- Quark: What's that disgusting smell?
- Nog: I think it's called tobacco. It's a deadly drug. When used frequently, it destroys the internal organs.
- Quark: If it's so deadly, then why do they use it?
- Nog: It's also highly addictive.
- Rom: How do they get their hands on it?
- Nog: They buy it in stores.
- Quark: [stunned] They buy? If they buy poison they'll buy anything. I think I'm gonna like it here.
- Major Kira: Quark, Rom and Nog together on that ship all the way to Earth? Glad I'm not going with them.
- Captain Ben Sisko: Only thing that worries me... no one warned Earth that they're coming.
- Jake Sisko: You know, aside from playing dom jot and watching the Bajoran transports dock, it seems like we spent most of our time doing nothing.
- Nog: Maybe so. But I can't think of anyone I'd rather do nothing with than you.
- Quark: I'd always heard primitive Humans lacked intelligence, but I had no idea they were this stupid.
- [Quark has realized that the humans are mimicking them slapping their heads. He goes up to the captain and tweeks his own nose, as the captain does the same]
- Quark: [in Ferengi; smiling a little as he speaks] Brik yop tal hopdrew, ki los hoem bog?
- [Translation: If I jumped off a roof, would you do that, too?]
- [the Ferengi are in trouble, as their ship keeps accelerating and is about to be ripped apart]
- Rom: The kemocite! If we vent plasma from the warp core into the cargo hold, we may be able to start a cascade reaction in the kemocite. Then we can modulate the reaction to create an inversion wave in the warp field and force the ship back into normal space. If I time it just right, I should be able to get us close enough to Earth to make an emergency landing.
- Quark: Rom! You're a genius!
- Rom: Think so?
- Quark: How should I know? I have no idea what you're talking about.
- [giving Morn instructions on how to run his bar while he's away]
- Quark: Now remember: don't extend any lines of credit, don't touch the dabo girls, and make sure you keep your eyes on *him*.
- [points out Odo]
- Quark: ...because he'll be keeping his eyes on *you*.
- [Odo approaches]
- Odo: Good choice, Quark. I'm sure Morn will do an excellent job, as long as he doesn't drink up all your profits.
- Quark: Better him than one of my Ferengi waiters. They'd rob me blind.
- [Rom reveals that he found out about Quark smuggling kemocite]
- Quark: What tipped you off?
- Rom: When I engaged the impulse engines, I noticed the ship's weight distribution was a little off. So the last time you went to waste extraction, I snuck back to the cargo bay and took a look around.
- Quark: Where did you get to be so smart?
- Rom: I've always been smart, brother; I've just lacked self-confidence. Of course... I could forget everything I saw.
- Quark: How much?
- Rom: Twenty percent of the profits.
- Quark: [to Nog] I suppose you'll want a cut too?
- Nog: As a Starfleet cadet it's my duty to report any violation of Federation law to my superiors immediately. But then again, I haven't been sworn in yet. I'll take ten percent!
- General Denning: You know, Quark, you might be some kind of Martian...
- Quark: Ferengi.
- General Denning: Whatever. But the more we talk, the more you remind me of my brother-in-law.
- Quark: Is he a businessman?
- General Denning: He's a car salesman, and not a very good one.
- Quark: We're here to open up trade negotiations. If you're not interested, just say so. I'm sure I can do business with one of your planet's other nation states.
- General Denning: In other words, if we don't play ball, you're going to sell these advanced weapons of yours to the Russians?
- Quark: I'd rather it didn't come to that. To be honest, I'd much rather work with you Australians.
- General Denning: Americans!
- Quark: Whatever...
- [Nog has made Wainwright believe that an alien invasion on Earth is about to take place]
- Nog: [showing on a map] The first landing parties will arrive here.
- Wainwright: Where?
- Nog: Here, right by this blue blob.
- Wainwright: You mean your people are going to invade... Cleveland?
- Nog: No, not Cleveland. Right here!
- [hits Wainwright in his genitals]
- Nurse Garland: I only hope that one day mankind will travel to the stars and take its place in the vast Alliance of Planets.
- Rom: "Federation" of Planets.
- Nurse Garland: Excuse me?
- Quark: Er... don't pay any attention to him, he's an idiot!
- [when trying to escape from the military base, the Ferengi and their helpers are intercepted by General Denning and two armed soldiers]
- General Denning: Hold it right there!
- Quark: Stay back!
- Quark: [points at Nurse Garland] ... or I'll disintegrate this hostage.
- General Denning: With your finger?
- Quark: With my death ray.
- General Denning: Looks a lot like a finger to me.
- [last lines]
- [Quark's cousin has tried to kill him earlier]
- Quark: I'm innocent! I tell you, this is all a misunderstanding. Rom, get me a lawyer!
- Rom: I'll contact cousin Gaila. I'm sure he'll know a good one.
- Quark: [as he's being dragged away] ROM, YOU IDIOT!
