I Love You, Man (2009)
Paul Rudd: Peter Klaven
Photos
Quotes
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Peter Klaven : Totally... Totes McGotes.
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Sydney Fife : You get home safe, Pistol.
Peter Klaven : You got it, Joben.
Sydney Fife : I'm sorry, what?
Peter Klaven : Er... nothing.
Sydney Fife : No, what did you say?
Peter Klaven : Nah, I don't know... You nicknamed me Pistol, and I just called you... "Joben"... It means nothing... I don't... I'm drunk... I'm gonna call a cab.
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Peter Klaven : I love you, man.
Sydney Fife : I love you, too, bud.
Peter Klaven : I love you, dude.
Sydney Fife : I love you, Bro Montana.
Peter Klaven : I love you, holmes.
Sydney Fife : I love you, Broseph Goebbels.
Peter Klaven : I love you, muchacha.
Sydney Fife : I love you, Tycho Brohe.
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Doug : I just wish I could take back that kiss...
Sydney Fife : Woah!
[Looks at Peter]
Doug : ...because now I know it was the taste of betrayal.
Peter Klaven : It wasn't the taste of betrayal!
Doug : It was the taste of betrayal.
Peter Klaven : It wasn't the ta...
Doug : It was the taste of betrayal... you fucking whore!
[Storms off]
Peter Klaven : [to Sydney] I can actually explain that.
Sydney Fife : I would love to hear that!
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Peter Klaven : Slapping the bass! Slappa da bass! Slappa da bass mon! Slappa de bass mon!
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Peter Klaven : Hey Mel? Do you have any plans on June 30th?
Mel Stein : ...I'm 89 years old what the fuck kind of plans would I have?
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Peter Klaven : Are you telling me that Robbie is your best friend?
Oswald Klaven : Yes, and Hank Marducas.
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Sydney Fife : Society tells us we're civilized but the truth is we are animals. Sometimes we just have to let it out. Try it.
Peter Klaven : Blaaah!
Sydney Fife : Good. Now gently remove your tampon and try again.
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Sydney Fife : [on phone] Just meet me at Muscle Beach in like... I don't know... half an hour?
Peter Klaven : Muscle Beach. Half an hour. I will see you there or I will see you on another time.
Sydney Fife : That was very confusing. I don't know if you're gonna come or not?
Peter Klaven : No, I'll be there. I'll be there.
Sydney Fife : [laughing] Alright I'll see you then, buddy.
Peter Klaven : Alright. Laters on the menjay.
[Hangs up]
Peter Klaven : What did I just say?
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Peter Klaven : So what do i do? How do i make friends?
Robbie Klaven : If you see a cool looking guy, strike up a conversation and ask him on a man date.
Peter Klaven : Ok.
Robbie Klaven : You know what i mean?
Peter Klaven : No.
Robbie Klaven : Casual lunch or after work drinks. You're not taking these boys to see The Devil Wears Prada.
Peter Klaven : Ohhhh god i love that movie. No I wont.
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Peter Klaven : Laters on the menjay.
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Peter Klaven : She was very nice looking.
Sydney Fife : Yeah, I fucked her.
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Peter Klaven : Did you know that the best night I've had in the last 5 years is a night that Zooey and I split a bottle of wine, we made a summer salad and watched "Chocolat" together?
Sydney Fife : You mean "Chocolate"?
Peter Klaven : Chocolat.
Sydney Fife : Chocolate with Johnny Depp.
Peter Klaven : Chocolat.
Sydney Fife : You're not fucking French Pete, it's called "Chocolate".
Peter Klaven : Chocolate's got an 'E' on at the end.
Sydney Fife : That was your favorite night?
Peter Klaven : Yes.
Sydney Fife : Your best night in 5 years is watching "Chocolate" with Johnny Depp? You should be ashamed of yourself.
Peter Klaven : With the combination of wine and summer salad and "Chocolat", yeah!
