- Jackie Harris: [talking about getting their Mom out of the restaurant] Alright. Okay, neither of us is going to do it, so we're stuck with her.
- Roseanne Conner: What we need is a glass of chardonnay on a great big ol' rat trap.
- Bev Harris: Do I smell my favorite yankee potroast? What's the occasion?
- Roseanne Conner: No occasion. Dan hit a Yankee on the way home.
- Jackie Harris: [Fred wants to see Jackie again after their first date, she doesn't want to] No, no, believe me, it's not you, it's me. I'm just going through a really, uh, selfish period right now.
- Fred: That's perfect. I'm going through a doormat period right now.
- Bev Harris: Here you go, Mr. Ficus, a drink of water so you can continue replenishing the air around us with fresh oxygen.
- Roseanne Conner: Mom, I told you before to stop talking to the plant, it tried to throw itself off that stand three times already.
- Nancy Bartlett: Hey Roseanne, I had the worst date with a woman last night. She was rude and selfish, and after all that she still wouldn't spend the night.
- Roseanne Conner: Oh let me guess, she spent the whole evening talking about golf.
- Nancy Bartlett: Well that's it, I'm back onto men this week. Are there any straight guys around here?
- Bev Harris: [Roseanne and Jackie have asked Bev to leave the diner] Oh, so this is a *team* effort. Doesn't *anyone* enjoy my company?
- [looks at Dan]
- Dan: [squirming nervously] You know... I can't remember what color the house is.
- [runs out the back door]
- Roseanne Conner: Come on, give me your best shot, give it to me right in the chops.
- Bev Harris: I'm sorry, Roseanne, but unlike *some* people, I don't hurt my loved ones.
- Roseanne Conner: Yes you do, Mom! You just stretch it out longer. When I take a Band-Aid off my kid's knee I just rip it all off at once, but you have been taking the same damn Band-Aid off my knee one hair at a time for 40 years!
- Roseanne Conner: [Bev's not talking to Roseanne] Oh I get it, silent partner, very good, but since we're not at the diner, that doesn't really apply here.
- Bev Harris: Oh! Well thank you, Roseanne, for allowing me to speak in my own home! If my sentences run on too long just let me know.
- Roseanne Conner: Well, that one was close.