The Thick of It (TV Series)
Episode #2.3 (2005)
Chris Langham: Hugh Abbot
Photos
Quotes
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Oliver Reeder : Who wants to go and watch bollockvision?
Hugh Abbott : Bollockvision?
Oliver Reeder : Mr. Malcolm Tucker, turning it all the way up to eleven down in the lobby. Come and have a look.
[cut to them all watching Tucker shouting at another minister on an adjacent floor from a balcony]
Hugh Abbott : Poor Keith. Malcolm must fucking love this place, four ministers in one building. It's his dream, a one-stop bollock shop.
Glenn Cullen : Trouble is we're going to be getting some of that in about an hour.
Hugh Abbott : Yeah. I don't know which is worse, watching him slowly rumble towards you like a prostate cancer or him appearing suddenly out of nowhere like a severe stroke.
[Terri, whose father just died, looks at him]
Hugh Abbott : Oh. How's your sister coping?
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Malcolm Tucker : So, did you enjoy the show?
Glenn Cullen : You were magnificent, darling!
Hugh Abbott : Yeah, should I phone Keith so I can get his team to watch you bollock me now?
Malcolm Tucker : No no no. Have I got my bollocking face on?
Hugh Abbott : Well, I...
Malcolm Tucker : [making a seriously scary face] No, this is my bollocking face.
Hugh Abbott : Oh, crickey, yes. Thanks for the pot plant, by the way.
Malcolm Tucker : Did I send that?
Hugh Abbott : As an office warming present.
Malcolm Tucker : Christ, she's a great PA isn't she, Sam? She always remembers the little people. Look at the size of that fucker, you can fucking crucify somebody on that!
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Claire Ballantine : Are you lying to me now about not lying to me before?
Hugh Abbott : No, No... I am not a liar! I categorically did not knowingly not tell the truth, even though unknowingly i might not have done.
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Hugh Abbott : So, citizenshit. What we need to do to knock together some nice, touchy-feely, fondle-y, sneaky, hand-in-the-bra sort of policies.
Glenn Cullen : New bicycles for special constables, that sort of thing?
Hugh Abbott : Yeah. Yeah.
Oliver Reeder : Making special needs kids clean up graffiti.
Hugh Abbott : Yeah, that's just very mean.
Oliver Reeder : Well, yes. Not, of course, as mean as making them spell graffiti. That genuinely is very mean.
Glenn Cullen : [gets up and leaves] I'll go and have a word with Malcolm.
Oliver Reeder : OK.
Hugh Abbott : You just took a shit with your clothes on, Olly.
Oliver Reeder : Why?
Hugh Abbott : Glenn's boy, Peter, he went to a special needs school.
Oliver Reeder : Oh.
Hugh Abbott : Yep.
Oliver Reeder : Glenn's had sex.
Hugh Abbott : God, you are such a prick, Olly. There's more to life, you know, than drinks parties at the Foreign Office and having Nick Robinson's mobile number on your fucking Blackberry.
Oliver Reeder : All right, all right, fine. Sorry, Hugh. I feel for the guy, I had a girlfriend with special needs once, so I know.
[with a smile]
Oliver Reeder : Luckily I was able to fulfil them.
Hugh Abbott : Oh, God, you're such a...
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Hugh Abbott : [looking at a 7 foot pot plant in his office] Where did that come from?
Oliver Reeder : Oh, Malcolm sent it.
Hugh Abbott : It's far too big. Why did he send it?
Oliver Reeder : Er, office warming present.
Hugh Abbott : So why did he send us a present?
Oliver Reeder : I dunno.
Hugh Abbott : Has security checked this?
Oliver Reeder : What for? Tiny little terrorists?
Hugh Abbott : Yes.
Oliver Reeder : It's a plant! "Yes"?
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Malcolm Tucker : I like your tan, by the way. Have you declared it? Staying at the villa of an influential friend?
Hugh Abbott : I haven't got any influential friends, Malcolm. You are my only influential friend.
Malcolm Tucker : Oh, yeah, and I'm not really your friend anyway.
Hugh Abbott : You're not really my friend.
Malcolm Tucker : So, this super-schools bill. You don't think it's so super, do you?
Hugh Abbott : You're doing it now.
Malcolm Tucker : What?
Hugh Abbott : That's your bollocking face.
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Hugh Abbott : Is Tucker in the building?
Oliver Reeder : Malcolm in the Middle.
Hugh Abbott : Huh?
Oliver Reeder : It's what they're calling him, 'cause he can stand in the middle of the atrium and just shout at all the departments.
Hugh Abbott : Well, I don't want to see him, not at the moment.I can't take one of his scenes from The Exorcist just now.
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Hugh Abbott : Just grow up, Terri!
Terri Coverley : You should be the one that's doing the growing up!
Hugh Abbott : I am a fucking grown-up, thank you!
Terri Coverley : You could have fooled me, Hugh!
Hugh Abbott : Glenn's son could have fooled you! No offence, Glenn. I'm sorry.
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Hugh Abbott : Christ, Malcolm, how do you appear out of nowhere in a building made entirely of glass?
Malcolm Tucker : I'm a shape shifter.
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Hugh Abbott : [hiding from Malcolm] A man in his 50s, hiding.
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Hugh Abbott : [entering the new offices] Bit too light and airy for my liking.
[points at some backless, bench-like purple sofas]
Hugh Abbott : Ooh, and... these are awful. Do we have to have those? They look like Alicia's Barbie furniture
Terri Coverley : Do you think they match?
Hugh Abbott : Well, they can't... Not if you're going to wear that dress. One of them's going to have to go and I'd rather it was the sofas.