Sydney Fife : [Quietly] You should be embarrassed.
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Peter Klaven : [after winning at a drinking contest] In your faaace! In your...
[vomits on Barry's face]
Peter Klaven : I'm sorry.
Barry : Get out of my house.
Peter Klaven : I'm so sorry.
Barry : Just get out of my fucking house.
Peter Klaven : I'm so...
Barry : This is not cool, get the fuck out!
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Peter Klaven : I'm Peter Klaven, I'm the Realtor.
Sydney Fife : Hey check out these two. That guy needs to fart.
Peter Klaven : He does seem to be clenching.
Sydney Fife : Watch the leg... Boom!
Peter Klaven : He farted in my open house.
Sydney Fife : He sure did.
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Peter Klaven : I gotta get some fucking friends.
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Peter Klaven : Look man you told my fiancee she needs to give me bloweys, in front of my whole family. Alright you owe me.
Sydney Fife : You make a valid point.
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Peter Klaven : So I'm thinking about asking Tevin if he wants in on the Ferrigno house.
Sydney Fife : Dude, I pissed on that guy's face at a Bennigans, you do not need to be splitting commission with that frosty-haired chode.
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Peter Klaven : [imitating James Bond] Hey there Miss Moneypussy. Wanna jump on my jet pack?
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Peter Klaven : I think we should spend some time apart.
Sydney Fife : Okay.
Peter Klaven : So if I actually do wind up having a wedding, its probably best that you... not be there.
Sydney Fife : Yep. Sounds good to me, Pete.
Peter Klaven : And if you could have those billboards taken down...
Sydney Fife : Yeah, yeah, yeah. It will take a few days, but I will get on that. And I'll also make sure you get your money back as soon as possible.
Peter Klaven : Also I think you have my Season 2 LOST DVDs. If you could... If you haven't watched them yet. It's no...
Sydney Fife : [Grabs DVD box] It's fine, Pete. They're right here.
[Throws DVD box]
Peter Klaven : [Catches] Thanks.
Peter Klaven : Its just that Zooey hasn't seen them all yet. She's really curious is to what was going on inside that Hatch.
Sydney Fife : Yep.
Sydney Fife : [Shakes hand] I wish you the very best of luck, Peter.
Peter Klaven : You too, Sydney.
Peter Klaven : [to Anwar] Bye, Anwar.
Anwar Sadat : [Snarls]
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Peter Klaven : Why is it weird that I have girl friends?
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Sydney Fife : Wait, you jerked off to a picture of your own girl friend? You - that - wow, that is sick! Oh my God, what is *wrong* with you?
Peter Klaven : What's wrong with that?
Sydney Fife : Pedro, there is so much wrong - I don't even know where to begin... That is sick, man!
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Peter Klaven : Rush! I love Rush!
Sydney Fife : Dude! Rush is greatest rock band of all time!
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Peter Klaven : Do you need a plastic bag, or...
Sydney Fife : Oh no. I don't clean up after my dog.
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Peter Klaven : I will see you there, or I will see you on another time!
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[first lines]
Peter Klaven : So, my plan is to create this cluster of live/work lofts all along the perimeter here. And - come here - also I'm planning this neighborhoody, kind of dining and retail area in the central square. You know I even had this thought that you, Denise, and Haley could open up a second location for your store...
Zooey : Really? Because Denise keeps talking about wanting to open up another branch.
Peter Klaven : Well it would be great. I I look, the land is a little pricey, so I couldn't develop it right away. But once I sell the Ferrigno Estate I figured out I could at least put a down payment on it, and still have enough money left over for the reception in Santa Barbara...
Zooey : What are you talking about, what reception?
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Sydney Fife : [Extended Scene] And for the record, I saw Chocolat. Just delightful.
Peter Klaven : It is, right?
Sydney Fife : Yeah. I didn't expect to like it but Johnny Depp is just so versatile and winning.
