Seinfeld (TV Series)

The Switch (1995)

Jerry Seinfeld: Jerry Seinfeld

Photos 

Quotes 

• Jerry : So what happened with Kramer's mother?

  George Costanza : It's all worked out. Nina and I will have dinner Thursday at the restaurant where Babs works.

  Jerry : What's she like?

  George Costanza : Oh, she's a *Kramer*. And uh, while I was there I, uh, happened to pick up another juicy little nugget about our friend.

  Elaine : Ah, I'm ready what?

  Jerry : What is it?

  George Costanza : I, uh, got the first name.

  Elaine : You found out Kramer's first name?

  Jerry : I've been trying to get it out of him for ten years! What is it?

  George Costanza : Cosmo.

  Jerry , Elaine : Cosmo?

  George Costanza : Cosmo.

  Jerry , Elaine : [both laughing]  Cosmo?

  Cosmo Kramer : [entering Jerry's apartment]  What's so funny?... wha?

• Jerry Seinfeld : I can't. I'm not an orgy guy.

  George Costanza : Are you crazy? This is like discovering plutonium by accident!

• Jerry Seinfeld : Can't be done, huh?

  George Costanza : The switch?

  Jerry Seinfeld : The switch.

  George Costanza : Can't be done.

  Jerry Seinfeld : I wonder.

  George Costanza : Do you realize in the entire history of western civilization, no one has successfully accomplished the roommate switch. In the middle ages, you could get locked up for even suggesting it.

• Jerry Seinfeld : So I tell Sandy that I want to have a ménage à trois with her and her roommate.

  George Costanza : That's right.

  Jerry Seinfeld : And you believe this course of action will have a 2-pronged effect. Firstly, the very mention of the idea will cause Sandy to recoil in disgust, whereupon she will insist that I remove myself from the premises.

  George Costanza : Keep going.

  Jerry Seinfeld : At this point, it is inevitable that she will seek out the roommate to apprise her of this abhorrent turn of events.

  George Costanza : Continue.

  Jerry Seinfeld : The roommate will then offer her friend the requisite sympathy even as part of her cannot help but feel somewhat flattered by her inclusion in the unusual request.

  George Costanza : A few days go by and a call is placed at a time when Sandy is known to be busy at work. Once the initial awkwardness is relieved with a little playful humor, which of course she cannot resist, an invitation to a friendly dinner is proffered.

  Jerry Seinfeld : It all sounds pretty good. There's only one flaw in it. They're roommates. She'd have to go out with me behind Sandy's back. She's not gonna do that.

  George Costanza : You disappoint me, my friend. Sandy wants nothing to do with you. She tells Laura, if you want to waste your time with that pervert, that's your problem.

  Jerry Seinfeld : It's the perfect plan. It's so inspired, so devious, yet so simple.

  George Costanza : This is what I do.

• Jerry Seinfeld : [about the roommate]  She also possessed many of the other qualities prized by the superficial man.

• Jerry Seinfeld : The jokes kept bouncing off her like Superman.

• George Costanza : Hey, what happened with Sandy? I forgot all about it. Did you call her?

  Jerry Seinfeld : Yeah, I did. In fact I went over there.

  George Costanza : So, what happened? Did she throw you out, huh?

  Jerry Seinfeld : No, actually she took it pretty well.

  George Costanza : So, what happened?

  Jerry Seinfeld : She's into it.

  George Costanza : Into what?

  Jerry Seinfeld : The ménage. Not only that, she just called me. She told me she spoke with the roommate and the roommate's into the ménage too.

  George Costanza : That's unbelievable!

• [first lines] 

  Jerry Seinfeld : Tennis is the only sport where the uniform is what you would wear under your clothes in any other sport. You're actually out there in your underwear. Unless in the old days, you know, they would wear those long pants and the big heavy sweaters. How long did it take them to get over that? "We're out here in the hot sun, running around after a ball. What exactly are we all dressed up for?" Maybe that's why they started keeping score like that. "Point? You know what? Make it 15. I'm dying in this sweater here. Oh, another one got by me? Take another 10 points. Let's just get this over with."