes off.
- Amanda Blacke: Eh... which scene from Sense and Sensibility is this?
- Jan Kopye: The orgy scene.
- Dorothy Nettle: [to Jefferson Steel] You can thank Verity. She was the one who thought Amanda might have some insight into playing the daughter of a madman.
- Jefferson Steel: [suggesting a play he might appear in the following year] How about Richard III?
- Amanda Blacke: Yeah, you're good at sequels.
- Sat Nav Voice: You are now leaving Beverly Hills. Are you sure you want to be in this neighbourhood?
- Jefferson Steel: Excuse me. So sorry to bother you, Mr Steel.
- [hands him a piece of paper and a pen]
- Stewardess: No problem, honey. Who shall I sign it to?
- Jefferson Steel: The United Kingdom Immigration Department. It's your landing card.
- Jefferson Steel: Then Richard III it is. What's that about again?
- Dorothy Nettle: It's about power and seduction.
- Jefferson Steel: Well, I'll have to do some research.
- Jefferson Steel: [after his fellow actors have been introduced to him] I don't recognize any of these people. I mean, where is Judi Dench? Where's Kenny Branagh? Just throw in one of the Redgraves.
- Dorothy Nettle: All otherwise engaged, I'm afraid.
- Jefferson Steel: I need to talk to the director.
- Dorothy Nettle: You are.
- Jefferson Steel: You are the director?
- Dorothy Nettle: Yes, I am.
- Jefferson Steel: I thought you were the driver.
- Dorothy Nettle: Well, I'm that too.
- Verity Nettle: She's also playing the fool.
- Jefferson Steel: She's in anaphylactic shock. You're going to need adrenaline, a laryngoscope, ventilatory support.
- Doctor: Are you a doctor?
- Jefferson Steel: No, but I played one in a movie.
- Dorothy Nettle: Do you deliberately set out to offend people?
- Jefferson Steel: No, it just comes natural.
- [smiles and greets a good looking young woman passing them in the street]
- Dorothy Nettle: [under her breath] Except when they are pretty blondes.
- Jefferson Steel: I rest my case.
- Nigel Dewberry: Well, I defer to the director.
- Dorothy Nettle: [stammering] I... eh... I think there is a definitive performance lying somewhere between Californian realism and English mellifluence.
- Jefferson Steel: I'm leaving.
- Nigel Dewberry: Not before me.
- [Both run to the door, Nigel Dewberry reaches it first, leaves, and slams the door behind him]
- Jefferson Steel: I can slam the door... *louder*!
- Jefferson Steel: I told you it works better in a bigger venue.
- Dorothy Nettle: You really are mad.
- Amanda Blacke: What's the point of being a movie star if you can't hire the Old Vic for a few nights?
- [First lines]
- Girl on Motorbike: [On the screen of a cinema] That was one hell of a bang.
- Jefferson Steel: [On the screen of a cinema] You ain't seen nothing yet.
- [passionately kisses the girl on the back of his bike]
- 1st Cinema Girl: Ewww. That is so gross.
- 2nd Cinema Girl: He is *so* old.
- 1st Cinema Girl: I know. She could be, like, his granddaughter.