Peter Klaven : He's the best, he's the best.
Sydney Fife : From Jump Street to Fleet Street, the man is a revelation.
Peter Klaven : Depp wins you over.
Sydney Fife : I hated him in Don Juan DeMarco so much I never gave him a second chance - but this time he's Gilbert Great.
Peter Klaven : You don't think you're gonna like it but then you do because he's so good.
Sydney Fife : You know what I like is that he's willing to discard conventional feelings about how to carry yourself as a movie star and live the way that he wants to.
Peter Klaven : You really get the feeling he does what he wants to do. It's amazing. He was in Platoon. Check out Donnie Brasco.
Sydney Fife : Brasco, my God.
Peter Klaven : I like Ed Wood, too.
Sydney Fife : That guy can act. The combination of the chocolate and his acting, it lulled me into acquiescence.
[Zooey yawns]
Peter Klaven : So many times those romantic comedies with food don't work for me. Like Water for Chocolate.
Sydney Fife : Ah, Como Agua Para Chocolate. I read it in the original Spanish.
Peter Klaven : Big Night's good too. That's another movie with food.
Sydney Fife : Yeah. That's with Joe Mantegna?
Peter Klaven : No, that's Stanley Tucci.
Sydney Fife : He's great. He's an actor's actor.
[Barry sneaks out to take a call]
Peter Klaven : Yeah, I think so too. As is Tony Shalhoub.
Sydney Fife : Yeah.
Peter Klaven : Depp, man. Did you know he modelled Jack Sparrow after Keith Richard? From the Rolling Stone, from Rolling Stones.
Sydney Fife : Same old Pete.
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Peter Klaven : I just don't see how having somebody piss on my face is going to help me sell Lou Ferrigno's house.
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Joyce Klaven : Peter always connected better with women.
Zooey : You know, I can see that because he is a great boyfriend.
Peter Klaven : Thank you fiancee.
Oswald Klaven : Also, you got to understand, Zooey, Peter matured sexually at a very early age. I remember taking him swimming when he was twelve-years-old, kid had a bush like a forty-year-old Serbian.
Peter Klaven : Oh come on!
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Peter Klaven : Why does everything I do sound like a leprechaun?
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Peter Klaven : [Sydney falls backwards off the couch] Sydney, you all right?
Sydney Fife : My fuckin' ass!
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Peter Klaven : Hey Tevin.
Tevin Downey : Hey man.
Peter Klaven : What's so funny?
Tevin Downey : One of the guys in my fantasy football league just sent me a QuickTime, it's a grandma riding a Sybian machine.
Peter Klaven : Ha ha, what's that?
Tevin Downey : It's one of those vibrating saddles that women sit on to give them like super intense orgasms.
Peter Klaven : Ohh...
Tevin Downey : Check it out. How sick is that?
Peter Klaven : It's very, that's very sick.
Tevin Downey : So awesome. She's a squirter! She's squirting! Peter, we got a squirter! Old faithful!
Peter Klaven : Hello fiance.
Zooey : Hey baby I totally forgot it's my turn to host lady's night.
Peter Klaven : Oh no prob, I have a fencing practice anyway. I'll grab a beer with Gil and the boys afterward, hit them with the big news
Zooey : Great! I gotta go, love you.
Peter Klaven : Love you too.
Tevin Downey : Peter! Peter! I'm sending it to you.
Peter Klaven : No I don't want it.
Tevin Downey : You got it.
Peter Klaven : Ohh God. I don't even click it, how does it, I didn't click it on
Tevin Downey : She got a bush like a porcupine!
Peter Klaven : I don't want to know anything about her bush. Hi, Lynette.
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[Last lines]
Sydney Fife : I'd just like to make a quick toast.
Peter Klaven : [Grabs Sydney's mic] No!
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Peter Klaven : Hey, Sydney! I could be in Venice by five. I could do that.