- [Patty has her hand inside a soda machine]
- Officer Bobbi Bowman: Are you stuck again Patty?
- Patty: No. I'm just trying to get my hand cold for a client who's into dead people.
- Timothy Stack: Good evening, my good man. Do you know who I am?
- Officer Stuart Daniels: Of course I do, Mr. Stack.
- Timothy Stack: I'm TV's Tim Stack, from movies and basic cable television. 62 items on my IMDb page. 62. But they screwed me. They counted my Quincy two-parter as one thing.
- Officer Bobbi Bowman: [noticing the marijuana plants in Grandma Turner's apartment] Ma'am, whose room is this?
- Darnell's Grandmother: Oh, those are my grandson's; he has such a green thumb. Why, people call him all night long to ask for advice on growing things.
- [Darnell walks into the room]
- Darnell's Grandmother: Why there's my grandson now! Hey peanut, I was just showing this nice officer your plants.
- Officer Bobbi Bowman: [Darnell grabs two plants and jumps out of the window] Hey, come back here! Dammit!
- Earl: [Earl and Joy are riding in a stolen police car when Joy pulls over a young woman] Wait, that's my ex girlfriend. I can't let her see me; she thinks I'm dead.
- Joy: Oh, hell yes; this is going to be fun.
- [using the loudspeaker]
- Joy: The driver will get out of the car. Ok, slut, put your hands on the fender and spread your legs. I'm sure that won't be difficult for you.
- Natalie Duckworth: I'm not a slut! I only slept with one man!
- Earl: [Looking into the 'COPS' camera and grinning] That was me; yeah, I hit that.