- Rom: See you in a few weeks, brother.
- [waves after him, smiling]
- [Bashir and O'Brien are giving Nog a goodbye present for his trip to Earth]
- Nog: A guidebook?
- Chief O'Brien: It's not just a guidebook. It's a completely interactive program detailing Earth's customs, culture, history, geography...
- Doctor Bashir: Everything you ever wanted to know about Earth is right there in that PADD.
- Nog: You mean it'll teach me how to attract Human females?
- Chief O'Brien: Well - almost everything.
- Nurse Garland: Imagine the possibilities. Who knows what they could teach us. Few years from now, mankind could have rocket ships of our own. We could travel the galaxy, exploring new worlds and new civilizations!
- Jeff Carlson: Always the dreamer.
- Quark: You people should take better care of yourselves. Stop poisoning your bodies with tobacco and atom bombs. Sooner or later that kind of stuff will kill you.
- General Denning: What do you know about atom bombs?
- Quark: My people have been watching your world for years; we know all about you: baseball... root beer... darts... atom bombs. It's quite a fascinating culture you Humans have here.
- Rom: Maybe we are dead.
- Quark: What're you talking about?
- Rom: Maybe this is the Divine Treasury.
- Quark: Oh, don't be ridiculous, the Divine Treasury is made of pure latinum. Besides, where is the Blessed Exchequer? Where are the Celestial Auctioneers? And why aren't we bidding for our new lives, hmm?
- Rom: You don't think we're in the other place?
- Nog: The Vault of Eternal Destitution?
- Lt. Cmdr. Worf: Ferengi at the Academy. I am not sure that is wise.
- Chief O'Brien: Oh, I don't know about that. Not so long ago, someone might have said the same thing about you.
- [Quark is banging on the door of the examine room, while speaking in the Ferengi language]
- Quark: Guss Uff Wok ton! GUSS UFF WOK TON!
- [Translation: "Let us out of here! LET US OUT OF HERE!"]
- Quark: The speed of technological advancement isn't nearly as important as short term quarterly gains.
- Nurse Garland: [on Rom and Nog] Maybe they're father and son. Wouldn't that be something? They've come from so far away, but they still have the same basic family structure that we do.
- Jeff Carlson: [pointing at Quark] I wonder if the third one's related too.
- Nurse Garland: For all we know, it could be the mother.
- [Quark is shouting at Rom in Ferengi]
- Jeff Carlson: If she is the mother, she's quite a shrew.
- [Rom observes Nurse Garland adjust her hairpin and shouts something at her in Ferengi]
- Jeff Carlson: He seems to want something from you.
- Nurse Garland: You better tell him I'm your girl.
- Nurse Garland: My mother keeps asking where we're going on our honeymoon. She thinks we should go to Niagara Falls.
- Jeff Carlson: Who knows - maybe we'll go to Mars.
- Jeff Carlson: Let me get this straight, Rom; are you saying that all the women on your world walk around naked?
- Rom: Uhuh... It's the law.
- Jeff Carlson: You don't say.
- Nurse Garland: Well, I guess I'm never going to visit your world.
- Nurse Garland: [to Carlson] And neither are you!
- Quark: [after Nurse Garland and Carlson have knocked down the guards] We're all grateful, but couldn't you've done that an hour ago?
- [Odo has freed the Ferengi from a couple of soldiers threatening them]
- Jeff Carlson: Who's he?
- Quark: My hero.
- Jeff Carlson: We gotta get you out of here.
- Rom: Won't you get in trouble for this?
- Quark: Why should they? We forced them to help us by using our, erm...
- Nurse Garland: Your insidious mind control powers?
- Quark: [surprised] That's not bad.
- Rom: [203rd Rule of Acquisition] New customers are like razor-toothed gree-worms. They can be succulent, but sometimes they bite back.
- Wainwright: [after the Ferengi have escaped in their ship] What do we do now, General?
- General Denning: About what, Captain? All we ever found was a crashed weather balloon.
- Wainwright: You know doc, I've always wanted to see what a Maritian looked like from the inside.
- [puts a knife at Quarks throat]
- Nog: Don't you people have laws against this kind of thing?
- Wainwright: Not when it comes to national security.
- Rom: It was an accident! We're from the future! The warp core was sabotaged! It's all Cousin Gaila's fault! I want to go home! I WANT MY MOOGIE!
- [Quark is being interrogated by Wainwright. A very reluctant Nurse Garland is injecting him truth serum]
- Quark: [high piched scream] Whhhhaaaaarrrrrrrrrrggggghhhhhhh! Aaaaaaarrrrrgggghhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaa!
- [shouts pleadingly; in pain]
- Quark: Will you please stop doing that?
- Nurse Garland: [to Wainwright] That's the fifth injection of sodium pentothal I've given him. It's not working.
- Jeff Carlson: Their anatomy is very different from ours.
- Quark: [very peeved] Then,stop sticking me with those needles!