- Bart Simpson: Who are those guys?
- Homer Simpson: That's BTO. They were Canada's answer to ELP. Their biggest hit was TCB. That was how we talked in the seventies. We didn't have a moment to spare.
- Chief Wiggum: [after letting a criminal suspect drive away] I'd rather let a thousand guilty men go free than chase after them.
- Bill Clinton: Thank you Lisa for teaching kids everywhere a valuable lesson. If things don't go your way just keep complaining until your dreams come true.
- Marge Simpson: That's a pretty lousy lesson.
- Bill Clinton: Hey, I'm a pretty lousy President.
- Nelson Muntz: That horse don't take guff from no one!
- Jimbo Jones: Guff?
- Nelson Muntz: I mean sh-
- [Jimbo, Kearney, and Dolph beat Nelson up]
- Comic Book Guy: Excuse me, but I believe this family already had a horse, and the expense forced Homer to work at the Kwik-E-Mart, with hilarious consequences...
- Homer Simpson: [long pause] Does anybody care what this guy thinks?
- Crowd at carnival: NO!
- Barker: Step right up and see Dunkin, the incredible diving horse!
- Marge Simpson: I wish people would stop telling me to step right up.
- Homer: Vietnam veteran.
- Ticket Guy: Do you have a military ID?
- Homer: ID? Man, Charlie didn't ask for ID when I fought at La Choy and Chun King! I saw my best friend's head explode at Margaret Cho!
- Marge: Homer, give him the 50 cents.
- Homer: Why should I? Did my country give me a parade? No, man. They spat at me...
- Ticket Guy: Just go.
- Homer: Thank you. This closes the saddest chapter in American history.
- Lisa: Thank you, Mr. President.
- Bill Clinton: No, thank you, Lisa. For teaching kids everywhere a valuable lesson: If things don't go your way, just keep complaining until your dreams come true.
- Marge: That's a pretty lousy lesson.
- Bill Clinton: Hey, I'm a pretty lousy president.
- Homer Simpson: Hey, where do you get those metal dealies for his feet?
- Jockey #1: ...You mean horse shoes?
- Homer Simpson: Hey what's with the attitude, I just want some dealies!