Red Dwarf (TV Series)

Gunmen of the Apocalypse (1993)

Craig Charles: Lister

Photos 

Quotes 

• Bear Strangler McGee : [looming over Rimmer, who has just vomited into his hat]  A man' beans up in the hat of Bear Strangler McGee is either mighty brave, or mighty stupid. Now which are you, boy?

  Rimmer : Sorry, what were the choices again?

  Lister : [quickly jumps in and hands McGee some money]  You'll have to forgive our friend. He's a couple of gunmen short of a posse. Here.

  Bear Strangler McGee : That pays for the hat. Now what about the insult?

  Rimmer : OK, you're a fat, bearded git with breath that could paralyse a grizzly.

• Rimmer : [entering the saloon with Lister and the Cat]  I've seen Westerns. I know how to speak cowboy. Leave the talking to me.

  [he walks up to the bar] 

  Rimmer : Dry white wine and Perrier, please. And what about you two chaps?

  Lister : Rimmer, what westerns have you seen? Butch Accountant and the Yuppie Kid?

• Kryten : Sir, I just can't eat any more raw coffee.

  Lister : [pouring a jar of coffee grounds into his bowl]  Two more bowls.

  Kryten : But I, sir, I am sober, honest!

  Lister : OK, who are you and why are you here?

  Kryten : I'm some kind of robot, who's fighting this virus, and none of this exists. It's all in a fever. Except for you guys, who really do exist, only you're not really here, you're really in some spaceship in the future. Hell, if that's got to make sense, I don't wanna *be* sober!

• Rimmer : You took your time. Where've you been?

  Lister : I was in the AR machine.

  Rimmer : Again?

  Lister : What do you mean again?

  Rimmer : Everybody knows you only use the AR machine to have sex.

  Lister : That is not true!

  Rimmer : Yes, true! It's pathetic watching you grind away on your own, day after day after day. You're like a dog that's missing its master's leg! That groinal attachment's supposed to have a lifetime's guarantee. You've worn it out in nearly three weeks.

  Lister : That's an outrageous, scandalous piece of libel. I don't just play the roleplay games. What about the sporting simulations like Zero-G kickboxing, and Wimbledon?

  Rimmer : You only play Wimbledon because you're having it off with that jailbait ball girl.

  Lister : That is another total lie! She's not jailbait, she's 17.

  Rimmer : Lister, she's a computer sprite and surely that's the point, she's just a load of pixels.

  Lister : Yeah, but what pixels!

• Rimmer : It's time we decided who's going to take the one-man escape pod.

  Cat : How?

  Rimmer : Well, if you'll just bear with me, I think I've devised a fair and equitable system of choosing who should survive. It's based on age, rank, seniority, usefulness... to cut a long story short, it's me. I was as stunned as you are, which is why I demanded a recount. But blow me, if it didn't come out as me again! Keys?

  Lister : Rimmer, the escape pod is not an option.

  Rimmer : Why not?

  Lister : It escaped last Thursday. I was having a few beers, I couldn't be bothered moving so I used the release mechanism as a bottle opener.

  [mimes escape pod shooting off into space] 

  Lister : Whoosh!

• [they wake up in the cockpit] 

  Rimmer : How long have we been out?

  Lister : According to the navicom, three weeks!

  Kryten : That's strange, the drive interface has been upgraded. So have the engines.

  Rimmer : And if this readout's correct, we're armed. Laser cannons.

  Lister : They've totally upgraded the whole ship.

  Cat : They've even got rid of the squeak on the seat tilt control!

• Cat : I know this game, it's called cat and mouse. And there's only one way to win, don't be the mouse.

  Lister : What are you saying?

  Cat : I'm saying the mouse never wins. Not unless you believe those lying cartoons.

• Lister : Rimmer, the virus has spread to the AR unit! We've lost our special skills!

  Rimmer : Ah, Mr. War, sir. It would appear that due to circumstances completely beyond my control, there's been a bit of a cock-up in the bravado department.

  [War hits him hard on the head with a thick wooden rail] 

  Rimmer : I may indeed have come across as being more brave than in fact I am.

  [War hits him again] 

• Cat : [about Kryten]  Isn't there some way we can get in there and help him? Somehow turn ourselves into tiny electronic people and get into his dream? Isn't there some sort of gizmo lying around that some place can do that? And if not...

  [smacks table] 

  Cat : WHY not?

  Rimmer : Look, I think we've all got something to bring to this discussion, but I think from now on the thing you should bring is silence.

  Lister : No, no, no.

  [ponders for a moment] 

  Lister : I think he's got something.

  Cat : Twice in one lifetime? When you're hot, you're hot!

• Simulant Lieutenant : Incoming.

  [on the screen appears Lister's upside-down mouth and jaw with an eyeball stuck on his chin and his neck hidden by a black sheet, so he looks like some kind of weird creature] 

  Lister : I am Tarka Dal, an ambassador of the Great Vindalooian Empire.

  Simulant Captain : Our scanners reported human life on your vessel. Is this so?

  Lister : Humans?

  [spits] 

  Lister : The Vindalooian people despise all humans. They are the vermin of the universe. Is that not right, Bhindi Bhaji?

  [the camera moves across to the Cat next to him, who has also been disguised in the same fashion] 

  Cat : You bet, we hate them! Scum, scum, scum, scum, scum!

  [he spits. The camera moves back to Lister] 

  Lister : The Vindalooian Empire has pledged to exterminate them all.

  [he licks his eyeball in a reptilian way]