- Alana: [during a fight] Este, don't you even look at me! Don't you even look at me! You're always looking at me!
- Este: Oh, my...
- Alana: What are you doing?
- Este: I didn't even say anything!
- Alana: What are you doing? What are you thinking, huh? "I'm Este. I work for mom and dad. I'm perfect! I'm a real estate agent. Alana doesn't have her life together. Alana brings home stupid boyfriends all the time."
- Este: I mean...
- Alana: I knew it! I knew that was what you were thinking. You're always thinking things, you thinker! You thinker! You think things!
- Jon Peters: How big is your penis hole?
- Gary Valentine: ...normal-sized?
- Jon Peters: How do you know that?
- Alana: What does your penis look like?
- Lance Brannigan: What?
- Alana: What does your penis look like?
- Lance Brannigan: Like a regular penis, I guess.
- Alana: Is it circumcised?
- Lance Brannigan: Yeah...
- Alana: Then you're a fucking Jew!
- Gary Valentine: You say everything twice.
- Alana: I don't say everything twice! What is this, say everything twice?
- Alana: You don't even know what's going on in the world. You think that the world revolves around Gary Valentine and whatever stupid shit you come up with.
- Gary Valentine: It does.
- Alana: No it doesn't.
- Gary Valentine: Yes, it does.
- Alana: I'm cooler than you. Don't forget it.
- Gary Valentine: I don't need you to tell me whether I'm cool or not, old lady.
- Alana: What was that?
- Gary Valentine: I said "milady".
- Mary Grady: You're a goddamn fucking fighter, aren't you? I like that. I can see that. You come here trying to be all pretty for me, but really, you remind me... of a dog. Of an English pit bull dog... with sex appeal. And... a very Jewish nose.
- Jon Peters: My only problem in life is that I love tail too much. I love it. I love it so much. I love it so much. Is that your sister?
- Gary Valentine: No.
- Jon Peters: It's your girlfriend?
- Gary Valentine: No.
- Jon Peters: I love it so much, it's gonna kill me one day. You know how much tail I get?
- Gary Valentine: No.
- Jon Peters: All of it. It's all mine.
- Alana: Stop.
- Gary Valentine: What?
- Alana: I can hear you breathing. Stop.
- Gary Valentine: Breathing?
- Alana: Yes.
- Alana: Are you asking me out?
- Gary Valentine: Yes.
- Alana: I'm not going on a date with you, you're twelve.
- Gary Valentine: You're funny. I'm fifteen.
- Joel Wachs: All that we need are people in positions of power to remember to be who they were when they were voted in.
- Gary Valentine: Hello, gorgeous.
- Alana: Hello, handsome.
- Gary Valentine: Come here often?
- Alana: No, 'cause I'm not a teenager. I'm selling earrings for my friend JoJo.
- Gary Valentine: Is your bottom soggy? Having trouble sleeping?
- Alana: Well, now that you mention it...
- Gary Valentine: Boyfriend trouble?
- Alana: No boyfriend. So I don't really have trouble.
- Gary Valentine: Well, that's good.
- Gary Valentine: I'm sorry, I don't wanna make you any later than you already are. You can leave.
- Jon Peters: ...look at you. You cocky motherfucker.
- Alana: What's your name?
- Waterbed Ted: Uh, Ted.
- Alana: Ted.
- Waterbed Ted: Yes.
- Alana: Oh, Ted, I love that name.
- Waterbed Ted: Okay...
- Alana: My name's Alana.
- Waterbed Ted: Hi, Alana.
- Alana: Can I come and install the bed for you?
- Waterbed Ted: What?
- Alana: I'd lay it down and show you how it works. It moves in a similar way to the ocean... wet inside. And it takes some getting used to, but once you're in there, oh, Ted, I don't think you're gonna be asking any questions.
- Waterbed Ted: Sounds like you just sold a waterbed, Alana. Tell me, what time can you be over with that bed?
- Alana: Oh, well. Eager. I have to wait until my work is done.
- Waterbed Ted: Oh, yeah?
- Alana: Yeah. I have a mean, old boss that makes me work all day.
- Waterbed Ted: Why don't you tell Fat Bernie you have work to do and get out of there?
- Alana: Oh. Fat Bernie is so mean, Ted.
- Waterbed Ted: Sounds like it.
- Alana: He keeps me locked up inside. But you know what, Ted?
- Waterbed Ted: What's that?
- Alana: I know you're gonna love our wet beds. You know what they come with?
- Waterbed Ted: What's that?
- Alana: A wood headboard. And that wood is strong and sticks straight up against the wall.
- Waterbed Ted: That sounds great.
- Jon Peters: How about your dad? You have a good relationship with your dad?
- Alana: Yeah.
- Jon Peters: What does he do?
- Alana: Real estate.
- Jon Peters: Did he reach you how to drive? You're good at it! It's not easy... Gary can't do it.